Schoolyard thugs morph into wilier workplace bullies

At some point in our lives, all of us have experienced bullies on the playground.  We’ve run across them in the workplace, too.  Many of them are now smarter at hiding what they do, which makes recognizing and dealing with them harder. Consider these three workplace bullies:

To read the rest of this article from the Business Journal of Jacksonville, see: Schoolyard thugs morph into wilier workplace bullies http://jacksonville.bizjournals.com/jacksonville/stories/2004/06/21/smallb3.html

Consider these three workplace bullies: - see original article for details

• Ed makes you walk on eggshells.  If you disagree with him, don’t give him what he wants or criticize him, he’ll retaliate with dirty looks and anger – or worse.
• Jane hides her bullying by focusing on what’s fair.  Even though her work is mediocre, she argues that she deserves the same favors the best workers get.
• Dora proudly lets everyone know she was a victim before and is hypersensitive now.  She grumbles, complains and whines about uncaring treatment, and if her feelings are hurt, she’ll cry and let everyone know how harsh and cruel you were.

Ed, Jane and Dora are bullies who fly below your radar because they’re sneaky, manipulative and coercive instead of overtly intimidating or violent.  They must have their way, on everything, no matter how minor, and they will use any tactics to get it.

Low-flying bullies are more dangerous than traditional playground bullies because their covert behavior masks the destruction they do.  Because you don’t recognize them as bullies, you don’t rally yourself to resist effectively.  You simply live with your frustration.

If you don’t stop their bullying, they’ll do serious damage to you and your organization.

Some early warning signs of low flying bullies:

• Your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”  They ignore, overrule or get around your objections.
• Your standards, priorities and interpretations are less important than theirs.
• You can’t act until you’ve convinced them that you’re right - and you can never convince them.
• Your concerns don’t get dealt with - their concerns take precedence.
• You feel emotionally drained and blackmailed.  You walk on eggshells thinking that if only you behaved better, things would be OK.
• The more you try to act reasonably, the more you have to give in.

Use a simple behavioral test to recognize them:  What do you have to do to get someone to be a productive partner?  Bullies show you that it takes a fight.

The good news is that once you label their behavior as bullying, you’ll know what you’re up against and can mobilize yourself to think strategically.

Appeasement never works because they’re never satisfied.  Don’t spend your life trying to rehabilitate them unless you’re willing to commit, whole-heartedly and willingly to changing their behavior – no matter how long it takes.

It’s not easy to stop them but you can.  The basic strategy when dealing with bullying behavior is to start negotiating calmly, reasonably and firmly and let their behavior, not their words, tell you how clear and firm you have to be to get them to change.  Become more firm incrementally until you find something that works.  Plan your strategy and tactics as if you’re going to war.  You are.

You’ll have to show them that you are more determined, resolute and resilient – and adjust your strategy.  Most bullies look for easy victims. So, take them on or submit.

See: Recognize Covert Bullies at Work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzdJQ0H1LxE

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Sneaky Bullies' Agenda Control

In his article in the New York Times, Erik Eckholm, points out that, “Alarmed by evidence that gay and lesbian students are common victims of schoolyard bullies, many school districts are bolstering their antiharassment rules with early lessons in tolerance.” The article continues, “Rick DeMato, pastor of Liberty Baptist Church, [who] opposes the curriculum changes in the school district in Helena, Mont. [has led] angry parents and religious critics…[to] charge that liberals and gay rights groups are using the antibullying banner to pursue a hidden ‘homosexual agenda,’ implicitly endorsing, for example, same sex marriage.”

What does this have to do with the devious tactics of sneaky, stealth bullies?

Stealth bullies win when they can change the subject to fit their agendas; when they can distract you from your subject and make the focus of discussion be something they want to discuss and over which they think they can win.

For example, suppose you complain about your date or spouse’s public or private sarcasm, put-downs and nasty, mocking humor.  If he’s a stealthy, manipulative bully, he might change the subject by saying that you’re hypersensitive and you over-react, or that you hurt his feelings by complaining.  If he can get you to focus on whether you’re hypersensitive or have no sense of humor or on making him feel better, then he wins and you lose.  You’ll never get him to stop making those remarks.

Or suppose you’re angry that he hit you.  If he’s a stealthy predator, he might complain that you didn’t communicate that in a supportive way or that you over-reacted or that you started it and you provoked him or that he felt put-down by your anger, which reminded him of his childhood.  And that’s the only thing he wants to talk about.  If he can get you to focus on your poor communication or his hurt feelings and past trauma, he wins and you lose.  He’ll never have to talk about your pain when he hit you and, since he has a good excuse for hitting you (his past trauma), he doesn’t have to change.

Notice the general rule: whoever controls the focus of the discussion will win.  Teenagers are also adept at doing this to their parents.

Therefore, you must take charge of the agenda.  Make him focus first on his sarcastic put-downs or on his hitting you.  And you have to be satisfied by the result before you’ll discuss his agenda.  If he doesn’t satisfy you, don’t go on to his agenda.  Go as far away as you can.

What does this have to do with the anti-bullying policies and programs we started with?

The initial agenda in those schools is stopping harassment, bullying and abuse of kids or adults.  The reason given by the bullies to justify their verbal, emotional and physical attacks was that their targets were gay or lesbian.  I pay more attention to the actions than to the excuses and justifications.  The agenda is stopping the bullying and violence.  The agenda is stopping the negativity, pain, anxiety and depression bullying causes.  The agenda is stopping the targets’ loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and the increasing number of bullying-caused suicides.

Some people want to make the agenda be a torturous and emotionally-charged discussion of whether schools can be allowed to promote a pro-gay and pro-lesbian agenda.  And whether parents or educators control what’s taught in schools.

If those stealthy bullies can get you into those discussions, you’ll never stop school bullying.  They won’t have to stop their children from bullying and abusing other kids.  They feel that bullying and violence should be condoned or at least tolerated because the bullies have good reasons to torment their targets.  Since, they think, being gay or lesbian is a sin, if one of the targets becomes a victim and commits suicide, the world is a better place.

So keep the focus where it should be: anti-bullying programs that stop bullies.  When I’m called in to help schools develop effective programs, I always challenge dissenters to come up with a better program to stop bullies before we talk about areas that would distract us from the main agenda.

And in your personal and work life, take charge of the agenda and keep the focus on the subject that matters; stopping bullies in their tracks – whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.

Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

What are the warning signs of controlling husbands?  Here's my list of the top dozen.  Do you have any to add? 1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. 2. You're afraid you'll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. 3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it's spent on. 4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. 5. You're told you're incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. 6. You're told that you're to blame if they hurt you. 7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don't do exactly what they want. 8. Their standards rule - your "no" isn't accepted as "no;" they're always right and you're always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they're not abusing you, you're too sensitive. 9. They isolate you - they won't allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work. 10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you're wrong or not good enough. 11. Your concerns generally don't get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes. 12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.

In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.

Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don't recognize and label the control and abuse as "bullying."  When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you'll be empowered to resist them.  When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.

The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.

Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying.  But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.