Stop Bullies Who Know-It-All about Cancer

Our beloved four-year-old granddaughter has cancer. She finished surgery and is in radiation-chemotherapy mode.  They say there’s a good chance she’ll live long and prosper.  We grasp that life preserver and try not to cry all the time while we go about fulfilling other responsibilities. Thank you for that gasp and intake of breath.

All the staff at Children’s Hospital were wonderful.  All the families we met there were also kind, considerate, caring and thoughtful.  Disease and death are great levelers – we’re all there because were attached to a kid in trouble.

Almost all our family and friends are also wonderful.  We show up with food, holiday presents for all the kids, baby sitting, prayers, gasps, tears and arms-around sharing of pain and hope.

And then there are the very few know-it-all bullies and the vicious self-bullying that I want to talk about.

A few of the bullying categories are:

1. The religious missionaries. Their theme was that this happened to us because we didn’t belong to the right church or pray to the right God.  Or we carried some hidden sin that we’re being punished for or past-life karma is finally being manifest or bad genes are carried in the family.  And our granddaughter will be saved only if we convert to their correct way.
2. The health missionaries. Their theme is exactly the same in form, but different in content, as the religious missionaries.  This happened because we weren’t pure enough – bad water, not completely organic produce, not pure enough vegetarian or vegan, not enough cleansing of toxins, not pure enough affirmations or thought.  We all know there are some cancers and diseases that are made worse by bad living – smoking, drugs, alcohol, living next door to a leaky nuclear plant – but this is not one of those cases.
3. The political missionaries. Their theme is that the cause of her cancer is global, warming or cooling or environmental pollution, acid rain, fluoride in the water, America as a greedy, decadent, selfish, bad country.
4. The narcissistic, demanding, pushy, abusive, advice-giving missionaries. They give advice as if they know the absolute truth and no one else does.  They’re self-appointed critics who know what we should have done and what treatment we should select.  Often, they once knew someone who had a different cancer but they can predict, on the basis of their wisdom, what will happen in our granddaughter’s case.  They’re righteous in working out their issues and therapy on our bodies.  As if they’re important, not our granddaughter.  Or they’re intrusive strangers focused on their issues, causes and cures.  They think their feelings are important and we must do what they want or else their feelings will be hurt.  They’re throwing more temper tantrums than a four year-old.  As if I should care about their feelings during this time.
5. The emotionless professional bullies. They think emotion is a sign of weakness and maybe they’re upset by public displays.  Especially at work, they’ll look down on you if you cry or they’ll find a reason to get you transferred or fired.  They think robots are better than people.

All these missionaries sound alike, except the fault they focus on is a little different.  Whether their God is out there or their God is in their logic and reasoning, they’re convinced they’re right and they’re fervent and righteous about it.  Because they’re right and righteous, they think they can ignore or trample your feelings.  They think they know what’s best.

Of course, I can see that all these people have reasons, excuses, justifications – they want to help, they’re scared, in our diverse society they don’t know what’s proper, they’re simply awkward in how they try to comfort us, etc.

I don’t care about their problems and issues.  They’re adults.  They should have already learned to be gracious.  I care more about the family  going through it.

Never argue with missionaries and self-appointed critics.  It’s a waste of your time and energy.  You’ll never change their minds. They’re only trying to convert you –they know what’s right.

Some of us might say, “Stop it!” or “C’mon man!” Others will try to teach politely and graciously.  Still others will never talk to them again.

In all cases, we’re not waiting for them to become enlightened and nice.  We’re weeding through all these people and deciding who we’ll keep on our Isle of Song and who’ll be voted off or who must be kept for a while because they’re our workplace bosses.

And, of course, self-bullying kicks in.  It’s all too easy to feel blame, shame and guilt.

1. Should we have observed something wrong sooner?  Could we have been more perfect?  What bad parents they were.  What bad grandparents we are.  It’s our fault.
2. We should have cared more and been more careful.
3. Do we carry a bad genetic seed?
4. What if we’re wrong about the treatment we choose?  We can’t be sure.

None of this is useful.  Sure, there will be genetic testing, but all the rest of those thoughts are simply us making ourselves ride an emotional roller coaster; sometimes at the heights, sometimes in the pits, always being flung around and bruised.  Obsession, self-flagellation, negativity, depression, and loss of confidence and self-esteem don’t help.

What really matters is carrying on the best we can.  And ignoring the bullies or throwing them off our Isle.

You’ll find many examples of these types of bullies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Stop bullying cliques at work

In the last post, we analyzed the tactics bullying cliques typically use and 10 common reasons why people form or join hostile, predatory cliques at work. Both men and women form and join cliques, even through their tactics are often different.  These predators verbally, sexually and physically harass and abuse both men and women.  They sabotage performance.  Don’t be surprised to learn that women prey on other women in the office – you’ve seen the evidence through elementary school, junior high school and high school.

What can you do if:

• You have a pattern of being bullied all your life?
• You’re a target?
• You have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked?
• You’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim?

Bullying, cutting-out and creating and attacking scapegoats comes from a deep place within us and is found in almost all cultures, places and times.

Sometimes you can see that the person on the receiving end has done many things to offend almost everyone else.  But let’s put that situation aside for this post and focus on all the rest of the times when the person being cut out or attacked has been okay and the problem is the group that attacks their scapegoat.

If you’ve been bullied all your life, you have a problem that you’ll have to solve before you can deal effectively with a bullying clique.  Even if you haven’t done anything wrong to the pack of predators, you’re wearing a neon sign: "Kick me."  Lions, wild dogs and sharks can see who the weak and vulnerable ones are.  Bullies can too.  You’ll have to change your attitudes and beliefs so you’ll have a different sign: "Don’t mess with me!"  Let’s also leave this situation for another post.

Many people hope to stop cliques of bullies by analyzing why they do it and then using their understanding to design solutions.  Don’t waste your time.  You know why some people find others to pick on.  That catalogue of reasons is enough.

Management training rarely works.  Textbook and educational approaches – we’ll talk and I’ll show them why it’s wrong and they’ll see the error of their ways and become caring – rarely work.  They won’t stop bad behavior that’s driven by underlying emotions.

Predatory behavior by packs isn’t driven by intellectual reasons, it’s driven by emotions.  Of course the perpetrators can find reasons to justify their behavior, but they don’t do the behavior because of the reasons.  They do the behavior because of their own emotional needs and then they try to cover up the ugliness with a pretty picture of justifications.

Ignoring the problem or begging, bribery and appeasement simply reinforce low attitudes and behavior at all levels.  A major part of the problem are conflict-avoidant leaders, managers and co-workers who think that if we all talk nicely to each other or try to make bullies happy, they’ll stop bullying cliques.

Some real-world, stepwise approaches are:

• Make efforts to be friendly in practical ways, in order to give them a chance to change – without doing anything immoral, illegal or odious.  Bring pizza and donuts.  Cover for them when they need help.  Socialize with coworkers.
• If they continue targeting you (which they usually will), get help to develop tactics to isolate the ringleaders or get them fired.  The key goals are: separation and isolation.  Terminated is better than transferred, because transferred means that you’ve helped them create another bully-scapegoat situation.  How nice is that?
• Get firmer and firmer.  Don’t threaten or share your tactics with them.  Get an attorney to advise you about local laws.  Get allies – HR and managers rarely want to be involved, but give them one chance.  Document, document, document.
• If you have a chance to join such a pack of jackals and are afraid to refuse because you might get attacked, you have an integrity choice to make.  Do you want to live in fear or do you want to win a workplace war?
• If you’re a bystander and your heart goes out to a victim, you have another integrity choice to make.  Often, if you help a victim, the victim won’t help in return.  Be prepared to act alone, if necessary.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

The strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same – whether they’re men or woman.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.