Don't let time-wasters impose on you

Are you effective at saying “no” to colleagues who waste your time?  If you answered “no,” you’re not alone. To read the rest of this article from the Dallas Business Journal, see: Don’t let time-wasters impose on you http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/stories/2005/07/18/smallb3.html

We’ve all experienced time-wasters – people who regularly interrupt, gossip, tell bad jokes, share intimate details about their marriages or aches and pains, or go on endlessly about religion, politics or people they’re angry with.

Sometimes, they’re friendly, likeable people and we’re drawn in by their personalities and stories.  Sometimes they’re needy, malicious, annoying people who leave us feeling like we’re buried in dirty laundry, or limp, like our blood has been drained, or so frustrated we could scream.

Whether they waste our time because they’re friendly, bored, lazy, enjoy gossiping, need to tell their sad story, want to be liked or have hidden agendas, they’re oblivious to our need to get back to work.

There are two distinct steps we need to take in order to break free from time-wasters:

• Give ourselves permission to say "No."
• Then make our “no” effective.

The first step is harder than it seems for many people.  These people hold themselves captive to this bullying and abuse because they think the most important value is being nice, kind and not asking directly for what they want.  They let themselves get bullied because they’re too polite to resist.

Other feelings and reasons that typically keep people from setting boundaries effectively are: see whole article.

Time-wasters who ignore standard, indirect cues are rude.  We have to decide what’s more important; old rules about pleasing people or our need to succeed.

We’re not their therapists.  We’ve already tried to solve their problems and failed.  They’ve said, “Yes, but” to every suggestion.  We’ve also tried to like them enough so they won’t feel needy, but they’re always back the next day looking for more.

The second step to saying no effectively is to follow up with effective action.  Asking is not enough because, by definition, relentless time-wasters don’t respond to common, subtle cues.

Imagine a staircase of responses, moving up from the most indirect to more direct, firm ones.  Most people begin by giving indirect cues like ignoring time-wasters when they first come in, looking at their watches, turning away and continuing a task while they’re being talked at.

Since that hasn’t worked, we have to look and sound firmer as time-wasters force us to up the level of our response in order to get them to leave.  Start with a smile, control our side of the interaction and act as consistently as we can.  For more suggestions: see whole article.

A coaching client had been afraid that Mike would tell everyone that she was callous and hostile if she tried to stop allowing him to waste her time.  But when she used the methods we developed, people heard that she was able to get Mike out of her office.  They came to learn her methods.  Soon everyone in their corridor succeeded and Mike had to go to other floors to find listeners.

The exact words don’t matter.  The key is the power of “you” behind the words – our determination and firmness.  Don’t wait until we have a perfect response; simply remove time-wasters.  Actions speak louder than words.

How we cope with time-wasting bullies depends on whether we’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor.  There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Will Being "Nasty" Stop Our Bullying Teenagers?

Single mom Joan didn’t know what to do.  Her teenage daughter, Mindy, was often so nasty to her that Joan would shake with rage, and cry with pain and frustration. Sometimes, Mindy would call Joan names, tell her how much she hated her, tell her that she was ruining her life, tell her to get out of her room and leave her alone, and demand that she never ask about school.  Even when Joan cooked Mindy’s favorite meals, Mindy would grab and gulp, and never say “Please” or “Thank you.”  Over the phone, Mindy would vent and yell at her mother.

Joan admitted that Mindy had always been that way and she’d always let her get away with it.  Sometimes Mindy was sweet, but then, for no apparent reason, she’d blow up and verbally attack her mother.

Joan could never bring herself to do anything “nasty” to her daughter no matter how negative she was.

What could Joan do to stop her daughter’s bullying?

First, we established that there was nothing really wrong or crazy about Mindy.  She had good self-control with everyone else and was always polite.  Next, we established that Joan wasn’t doing anything bad to Mindy.  Joan was simply Mindy’s punching bag.

Joan had told Mindy how much her behavior hurt. Joan had tried to bribe Mindy and she pleaded with her daughter to stop, but she never took effective action.  She never punished her or imposed serious consequences.  Joan might threaten, but then she’d always relent.  Mindy might apologize, but then she’d soon repeat her behavior.  Joan thought she might be letting Mindy get away with being abusive because she felt guilty that Mindy didn’t have a father.

Joan’s reasons for letting Mindy bully her were typical. Joan:

• Wanted her daughter to love her and be a best friend.  She wanted Mindy to approve of her.
• Didn’t want to hurt Mindy’s feelings.  Also, she was afraid that Mindy would be pushed over some edge into depression and suicide if she didn’t have Joan’s unconditional love.
• Was afraid that if she punished Mindy, her daughter wouldn’t like her or trust her or open up to her.  She believed that her love for her daughter was more important that any behavioral standards.
• Believed that if she could understand Mindy’s reasons completely, she could say something to change Mindy’s attitude toward her.
• Didn’t believe nastiness ever worked.  And she considered “nasty” as anything that wasn’t kind, sweet or forgiving, or that Mindy didn’t like.
• Didn’t want to stoop to Mindy’s level.  She believed that if she was kind enough, eventually Mindy would see the light and change.  She believed in the Golden Rule.

When Mindy went to college, Joan thought her daughter’s behavior would finally change.  But she was wrong.  On the phone, Mindy berated Joan even more.  When Mindy came home for Thanksgiving, she treated her mother even worse.  When Joan suggested that Mindy seek help just in case Mindy was feeling more pressure and stress, and taking it out on her mother, Mindy exploded.

By the time we talked before Mindy’s Christmas break, Joan was desperate.  She felt beaten beyond endurance and she didn’t think she could take much more.  She realized that her own daughter was toxic to her.

By then, Joan was willing to try a new approach:

• Open a previously unassailable belief system to new data. Joan removed her old definition of “nasty” and replaced it with one that labeled her as being nasty to herself and to the person she hoped Mindy would become, if she continued to let Mindy act nasty to her.
• Describe the new tactics. Joan would demand the “magic words” again, just like we do when little kids ask for anything.  Mindy would have to say, “Please,” and “Thank you” or she wouldn’t get anything.  Demanding and bullying would no longer be rewarded.
• Demand high standards of behavior from everyone, especially, from our beloved children. Joan would not let her daughter harass, bully or abuse her; that behavior was no longer acceptable. She wanted Mindy to learn that we must treat best, the people we’re closest to and depend on most.
• Don’t debate, argue or try to reason extensively about what’s fair or right. She’d simply state how she saw it, what she’d do and then do it cheerfully.
• Have effective consequences for nasty behavior. Joan would let Mindy show her what consequences were enough, by how much it took for Mindy to change.  The first time Mindy yelled at her over the phone, Joan calmly said, I won’t allow anyone to talk to me that way,” and she hung up.  Despite her fears, she didn’t call back.  Mindy called a few hours later and said, “Don’t you love me?”  Then she started yelling at Joan for not calling back.  Joan said, “I love you so much, I won’t let you talk to me like that.”  And she calmly hung up again.
• Be sweet, firm and cheerful as we apply consequences.
• Read “cue cards.” Stay firm and calm by pulling out cue cards we’ve prepared and simply read them as we apply consequences.
• “If you want something from me, make it enjoyable for me.” When Mindy was nasty, demanding her mother take her to the mall, Joan said, “I won’t be bullied, but I might drive you if you make me like going with you.”  Mindy said, “I won’t suck up to you.”  Joan sweetly responded, “Then I won’t take you,” and she turned cheerfully and left the room.
• Be open to bribery. When Mindy was nasty at Christmas, Joan read a cue card she’d made, “Be nice to me, you may want something from me, like a Christmas present.”  Mindy said, “That’s bribery!”  Joan sweetly replied, “Yes.  I’m glad you understand.  I work hard for my money and I spend it only on people who are nice to me.”
• Have them act like a guest in our home. Before spring break, Joan told Mindy that she’d packed up all of Mindy’s things into boxes she put in the garage.  She was converting Mindy’s room into a guest bedroom.  Mindy was welcome to come back as long as she behaved like a nice guest in Joan’s home.  Mindy was furious and began to yell, but Joan hung up.  Mindy later called back and said she’d act like a guest.  Joan was delighted and cheerfully said, “I’m so happy.  I hoped you would.  That’s the kind of relationship I want to have with you.  But you should also have a back-up plan just in case you forget, because I’ll only allow good guests to stay.  Three weeks is a long time and you may forget what the standards are and need to have somewhere else to go.”

Pushing the boundaries.

• Joan expected Mindy to resist because Mindy had always been able to beat her mother into submission.  She’d still think she could do the same.
• Joan was prepared and steadfast; she expected Mindy to be nice for a while, then to push the boundaries again.  She was right.  But this time, when Mindy pushed back a little, Joan immediately and sweetly imposed a consequence.

By the next summer, Mindy was treating Joan well.  She was polite, civil and sweet.  Joan was glad to have Mindy stay as a guest that summer, as long as Mindy had a job.  Joan didn’t collect any money, but she knew that if Mindy got lonely and bored, she’d probably slide back to her old, nasty habits.

When should we start requiring good behavior? How about, as soon as we can?  Of course we respond kindly to angry babies.  Of course, the process of teaching them new ways of getting what they want is initially very slow and speeds up the older they get.  So it’s really our good sense and close observation of each individual child’s growth and development that must guide us.

But the goal is always clear.  “We ask for what we want.  But we’ll get what we’re willing to put up with.”

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.