Identify types and tactics of bullies

Learn to identify and label different types of bullies and the tactics they use.  That will give you power.  You’ll know what you’re up against.  You won’t second-guess yourself.  You’ll be able to align and focus your energy and action.  You’ll get the help you need. Some ways many people think of bullying are:

• Mental, emotional, physical bullying (including harassment and threats).
• Verbal bullying, non-verbal harassment, physical violence (attacks on people, pets or things).

But I focus on 5 types of bullies and their tactics:

1. Overt bullies.
2. Covert bullies.
3. Cyberbullies.
4. “Professional Victims.”
5. Self-bullies.

Often there are no clear and fixed lines between these types of bullies and bullies often use different tactics.  I don’t include sexual bullying as a separate category because that can be done using all the tactics.

Overt bullies act out in public.  They’re easier to see and to get evidence against.

Covert bullies are sneaky, manipulative and controlling.  They abuse in secret; it’s much harder to get evidence against them.

Some of the techniques overt and covert bullies use:

• They get out of control and throw temper tantrums (like children).  They’ll have physical or verbal explosions or give the “Loud Silent Treatment.”  They get power by anger and rage.
• They indulge in personal vendettas and scapegoat victims.
• They make harsh judgments or remarks or put-downs.  They’re experts in personal criticism and negativity.
• They talk down to people.  They push sensitive places in order to make other people feel bad.
• Their feelings matter; yours don't.  They make the rules; you don't.  Their reasons make sense; yours don't.  They're right; you're wrong.
• They’re instigators.  They pour gas on the fire, get other people to fight and they create “uproar.”  They’re splinters.
• They’re control-freaks and turf protectors.  They’re always right and righteous.
• They’re relentlessly negative, critical, naysayers who are impossible to please.  They complain until they get attention.
• They tease, taunt and use name calling put-downs.  They use people as emotional punching bags.
• They make nasty, ugly, vicious, snide jokes or cut you down, followed by “I was just kidding” or “You’re too sensitive” or “I didn’t mean anything bad” or “I was only having a little fun.”
• They mock with non-verbal, disrespectful “editorial” comments like eye rolling or snorting.
• They form school yard cliques to cut out their targets. They’re passive-aggressive.  They manipulate, triangulate, and stimulate unhappiness and drama.
• They spread rumors, gossip, innuendos and lies.
• They’re great debaters who never let you win.  They’re antagonistic, boundary pushers who do the minimum and undercut authority and systems.
• They always blame others.  Nothing is ever their fault.  They have endless excuses and justifications while showing little-no improvement.

Cyberbullies are hostile and personal.  They encourage or organize “mobs” to pile on.

“Professional Victims” – most people overlook this category.  Professional victims act fragile and have hurt feelings in order to gain power and control.  People walk on egg shells near them.  They’re hypersensitive, spoiled brats who cry and blame.  They’re hysterical Drama Queens-Kings.  They make a big deal over things you think aren’t worth fighting about.  They use shame, guilt and anger.

Self-bullies beat themselves up all the time.  They feel unworthy and have low self-esteem.  They wallow in self-questioning and self-doubt, and stay stuck and insecure.  They’re easily manipulated by overt and, especially, by covert bullies.  They’re the hardest people to help.

Please watch the following YouTube videos:

• Five Types of Bullies
• Types of Bullies - General

Knowledge is power.  Learn to recognize all types and styles of bullying so you can protect and defend yourself and your children.

Protect your personal environment from pollution.  Get bullies out of your personal space.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop sneaky workplace bullies

Learn how to recognize and stop covert, sneaky bullies and narcissistic control freaks in the workplace. Overt bullies – whether they’re bosses, coworkers or supervisees – are easy to recognize; they’re loud, obnoxious, threatening and in your face.

Sneaky, stealthy bullies are harder to recognize.  If we don’t recognize their tactics and label them, we can’t energize ourselves to develop and carry out an effective plan to stop them.

Seven warning signs of sneaky, passive-aggressive bullies are:

1. They want to control all the turf. They form hidden, unofficial power centers on their teams.  They want you to ask their permission before you do anything.  In subtle, manipulative, bullying ways they’ll harass and abuse you until you walk on egg-shells around them.  Sometimes they gain power and control by being nasty and vicious behind your back.  Sometimes they gain control by being hypersensitive, so you’re afraid to hurt their feelings and set them off.  I call these hypersensitive ones, “professional victims.”
2. Sneaky bullies think they know best about everything; just ask them. They make your life miserable if you don’t do what they want.  With a seemingly friendly smile, they point out your mistakes and failings.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom; eventually you give in to them.
3. They know they’re more important than you are. They think your whole life should be devoted to their emotional needs, wants and whims.  Their desires, jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions.  They think they’re entitled to get what they want.  Their feelings are their justifications for their anger, retaliation and revenge.  They’ll fight to the death over things you think are trivial.  They never really apologize or compromise, even if they say the words.  You may think that by giving in one time, they’ll give in the next time.  But they never give in.  They push each new boundary endlessly.
4. They think their sense of humor is correct. They think they can say whatever they want and you’re supposed to take it.  They use you as an emotional punching bag.  They make nasty, vicious, demeaning, hurtful remarks to you and cut you down in public, or they tell your embarrassing secrets.  Then they laugh like it’s a joke.  They don’t care about your pain or wishes.  If you object, they say you’re too sensitive or they were kidding.  They think your feelings are stupid and not logical.  And you better not say anything they don’t like.  They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They insist on doing things their way.
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game. You have value only as long as you can help them or you worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant and demanding; they think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in their way becomes an enemy.  They form cliques and mobs who support them or who do their dirty work.  Sometimes they are entrenched in the workplace – they have friends in high places.  You’re afraid that if you disagree, they’ll strike back at you.
6. They think their excuses, excuse them. They’re sure their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  They think that if you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Self-deluded narcissists think their jealousy, anger and hatred, their manipulation and back-stabbing are not bad characteristics.
7. They think their logic, reasoning and rules, rule. They think they’re entitled to do anything they want – to take what they want, to ridicule and attack you or to strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  They think that if your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem.  They know they’re right and they’re righteous.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that eventually you give in.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that the narcissistic control-freak might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.

Don’t debate or argue with them.  Find someone high up on the totem pole to help you.  Make a business case for how damaging their tactics are.  Get allies who also want to stop them.  Shine a light on their tactics and their cliques.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop Sneaky Bullies' Agenda Control

In his article in the New York Times, Erik Eckholm, points out that, “Alarmed by evidence that gay and lesbian students are common victims of schoolyard bullies, many school districts are bolstering their antiharassment rules with early lessons in tolerance.” The article continues, “Rick DeMato, pastor of Liberty Baptist Church, [who] opposes the curriculum changes in the school district in Helena, Mont. [has led] angry parents and religious critics…[to] charge that liberals and gay rights groups are using the antibullying banner to pursue a hidden ‘homosexual agenda,’ implicitly endorsing, for example, same sex marriage.”

What does this have to do with the devious tactics of sneaky, stealth bullies?

Stealth bullies win when they can change the subject to fit their agendas; when they can distract you from your subject and make the focus of discussion be something they want to discuss and over which they think they can win.

For example, suppose you complain about your date or spouse’s public or private sarcasm, put-downs and nasty, mocking humor.  If he’s a stealthy, manipulative bully, he might change the subject by saying that you’re hypersensitive and you over-react, or that you hurt his feelings by complaining.  If he can get you to focus on whether you’re hypersensitive or have no sense of humor or on making him feel better, then he wins and you lose.  You’ll never get him to stop making those remarks.

Or suppose you’re angry that he hit you.  If he’s a stealthy predator, he might complain that you didn’t communicate that in a supportive way or that you over-reacted or that you started it and you provoked him or that he felt put-down by your anger, which reminded him of his childhood.  And that’s the only thing he wants to talk about.  If he can get you to focus on your poor communication or his hurt feelings and past trauma, he wins and you lose.  He’ll never have to talk about your pain when he hit you and, since he has a good excuse for hitting you (his past trauma), he doesn’t have to change.

Notice the general rule: whoever controls the focus of the discussion will win.  Teenagers are also adept at doing this to their parents.

Therefore, you must take charge of the agenda.  Make him focus first on his sarcastic put-downs or on his hitting you.  And you have to be satisfied by the result before you’ll discuss his agenda.  If he doesn’t satisfy you, don’t go on to his agenda.  Go as far away as you can.

What does this have to do with the anti-bullying policies and programs we started with?

The initial agenda in those schools is stopping harassment, bullying and abuse of kids or adults.  The reason given by the bullies to justify their verbal, emotional and physical attacks was that their targets were gay or lesbian.  I pay more attention to the actions than to the excuses and justifications.  The agenda is stopping the bullying and violence.  The agenda is stopping the negativity, pain, anxiety and depression bullying causes.  The agenda is stopping the targets’ loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and the increasing number of bullying-caused suicides.

Some people want to make the agenda be a torturous and emotionally-charged discussion of whether schools can be allowed to promote a pro-gay and pro-lesbian agenda.  And whether parents or educators control what’s taught in schools.

If those stealthy bullies can get you into those discussions, you’ll never stop school bullying.  They won’t have to stop their children from bullying and abusing other kids.  They feel that bullying and violence should be condoned or at least tolerated because the bullies have good reasons to torment their targets.  Since, they think, being gay or lesbian is a sin, if one of the targets becomes a victim and commits suicide, the world is a better place.

So keep the focus where it should be: anti-bullying programs that stop bullies.  When I’m called in to help schools develop effective programs, I always challenge dissenters to come up with a better program to stop bullies before we talk about areas that would distract us from the main agenda.

And in your personal and work life, take charge of the agenda and keep the focus on the subject that matters; stopping bullies in their tracks – whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.

Stop Emotional Bullies: Drama Queens

Some bullies use their strong emotions to become the center of attention, take control and coerce or manipulate other people to give in and do what the emotional bully wants. Children throwing fits are practicing and learning if that tactic works.  Adult masters of emotional bullying are effective with spouses, partners, friends, extended families and at work.  Some bullies are especially effective in places where other people’s politeness keeps them from stopping the bullying – like at parent groups, reading clubs and parent-teacher meetings.

These “Drama Queens” and their male counterparts have strong emotions and over-the-top reactions.  They come in many forms.

For example:

• No matter how trivial the problem at school, Claire’s daughter was never at fault.  If Claire’s child didn’t get the special treatment she wanted, or if her child was marked down for not completing an assignment or for misbehaving, or if her child wasn’t the first or the most successful, Claire threw a fit.  In public, she yelled at other children or at teachers and the principal.  She threatened law suits.  Pretty soon, teachers allowed her spoiled, bratty child to bully other children.
• James had three young children, but he was always the center of attention.  If he didn’t get waited on instantly or was asked to do something that interfered with his personal plans or comfort, his constant irritation blew up into outrage and anger.  He yelled at his wife and the kids.  He blamed them for disturbing him and punished them in nasty ways for days.  Usually he was allowed to do anything he wanted and was rarely asked to help.  His wife said, behind his back, that it was like having a giant kid in the house.
• In the workplace, Tracy ranted in her office, but never followed through with her threats or promises.  She moved on to turn the next problem she saw into a catastrophe.  But once she’d blown up at you, no amount of good performance would get you out off her “bad” list.  She’d sabotage you without telling you why.  Pretty soon, everyone did exactly what she wanted.  They didn’t want scenes and they didn’t want Tracy to stab them in the back.
• Charlie was a lousy friend, but everyone was afraid to tell him.  He was always late, took up the whole time talking about himself and needed everyone to help him do what he said he “needed” to do.  He borrowed but never returned, he never had money to cover his share of activities and all the fun had to wait until he arrived.  If anyone wouldn’t wait or tried to stop his narcissistic speeches or wouldn’t give him what he wanted, his feelings were hurt.  He was crushed, incensed and ranted for hours; he never let go of a perceived slight.  Of course, it was just easier to give and go along rather than to offend him.

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Unless we stop them, we end up walking on egg shells and deferring to them.  Their likes and dislikes rule.  Pretty soon they’re in charge.

Drama Queens increase everyone’s anxiety, stress and depression.  Most people mistakenly accept the blame for triggering the Drama Queen.  They also create chaos.  Their hyperactive, panicky, adrenaline-rush is addictive and contagious.  Soon, everyone is on edge and ready to blow up at the slightest provocation.

Logic and kindness won’t change them.  And you won’t cure them.  Their tactics have made them successful since childhood.  Only a devastating comeuppance or years of intensive therapy or coaching have a chance of changing that style.

When possible, vote Drama Queens off your island.  You’ll need carefully planned tactics if they’re in your extended family or live on your block and their kids are friends with yours.  At work, try to document activities that destroy teamwork or are clearly illegal.  You won’t get anywhere if you want the big bosses to act because the Drama Queen hurt your feelings.

If the Drama Queen or King is your spouse, I’m sorry.  You’ll have to demand behavioral change while you prepare to move on.  Usually, they won’t grow up and learn a new style unless they have to.  They’d even rather get a divorce and blame you than change their style.  Drama Queens are addicted to their habit – knowing that they’re the center of the universe – and need repeated fixes.

Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace

Bullies at work can ruin a culture, destroy productivity and make your life miserable.  Many people focus only on bullying bosses, but I’ve seen just as many coworkers and employees use these bullying methods as I have managers and supervisors.  Before you read the top ten I’ve seen, please think for a moment.  What bullying methods used by whom, have you seen most? Have you seen these techniques ruining your workplace?

1. Yelling, physical threats (overt or subtle) and personal attacks.
2. Verbal abuse, emotional intimidation, personal insults and attacks (in private and in public).  Put-downs and humiliating, demeaning, rude, cruel, insulting, mocking and embarrassing comments.  False accusations (especially outrageous), character assassination.
3. Harassing based on race, religion, gender and physical attributes.  Sexual contact, lewd suggestions, name-calling, teasing and personal jokes (sometimes overtly nasty, or threatening or sometimes given with laughter as in, “I was just kidding” in order to make it hard for you to fight back.
4. Backstabbing, spreading rumors and gossip, manipulating, lying, distorting, evading, hypocrisy and exposing your problems and mistakes.
5. Taking the credit; spreading the blame.  Withholding information and then cutting you down for not knowing or for failing.
6. Anonymous attacks and cyber-bullying – flaming e-mails and porn.  Invading your personal space and privacy – rummaging through your desk, listening to phone calls, asking extremely personal questions, eating your food.
7. Hypersensitive, over-reactions, throwing tantrums (drama queens) – so you walk on egg shells, back off in order to avoid a scene, or beg forgiveness as if you really did something wrong.
8. Dishonest evaluations – praising and promoting favorites, giving slackers good evaluations and destroying careers of people the bully doesn’t like.
9. Demeaning at meetings – interrupting, ignoring, laughing, non-verbal comments behind your back (rude noises, body language, facial gestures, answering phone, working on computer).
10. Forming cliques and ganging up.  Turf wars about budgets, hiring, copiers and coffee machines.

Most bullies use combinations of these methods.

We’ve all seen the effects of bullies and the hostile workplace they create.  There’s increased hostility, tension, selfishness, turf wars, sick leave, stress related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.  People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes.  Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.

Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks are decreased.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

The wrong people or the wrong culture can always find ways to destroy the best operational systems. Your pipeline will leak money and your profits will plummet.

I’ll go into solutions in future posts, but I want to mention one frequently used tactic that does not work to stop dedicated bullies.  It’s based on the false assumption that if we – educate, explain, understand, reason, show the consequences, accept, forgive or make enough attempts to satisfy bullies – then they will become reasonable, civil, professional, friendly and good to work with.  That approach only stops people who are not really bullies, but have forgotten themselves one time and behaved badly.

Determined bullies don’t take your acquiescence as kindness.  They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to grab for more.  Bullies bully repeatedly and without real remorse.  You won’t get a sincere apology from them.  A sincere apology doesn’t mean anything about how they look.  It means that they change and stop bullying.

I’d like to hear your horror or success stories.