Educating Bullies or Protecting Targets in Schools: Which is Better?

In a previous article, “Best Methods to Stop Bullying in Schools,” I came out strongly against principals, teachers and school programs that focused only on stopping bullies by understanding, education, compassion, forgiveness and therapy of bullies, without any effective effort to stop the bullying.  They had no strong and firm consequences for harassment, taunting, teasing or physical abuse; or for any of the forms of bullying – overt, covert, verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying. Some commentators challenged my views – they insisted that changing the attitudes of bullies should be the major goal of educators and they quoted the parables of the Prodigal Son and the Golden Rule.

These well-meaning commentators, using the parable of the Prodigal Son, said that our hearts should go out to the poor bullies.  They imagined these abusive predators as having horrible childhoods that caused them to turn to bullying to gain control and power, and to boost their confidence and self-esteem.  Just like the Prodigal Son, bullies don’t know any better.

These commentators seemed to think that, just like the Prodigal Son, saving the bully is more important than the feelings of the targets. They think the bully was more of a victim of his upbringing than the people he was victimizing.  They seemed to think that we had an either-or-choice: to focus on understanding, love and forgiveness in an effort to educate bullies or to punish them, make them feel bad and drive them further into anti-social ways of acting.

Therefore, they claimed that all efforts should be directed at educating and rehabilitating bullies.

I disagree.  The choice between educating bullies or protecting targets is a false choice.  I think we must use both approaches and in a specific sequence:

1. Stop bullies in their tracks with swift, firm, strong consequences for bullying.
2. With compassion; educate, therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies.

Then, we’ll see which bullies rapidly change their behavior and which will remain narcissistic bullies.

I do not think the one – the bully or Prodigal Son – is more important than the many – the targets of bullying and abuse. I prefer Mr. Spock’s judgment, from the original Star Trek, “Never sacrifice the many for the sake on the one.”  I’d rather protect the many targets of bullying so they’re not converted into victims.  I worry first about the many precious psyches of the targets before I worry about the few damaged psyches of the bullies.  First, create a safe environment for the targets.  Then rehabilitate the bullies, if possible.

Begging, appeasement and the Golden Rule do not stop relentless bullies.

The better analogy is the abusive husband and the battered wife – or vice versa. Would those commentators, who have such tremendous sympathy for bullies, tell battered women to:

• Endure as many beatings as it takes while enough psychotherapy is done to change an abusive husband’s attitudes?
• Endure as much abuse as it takes until the battering husband is convinced to try other methods of interaction?
• Let their children be tormented for as long as it takes to teach the bully new skills of dealing with his frustration at not getting what he wants and for him to master new skills of communication and negotiation?

We protect the targets.  We remove the bully.  We don’t let the target be subjected to repeated victimization while we get swayed by our sympathy for the abuse we think the batterer must have had when he was a child.

I think that, in general, the first step in changing the behavior of bullies is to have strong consequences.  Then education, compassion and therapy have a chance.  But at least, during that time targets are protected and safe.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?

One of the questions I’m most often asked is, “Why Do Bullies Keep Abusing Us?” I hear that from:

• Kids who want to stop bullies and cvber bullies at school.
• Adults who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and friends.
• Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.
• Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.

That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way.  Why is that person so nasty to me?”

The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world.  As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return.  These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.

The hidden fears behind the question are:

1. “Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.”  Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk.  Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.”  Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”
2. “If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.”  Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable.  Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets.  Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”

Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks.  Distinguish between two questions:

1. Why do children try bullying tactics?
2. Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?

The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics.  That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not.  Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.

Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us.  It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want.  Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.

Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want.  We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.

There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.

1. Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know.  Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.
2. They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying.  Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong.  You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.
3. There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.

Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem.  To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.”  This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.”  These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.

Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first.  Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now. Educating bullies begins with stopping them.  Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.

So why do bullies keep abusing us: Because they’re not stopped by the responsible adults.  Also, the responsible adults don’t train the targets and bystanders how to stop the bullies.  In addition, principals, teachers and parents often punish the targets for taking matters into their own hands, tongues or fists.

The secret to stopping bullies is to stop them.  Be as firm as you need – bullies will show you what you must do to stop them.

Stop School Bullies: The Number One Risk Factor is Well-Meaning Parents

Current statistics show that bullying is prevalent – over 50% of kids report being bullied or observing bullying.  Bullying by girls is just as prevalent as by boys (although they often use different tactics) and bullying in “good” neighborhoods is just as prevalent as in “bad” ones. Most parents want to understand why bullies bully, “Is it because bullies have low esteem, or they lust for power or that’s the only way they know how to get control and admiration?”  Those parents usually tell their children never to use violence to stop bullies.  “Violence never solved anything.  Don’t stoop to the bullies’ level.”

Those parents hope that understanding bullies will help them create programs that will rehabilitate bullies.  Then their kids will be safe when they’re away from home or when they’re online.

Parents who say those things are the number one risk factor in making their children targets of repeated bullying.

Their strategy is based on the false idea that if children love and forgive bullies enough, they’ll melt bullies’ hearts and bullies will stop bullying and become their friends.  That strategy rarely stops bullies.

Real bullies won’t stop harassing or abusing our children because they’re nice to them.  Ask the peace-loving people of every country run over by colonization or empire building.  Ask women who have tried to stop harassment, bullying and abuse at work.

Bullying patterns or coping strategies are usually life-long.  Unless they’re stopped, bullying children usually grow up to become bullying adults.  They’re bullies in their love lives, they’re parents who bully their children, they’re bullying soccer-parents and they’re bullies at work.

Similarly, bullied kids grow up with low self-esteem and low confidence; they expect to be beaten down – mentally, emotionally and physically – to be taken advantage of, to lose.  They become repeat victims.

The number one risk factor in our children’s becoming targets of repeated bullying is not bullies or schools – the number one risk factor is us, the parents of the targets.  Bullies have always existed and will always exist, most schools never protected kids and many still won’t.

Take your focus away from psychotherapy of bullies.  Focus instead on stopping bullying right now.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time.  I want to protect target children right now.

In order to protect our children, we, as parents, must change our mindsets and then we must learn skills.  We must develop a real-world mindset – that the only way to stop real bullies is to stop them.

In the real world, bullies are predators, like hyenas, looking for the weak and isolated people who don’t know how to protect themselves.  Real bullies have a language all their own – they take our children’s kindness, reasonableness or holding back as weakness and a sign of easy prey. Our kids’ weakness brings out the worst in bullies.

A real-world perspective is that it’s more important to stop bullies first; that counseling, therapy and rehabilitation efforts come second.  In fact, stopping bullying behavior and having stiff consequences for kids who bully repeatedly is one of the best steps in changing their behavior.

We must teach our children to protect themselves from bullies who haven’t learned impulse control or to use non-violent means to navigate in the world.  A few real-world steps are:

1. Of course, try ignoring the bully or try peaceful and kindly understanding tactics, but don’t stop there.
2. Learn to fight back verbally.
3. Have friends who’ll stand with you and come back at the bully.
4. Learn to fight back physically – especially boys, but also girls.
5. Learn when and how to get school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators involved.

A few real-world tips for parents are:

1. Let our children know we’ll protect them.  If they’re being bullied, it’s not their fault – they just haven’t learned how to protect themselves.  Keep their courage, hope and fighting spirit alive.
2. Learn how to force your school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators to protect your kids.  Organize a small core group of parents to help the principal create and implement an effective stop-bullying program.  Be pro-active.  Don’t wait for a bullied kid to commit suicide, get that program going right now!

Appeasement Won't Stop Real-World Bullies

Some people believe fervently, passionately and whole-heartedly that if you love bullies, if you give them what they want, if you’re kind enough, then you’ll melt their hearts, they’ll come to their senses and they’ll stop bullying.  Sometimes, rarely, that does work. But the wisdom of both history and the world’s great literature tells you that you’ll usually get hurt if you put your head in a dragon’s mouth.  By definition, if bullies stop harassing or abusing you because you appease them or if their hearts melt because you love them enough, they’re not real bullies.

And I just read another fabulous example.

The “Shahnameh – The Persian Book of Kings,” by Abolqasem Ferdowsi, written between 980 and 1010 AD, is part of the universal and ancient wisdom tradition that contains a more accurate view of human nature, character and interactions than is found in the wishful thinking of most modern parenting, self-help and psychotherapy literature.

Here’s the story.  Good King Feraydun is old and divides his kingdom between his three sons.  He gives the oldest the eastern part, the middle son the western part and to the youngest, the best and most able, he gives the central part, including Persia.  Soon, the older two become jealous and angry.  They band together and raise a great army to defeat the youngest son and strip him of his kingdom.  Ah, we’ve heard that theme before.  Remember Charlemagne and also “King Lear,” to name just two.

The worthy and noble youngest son, Iraj, says that his brothers and peace are more important to him than his kingdom and the bloodshed that a war will cause.  He says that he will travel to them unarmed and will give them his kingdom.  “I’ll speak to them in kindness; this will be better than angry words and enmity.”

Feraydun replies, “My wise son, your brothers look for war, while you look for reconciliation.  I am reminded of the saying that one should not be surprised that the moon radiates moonlight: your answer is noble and your heart is filled with love.  But what will happen to a man who knowingly places his head in the dragon’s maw?  Surely poison will destroy him, since this is the dragon’s nature?”

You can imagine the rest of the story.  Iraj is welcomed with open arms and sweet words by his brothers.  He is wined and dined.  Later that night, his brothers “washed all shame from their eyes,” sneaked into his tent, split him from head to foot with daggers and cut off his head.

There it is again: The wisdom of the ages.  Beware of real-world danger.  Take adequate precautions.  Appeasement won’t stop real-world bullies.

People who cling to the Secret, to formulas for affirmations and to laws of the universe that tell them that the love and kindness they put out will always be returned with love and kindness are indulging in childish, magical thinking.  Not everyone you befriend will return the compliment.  In fact, some people will take your open hand as an invitation to feast on whatever you have.  Real dragons will act like dragons naturally do.

There are many other examples in the world’s literature – think of all the saints (of every faith) who were martyred, sometimes by dissidents even within their faith.  If you insist on peaceful means as the only means you will try, if you insist on putting your head in the dragon’s maw, then be prepared to be poisoned 99 times out of a hundred.

On the other hard, if you want to keep your children safe when they’re away from home, if you want to keep them safe from cyber bullying, then get coaching, consulting and real-world books so you can prepare them to face real-world bullies with skill and effective strategy.  You may want formulas and rules, but you’ll learn more from case studies and examples that you can adjust to your specific situation.  Their self-esteem and self-confidence depend on your helping them be successful.

Miley Cyrus Bullied and Abused

In her forthcoming memoir, “Miley Cyrus: Miles to Go,” Miley reveals that her younger days were spent “being teased, tortured and humiliated by school bullies.”  The “Hannah Montana” star says she was “friendless, lonely and miserable,” and believes she would have been physically harmed if the abuse hadn't stopped.”  Miley writes, “The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls. I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm.” Most of the comments on many sites focus on the wrong areas.

People respond as if the important thing is whether they like Miley or hate her, whether they feel sorry for her or they want to see her hurt because she’s so rich and famous, whether they think she’s a selfish, twit who deserves what she got.

The important areas to focus on are: It happened to Miley, it happens to most kids, it happens to our kids.  What can our children and teenagers do and what can we do?

Other people can take forever trying to educate and convert bullies and their parents, but not me.  Stopping bullying doesn’t begin with understanding bullies or with their psychotherapy and rehabilitation.  Educating bullies and their parents begins when they find out that the old tactics don’t work.  Beginning by trying to educate them means that the rest of the kids remain victims until bullies decide to stop bullying (if ever).  Instead, protect kids now; stop bullies first and then educate them.

Therefore, the lessons we can learn from Miley Cyrus are that in order to stop bullies and bullying we need:

1. Principals and other administrators who want to stop bullying.
2. Federal laws that require each school to create programs defining and prohibiting specific bullying behaviors and that hold principals liable if they fail to stop bullying.
3. School anti-bullying policies with specific behaviors spelled out.  That way, principals and teachers will be supported in preventing bullying and, when bullying is discovered, in tackling bullies and their parents.  Also, the principals who don’t want to act will be forced to, because they’ll be more afraid of the publicity and penalties they’ll get if they don’t stop bullying than they are now of the parents of the bullies.
4. Children, teenagers and parents who respond immediately; who don’t let bullying pass by; who call it like it is; who use the word “bully.”  They’re alerting the rest of us and rallying us to be their allies and to help them resist.

In addition to professional experience, I learned practical, pragmatic methods growing up in New York City and then watching our six children and their friends and enemies.  And we live in Denver, home of Columbine High School.

Read “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Get coaching to design tactics that fit your specific situation.  Take charge of your personal space and schools.

Top 10 ways bullies disrupt meetings

For years I’ve watched bullies disrupt professional meetings and create hostile workplaces.  It’s bad enough when team members dominate meetings, but it’s always worse if it’s the boss who’s a control freak. Here are the top 10 tactics I’ve seen them use.  What situations and actions irritate and frustrate you most?

These methods are even worse when they’re repeatedly used.  But of course, that’s a sign of bullying behavior; bullies don’t change.  My top 10 are:

1. Unprepared and latecomers – especially when they make a loud entrance.
2. Interrupters – they may be show-offs or clowns; they may interrupt vocally or by eating and drinking loudly or they may use their cell phones, Blackberrys or computers.  They have the attention span of two year-olds.
3. Boring ramblers with their lengthy personal conversations or digressions.
4. Dominators and know-it-all authorities – their loudness, certainty and fast talk tend to shut other people down.
5. Naysayers – they are relentlessly negative and can put down and block every proposal; “There are problems, we tried that, nothing ever works except my ideas.”
6. Angry people who indulge in personal attacks and put-downs, belittling and bringing up old errors.  They’re often defensive but, after a while, who cares about their psychotherapy?
7. Nit-pickers, distracters and side trackers who are full of irrelevant facts.  They prevent progress by correcting or arguing over irrelevant details.  They may want to re-think every previous decision; they never take action.
8. Side conversation experts – their ideas, whims or self-important witticisms seem to them more important than the agenda.
9. Editorial comments – they may be verbal or non-verbal, including snorting, rolling eyes, drumming fingers, turning their chairs around, laughing sarcastically and barely audible disparaging or ridiculing remarks.
10. Passive-aggressive backstabbers – they keep quiet or even agree during meetings, but then disagree, complain or put down people after meetings.

We usually know how to resolve these problem behaviors, but most people don’t have the courage or the organization’s culture won’t allow you to act.

Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that make meetings worthwhile and promote productivity.

The techniques are covered in the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” and also in the book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”