Amy was raised to be a nice girl. She had learned not to act if she felt angry or if she sensed any resentful or vindictive feelings within her. When she held back because her motives weren’t pure enough, she became easy prey for her bullying brother. When they were middle-aged, her brother moved back to their small town after having been gone for 20 years. He began spreading vicious lies and rumors about Amy. He blackened her reputation around town and even manipulated their mother into believing that Amy had always been jealous of him and that’s why she would claim he was nasty to her.

It was all lies. Actually, Amy had done a lot to help him and had ignored his attacks; she’d never been nasty. He was a sneaky, narcissistic, abusive, covert bully.

But the more his poisonous words went unchallenged, the more people believed them.

Amy obsessed on what he was saying and what was happening. She couldn’t sleep, she wallowed in negative self-talk, shame and guilt, and became grumpy and angry at her family and at work. She got anxious and depressed. She even contemplated suicide as a solution to her dilemma.

Amy had helped her brother so much and she couldn’t understand why he’d do these things. She tried reasoning with him and in return he attacked her verbally, venting a lifetime’s hatred and jealousy on her. He blamed her for all the problems in his life; all his troubles had been her fault. He told her that she had only succeeded and had a wonderful family because she’d fooled them all and he was going to bring her down. He wouldn’t listen to reason or any compromise she offered.

He accused her of being evil. Her anger and desire to retaliate proved how bad she was. Since she did feel angry, resentful and vindictive, maybe he was right and she was deluding herself by thinking she was a good person.

Finally, Amy was forced to reevaluate some beliefs she’d accepted when she was a child:

Truth will out; good people will be justified.
Turn the other cheek; follow the Golden Rule.
Never act if your motives are impure; if you feel the slightest amount of anger, resentment or vindictiveness.

When she could see that the wonderful life she’d created and her teenage children’s happiness were threatened, she broke free from her old rules and roles. She evaluated those old rules-roles as an adult with much more experience than she had when she was a child.

She could see where and when the old rules might apply, and where and when she needed new rules because she was now a responsible adult. She realized that her most important jobs were to protect her children, her marriage and her reputation. She felt like her old skin had been ripped open and a new sense of clarity, urgency and power filled her new skin.

She told her teenage children what she’d realized. She’d told them secrets about her brother that she’d hidden because she didn’t want them to know how rotten he’d always been. But she had to protect her family from someone who’d destroy it, even though he was her brother.

She told their mother the truth, even though that hurt mom. Her mother had always tried to ignore how bad her son had been. Now she had a choice, face the truth and side with her daughter, who’d always been good to her, or continue siding with a son who was weak and manipulative.

Amy told the truth to her friends and many of the important people in town. The hardest part for her was to overcome her reluctance and produce evidence for many of the rotten things her brother had done while he’d been gone. There were newspaper clippings to back up what she said.

Also, she reminded people to judge by character and history. How had she behaved to them over the years: had she lied, deceived or harmed them? Or had she always been kindly, considerate and truthful?

Her brother had to leave town. Amy felt sorry for him, but she knew that her responsibilities were more important that her sympathy for her brother, who was now reaping the painful harvest of the seeds he’d sown.

Most important, she had a much better sense of what she had to do to fulfill her responsibilities and that she wouldn’t allow her feelings to put her in harm’s way. Also, she saw that she had not let herself be overwhelmed by anger or resentment. She hadn’t blown up and lost her character or the respect of the people in town. Instead, she had stayed calm and thoughtful, and developed a plan that succeeded.

Now, she’s much stronger, courageous and determined.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps. We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

People often wonder if they’re being bullied, controlled or abused by their spouses. They want experts to help them recognize the signs and give them an educated, experienced opinion so they’ll have a new weapon in the next round of the endless battle. That’s a useful tactic but the major benefits are not what most people think. In addition to overt threats and violence, some criteria that we’re facing bullying, controlling or abusive husbands or wives are:

After marriage or kids, they changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
They make the rules; they control everything. We feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
Their standards rule – our “no” isn’t accepted as “no.” Their sense of humor is the right one.
They isolate us.
They control us with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips. They use the opinions other people who agree with them – their friends, their parents – to justify what they do.
They don’t take our kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop. They take our self-control as an invitation to bully us more.
They’re willing to argue forever and never admit that they have to change. Whenever we make a good point, they attack on a different subject.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

They think they know best about everything.
Their excitement is contagious and sweeps us along.
They think they don’t have anything to learn.
They’re more important than we are.
They think their rules should rule.
Everyone is a pawn in their game.
They think their excuses should excuse them.

Both lists are phrased as “They,” but really – we give in; we let them win. We’re the ones who think good reasons or arguments, more understanding, begging, bribery, appeasement, forgiveness, unconditional love or the Golden Rule will work if we try hard enough. We’re the ones who think we’re wrong if we give up on someone.

The major, but usually overlooked, benefit in recognizing and labeling the patterns of behavior as “bullying” and the person as a “bully” is that it’s a powerful label.

Indeed, many men women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”
But when we label what’s happening as “bullying,” the unknown terror no longer seems so overwhelming; it’s reduced in size as the light of a strong label shines on their behavior. Our shame, guilt, doubt and hesitation decrease. Our self-bullying, negative self-talk decreases.
Our spirit rises up; we feel energized and empowered to fight back. Our will, determination and dedication are strengthened. Our courage, perseverance, endurance and resolution are engaged. We won’t quit any more and temporary defeats don’t defeat us for long.
We take charge of our attitudes and feelings, and increase our self-confidence and self esteem. In so doing, we take charge of our actions and our future. We gain clarity about our goals and seek personalized coaching to develop a plan and carry it out.
Once we know what we’re up against, we look for information, skills and help. We feel more powerful when we re-enter the fight.

In the next article, we’ll talk about an even better tactic than taking the strength we gain from using the words “bullies” and “bullying” into battle as our shield and sword.

Should You Stop Bullies if You Feel Vindictive, Resentful?

Take Power: Recognize and Label Bullying Spouses