Dieting? Quitting smoking or stopping drinking? Whose advice should you trust?

Are you dieting?  Have you noticed that everyone has advice about the best ways to stop?  The advice-givers also think they know best for people who are trying to quit smoking or stop drinking. For example, Tammy is dieting again.  She’s tried losing weight before, even succeeded, but has always gained it back.  This time she’s more determined.  Her friend Helen says she knows best.  She tells Tammy that she must eat big meals to celebrate every small success, like when she loses a few pounds.  If Tammy follows her advice, Helen will know that Tammy is really her good friend.

You’ve seen the same pattern when smokers push cigarettes on a friend who’s trying to quit.  Or when a drinker gets upset and pushes drinks on a friend who’s trying to stop drinking.

Is Helen really Tammy’s friend?  Does Helen have Tammy’s best interests at heart?  Should Tammy listen to Helen’s advice?

Of course there are many more difficulties to losing weight, quitting smoking or stopping drinking, but I want to focus on this one part of the total effort.

We could easily say that people who want to lose weight shouldn’t listen to the Helens in the world, people quitting smoking shouldn’t listen to supposed friends who tempt them with cigarettes, and people trying to stop drinking shouldn’t accept free drinks from pushers.

But I’d like to show you how to use the Nine Circles of Trust technique in this situation.  Instead of trying to answer questions about whether Helen is a true friend, Tammy simply started listing what anyone would have to do to move from the distant ninth circle, into the eighth circle closer to her, or closer still into the seventh circle, and even into closer circles.  The closer Tammy allows them to come, the more likely she is to listen to their opinions or advice.

During this listing, Tammy realized that she didn’t want to allow into her personal space, anyone who pushes food on her, whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.  Even if they threaten Tammy with the loss of a so-called friendship, her commitment to her diet comes first.  If Helen continues to push food down Tammy’s throat, Tammy must get Helen’s opinion out of her face.  That may mean getting Helen out of her space.

Tammy says she’s open to people expressing an opinion on which diet worked best for them.  But she’s not willing to listen to people trying to tempt, seduce or coerce her into doing what they may think best if it violates Tammy’s goals or standards.  She won’t accept relentless arm-twisting from Helen.  You can read more about what Tammy does in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Of course, most of us can be politely non-committal when someone offers a little friendly advice … one time.  We can easily ignore the suggestion if we want, and they don’t push their opinions or standards repeatedly.  But relentless bullying by people who think they know best and try to force us or emotionally blackmail us is different.

One key to the success of the Nine Circles process is that it shifts the focus from abstract discussions of friendship and trust, and converts them into your taking charge of the specific actions (and opinions) that you’ll allow in your personal space.

Imagine how the Nine Circles method would work for someone trying to quit smoking or stop drinking.  Since many dieters, smokers and drinkers have internal, self-bullies that try to prevent them from taking charge of their space, personalized coaching and consulting is usually necessary.

Read 20 different case studies demonstrating how to stop overt and stealth bullies in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  You’ll also see how a woman resists a verbally abusive, coercive and intimidating husband in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

A general question to ponder: should you blindly follow relationship advice from your massage therapist who has been in an endless series of one night stands after four failed marriages?  Or should you blindly follow spending directions from your orthopedic surgeon who thinks the only worthwhile activity in life is Scuba diving in New Zealand?  How being assaulted by parenting advice from people whose children are selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and don’t respect them?

These people may have expertise in one area of life, but they don’t know best about other areas – especially for you.  If you continue to allow their opinions into your space, it’s like allowing them to continue to stick pins in your body.  Eventually, the insult and pain will wear you down.

Instead, use the 9 Circles of Trust exercise to decide what standards are yours and what opinions to let into your space.

Where else could you benefit from the 9 Circles of Trust process?

The 9 Circles of Trust

Whether you’re thinking of personal relationships or the workplace or you’re teaching your children, how can you know who to trust? Some people think that it’s morally and spiritually advanced to start by trusting everyone.  You’re somehow a bad person if you don’t trust people.  After all, you get what you put out.  Other people say that everyone is out to get whatever they can so you should start by trusting no one.

Where do you usually begin?  And do you have any horror stories of people who trusted too much or too little?  Or heart-warming stories when trusting won over a previously un-trustworthy person?

Read more and you’ll learn about the 9 circles of trust – a process for getting around the unanswerable, philosophical trust-question.

Seventeen year-old Abby doesn’t know what to do with her boyfriend or whether she should trust her step-father.  She grew up knowing men were not worthy of trust.  Her father bailed on the family when she was six, leaving her mother with Abby and three younger children.  They never heard from him, but Abby knows he took all the money.  Her mother worked hard, but it was years before they could get on their feet.  Abby saw a succession of boyfriends take advantage of her mother; bullying and abusing her, and verbally intimidating the children.  The men were selfish and self-centered; real narcissists.

Her mother finally found a great guy.  They’ve been married for eight years and Tim has been wonderful to her mother and all the children.  It’s as if his heart has adopted them even though they’re not his biological children.  He spends his money on them as if they were his real family.  He helps around the house.  He’s always there for Abby, her mother and the other kids through their emotional ups and downs.  He attends all their functions and has gotten Abby in the middle of the night when she’s needed help.  He’d even support her if she went to college.  Should Abby trust Tim or is he going to turn out just like the other men?

Abby’s 22 year-old boyfriend is demanding, abusive, intimidating and controlling.  He blows up when she doesn’t do what he wants.  He says he proves his love by being insanely jealous and insisting that she doesn’t go to college because she might meet other guys.  He doesn’t work and says he needs her support to get his life together after the terrible treatment he suffered at the hands of his parents.  He even wants her to drop out of high school now so she can get a job and they can live together.  With her help, he might be able to stop drinking and smoking dope.  Since he says he loves her and would be lost without her, how can she not trust him?

Let’s compare that with a situation at work.  Lizzie’s boss is a bullying, control freak.  He gives everyone impossible tasks and deadlines.  Since they’re never perfect, he micro-manages, yells and delivers crushing putdowns.  He’s verbally abusive, emotionally intimidating and threatening.  He’s created a hostile workplace.

But when people started complaining and leaving, he promised he’d change.  He’d be more understanding, kind and caring.  Liz had begun to look for another job, but now she wonders if she should trust him.  Notice that while this looks different from Abby, it has the same key question: should Lizzie trust her boss?

I’ll use Abby to describe how the Nine Circles of Trust method works.  Think how Liz could apply it at work or someone could teach her daughter how to apply it to the other kids at school.

With coaching, Abby sees that she’s making a problem for herself by looking at trust in the old way – should she trust someone or not.  What’s more useful is for her to develop an accurate, realistic prediction of what another person is likely to do, based on their past behavior.  The more accurate her estimations are, the more she can trust her estimates.  That’s what trust is about: trusting her accurate estimations.

Abby also makes a problem for herself when she thinks the question with her boyfriend is whether or not he loves her.  She’s better off when she decides how she’d like to be loved (what behavior would make her feel loved) and then tests whether or not her boyfriend treats her that way.  It doesn’t matter what he calls it.  What matters is whether he treats her the way she defines love.

In order to develop a repeatable process, she imagines herself at the center of a bull’s eye.  She makes nine circles of trust getting further and further out from her; like she’s at the center of a target.   She writes how someone would have to behave in order for her to allow them to move from the furthest limit to one circle closer.  Actually, she makes different lists: one for her stepfather, one for her boyfriend and one for a girl at school.  At this distance, her tests for whether she’ll allow them closer are about non-threatening, physical behavior: no hitting, throwing things or physical abuse.

Then she makes lists of how they’d have to act in order for her to let them into the next closer circle.  At this distance, it’s about polite, civil behavior; not stealing her things, lying, bad mouthing her, yelling, threats or intimidation.

Then she makes a list for admission to the next closer circle.  And so on, closer each time.  Now she’s ready to decide how, for example, her boyfriend has acted and which circle she’ll put him in.

Abby’s shocked at her estimation of him.  She puts her boyfriend into the ninth circle.  He’s a bully and she won’t allow him any closer.  Despite her previous experience with her biological father and her mother’s rotten boyfriends, she brings her stepfather right next to her.  He has proven himself during eight years, despite lots of bad behavior from her.

Some of the other important considerations when using this process are:

• Adjust the prices of admission (the tests) to each circle as you learn more.
• Ignore reasons, excuses, justifications, pleading and coercion – base your estimates on actions.
• Be open to surprises (good and bad).
• Move people further away when they act bad.
• Keep people in their previous position even if they do one thing nice – recognize established patterns.
• You may move a particular person closer or further away depending on the circumstances – for example, you might go to a party with someone, but never lend them money.

You’ll find more examples of the effective use of methods like the Nine Circles of Trust in personal and work life in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

In which circle would you place the people in your life if you trusted that your estimates of what they’re likely to do?