Stop Bullies Below The Radar

The second edition of “Bullies Below the Radar: Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” documents the personal journey to courage, strength, determination and skill of Grace, a wife and mother, who finally accepted that she was being controlled and bullied by a stealthy, sneaky manipulative husband. Grace finally accepted that for years:

• She’d lived in a frustrating, hostile marriage, full of drudgery and pain.
• Even though she hadn’t been physically abused or beaten, she’d been worn down and controlled by serving her husband and by arguing that hadn’t improved the relationship.
• She’d suffered watching herself and her children get harassed, manipulated, controlled and bullied.
• Her love, understanding, sweetness and kindness had not changed him.
• His numerous apologies simply kept her coming back, but he won’t change.

Grace discovered that she couldn’t make things better by being a peacemaker.  Tactics like begging, bribery, understanding, endless praise, appeasement, politeness, ‘second chances,’ forgiveness, sympathy and unconditional love, and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  We won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are most important to us.

She stopped wallowing in negative self-talk, perfectionism, blame, shame and guilt, which had led her to get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.  She’d lost her confidence and self-esteem.

On her journey to taking power, effectively setting boundaries and voting her narcissistic husband off her “Isle of Song,” she learned:

• To recognize the seven warning signs of bullies below the radar, including sneaky patterns of bullying behavior, and the mental, emotional and spiritual costs accepting bullying.
• To go beyond magical thinking to overcome the six most common objections to standing up to bullies.
• To stop using the nine common strategies that fail to stop bullies.
• What to do if at first she didn’t succeed.
• The seven success strategies that will be effective in any bullying situation.
• A seven-step process to plan tactics that will be effective in any particular situation.
• How to protect her personal ecology and create a bully-free future.

Applying these real-world techniques, she got strong, courageous, determined, persevering and flexible in order to stop bullies of all types – controllers, critics, exploders, pushy perfectionists, prying questioners, emotional intimidators, smiling manipulators, relentless arguers and more

Grace learned that, “History is not destiny.”  Using the step-by-step instructions presented here, Grace changed her mind-set and built her courage, character and skill.

My advice: Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to grow up or change.  Don’t accept bullies’ reasons, justifications and excuses.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”

For some examples of different tactics, also see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

To Stop Workplace Bullying, Don't Turn the Other Cheek

Many of us have been taught to ignore putdowns.  It’s considered morally superior to rise above them. That’s a big mistake.  Respond quickly when someone attacks you.

For example, Sybil continually put down her peer, Henry, in private and public.  Each demeaning comment might have been mere insensitivity.  But taken together they represented a hostile pattern.

To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see: When insulted by a co-worker, don’t turn the other cheek http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/stories/2008/08/11/smallb3.html

Sybil harassed and abused Henry in meetings, in front of the bosses and in the hallways.  Henry tried to defend himself against her negativity with facts, logic and excuses. But he never mentioned the obvious hostility in her attacks.  His arguments didn’t stop her. He felt defeated and gave into despair.

Their coworkers called Sybil “The Queen of Mean” and tiptoed around her because they were afraid of her retaliation.  With her vicious tongue, she controlled the office.

Henry obsessed on her demeaning comments.  He continually complained to co-workers, family and friends.  Then, he’d be angry at himself for getting enraged.  He wished he could let Sybil’s cracks roll off his back.  He didn’t know how to make her stop bullying.

I convinced Henry he was taking the wrong approach.  He shouldn’t ignore Sybil’s assaults.  By allowing her to continue whacking him verbally, his confidence, self-esteem and credibility were undermined.  His staff saw him as likeable but weak.

Henry had some common, self-imposed rules that keep him from acting:

• “It’s just the way she is.  I should forgive her.  Since I can’t change her, I can’t do anything.”
• “The nicest, most reasonable people should tolerate bad behavior, rather than ask the most difficult, hostile person to change.”
• “If I’m nice and reasonable, people will respect me and change.”
• “If I’m angry, if I can’t think of the perfect, polite way of acting, I shouldn’t do anything.”

Henry believed in the Golden Rule.  His psychological explanations for Sybil’s narcissistic behavior also kept him from acting.  He decided she was simply jealous of him and thought he should forgive her.

I disagree: Just because someone was a victim when they were young or feels hurt now, doesn’t give them a free pass to hurt other people.

The first changes Henry made were internal:

• When he stopped taking the attacks personally, he stopped obsessing and began planning effective responses.
• He acknowledged that he should have responded rapidly to Sybil’s initial attacks. The more he allowed them to pass by unchallenged, the more bold she became.
• He committed to protecting himself.  He’d had enough and it was time to say, “No!” And he promised himself that if his first tactics didn’t succeed, he wouldn’t go back on his commitment. He’d simply try different tactics.

So what did Henry do?  He tried an escalating set of responses, increasing in firmness at each new step.  When he got far enough up the staircase of firmness, Sybil finally showed him what was enough.  She stopped.  The rest of their team now saw Henry as strong and smart.  Their respect for him increased

Don’t be a Henry and ignore insults outwardly, while they tear you up inside.  Don’t be a conflict avoidant manager. Immediately, counter any attacks from the Sybils in your life.  Use Henry’s method of escalating firmness to stop bullies.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop School Bullying: Don't be a Victim

Most of us have been targets of harassment and bullying, but that doesn’t mean we must be the victims of bullies.  If fact, when we’re not victims, we can more effectively stop bullying and abuse. For example, imagine a child who’s subjected to teasing, taunting, harassment and bullying at school.

It could be a boy targeted by one bully or a group or gang.  The bullying could be physical or verbal – name-calling, ridiculing or demeaning.

Or consider a girl who’s targeted by the mean girls at school.  She’s abused, harassed, cut-out and cut-down because she’s not as pretty or rich, doesn’t have the newest fashions or is liked by a boy who is wanted by one of the mean girls.  All the girls pile on to attack the target, verbally, physically and by cyberbullying.

To make it worse, teachers and principals often do nothing to protect targets.  Sometimes, they don’t know what to do or they’re afraid to confront bullies and their bullying parents or they blame the target.  Sometimes, they even enable, encourage or collude with the bullying.  Sometimes the mean girls are encouraged by their parents, who are happy their daughters are in the in-crowd and couldn’t care less about the target.

Often, principals and teachers focus on changing the targets.  These irresponsible authorities seem to think that if only the targets would change and please their attackers, the nasty kids would stop targeting them.  Or they think bullying is natural selection, survival of the fittest, so anyone who can’t blend in should suffer the consequences of being different.  Or they think it’s merely kids being kids and the persecutors will eventually outgrow their youthful indiscretions.

I hope I’ve made you mad about the injustice of these situations.  These are not far-fetched situations.  I get many coaching calls from frustrated parents who have tried, without success for more than six months, to stop the bullies and make the teachers, principals and district administrators protect their children.

Victims think they’re to blame. Victims minimize, ignore, forgive, appease, beg, bribe, are nice, accept excuses and justifications, sympathize with and try to understand and use reason with relentless, real-world bullies.  Victims use the Golden Rule to stop these ignorant, insensitive predators.  Victims suffer in silence.  Eventually, victims accept the abuse and bullying.  Victims give in to fear, despair and defeat; they give up; they feel helpless and hopeless. They’re overwhelmed by anxiety, stress, negative self-talk and self-doubt.  They lose confidence and self-esteem.  Often, they suffer from depression and an increased risk of suicide.  Do-nothing principals are always involved in school bullying-caused suicides of victims.

Targets keep a fire burning inside them.  They don’t take it personally; they know they’re okay and the fault lies with the bullies, their narcissistic parents and the failures who are running their schools.  They fight and learn how to fight better.  They maintain their courage, strength, determination, endurance, perseverance and resilience; they're not defeated by defeat.  Targets seek allies who are willing to act together – not merely whine, complain and feel sorry together.

Targets may be angry at the injustice, but they’re not overwhelmed and beaten down.  Since we can’t win every battle, even if justice is on our side, targets may simply move on and create a wonderful life somewhere else.  And hope that someday, they can get their oppressors.

We can see the same distinction between targets and victims in wives or husbands who are criticized, corrected, scolded, chastised, controlled, isolated, subjected to hostility, jealousy and negativity, manipulated and blamed, shamed and guilt-tripped, and beaten by their controlling spouses.  The task of these adult targets is the same as that of the kids.  Don’t be a victim.  Don’t take it personally; learn how to resist, say, “That’s enough,” say “No.”  Get help, take your own power, fight back, get away, start poor if you have to but start again.

The same distinction applies to harassment, hostility, bullying, manipulation, toxic coworkers, abuse and even violence in the workplace.

You may be a target, but don’t be a victim.  Learn to be skillful in fighting back.  And fight to win.  That’s our best chance of stopping bullies.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullies: Make Some People Uncomfortable, Upset, Angry

Many children are raised with a set of rules such as: “Don’t make anyone uncomfortable.  Don’t hurt people’s feelings.  Don’t upset anyone.  Don’t be disagreeable.  Don’t argue.  Be polite.  Be nice.  Follow the Golden Rule.  Make everyone like you.”  But those are not effective rules for adults in the real-world. Of course, we know why we teach children those values.  Who wants to raise hostile, nasty, argumentative, vicious, abusive bullies?

I’m not encouraging bullies to be nastier.  I’m talking with nice, decent adults who are being harassed, tormented, controlled, abused and bullied, and yet who hesitate to speak up or to protect and defend themselves effectively because they don’t want to break those childhood rules.

Mary is a typical example.  She held her tongue in public when her toxic mother abused her.  She held her tongue when relatives criticized, mocked and demeaned her.  She held her tongue when friends told her what she should do to be the good friend they wanted.

She held her tongue but she built up huge resentment that eventually exploded.

With friends and a few relatives, either she’d get in a fight so she could be righteously angry, blame them and never talk to them again or she’d nurse a cold fury until she felt justified in simply cutting them off completely without explanation.

With her parents, she’d explode and tell them off.  Then she’d feel guilty for being so mean and she’d come back groveling and apologizing.  Nevertheless, she still felt she was the one who’d been wronged and she resented the price her toxic parents made her pay for forgiving her outburst.

With strangers, she sat quietly and never shared what she thought or what she was interested in.  She didn’t want to make them uncomfortable and she was afraid of hurting their feelings or raising a subject that would be contentious.  Most people thought she wasn’t very bright.

Mary was also a master of self-bullying. She’d flagellate herself with self-doubt and self-questioning.  She’d obsess on every slight taken or given and always end up blaming herself.  And she’d judge herself as guilty, no matter what they’d done to her.  She was never perfect.  Her anxiety, stress and negative self-talk led to sleeplessness, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and to depression.

Mary had two underlying and interlocking problems:

1. The set of rules that made “not upsetting people” her most important value, no matter what.
2. Having only all-or-none responses of holding back totally or exploding.  In a sense, she could remain at zero mph or she could go 100 mph, but she didn’t know how to go 30-60 mph.

The solution to the first problem required that Mary examine, as an adult, the rules she’d accepted all-or-none when she was a child.  Children do think in black-or-white but adults have more experience and wisdom.  Mary could see the kernel of value in her old rules, even though her parents had used them to control her all her life.

But as an adult, she could see where those rules were insufficient and what changes were necessary:

• She felt the pain of all the times she’d made those rules the most important ones instead of protecting herself.  She could now see situations in which speaking up or pushing back verbally in order to defend herself were more important values.
• She could see the difference between people sharing their tastes and opinions, versus having an angry exchange with someone trying to convert her to their “absolutely right” way of seeing things.
• She could also see which subjects she simply didn’t want to discuss with which people.
• One of the most compelling moments was when she saw which people she did want to disagree with, whether or not they were uncomfortable or had hurt feelings, because to be “nice” to them would have violated her most important values.  In fact, she reached a point where making a few people, like her toxic mother, uncomfortable or angry was a sign that Mary was on the right track.

She changed her old, out-dated and ineffective beliefs to new, effective ones, encapsulated in the phrase, “Not hurting people’s feelings is a much lower priority than protecting myself or being myself.  I’ll speak what I think and say what I want in the nicest, firmest way and if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.  That way I’ll test whether I want to allow them to be on my Isle of Song.”

That simple change gave her a rush of peace, freedom and energy.  She felt powerful enough to create the life she wanted, which was more important that not making anyone uncomfortable.  She now had the will and determination to learn how to be skillful in protecting herself.

How she learned to respond clearly, simply, kindly and firmly from 30-60 mph will be the subject of another article.

Expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Take Power: Recognize and Label Bullying Spouses

People often wonder if they’re being bullied, controlled or abused by their spouses.  They want experts to help them recognize the signs and give them an educated, experienced opinion so they’ll have a new weapon in the next round of the endless battle.  That’s a useful tactic but the major benefits are not what most people think. In addition to overt threats and violence, some criteria that we’re facing bullying, controlling or abusive husbands or wives are:

1. After marriage or kids, they changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
2. They make the rules; they control everything.  We feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
3. Their standards rule – our “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”  Their sense of humor is the right one.
4. They isolate us.
5. They control us with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips.  They use the opinions other people who agree with them – their friends, their parents – to justify what they do.
6. They don’t take our kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop.  They take our self-control as an invitation to bully us more.
7. They’re willing to argue forever and never admit that they have to change.  Whenever we make a good point, they attack on a different subject.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

1. They think they know best about everything.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps us along.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.
4. They’re more important than we are.
5. They think their rules should rule.
6. Everyone is a pawn in their game.
7. They think their excuses should excuse them.

Both lists are phrased as “They,” but really – we give in; we let them win.  We’re the ones who think good reasons or arguments, more understanding, begging, bribery, appeasement, forgiveness, unconditional love or the Golden Rule will work if we try hard enough.  We’re the ones who think we’re wrong if we give up on someone.

The major, but usually overlooked, benefit in recognizing and labeling the patterns of behavior as “bullying” and the person as a “bully” is that it’s a powerful label.

1. Indeed, many men women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”
2. But when we label what’s happening as “bullying,” the unknown terror no longer seems so overwhelming; it’s reduced in size as the light of a strong label shines on their behavior.  Our shame, guilt, doubt and hesitation decrease.  Our self-bullying, negative self-talk decreases.
3. Our spirit rises up; we feel energized and empowered to fight back.  Our will, determination and dedication are strengthened.  Our courage, perseverance, endurance and resolution are engaged.  We won’t quit any more and temporary defeats don’t defeat us for long.
4. We take charge of our attitudes and feelings, and increase our self-confidence and self esteem.  In so doing, we take charge of our actions and our future.  We gain clarity about our goals and seek personalized coaching to develop a plan and carry it out.
5. Once we know what we’re up against, we look for information, skills and help.  We feel more powerful when we re-enter the fight.

In the next article, we’ll talk about an even better tactic than taking the strength we gain from using the words “bullies” and “bullying” into battle as our shield and sword.

Stop Bullies: Girls Bullying Girls

Just as many girls as boys are bullies but girls more often target other girls. Girls do bully other girls physically.  One publicized example is the Florida girls who beat up a classmate and then posted the video on YouTube.

However, most girl-girl bullying is verbal and emotional.  Seven of the nine bullies were girls in the publicized case that led to the recent suicide of Phoebe Prince.  Their attacks on Phoebe were choreographed, strategically planned and relentlessly executed.  The abuse was verbal, physical and through cyber space.

“Mean girls” are masters of catty remarks, put-downs, scorn, mockery, criticism, sarcasm, cyber bullying and forming cliques led by a Queen Bee.  Mean girls are also masters of covert, “stealth bullying;” backstabbing, rumor-mongering, telling secrets, cutting out and spreading gossip and innuendo while pretending to be friends.

Girl bullies often are control-freaks and emotional blackmailers.  Common bullying statements are, “If you don’t do what I want, you’re not my best friend, “ or “My best friend wouldn’t talk to that other girl,” or “You hurt my feelings, you’re a false friend.”  They often set up boys to attack their targets.

Boys tend to use overt physical tactics more than girls.

Girls: it’s easy to tell if you’re being overtly bullied; it’s harder to tell if the bullying is stealthy.  You’re probably being bullied if you’re feeling controlled, forced to do things you don’t want to do, scared of what another girl might do to you, afraid of getting ostracized or ganged up on, or not wanting to go to school at all.  Trust your gut and talk to your parents no matter how reluctant you are.

Parents: the major signs that your daughter is being bullied are unexplained, 180 degree changes in behavior.  For example, no longer talking about school or friends, not wanting to be with classmates, spending all her time in her room, avoiding checking text messages, social web sites or answering the phone, no longer doing homework, not eating lunch at school, stopping after-school activities, wanting to change or quit school, loss of weight, chewing fingernails, not caring about appearance, can’t sleep, nightmares, loss of confidence and self-esteem, emotionally labile (crying suddenly alternating with explosive anger and temper tantrums alternating with despondency and depression – “I’m helpless, it’s hopeless”).  Be careful; teenagers typically go through periods of these behaviors.  Parents must check out the causes.  Be persistent.  Don’t be stopped by initial resistance. If your daughter is being bullied, parents must proceed down two paths simultaneously:

• Teach your daughter how to protect herself.
• Make teachers, principals and school district administrators protect targets.

Bullying at school is rarely an isolated event.  Usually there is a pervasive pattern of overlooking, minimizing, denying, tolerating or even encouraging bullying.  Strategies for how parents can proceed depend on the situations they’re dealing with; especially the people.  The bottom line is that most, but not all, principals want to avoid the subject, do nothing, cover-up with platitudes, avoid law suits and won’t confront bullying parents who protect their darling little bullies.

Beware of principals who think that their primary task is to understand, rehabilitate or therapeutize bullies.  You will have to get other parents involved and be very tactical in order to get principals to act firmly and effectively. There is one absolute “Don’t.”  Every female client and every woman who has interviewed me said that they were verbally bullied when they were young.  Unfortunately, their mothers told them, “Rise above the bully.  That bully is hurting so much inside that they’re taking their pain and inferiority out on you.  Understand and forgive them.  You’re better than they are.  If you act nice enough, people will return your kindness with kindness.”

Every one of these bullied women bears deep wounds including stress, anxiety, negative self-talk, lack of confidence and self-esteem problems.  They also bear an underlying hatred of their mothers for those messages.  Those messages are absolutely wrong.  Mothers must teach their daughters how to protect themselves, not how to act like willing victims.

Remember, the Golden Rule doesn’t stop real-world bullies.  Prepare your daughters for the real-world they’ll face in school, at work, in intimate relationships and with friends.

Stop Boyfriend Bullies before Valentine's Day

Imagine that you have a new boyfriend who seems wonderful and you’re looking forward to a romantic Valentine’s Day.  But in your past relationships you were harassed, bullied, controlled and abused.  You finally realize you have a tendency to pick the wrong guys.  What should you look for with this new one and what should you do if you see any warning signs? Step back and take a look at how he treats people now.  Don’t listen to any of his reasons, explanations or excuses.  Look only at his actions.  Everyone can blow up once a year under extreme pressure, so count how often he behaves that way.  Look for patterns.

Test him now … before it’s too late.

Does he harass, bully, abuse or control you?

1. Does he push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what he wants?
2. Does he make the rules and control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on?  Does he think that his sense of timing and rules of proper conduct are the right ones?
3. Do his standards rule?  Is your “no” not accepted as “no?”  Is he always right and you’re always wrong?  Is sex always when and what he wants and for his pleasure?  Is his sense of humor always right?  Does he say that he’s not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive?  Do your issues get dealt with or are his more important so he can ignore your concerns or wishes?
4. Does he control you with negativity, disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt?  For example, no matter what you do, are you wrong or not good enough?  Does he cut you down in subtle ways and claim that he’s just kidding?  Or does he control you with his hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide?
5. Are you afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage?  For example, do you walk on eggshells?  Does he intimidate you with words and weapons?  Does he threaten you, your children, your pets or your favorite things?
6. Are you told that you’re to blame if he’s angry?  Do you feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained?  In this relationship, has your self-doubt increased, while your self-confidence and self-esteem decreased?
7. Does he isolate you?  Are you allowed to see your friends or your family, go to school or even work?  Does he force you to work because he needs your money?  Are you told that you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them him?
8. Does he need your money to make his business schemes work?  Does he have a pattern of not keeping jobs, even though he blames his lack of success on other people or bad luck?  Is he looking for someone to support him like he thinks he deserves?

If you answered yes to most (or even any of these questions), pull out a piece of paper and write, in big capital letters, “Bully” and “Control-Freak” and “Abuser.”  Now you know what you’re dealing with.  Post these signs on your mirror, car, computer and work space.  Put them in your purse.

When you protest, does he promise to stop?

1. Whatever his reasons, if he isn’t convincing when he says he’s sorry, run away real fast.
2. After he promises to stop, does treat you nice for a while before the next incident?

Remember, apologies, excuses, reasons and justifications count only one time.  After that, only actions count.

While bullies are courting you, until he gets you, he’ll treat you the best he’ll ever treat you.  For bullies, it’s all downhill after he thinks he’s got you. How does he treat other people like: 

1. Servers – waiters and waitresses, clerks at the movies and retail stores, people who work for airlines.  Does he harass, bully and abuse them?  Does he try to get something for free?
2. Supervisees, coworkers and vendors.  Does he think they’re stupid, incompetent and lazy?   Does he jerk them around?  Does he retaliate viciously if he feels offended?
3. Acquaintances and friends?  Does he keep them only if he’s the boss or center of attention?  Does he have friends who have lasted?   Are the relationships brutal or are they like those you’d like between equals?
4. His former girlfriends or ex-wives.  What would they say about those relationships?  Does he claim all those women were bad or rotten?  Did he retaliate in the end?
5. His parents and siblings?  Does he abuse them because they deserve it, or has he simply walked away because they’re impossible to have a good relationship with?

Don’t think you’re unique, different and safe; don’t think that he’ll never treat you that way.  That’s magical thinking.  A person who has mastered harassment, bullying, controlling and abusing these people, especially the helpless servers, supervisees and vendors will eventually get around to you.

What does he wish he could do to those other people?

1. Does he wish he could have had the strength, courage and opportunity to retaliate without bad consequences to himself?
2. Is he itching to take his anger or rage out on someone else (like, maybe you)?

He probably will do those things to you once he thinks you’re under his thumb – after you’re married, have children, or become dependent on his approval, permission or money.

Ignore your overwhelming feelings of true love.  Don’t waste your life trying to fix him.  Get rid of him now before it’s too late; before you live together, or he slowly gets you to give him control.  He’s only a boyfriend.  Find a better one to have all those feelings of true love with.

See the case studies of Brandi and Lucy in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

You’ll need an expert coach to develop specific tactics to get away while keeping your money, car, home, family, friends and job.

Spend this Valentine’s Day alone and work with your therapist or coach to prepare for a loving Valentine’s Day next year.

Of course, women harass, bully, control and abuse men just as much in their own ways, but that will be the subject of a different article.

Getting over parents who wound their children: the 2nd stage of growing up and leaving home

Obviously there are great parents.  And there are children who repeatedly wound their parents.  But let’s focus on parents who repeatedly wounded their children … and still continue to bully and control them even after the children have become adults. Whether that’s done consciously and intentionally, or the parents are righteous and oblivious to the effects they’re having, or they think that they’re preparing their children to be humble and moral or to face a hostile world, the pain is real and the effects can last for decades.

Before we review a typical case study and offer the keys to moving on and creating the life you want, let me ask, have you been wounded by your parents?

In general, boys are wounded just as much as girls, but let’s look at Irene.  She’s now a skilled and competent nurse, but getting there was a long struggle.  Her parents relentlessly belittled, denigrated and punished her.  They didn’t hit her often, but they forced her to do everything their way.  They knew best and were always right; she was always wrong.  They said that her character and personality was fundamentally flawed.  Despite everything they did for her benefit, they knew she’d never be a good or successful person.  She’d always be a loser.

In response to their hostile criticism, emotional blackmail and verbal abuse, Irene became insecure and shy.  Although she was very mature and competent in her professional life, when she faced her parents, she became a little girl again.  She was intimidated by their certainty and rules.  Facing these bullies, Irene became a self-bully; bullied by the old attitudes, beliefs, rules and critical voices she carried in her head.

Irene was like so many other wounded people in life-long therapy.  She was completely focused on her parents’ continuing bullying, on resisting them, on hating them, on finally pleasing them, on getting past them.  She gnawed on the bone of her parents endlessly.  She was depressed and sometimes suicidal.  She thought she needed repeated catharsis to keep functioning.

The relationship with her parents consumed her life.  Irene kept trying to convince them to give in to her and to approve of her so she could feel good.  She just wanted them to be fair and reasonable … and to like and appreciate her.  She thought she mustn’t ever create a safe distance from them even though they still bullied her.  The guilt would be overwhelming.

Let’s focus on the perspective that gave Irene back her life.  I think there are developmental transitions we all go through.  The first stage of growing up and leaving home is when we leave physically.  Most of us go to school, get jobs, get stuff (homes and cars), get spouses or partners, get children, get debts … get self-supporting.  We often move away so we can spread our wings without our parents’ eagle eyes on us.  Then we think we’ve become free and independent adults.  Externally, maybe.

We usually make this outer transition between the ages of 16-35.  When did you?

But that’s only the first transition.  There’s a second, necessary transition before we become truly unique, independent selves.  In this transition, we clean out the internal mental, emotional and spiritual homes we gave our parents.  We discard everything we took in when we were children.  And we take in what fits us now.  Some of the attitudes and ideas may be the same as our parents have, but much of it will be different.

In this transition, we get over our parents.  The present and the future we want to create become the focus of our world.  Our parents aren’t the focus any more.  They no longer fill up our world.  We move them off to the side or into the background, whether they like it or not.

Now we can take in attitudes and ideas as adults; adjusting them with our adult experience and wisdom.  Children take in ideas as black-or-white, all-or-none RULES, and apply those rules everywhere.  There’s no gray for them.  Adults know there’s gray in many areas.  We all did our best and it was good enough to keep us alive and get us to where we are now.  But we didn’t have the experience to judge with wisdom.  We misunderstood, misinterpreted and had very narrow visions.  We were kids.

This second transition is usually age and life-stage dependent.  For example, our careers reach a plateau, we can see the children leaving home, we become middle-aged, we notice the same, repeating life patterns and lessons, or we wonder if we’ll ever fulfill our heart’s desire.

Are you there yet?

When we’ve done this, we’re no longer controlled by our parents’ voices, rules, beliefs and attitudes.  We have our own view of life and what’s important for us and how we can get it.  We can create the life we’ve wanted, independent of whether they like it or not.  We may or may not reject them; we’re simply not controlled by them or by having to be like or different from them.  We make up our own minds.

When Irene saw her life’s movement with this perspective, she heaved a sigh of relief.  She wasn’t a loser or flawed sinner caught forever in an insoluble bind.  Her parents’ opinions of her faults and what she needed to do were merely their personal opinions, shaped by their upbringing.  Nothing more truthful or important than personal opinions.  She no longer put them on a pedestal.

She wasn’t helpless.  The situation wasn’t hopeless.  She was normal.  She just had to persevere in order to create a life that she could call her own.  And if her parents didn’t like it; so what?  They didn’t get to vote.  If they wanted to get close to her, they have to pass the tests of her 9 Circles of Trust.

Some people get this in a blinding flash when they’re relatively young.  For Irene, it took much longer.  The transition wasn’t easy for her but it was do-able.  She felt free and light, like a great burden had been lifted from her shoulders.  She was always stubborn.  Now she could use her stubbornness to persevere.  The light at the end of her tunnel was the life she’d always wanted to live.

She won’t let her parents wound her any more.  The big difference from decades ago was that now she was just as tall as they were.  She was an adult.  Keeping herself safe from them was more important than old rules that had led her to accept their abuse and control.  When she made her parents’ opinion unimportant and she turned to face the light at the end of her tunnel, she could feel her wounds healing, as wounds naturally do when no one is picking at the scabs.

Where are you with your parents?  Where are you with your own growing independence?

How do you know if someone is your friend?

Dana is a seven-year old with a good heart.  In order to help a new girl, Amanda, break into her school, Dana befriends her.  She talks to the girl, hangs out with her on the playground and even has her mother arrange play-dates.  Dana is cheerful and popular, and her efforts are successful.  Other children also become friends with Amanda. But, even in the beginning of their friendship Amanda often manipulates, controls and bullies Dana.  Dana wonders, “Is Amanda really my friend and what should I do?”  Here’s what Amanda does.

Actually, Amanda is a manipulative, controlling stealth bully.  Stealth bullies are:

• Selfish – When Dana won’t do what Amanda wants, Amanda gets angry.  She yells that Dana is bad.  Amanda insists that her opinions matter more than Dana’s.
• Critical – She criticizes Dana’s clothes and what Dana likes to do.  She’s gleeful when she points out Dana’s mistakes.  She’s always putting Dana down, topping her, countering her and staying one-up.  She’s always right and righteous about it.
• Hyper-sensitive – When Dana plays with other girls, Amanda says that her feelings are hurt.  According to Amanda, Dana is her best friend and she’s supposed to play only with Amanda.  Amanda says that the only way Dana can make her feel good is for Dana to do what she wants.
• Deceitful – Amanda doesn’t apply that rule to herself.  She feels perfectly free to play with whoever she wants to.  She even snubs Dana when she wants to become “best friends” for a while with the other person.
• Righteous finger-pointers – Amanda is always right and when her feelings are hurt, it’s 100 percent Dana’s fault. She always blames Dana.

Dana is mystified.  Amanda says that she’s Dana’s best friend but Dana often feels verbally abused and emotionally intimidated.  Amanda stimulates Dana’s self-doubt and insecurity.  Dana doesn’t know what she’s done wrong when Amanda is hurt and angry.

Since Dana doesn’t identify Amanda as a stealth bully, she doesn’t resist Amanda’s attempts to manipulate and control her.

My coaching with Dana’s parents awakens them to the problem.  Their daughter is being manipulated and controlled.  I teach them how to help Dana recognize the patterns of Amanda’s manipulating.

So, how can Dana decide if Amanda is really her friend?  Dana and her parents make a list based on her interactions with Amanda – what would a true friend do in each of those situations?  Using this simple method, Dana can see that Amanda hasn’t done any of those things.  Dana recognizes that Amanda is a stealth bully.

Actions speak louder than words.  Actions show you who’s a true friend.  Reasons, justifications and excuses don’t.  Just like the expression, “Follow the money,” I use the expression, “Follow the actions.”

Dana’s parents help her accept that she’s done nothing wrong.  Amanda is the one with the problem.  Amanda doesn’t know how to be a good friend. 

But the important question for Dana is not, “Is Amanda my friend?”  The important question is, “Do I want to be with a person who acts like that, whether or not she calls herself my friend?”  Whatever Amanda’s upbringing and family problems are, she will have to act better if she wants to be with Dana.

Dana is now well on her way to breaking the pattern and creating a bully-free personal space.  She’s learned a valuable lesson she’ll need in junior high school.

This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace

Doesn’t a good manager solicit and incorporate employee feedback?  Isn’t employee happiness a major factor in building morale and teamwork? Well, yes.  With most employees you’d think that’s true.  But listen to what happened to Claire’s team, which harbored an unhappy, negative employee, Heather.

Heather was a chronic, whining complainer.  Nothing was good enough for her.  She criticized and disparaged everything Claire did.  She looked down her nose at Claire.

The tea in the break room was never good enough for Heather.  The soda and snacks at trainings, the seating arrangements and even the carpet in the training room never pleased Heather.  When Claire did what Heather seemed to want, Heather found something else wrong or changed her mind.  Heather was unhappy and told everyone it was Claire’s fault.  No matter what Claire did, she could never please Heather.  Heather was relentlessly hostile and verbally abusive.

Heather was a manipulative bully.  She used her unhappiness, negativity, criticism and verbal abuse to get Claire to try to please her.  But what could Claire do?  Wasn’t she supposed to try to make Heather happy?  Wouldn’t Heather be a more productive worker and better team player if she was happy.

When Claire accepted the assumption that she should do everything to please Heather, Claire gave Heather control of the team.  A few people joined Heather’s clique and bad mouthed everything Claire and the rest of the team did.  The rest of the team slunk away and tried to ignore Heather, despite the hostile environment she created.

Heather’s unhappiness and constant complaining triggered a pattern in Claire that I call “Self-Bullying.”  Claire accepted Heather’s assumptions about who was the failure.  Claire mentally beat herself up for not being good enough to please Heather.  Her self-doubt increased and her confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

As hostility increased and morale fell in Claire’s team, productivity also fell.  Sick leave and turnover increased.

I was brought in as a consultant and coach to help Claire’s once productive team.  We quickly developed a practical supervision and performance improvement plan that Claire could use for Heather.  But Claire wouldn’t implement it until she had done some major inner work.

Claire had to change her ineffective beliefs that:

• Everyone will become happy and productive if you give them what they want.
• Managers like Claire should make employees happy.
• Employee satisfaction is the key to team success.

The key change for Claire was recognizing Heather as a bully.  Heather had learned to use her distain, unhappiness and criticism to get people to try to please her.  With this tactic, she dominated and controlled her environment.  But once Claire recognized Heather as stealth bully, Claire was freed from her own self-bullying.  She was motivated and empowered to use the practical performance improvement plan effectively and successfully.

Heather wouldn’t improve her attitude and her team behavior.  She soon left.  The whole team heaved a great sigh of relief.

Why had Heather been allowed to remain with the company after she had treated her former manager the same way?  I’ll give more details of how Claire was finally successful, in an article to appear in the Denver Business Journal on February 15, 2008.