Visionary leaders can't waste time on problem managers

Visionary leaders often follow a simple formula to succeed. To avoid getting swamped by details they select independent, result-driven managers, train them, clarify goals and deliverables, and get out of the way.  Then they track progress. But how do you recognize managers who create ever-widening unhappiness, friction, turf fights, turnover and missed deadlines?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Visionary leaders can’t waste time on problem managers http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2004/06/14/smallb4.html

Here are four common examples of such problem managers: - see the original article for details.

1. Weaklings and avoiders act as if their motto is, “If they don’t like me they’ll fight me, but if they like me they’ll work hard for me.”
2. Bullies try to succeed thinking, “The beatings will continue until productivity and morale improve.”
3. Turf protectors believe, “What’s good for me is good for everyone.”
4. Snooping Puppet Masters seem to think, “Success depends on manipulating, blackmailing or destroying the competition.”

Leaders can see these problems in missed deadlines, high absenteeism, turnover and transfer rate, in exit interviews from a particular department or in anonymous suggestions and internal dissatisfaction surveys.  They might hear about them from an executive assistant, trusted manager or brave employee.  Discerning leaders will notice turf battles at budget meetings or looks passed around the table behind one manager’s back.

What can visionary leaders do?  You have more than enough on your plate and you can’t waste time in details trying to decide which of the fighting children is right.  But if you ignore the problems, they’ll grow into disasters.

The two key steps for stimulating change are: - see the original article for details.

1. Be clear and firm: The manager must change or else.
2. Bring in a consultant/coach to evaluate and act as the turn-around agent.

These problem managers will need:

• Continued pressure to change.
• Specific, individualized plans for how to succeed with a new approach.
• Cue cards for exactly what to say and do in initial, small steps.
• Expert guidance to help them pick the best situations to begin with.
• Plans for consistency and perseverance; other people will distrust their new approach.
• Behavioral signposts to measure progress.
• Frequent review, counseling and independent checks to see that they’ve actually done what they claim.

Often, these problem managers can help themselves by telling other people that they are trying to change and will have to see success with their new approach.  Under these conditions, managers who want to continue rising in their companies can change their ways.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try

I’m often asked to help leaders motivate employees because productivity, quality, attitudes and morale are low.  Leaders typically assume that unhappy employees are the problem, and making them happier – with team-building, money, perks or more involvement in decision-making - is the solution. That might seem like good sense but the answer doesn’t lie in accommodation, appeasement or consensus involving the most demanding employees.

To read the rest of this article from the East Bay Business Times, see: You can't make all employees happy -- and shouldn't try http://eastbay.bizjournals.com/eastbay/stories/2004/08/16/smallb6.html

The key isn’t being nicer; the key is leaders leading and followers following.

It’s true that many employees and managers will be more productive when they are treated the way they want.  But it’s equally true that many will enjoy their jobs only if they don’t have to be productive or evaluated honestly.  These people want to control every decision, put their feelings before work, be catered to and applauded for throwing temper tantrums.

Some examples of different leaders who got into trouble trying to be too nice.  For details, see the original article.

• The staff in one division of a company was unable to form three-person customer service teams because only 15 of 17 people wanted them.
• At another company, workers were allowed to interrupt senior leader meetings, rudely challenge any decision and make personal attacks on leaders.
• In an under-performing unit of a third company, a new supervisor evaluating a resistant and mediocre employee saw a five-year history of excellent reviews.

Lack of appropriate leadership at these companies created power vacuums that attracted negative, critical, unhappy and abusive people who wanted control.  Well-meaning leaders had perpetuated the lie that the best way to encourage employee productivity and professional growth was to placate them through sympathy, begging, bribery and allowing them to act out.  These cultures were self-described as “employee centered, caring, consensus and win-win.”

A key initial step in solving the problems was seeing them as cultures of entitlement, appeasement and rule by petulant, demanding “children.”

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment.  Companies do not exist to make us comfortable and happy, or give unconditional approval.  If your feelings are hurt by honest, professional evaluations, prepare for disappointment.  If they’re hurt by differences in responsibility and authority between leaders and followers, become a leader.

We don’t get to vote on everything.  We can’t force everyone to treat us the way we want.  We get rewarded for productivity and success.  We often have to suck it up and be productive when we’d rather not.

Ultimately, companies are in business to make a profit.  Well-meaning leaders who work too hard at being nice, caring people can find themselves carrying 100 percent of the burden to please the most hostile, demanding employees who aren’t contributing to the success of the organization.

Consensus leadership and flat hierarchies are fads that are finally beginning to pass.  They are simply not efficient or effective enough to succeed.

Leaders lead by determining direction, establishing goals and expectations, and judging employees by performance.  Leaders don’t have to be bullies or ogres.  Of course, listening to employees can be a great asset.  But, in the end, leaders are responsible for leading the way so employees can follow.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Santa's gift to you - his leadership rules

Learn from the master. Jovial and generous S. Claus, CEO of one of the world’s longest-lasting companies, “Toys Are Still Us,” knows how to be a great leader for the long haul. Even during his busiest season, Mr. Claus took time from his hectic schedule to be interviewed.  He always wants to spread the joyous word.  And he may also be trolling for new employees.

To read the rest of this article from Business First of Louisville, see: Santa’s gift to you – his leadership rules http://louisville.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2006/12/11/editorial2.html

He says that if your organization has deliverables and deadlines, his leadership principles are ageless.  If you’re just pushing papers across your desk, no need to bother learning these guidelines.

Some of his leadership rules – for details see the original article.

• Have goals worth the effort you’re demanding.
• Hire inspired elves.
• Know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
• Know everything and everyone.
• Value performance.
• Value attitude.
• Reward both performance and attitude.
• Talk with the elves on the front lines.
• Take time to plan.

Not even Santa can satisfy everyone. But, his methods have survived the tests of time and competition, and he’s practically cornered the market.  If you don’t like his style or aren’t willing to make the effort, see if you have more success leading like Ebenezer Scrooge or the Grinch did.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.l

What to do when complaints are about a senior manager

Suppose your employees are grumbling about one of your senior managers, the director of a key department – he’s much too harsh and turnover is high.  What should you do? One option, the easy way out, is to ignore it.  This option may be especially appealing if productivity is decent, despite the grumbling.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Louisville, see: What to do when complaints are about a senior manager http://louisville.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2005/01/24/editorial2.html

But suppose you look deeper and the evidence is clear:  Your senior manager is a critical perfectionist.  He micro-manages with sarcastic criticism and put-downs, browbeats staff relentlessly, never gives compliments and hogs the credit and shovels the blame.  He harasses, bullies and abuses his staff.  Even long-term stars want out and productivity is merely OK.  Unhappiness has spread to other departments that have interacted with him.

You can still find easy explanations to avoid getting involved: You have other worries, there are no red flags on balance sheets, he treats you OK and he hasn’t thrown anything, hit anyone or blown up in public.  Employees always complain about hard-driving leaders and why open a can of worms?

Leaders who still gloss over these situations are merely conflict-avoidant.  They’ll ensure years of hard feelings, declining performance, scorn behind their backs and, eventually, increased costs to clean out a bigger cesspool.  Or maybe they think they’ll be long gone before it backs up to their door.

Another option is often chosen by leaders who think, “We’re all good people here. If we got together we’d agree on an effective compromise.”  They hope the politically correct approach of facilitated negotiation will manufacture a solution that works for everyone.

But in this situation that’s just a band-aid.  It won’t lead to long-term, productive change because the problem is a brutal manager, not a lack of understanding and acceptance of different styles within a reasonable range.

At this point, there’s little incentive for the senior manager to make consistent, lasting change.  During negotiations a lot of talk will happen, fingers will get pointed, people will get argumentative and defensive, hopes will get raised and dashed, and people will become even more polarized, antagonistic and litigious.  You’ve simply delayed a real solution and upped the pain and cost.

I recommend a third option: To give the problem manager a chance to turn things around and mend fences, give him an ultimatum - “change or else” - backed by short timelines, close monitoring, effective support for the changes you want him to make and repeated praise from you for any progress.

Get a coach-advisor the manager can respect, accept and trust.  He will need to learn a new managing style and new communication skills.  Expect stepwise progress as he learns whether his new approach can keep productivity, quality and kudos high.  Help him maintain leadership credibility by requiring training for the whole department hand having him participate.

How do you know when to quit dodging your responsibility and to use the third option? A truthful and global costing out is crucial.  See original article for details.

Take into account the effects of his behavior on:

• Productivity.
• Time spent by HR, staff and supervisors in all departments talking about incidents and dealing with complaints and hurt feelings.
• Effects on inter-departmental interactions.
• Transfer and turnover of good employees, especially outstanding young people who would be the next generation of leaders.
• Monetary and emotional costs of facilitated negotiations that fail.
• Costs for litigation, lawyers and buying silence from many employees.
• Lost respect for you and lost passion for your mission and goals, which will infect the organization.

You may have heard the expression, “People don’t leave organizations; they leave bad supervisors.”  That’s much too simplistic.

Once you have competitive benefits, great people leave bad environments – including poor supervisors, peers and coworkers, and systems that thwart accomplishment.  The most effective way of keeping the best employees and managers is setting high standards and standing up for them.

Remember, your leadership is on trial also.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Leaders Who Ignore the Human Element Will Fail

To be a successful administrator, basic operational savvy is necessary.  But to be a successful leader, you must also master human savvy. For example, Joe worked his way up through the financial ranks and had mastered three of the major skills of internal operational savvy:

• Setting high performance standards.
• Project management.
• Financial soundness.

Joe’s teams met their goals within budget and deadlines.

But Joe was always passed over for promotions to leadership.  Why?  Basic operational savvy isn’t enough to make leaders even partially successful.

To read the rest of this article from the Memphis Business Journal, see: Leaders who ignore the human element will fail http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/stories/2007/10/01/smallb4.html

When I explained to Joe that he was missing the human savvy I’ll describe below, he said he couldn’t change.  He had strength of character and responded successfully to the ups and downs, and the challenges of business.  But he said he was an introvert.  He could achieve high performance in operational areas but it wasn’t his personality to excel in people areas.

Joe’s response is nonsense.  He doesn’t need to become an extrovert or develop the personality of an archetypal used-car salesman.  But if he wants to advance his career, he does need to master his innate human savvy—the universal human attributes for empathy and sympathy, for knowing what makes people tick, and for transmitting and enhancing passion and dedication.

Joe’s progress was halting when he was simply memorizing lists of how-to’s.  But his learning took off when he modeled himself after the subject of one of the best leadership books, “Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln,” by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Joe saw himself as having a personality similar to Lincoln: a melancholy introvert who could come out of his shell to make human contact.  Lincoln’s human savvy was a crucial component of his success.  Joe resolved, “If Lincoln could do it, so can I.”  Joe drove himself to use Lincoln as his guide and to learn what Lincoln learned.

One of the important personal skills Joe learned was critical listening.  Instead of listening only to the dictionary definitions of words, he trained himself to hear “the message behind the message.”

That essential information taught him what concerns other people have and what they really want.  Joe used what he learned in order to connect with his team on an emotional level, so he could help them dedicate to their mission.

Lincoln said that the most important task of a leader, once he has finally decided on a course of action, is to educate people so they are inspired to proceed on that course.  Lincoln used insightful comparisons and memorable stories to transfuse people with his vision, dedication and perseverance.  Joe realized that appropriate stories have an emotional impact greater than the effects of logical arguments.

Like Lincoln did, Joe can now tell memorable stories of his team’s effort and progress.  His staff is now enthused to achieve team and personal goals in the face of challenges that demand their best.

Joe also sets high behavioral standards and holds his staff accountable for behavior that reflects good attitudes.  He’s stopped bullies and even had some success getting difficult messages across to abusive, toxic staff.  His best workers are happier now that he’s weeded out the slackers and bad apples.

Now his superiors say:

• “Joe seems to guess what the next steps are, even when I haven’t said them.”
• “He’s a good confidant. I can count on him to rally the rest of my leadership team and to see that his people are on top of what’s truly essential.”
• “He’s a go-getter.  He’s stopped bullying, manipulation, negativity and meeting sabotage in his new department.   He can inspire people to overcome change and adversity, as well as to keep innovating when times are good.”

Many people teach basic operational savvy as if it’s all that’s necessary for leadership success.  But good administrators aren’t necessarily good leaders.  Basic operational savvy is necessary, but it’s not enough. Leadership success is more all or none.  You can succeed only if you master human savvy.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  You can learn to:

• Master the human element.
• Eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Can Forgiveness Keep Us from Stopping Bullies?

Many people believe that forgiveness – complete, unconditional and true – is necessary for spiritual development and for stopping bullies. These people struggle so they can see all people as completely spiritual and good, they strive to love them unconditionally, and they aspire to rise above earthly concerns and values.  That makes them feel very spiritual and virtuous.

However, much more often, I see the trap that “ineffective forgiveness” leads people into.

There’s a better way – “effective forgiveness.”

What I see are the many women and men who I’ve coached or who have written comments about their years of trying to love and forgive bullies who haven’t changed and who continue to harass and abuse them and their children.  Ineffective forgiveness becomes a trap when:

• We don’t stop thinking about the incidents and we generate the same repeating cycle of strong emotions.
• We don’t take precautions so the bully repeatedly attacks us.
• We don’t learn how to avoid the same traps or how to stop bullying by toxic, selfish, narcissistic bullies’ sneaky manipulations, control, back-stabbing, or overt violence or threats of violence.

Ineffective forgiveness means that we hope the other person won’t be mean or nasty next time.  We hope that our believing this bit of wishful thinking helps bullies become better.  And to show that we’ve forgiven, we must put ourselves back into the same position in hopes bullies won’t take advantage of our good nature and kindness.

Ineffective forgiveness means people have put the value of forgiveness and the value of self-protection at the same level.  This trap leads to despair, defeat, depression and, maybe, suicide.

Almost all of the women who have interviewed me on radio and television were raised to be “nice girls.”  Their mothers taught them to forgive the mean girls who tormented and terrorized them, because those girls must have had terrible home lives.  They were taught that it was wrong to fight back and to protect themselves.

This kind of ineffective forgiveness doesn’t stop relentless bullying at home, at school or at work.

What do we try to gain by replaying incidents of bullying and abuse? Replaying is a motivational strategy.  We’re trying to develop enough fear or pain, suffering or sorrow, isolation or depression, anger or rage so that we’ll finally take steps to protect ourselves.  We’re trying to develop enough energy to act effectively.

Therefore, once we know that we’ll protect ourselves, we can stop the rehashing the incidents, stop regenerating the strong emotion in order to keep us suspicious and alert.  Then we can forgive effectively.

What are the goals of effective forgiveness and what do we usually require to get there?

• The goal of effective forgiveness is simply to stop thinking about the other person so they occupy no space in our mental or emotional worlds.
• In order to relax our vigilance, either we have to know that the perpetrator won’t try bullying us again or that we’ll protect ourselves, naturally, automatically and easily, if they ever try again.  Because we’ll stop them automatically, we don’t need to replay and re-analyze all the terrible incidents to keep us on guard and full of energy.
• Sometimes we’ll get bullies out of our environment, off our isle of song, but sometimes we’ll allow them to stay, although we’ll protect our personal space next time.  Effective forgiveness does not mean that we must still relate to them in the way they want.  Whoever tries to require continued interaction as evidence of “forgiveness,” is still trying to control us.
• Usually, we test a bully’s sincerity by requiring public apologies and amends.  If they won’t do these, we correctly don’t trust them.  Even if they do these, we still can choose to get them out of our space.

What if no apologies or amends are possible? I saw a program about the Amish in America, in which a portion was devoted to a young man who invaded an Amish school, sent all the boys out and started shooting all the girls. He killed five and seriously wounded more.  Then he killed himself.

What can we say?  There are no apologies or amends that would make that okay.

I’m saying that in such cases, the task of the Amish families is not to forget, but somehow to move on with the children who are alive and with each other.  Whatever they can think and do to reduce this horror to a size that makes it only a part of life, to a size that still allows them to find joy, for the children to grow up and love and have their own children, whatever allows them to do that is effective.  If they use the work “forgiveness,” that’s fine.

How can we forgive ourselves? Follow the same approach.  Beating ourselves relentlessly; negative self-talk, self-bullying, self-doubt, self-questioning, perfectionism, blame, shame, guilt and self-flagellation are simply ways of continuing to remind ourselves to do better.  But that’s a hard way to keep the reminder in mind.  The price is pretty high – loss of confidence and self-esteem, loss of will and determination.  When we change our way of being in the world, so we know we won’t act that way again, we won’t need the self-bullying.  Or when we make ourselves into people who are so filled with the best of us that we won’t act that way next time, we won’t need the self-bullying to motivate us to stay on track.

The goal of effective forgiveness is always about behavior:

• We don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies.
• We recognize bullies, especially sneaky, narcissistic, manipulative ones.
• We protect ourselves.

No specific process is required or is the best, as long as we get to the goal.  Whatever our explanations, psychological rationalizations, excuses or justifications are for bullies’ behavior or whatever make us feel good about forgiving them, the only criterion that really matters is that we get to the goals of effective forgiveness – we don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies and we protect ourselves.

Notice that I haven’t gone into abstract discussions about the existence of evil, or whether bullies are sinners or whether this world of pain and suffering, of joy and beauty is real or whether it’s a delusion to see through.  Those considerations might be important to some people, but they’re irrelevant to learning how to stop bullies and to protect ourselves from their attacks.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

You don't want dish-breakers in your kitchen cabinet

Good leaders need a “cabinet,” which is a senior team responsible for carrying out decisions and implementing plans. But what about your “kitchen cabinet” – a smaller group of trusted associates; an inner circle that helps you confidentially speculate about possible directions, make difficult decisions or deal with sensitive issues in the workplace?  Do you know who to bring into your kitchen cabinet?  And who to exclude?

To read the rest of this article from the Boston Business Journal, see: You don’t want dish-breakers in your kitchen cabinet http://www.bizjournals.com/boston/stories/2008/07/28/story6.html

Most senior teams, or cabinets, have five to 15 people.  You might call these teams your “strategic team,” but they usually become more tactical because members tend to focus on day-to-day operations and functions, and jockey for turf and power.

Your kitchen cabinet will be smaller.  Success is important but is not the major criterion for who gets onto your kitchen cabinet.  What types of people ruin a kitchen cabinet?

• Insecure, defensive, troublesome, whining, complaining, victims, Drama Queens and meddling peacemakers who need constant reassurance.
• Narcissistic, micromanagers and control-freaks unable to get beyond their self-focus – invested in personal agendas, dislikes, vendettas and turf wars.
• Perpetually hostile, critical, negative, cranky, dogmatic and abusive rule-worshippers.
• Sneaky, manipulative, back stabbing bullies.
• Dishonest and lacking integrity.

In addition to success, what are some of the important qualities in people you do want?

• You feel comfortable opening up your thought processes and speculations to them.
• You trust their wisdom and vision.  You trust that they’ll serve your vision and goals first, not their own.
• They can take a big view objectively and they don’t take things personally and don’t engage in bullying to get their way.
• They’re resilient; not defeated by setbacks.
• They trust you enough that when you don’t tell them everything, they assume you have good reasons.
• They don’t gossip but, instead, maintain confidentiality; especially when they disagree with the value of plans you’re contemplating or have decided on.

If you’ve inherited a senior leadership team and a kitchen cabinet, you’ll still have to form your own.  That’ll cause some hurt feelings and you may have turnover.  But that’s much better than opening up to the wrong people or trying to operate without an effective kitchen cabinet.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Managers must be decisive in handling problems

Good managers don’t clean up messes caused by their staffs.  They prevent messes from happening. Carl, head of a division, finally had to fix the problems in a department run by a senior manager, Brenda.  He transferred one supervisor and three high-ranking staff members to other departments.  He was satisfied: once again, he showed that he could be decisive and clean house.

But Carl had consistently ignored my advice that the head of that department was a problem.  Even with the housecleaning, he didn’t make the changes necessary to keep the problems from resurfacing later.

To read the rest of this article from the Jacksonville Business Journal, see: Managers must be decisive in handling problems http://www.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2009/02/02/smallb5.html

I discovered a dark side behind Brenda’s behavior.  She was both conflict avoidant and passive-aggressive.

Carl’s permissiveness allowed Brenda to create a toxic culture of conflict-avoidance and passive-aggressiveness that diminished productivity throughout her department.  Abusive, harassing, bullying, unprofessional behavior included back-stabbing, innuendos, rumors, negativity and warring cliques; leading to widespread paranoia and over-reactions.

Carl and Benda ignored the widespread evidence that some people simply didn’t like each other and wouldn’t collaborate, and that for some people, personal agendas took precedence over company goals.  Also, some people behave decently only when they are actually held accountable by meaningful consequences.  Real-world bullies won’t behave, no matter what.

Carl and Brenda wouldn’t hold staff accountable in any consistent and meaningful way.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of conflict-avoidant, passive-aggressive low attitudes of managers and staff.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Be wary of these business animals

Lion tamers and snake handlers can be great entertainment. But taming the wild beasts in your own work office is no fun. It’s something you have to do, however, if they’re preventing your team meetings from being productive. If they’re on your team, you must control, channel or remove these destructive beasts:

To read the rest of this article from The Charlotte Business Journal, see: Be wary of these business animals http://www.bizjournals.com/charlotte/print-edition/2011/08/12/be-wary-of-these-business-animals.html

None of these people are interested in moving the team ahead, despite their protests to the contrary. They’re more interested in running their own processes, no matter what happens. They want the strokes they give themselves when they act like the beasts they are. They feel superior.

When cornered, beasts can be vicious and deadly. The longer you try to be a kindly therapist or educator, the more they’ll infect your whole team and stab you in the back in front of your superiors. These people aren’t stupid. They simply have their own agendas, which are more important to them than the team’s goals.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching can help you make a plan that fits you and your situation.

Take Power: Recognize and Label Bullying Spouses

People often wonder if they’re being bullied, controlled or abused by their spouses.  They want experts to help them recognize the signs and give them an educated, experienced opinion so they’ll have a new weapon in the next round of the endless battle.  That’s a useful tactic but the major benefits are not what most people think. In addition to overt threats and violence, some criteria that we’re facing bullying, controlling or abusive husbands or wives are:

1. After marriage or kids, they changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
2. They make the rules; they control everything.  We feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
3. Their standards rule – our “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”  Their sense of humor is the right one.
4. They isolate us.
5. They control us with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips.  They use the opinions other people who agree with them – their friends, their parents – to justify what they do.
6. They don’t take our kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop.  They take our self-control as an invitation to bully us more.
7. They’re willing to argue forever and never admit that they have to change.  Whenever we make a good point, they attack on a different subject.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

1. They think they know best about everything.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps us along.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.
4. They’re more important than we are.
5. They think their rules should rule.
6. Everyone is a pawn in their game.
7. They think their excuses should excuse them.

Both lists are phrased as “They,” but really – we give in; we let them win.  We’re the ones who think good reasons or arguments, more understanding, begging, bribery, appeasement, forgiveness, unconditional love or the Golden Rule will work if we try hard enough.  We’re the ones who think we’re wrong if we give up on someone.

The major, but usually overlooked, benefit in recognizing and labeling the patterns of behavior as “bullying” and the person as a “bully” is that it’s a powerful label.

1. Indeed, many men women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”
2. But when we label what’s happening as “bullying,” the unknown terror no longer seems so overwhelming; it’s reduced in size as the light of a strong label shines on their behavior.  Our shame, guilt, doubt and hesitation decrease.  Our self-bullying, negative self-talk decreases.
3. Our spirit rises up; we feel energized and empowered to fight back.  Our will, determination and dedication are strengthened.  Our courage, perseverance, endurance and resolution are engaged.  We won’t quit any more and temporary defeats don’t defeat us for long.
4. We take charge of our attitudes and feelings, and increase our self-confidence and self esteem.  In so doing, we take charge of our actions and our future.  We gain clarity about our goals and seek personalized coaching to develop a plan and carry it out.
5. Once we know what we’re up against, we look for information, skills and help.  We feel more powerful when we re-enter the fight.

In the next article, we’ll talk about an even better tactic than taking the strength we gain from using the words “bullies” and “bullying” into battle as our shield and sword.

Stop Internal Wars and Negative Self-Talk

Jane was stuck in an internal war.  Every time she made some progress toward goals she’d been pursuing for years – cleaned her house, did things on her to-do list, met people she’d wanted to, signed up for classes toward a better job, courageously risked being honest – she’d start beating herself up in ways she was familiar with since childhood. A part of her would say, in an old, familiar voice, “Who do you think you are, you’ll never succeed, you’ll fall back into being a failure, you’re fat and ugly, you’re not good enough to stay on track, you’re weak at your core, you’ll never do the right thing, you’ll fail like you always do, no one likes you, no one will love you, you’ll be alone all your life.”

Then she’d isolate herself and start picking on herself physically.  That’d only make things worse.  She’d feel ashamed and guilty.  “Maybe they’re right,” she’d think.  “I’m not good enough.  I’ll always be a mess.  I’ll never change.  I’ll never succeed.”

She’d become angry at her parents and all the people who’d taken advantage of her, at all the people who weren’t supportive now and finally at herself.  And the cycle would continue; a little success leading to self-loathing and predictions of failure, followed by anger at everyone in her past and present, followed by more anger and self-loathing.  After several wasted days, she’d get herself together to try once more, but the emotional and spiritual cost of each cycle was huge. Self-bullying – negative self-talk, an internal war between the side of you that fights to do better and the side that seems to despise you, that’s full of self-loathing and self-abuse – can go on a whole lifetime.  Of course, the effects can be devastating – anxiety and stress, discouragement and depression, loss of confidence and self-esteem, huge emotional swings that drive good people away and attract bullies and predators.

Perhaps the worst effect is a sense of desperation and panic, isolation and loneliness – it feels like this has been going on forever and doesn’t look like it will ever end; every failure feels like the end of the world; like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.  You feel helpless and are sure that it’s hopeless.

Or maybe the worst effect is marrying someone who bullies you and stimulates your most negative self-talk.

This is not a war between the left and right sides of our brains.  This is usually not our being taken over by an evil spirit that needs exorcised psychologically.

This is usually a battle between two sides of us that split apart because of terrible, overwhelming pressure when we were kids.  Back then, we didn’t know how to cope with the horror so we split into two strategies that have been battling with childlike intensity and devotion ever since.

On the one hand, we fight to feel inspired and centered and to do our best; to be courageous and bold and fierce; to try hard, be joyous and hope for success.  On the other hand, we fight to make us docile and not try to rise above our meager lot in life, to accept what they tell us and give up struggling against them so they’ll let us survive, to motivate ourselves by whipping ourselves so we’ll make enough effort and do the right things, and maybe then they’ll give us something in return and we’ll have those feelings of peace and joy.

Both voices want us to survive and to feel centered, peaceful and filled with joy.  Each takes an opposite path to get there.  Instead of a psychological exorcism, we need an internal reconciliation and a release from old battles with our external oppressors and between our internal, battling voices.

The inner goal is clear: We’ll be whole and unified, both sides will be working together toward the same end (http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/04/25/getting-over-parents-who-wound-their-children-the-2nd-stage-of-growing-up-and-leaving-home/#more-35): the different possibilities for action will be presented to us in the encouraging voices of coaches; we’ll be inspired and motivated by encouragement, not whipping: we’ll have an adult sense of our strength and capability; we’ll feel like we can cope successfully without tight control over everything and we’ll act in a timely manner; situations won’t put us into a panic; mistakes won’t be a portent of doom.

The path or process toward that goal varies with each individual.  It’s not easy; it’s not instantaneous.  There are steps forward and steps back.  Sometimes it will seem like we’re back at square one.  It requires great helpers and guides.  But, as we are able to step back more and more easily and look with adult eyes at the big picture, we’ll recover our poise and press on more easily. Have I ever seen these wars overcome?  Many times.

For example, Jane finally made internal peace.  Her warring sides accepted that they had the same outcome – making a good life for her, filling her with the joy she’d always wanted to feel.  They realized that neither side could defeat the other; their only hope was to work together using adult strategies of motivating her to take actions that would help her succeed.  They saw that her situation now, in middle age, was very different from when she was a helpless child and had to depend on parents who seemed to despise her character, personality and style.

In order to end the external war, she moved far away from her birth family and cut off contact.  She started a new life.  She knew she’d have to bear unbearable loneliness until she made friends and loves worth having.  It wasn’t easy but she did it.  You can too.

Moments of Choice from Captain Chesley Sullenberger's Childhood

My last post focused on children, teenagers and adults facing moments of choice when they’re targets of or bystanders-witnesses to harassment, bullying and abuse.  People who repeatedly turn away from that call to step up usually develop terrible long-term consequences including increased stress, insecurity, discouragement and depression; increased blame, shame, guilt and negative self-talk; and loss of self-confidence and self-esteem. The valor of Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger focuses us on a different but just as critical a set of choices our kids and teens face as they grow up.

In a Wall Street Journal article, Jeffrey Zaslow, co-author, with Captain Sullenberger, of his book, "Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters," Captain Sullenberger faced a number of difficult situations when he was growing up.  He responded to these moments with powerful choices that led him to be prepared to act effectively in the moment when both engines of his Airbus A320 on US Airways flight 1549 went out and he ditched the plane safely in the Hudson River.

Sullenberger’s choices did not begin when danger was thrust on him; they began when he prepared himself for the dangers of real-life, long before he developed his flying skills.

His youthful choices led him to develop the character and skill he needed when a moment of truth was thrust upon him and lives were at stake.  Some of the choices he made long before he captained that flight:

1. Act when someone is helpless in the face of danger.  For example, when he was 13 he watched the news about Kitty Genovese, a New York woman who was stabbed to death while her neighbors ignored her screams and didn’t even act to call the police.  Sullenberger decided then “that if I was ever in a situation where someone such as Kitty Genovese needed my help, I would choose to act.  No one in danger would be abandoned.  As they’d say in the Navy: ‘Not on my watch.’”
2. Work hard to protect people’s lives; don’t be a bystander.  Sully says that after his “father killed himself in 1995, ‘His death had an effect on how I view the world.  I am willing to work hard to protect people’s lives, not to be a bystander, in part because I couldn’t save my father.’”
3. Accept what’s happening and work to better the situation.  After their struggles with [his wife’s] infertility and the arduous journey of trying to become adoptive parents, Sully says, “The challenges [we] faced made me better able to accept the cards I’ve been dealt.”
4. Be prepared.  Study how things can go wrong and plan ahead to overcome potential problems.  In order to see what went wrong and to figure out what to do better, he examined many plane wrecks in person and read many transcripts of cockpit vice recorders taken just before crashes.  The lessons he chose to learn: “Be vigilant and alert.”  He saw that Charles Lindbergh’s “success was due almost entirely to preparation, not luck.”
5. Develop the right mindset.  He says, "In so many areas of life, you need to be a long-term optimist but a short-term realist… You have to know what you know and don't know, and what your airplane can and can't do in every situation."
6. Sacrifice lower priority goals for more important ones.  "By attempting a water landing," he says, "I would sacrifice the 'airplane goal'—trying not to destroy an aircraft valued at $60 million—for the goal of saving lives."
7. Compartmentalize.  Focus on the immediate task; don’t be distracted by extraneous thoughts.  “Sully says his family did not come into his head. ‘That was for the best. It was vital that I be focused; that I allow myself no distractions. My consciousness existed solely to control the flight path.’”

Captain Sullenberger is justly praised for what he did as an adult on the day he saved 155 lives.  And I see a hero in the 13 year-old boy who started and continued to make wonderful choices in response to the difficult situations he faced; preparing himself for the moment when the duty to respond was thrust on him 40 years later.

We never know how many lives will be on the line when our call to action comes; we must develop the will and also the skill so that we can respond effectively.  We must also prepare our children to recognize and respond successfully when their calls to higher duty come.  Facing bullies or witnessing bullying is only one of those situations.

Stop bullying cliques at work

In the last post, we analyzed the tactics bullying cliques typically use and 10 common reasons why people form or join hostile, predatory cliques at work. Both men and women form and join cliques, even through their tactics are often different.  These predators verbally, sexually and physically harass and abuse both men and women.  They sabotage performance.  Don’t be surprised to learn that women prey on other women in the office – you’ve seen the evidence through elementary school, junior high school and high school.

What can you do if:

• You have a pattern of being bullied all your life?
• You’re a target?
• You have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked?
• You’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim?

Bullying, cutting-out and creating and attacking scapegoats comes from a deep place within us and is found in almost all cultures, places and times.

Sometimes you can see that the person on the receiving end has done many things to offend almost everyone else.  But let’s put that situation aside for this post and focus on all the rest of the times when the person being cut out or attacked has been okay and the problem is the group that attacks their scapegoat.

If you’ve been bullied all your life, you have a problem that you’ll have to solve before you can deal effectively with a bullying clique.  Even if you haven’t done anything wrong to the pack of predators, you’re wearing a neon sign: "Kick me."  Lions, wild dogs and sharks can see who the weak and vulnerable ones are.  Bullies can too.  You’ll have to change your attitudes and beliefs so you’ll have a different sign: "Don’t mess with me!"  Let’s also leave this situation for another post.

Many people hope to stop cliques of bullies by analyzing why they do it and then using their understanding to design solutions.  Don’t waste your time.  You know why some people find others to pick on.  That catalogue of reasons is enough.

Management training rarely works.  Textbook and educational approaches – we’ll talk and I’ll show them why it’s wrong and they’ll see the error of their ways and become caring – rarely work.  They won’t stop bad behavior that’s driven by underlying emotions.

Predatory behavior by packs isn’t driven by intellectual reasons, it’s driven by emotions.  Of course the perpetrators can find reasons to justify their behavior, but they don’t do the behavior because of the reasons.  They do the behavior because of their own emotional needs and then they try to cover up the ugliness with a pretty picture of justifications.

Ignoring the problem or begging, bribery and appeasement simply reinforce low attitudes and behavior at all levels.  A major part of the problem are conflict-avoidant leaders, managers and co-workers who think that if we all talk nicely to each other or try to make bullies happy, they’ll stop bullying cliques.

Some real-world, stepwise approaches are:

• Make efforts to be friendly in practical ways, in order to give them a chance to change – without doing anything immoral, illegal or odious.  Bring pizza and donuts.  Cover for them when they need help.  Socialize with coworkers.
• If they continue targeting you (which they usually will), get help to develop tactics to isolate the ringleaders or get them fired.  The key goals are: separation and isolation.  Terminated is better than transferred, because transferred means that you’ve helped them create another bully-scapegoat situation.  How nice is that?
• Get firmer and firmer.  Don’t threaten or share your tactics with them.  Get an attorney to advise you about local laws.  Get allies – HR and managers rarely want to be involved, but give them one chance.  Document, document, document.
• If you have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked, you have an integrity choice to make.  Do you want to live in fear or do you want to win a workplace war?
• If you’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim, you have another integrity choice to make.  Often, if you help a victim, the victim won’t help in return.  Be prepared to act alone, if necessary.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

The strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same – whether they’re men or woman.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

Dieting? Quitting smoking or stopping drinking? Whose advice should you trust?

Are you dieting?  Have you noticed that everyone has advice about the best ways to stop?  The advice-givers also think they know best for people who are trying to quit smoking or stop drinking. For example, Tammy is dieting again.  She’s tried losing weight before, even succeeded, but has always gained it back.  This time she’s more determined.  Her friend Helen says she knows best.  She tells Tammy that she must eat big meals to celebrate every small success, like when she loses a few pounds.  If Tammy follows her advice, Helen will know that Tammy is really her good friend.

You’ve seen the same pattern when smokers push cigarettes on a friend who’s trying to quit.  Or when a drinker gets upset and pushes drinks on a friend who’s trying to stop drinking.

Is Helen really Tammy’s friend?  Does Helen have Tammy’s best interests at heart?  Should Tammy listen to Helen’s advice?

Of course there are many more difficulties to losing weight, quitting smoking or stopping drinking, but I want to focus on this one part of the total effort.

We could easily say that people who want to lose weight shouldn’t listen to the Helens in the world, people quitting smoking shouldn’t listen to supposed friends who tempt them with cigarettes, and people trying to stop drinking shouldn’t accept free drinks from pushers.

But I’d like to show you how to use the Nine Circles of Trust technique in this situation.  Instead of trying to answer questions about whether Helen is a true friend, Tammy simply started listing what anyone would have to do to move from the distant ninth circle, into the eighth circle closer to her, or closer still into the seventh circle, and even into closer circles.  The closer Tammy allows them to come, the more likely she is to listen to their opinions or advice.

During this listing, Tammy realized that she didn’t want to allow into her personal space, anyone who pushes food on her, whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.  Even if they threaten Tammy with the loss of a so-called friendship, her commitment to her diet comes first.  If Helen continues to push food down Tammy’s throat, Tammy must get Helen’s opinion out of her face.  That may mean getting Helen out of her space.

Tammy says she’s open to people expressing an opinion on which diet worked best for them.  But she’s not willing to listen to people trying to tempt, seduce or coerce her into doing what they may think best if it violates Tammy’s goals or standards.  She won’t accept relentless arm-twisting from Helen.  You can read more about what Tammy does in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Of course, most of us can be politely non-committal when someone offers a little friendly advice … one time.  We can easily ignore the suggestion if we want, and they don’t push their opinions or standards repeatedly.  But relentless bullying by people who think they know best and try to force us or emotionally blackmail us is different.

One key to the success of the Nine Circles process is that it shifts the focus from abstract discussions of friendship and trust, and converts them into your taking charge of the specific actions (and opinions) that you’ll allow in your personal space.

Imagine how the Nine Circles method would work for someone trying to quit smoking or stop drinking.  Since many dieters, smokers and drinkers have internal, self-bullies that try to prevent them from taking charge of their space, personalized coaching and consulting is usually necessary.

Read 20 different case studies demonstrating how to stop overt and stealth bullies in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  You’ll also see how a woman resists a verbally abusive, coercive and intimidating husband in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

A general question to ponder: should you blindly follow relationship advice from your massage therapist who has been in an endless series of one night stands after four failed marriages?  Or should you blindly follow spending directions from your orthopedic surgeon who thinks the only worthwhile activity in life is Scuba diving in New Zealand?  How being assaulted by parenting advice from people whose children are selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and don’t respect them?

These people may have expertise in one area of life, but they don’t know best about other areas – especially for you.  If you continue to allow their opinions into your space, it’s like allowing them to continue to stick pins in your body.  Eventually, the insult and pain will wear you down.

Instead, use the 9 Circles of Trust exercise to decide what standards are yours and what opinions to let into your space.

Where else could you benefit from the 9 Circles of Trust process?