Don't let time-wasters impose on you

Are you effective at saying “no” to colleagues who waste your time?  If you answered “no,” you’re not alone. To read the rest of this article from the Dallas Business Journal, see: Don’t let time-wasters impose on you http://www.bizjournals.com/dallas/stories/2005/07/18/smallb3.html

We’ve all experienced time-wasters – people who regularly interrupt, gossip, tell bad jokes, share intimate details about their marriages or aches and pains, or go on endlessly about religion, politics or people they’re angry with.

Sometimes, they’re friendly, likeable people and we’re drawn in by their personalities and stories.  Sometimes they’re needy, malicious, annoying people who leave us feeling like we’re buried in dirty laundry, or limp, like our blood has been drained, or so frustrated we could scream.

Whether they waste our time because they’re friendly, bored, lazy, enjoy gossiping, need to tell their sad story, want to be liked or have hidden agendas, they’re oblivious to our need to get back to work.

There are two distinct steps we need to take in order to break free from time-wasters:

• Give ourselves permission to say "No."
• Then make our “no” effective.

The first step is harder than it seems for many people.  These people hold themselves captive to this bullying and abuse because they think the most important value is being nice, kind and not asking directly for what they want.  They let themselves get bullied because they’re too polite to resist.

Other feelings and reasons that typically keep people from setting boundaries effectively are: see whole article.

Time-wasters who ignore standard, indirect cues are rude.  We have to decide what’s more important; old rules about pleasing people or our need to succeed.

We’re not their therapists.  We’ve already tried to solve their problems and failed.  They’ve said, “Yes, but” to every suggestion.  We’ve also tried to like them enough so they won’t feel needy, but they’re always back the next day looking for more.

The second step to saying no effectively is to follow up with effective action.  Asking is not enough because, by definition, relentless time-wasters don’t respond to common, subtle cues.

Imagine a staircase of responses, moving up from the most indirect to more direct, firm ones.  Most people begin by giving indirect cues like ignoring time-wasters when they first come in, looking at their watches, turning away and continuing a task while they’re being talked at.

Since that hasn’t worked, we have to look and sound firmer as time-wasters force us to up the level of our response in order to get them to leave.  Start with a smile, control our side of the interaction and act as consistently as we can.  For more suggestions: see whole article.

A coaching client had been afraid that Mike would tell everyone that she was callous and hostile if she tried to stop allowing him to waste her time.  But when she used the methods we developed, people heard that she was able to get Mike out of her office.  They came to learn her methods.  Soon everyone in their corridor succeeded and Mike had to go to other floors to find listeners.

The exact words don’t matter.  The key is the power of “you” behind the words – our determination and firmness.  Don’t wait until we have a perfect response; simply remove time-wasters.  Actions speak louder than words.

How we cope with time-wasting bullies depends on whether we’re a peer, a supervisee or a supervisor.  There are no formulas, but there are guidelines.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

How to deal with antagonistic 'rule people' in the workplace

Company rules and employees who follow them are essential for the success of your business.  But antagonistic “rule-people” can reduce team effort and sabotage your operations. To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: How to deal with antagonistic ‘rule people’ in the workplace http://www.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2006/02/13/smallb6.html

Rule people aren’t necessarily malicious.  But their rigid inflexibility can cause as many problems as any troublemaker.  Rule-people:

1. See everything in black and white, need all procedures and boundaries clearly defined and labeled, with rewards and consequences spelled out exactly – no gray areas and no choices.  They need uniformity and repeatability, can’t handle ambiguity, uncertainty and what they perceive as mixed messages.
2. Insist on clear titles and privileges.  They want to know everyone’s exact job description, authority, responsibility and accountability.  They can’t handle matrix management – multiple reporting and task relationships.
3. Use authority and experts to back up their opinions.
4. Don’t like change unless they can see immediate and obvious advantages.
5. Need closure, want decisions made and set in stone, even if nothing has to be begun for years.
6. Compare themselves with everybody on every criterion.
7. Relate only through power dynamics – command, control and obeying orders. They’re bullies.  They don’t get things done through relationships or by simply pitching in.  They need to know where everyone stands.  They’re more comfortable knowing they’re on the bottom, than wondering where they are.

We all follow the rules sometimes, but “Edna” is a good example of an antagonistic rule-person. She uses the rules to intimidate people and advance herself at the expense of your supervisory authority and departmental productivity.  For example:

Other typical examples of rule-people in crucial roles are human resource and financial managers, and administrative assistants.

To work with an antagonistic, rule-person, you’ll have to:

• Be exacting and clear about rules, and demand what you need specifically in writing.
• Be prepared to be challenged if you treat the rule-person differently from anyone else.
• Include “professional, team behavior” rules – specific, detailed behaviors, not abstractions or attitudes – as important components in performance evaluations.
• Clearly label your actions; indirect cues, kindly suggestions, informal messages or casual conversations will not be counted as important.  You must say, “This is a verbal warning” or “This is a disciplinary action.”  Antagonistic, rule-people take any softening to mean that your feedback doesn’t have to be acted on.
• When they excuse their bad behavior with innocuous labels like, “It was a misunderstanding,” or “I’m just an honest person,” you must re-label it clearly as unprofessional.  For example: “Yelling or name calling is not a misunderstanding or honesty.  Neither is acceptable behavior at this organization, no matter how you feel.”
• Document everything.

Overly rigid rule-people who use the rules to serve their own selfish interests are problem employees.  They need to be dealt with promptly and decisively – or they will create big problems for you and your organization.

Generally, rule-people who want to help can become good managers and administrators, but they won’t be outstanding leaders.  They can oversee repeatable operations, but they won’t be able to act creatively and appropriately in the face of uncertainty, novel problems and risk.

Stop Bullying: Say Goodbye to Toxic Friends

Sarah has been best friends with Heather for years, but she’s finally realized how much Heather has taken over her life and poisoned it. Sarah feels like Heather has been a toxic polluter in her environment, but she’s afraid that if:

• She didn’t have Heather, she’d be all alone.
• She said goodbye to Heather, Heather would get angry and retaliate with their friends and to Sarah’s family.

What should Sarah do?

Heather has been a sounding board for all Sarah’s decisions.  Heather always knows what Sarah should do to straighten her life out.  Sarah never married because Heather found faults with every guy that Sarah was interested in. Sarah stopped dieting because Heather told her she’d look bad if she was thin.

Sarah doesn’t have much time for herself since she has to be on-call in case Heather needs her.  Heather often has urgent requests for Sarah to do her chores or to meet her.  Sarah’s afraid to disappoint Heather because Heather gets so hurt and makes Sarah pay.

Heather criticizes Sarah relentlessly, spreads lies, rumors and malicious gossip, and gets other people angry at her.  Heather is angry and demanding, and nothing Sarah does is ever right or good enough.  Sarah is always to blame.

Within their circle of friends, Heather always takes center stage and even steals Sarah’s ideas.  Heather doesn’t allow Sarah to be with the others unless Heather is there.  Heather says it wouldn’t be kind, respectful or loving for Sarah to do things behind her back.

Sarah feels like she’s spent her life trying to please Heather and apologize to her and take the blame for everything.  But no matter how nice, kind and loving Sarah’s been, Heather hasn’t given her credit or changed her opinion or behavior.

How do you know your friend is toxic? I’d rephrase that into, “How do you know your friend is not really a friend?”  There are two types of warning signs:

• Your inner warning signs – you feel criticized, used, abused, harassed, unsafe, taken advantage of.  Your kindness, consideration, compromise, appeasement, apologies and efforts to please them are not rewarded by them doing the same for you.  They’re always right; you’re never good enough.  You’re afraid of what they’ll do if you displease them.
• Their external behavior – Their timing, agenda, feelings, desires, needs and wants matter much more than yours do.  If you start talking about your interests or feelings, they’ll rapidly shift the subject to theirs.  They can change the plans or be late but you can’t.  They say nasty things behind your back and justify what they did because they’re sure they’re right.  They make the rules.  If they’re angry over the slightest thing, they can retaliate in what ever outrageous, over-the-top way they want.  Their reasons are right.  It’s your fault and you deserve what you get.  They’re nice to you when they want something, but as soon as they get it, they’re mean and nasty or they put you down because you didn’t do it good enough.  You apologize but they never do.  You have 100% of the responsibility to heal any misunderstandings.

Make a list of behaviors that friends do. When Sarah made the list, she saw that Heather didn’t do these actions.  Since Heather didn’t, then whatever she calls herself or however Sarah thought about her, she’s not really a true friend.  In order to summon the strength, dedication and courage needed to stop bullies, we must see clearly how things really are and also name them accurately.

Can you get them to see they’re toxic and what if they don’t get it? Whenever Sarah asked or begged Heather to stop, Heather’s response for saying and doing such hurtful things was, “’I’m right.  You’re not trying to repress me, are you?”  Heather never thought she was wrong.  She always felt justified and righteous.  Sarah has tried to forgive Heather and to love her unconditionally, but that hasn’t changed Heather’s behavior.  Sarah didn’t think she could ever get Heather to admit how toxic she was.  She knew how quick Heather was to defend herself.  Nevertheless, Sarah tried to explain once more, just to give Heather a chance.  When Sarah brought up the subject, Heather got enraged and attacked Sarah for being a false friend.

Can you say goodbye just because you want to or do you need to be able to prove to them that they’re toxic? You don’t need an outside expert or a survey in order to decide how toxic your friend is (say, on a scale of 1 to 10) in order to give yourself permission to say goodbye to a toxic friend. You don’t need them to agree that they’re toxic.  If your toxic friend doesn’t get it and change their behavior, you can act on your own – just because you want to.  It’s important for you to use your own power to keep your personal environment free from toxic polluters.  Just because you want to is more than enough reason to do what you want.  In order to stop bullying and abuse by toxic people you’ve known for a long time, simply say, “No, that’s enough.”

What can you do if your toxic friend threatens to ruin you? They might tell your secrets or cut you down to everyone you know, including your family.  Of course it can be difficult.  But if you don’t say goodbye now, you’ll just prolong your pain indefinitely, maybe for the rest of your life.

If you don’t resist, you’re training that toxic person to do worse to you whenever they want.  Narcissistic control freaks and boundary pushers are relentless predators.  The only way they’ll stop is when they’re stopped or removed from the environment.

A better question is, “What behavior do you want to allow on your Isle of Song?” Ignore toxic bullies’ reasons, excuses and justifications.  Actions count; not apologies.  It’s your Isle; protect your personal ecology.  Say “goodbye,” no matter who the perpetrator is.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying Queen Bees in Your Neighborhood

In summer the “Queen Bees” come out in force.  Every neighborhood has at least one. For example, Jill was jealous of Mary.  All the other women in the neighborhood liked Mary.  Her home was always open; she always had treats; her kids are fun and shared their toys and games.  The nicer Mary was, the more the other neighbors liked her, the more jealous Jill was.

Jill made excuses about what Mary had done that made her dislike Mary, but underneath it was simple envy that turned to hate.  In Jill’s mind there was room for only one queen bee in the hive.

Jill’s venom came out in sneaky, backstabbing tactics.

She tried turning the other moms against Mary.  She whispered in one person’s ear that Mary liked someone else better and had given that person better gifts or had brought better food to that person’s picnic.  In another ear she whispered some malicious and catty things that Mary had supposedly said.  In a third ear she whispered that Mary thought that the woman’s children were stupid and nasty.

To Mary, two-faced Jill was sweet and smiling.  She even told Mary some nasty things other people had supposedly said about her.

It took a while for Mary to realize that false rumors and malicious gossip about her were being circulated and even longer to recognize the source.  The neighborhood had been a friendly place in which all families got together, but it soon become a tense battleground in which previously friendly women become suspicious of each other.  Husbands were eventually drawn into the conflict.

Jill was in her element.  She knew how to drive wedges between people and also how to bring people together into a clique with her as the head.  She used Mary as the target and scapegoat for her clique.

At first Mary took it personally.  She assumed that she must have done something wrong to offend Jill.  Stress, anxiety, self-doubt and negative self-talk soon decreased her confidence and self-esteem.  She tried explaining her good motives in response to each charge that Jill leveled at her, but she could never satisfy Jill that she wanted to be friends.

It took Mary a while before she recognized in Jill’s actions the seven signs of stealth bullies.  She finally understood that Jill’s hidden agenda was not personal in the sense that as long as the other women liked Mary more, there was nothing Mary could do to placate or appease Jill.  No amount of begging, bribery or appeasement would stop Jill’s bullying; the Golden Rule wouldn’t stop Jill’s bullying.

Ruling the hive was Jill’s personal agenda and she wouldn’t let Mary remain in the way.

Eventually, Mary went outside her comfort zone.  She stopped being reluctant about creating tension or conflict or making a scene in public.  She decided to shine a light on Jill’s gossip, innuendo and lies.  One at a time, starting with her closest friends who were aware of Jill’s tactics, Mary clarified the situation and repeated what Jill had been saying about them.  Then she got them together so they could compare notes.

She then spoke one to one with every other woman in the neighborhood.

But that wasn’t enough.  When she caught Jill in blatant lies, she made them public at neighborhood gatherings.  Mary was always sweet and smiling when she asked Jill to clarify what she had said about one of the other women or about their children.

Jill was surprised and unprepared.  She’d always been able to hide in the shadows because women where she had lived previously had been too polite to create conflict and tension in public.  Once Mary begun shining a light on Jill’s actions, other women began noticing what Jill had done to them.  They noticed how afraid they’d begun to feel about offending Jill and started figuring out why that had happened.

At first, the neighborhood split into camps.  Over time more and more women moved into renewed friendship with Mary.  They found that they couldn’t stay in the middle.  Jill always trapped them into some shabby, hostile plot.  Jill’s camp grew smaller and smaller.  Mary’s good character and friendliness won out.  Jill’s controlling, sneaky tactics become more apparent.

That was last summer.  By Christmas, the balance had swung in Mary’s favor.  Jill and her family moved away.

Leading up to this summer, the women are planning more family activities.  Tension has decreased, but it will take the rest of the summer before the camaraderie gets close to what they had before Jill moved in.  Maybe one more family will still move.

Stealth bullies like Jill can be difficult to detect and even harder to stop.  Most of their targets have to go through a self-bullying, self-questioning phase before they realize that they’re not at fault, that they didn’t do anything wrong to start the abuse.

Expert coaching is usually required for people to regain their strength, determination and courage, and to overcome their old hesitations in order to create an effective plan to stop the bullying.

Facebook Cyber Bullying Lawsuit Versus New York Teenager

As reported by Reid Epstein in Newsday, New York teenager, Denise Finkel has sued Facebook for $3 million because, she claims, it carried a fictitious Facebook chat group to bully, ostracize, ridicule, abuse and disgrace her.  The lawsuit states that former high school classmates, Michael Dauber, Jeffrey Schwartz, Leah Herz, and Melinda Danowitz created the chat room in which they falsely claimed that she had “inappropriate conduct with animals,” and had AIDS, as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. I want to focus on two related areas that I think are more important in the long run.

Of course there will be a lot of furor over whether any or all of the accused four did it and whether Facebook is liable for content that’s not obviously pornographic.  Did Finkel complain to Facebook and did Facebook turn a deaf ear to Finkel’s complaints?  And are the four people guilty as accused?

The first area that I think is more important in the long run is the ongoing effort to make new laws in response to new crimes, especially using new technology.  The natural way that we make new laws begins when some people commit acts not specifically covered under the old laws that have terrible consequences.  We respond by specifically labeling those new actions as crimes, and attach what we feel are appropriate criminal penalties.  Then we see, by trial-and-error, where to draw better lines.  The legal system is inevitably slow, inefficient and never perfect.

Given the increasing number of lives ruined by cyber bullying, emotional harassment and abuse, especially in schools, and the number of suicides stimulated by cyber bullying, I think that our society will make laws specifically stating that false and malicious statements and postings, in addition to pornography, are illegal.  I don’t think we’ll hold carriers like Facebook, MySpace, etc. liable for their postings.  But I think we’ll hold them liable for ignoring complaints about specific chat groups and postings that they continue to carry.

Many states and school districts, including Kansas, Oregon and California are considering such laws to protect children and teenagers from cyber bullying.

One stumbling block in making such laws is where to draw the lines and the hidden assumption that cyberbullying laws can and should be made “just right” for all situations – never too lax, never too harsh.  But the letter of the laws can never cover all situations with “just right” justice.  We always depend on human wisdom in the law’s application to specific situations.  That’s just the way it is – for better or for worse.

And I think that in this area, safety should triumph over cyber freedom.

The second area that I think is more important in the long run is parenting for the specific situations involving our kids and teenagers.  Our job is to monitor our children:

1. Do they look like they’re having a hard time (maybe being attacked by cyberbullies)?  How can we help them stop bullying on their own or do we need to intervene?
2. Are they witnessing cyber bullying and are they struggling to know whether or how to intervene?
3. Are they cyber bullies?  How do we stop them and help them develop the character to make amends and do better next time?
4. Should they even be on MySpace or Facebook or any social networking sites?  What else would be a better use of their time and energy?

And of course there are no easy answers.  No one is really dumb enough to think there are easy solutions.

There are no safe environments.  Schools and the real world have never been safe.  Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.  Imagine growing up on a farm, in a wilderness village or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

Our job as parents is to teach our children the skills and grit to survive in whichever jungle or battleground they live, and to protect them when they’re over-matched.

For practical, real-world tactics designed to stop school bullies and bullying, please see “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Individualized coaching can design action plans to fit your specific situation.  Also, the strong and clear voice of an outside speaker can empower principals, teachers and other students to stop bullying and abuse.

No easy answer for protecting kids online

A new pseudo-scientific and misleading study has been reported on by the Wall Street Journal, “No Easy Answer for Protecting Kids Online” and the New York Times, “Report Calls Online Threats to Children Overblown.” I’m sorry the headlines on this article allow people to draw the wrong conclusions, like “Threats exaggerated.”  It’s a mistake to base decisions on comparisons stating that cyberbullying isn’t much worse than other bullying.  A study that concludes that there’s no easy solution is a waste of time and money.

Of course there’s no easy solution.  No one is really dumb enough to think there’s an easy solution.  No amount of software will make the internet any safer than giving your money to Bernard Madoff or crossing the street.

Ignore the pseudo-science of the report.  Instead, pay attention to our individual kids and teach them that “friends” on social networking sites aren’t really friends, they’re merely virtual contacts; no matter how sympathetic they sound or how friendly they claim to be.  Obviously, dealing with malicious and vindictive virtual people (kids or adults) is much more difficult than dealing with people face-to-face.  And we all know how difficult that can be.

Remember the adults who encouraged a teenager to commit suicide.

Cyberbullies and predators on social networking sites are with us.  Of course we’ll find some software to help track down malicious rats and sexual predators, but we can never guarantee safety in the real world.  Striving for absolute safety is the wrong approach.

There are no safe environments.  That was the message I always got from reading the great hero stories when I was growing up.  And each tale challenged me to prepare myself for similar dangers.

Schools and the real-world have never been safe.  I remember a biography of Harpo Marx (remember the Marx Brothers).  He went to school for one day.  The kids threw him out the window (first floor).  He came back in.  They threw him out again.  After the third time he didn't go back in.  And never did again.

Schools and social networks are testing grounds for the real world.  And the real world is not and should not be safe.  Facing risks and danger helps us develop good sense, good character and the qualities necessary to survive.

Imagine growing up on a farm, in the wilderness or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.  Millennia ago we had to learn what a saber-toothed tiger’s foot prints looked like and how long ago they were left.  The world still requires survival skills, even if different ones.

As parents, we have the responsibility to monitor and guide our children and teenagers.  Of course kids will object.  How many of us thought our parents were right when they tried to limit what we wanted to do?  As parents, we must be wise enough to know more about the dangers of the real world than they do and strong enough to stand up to their anger.

We must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if our children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyberbullies, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they’ll develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.

Of course, coaching can help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.