Don't be Blackmailed into Choosing Between Bullies or Your Spouse

Sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies try to force us into difficult, all-or-none choices.  They figure we won’t make the hard choice; we’ll choose them instead.  Don’t accept the choices they present to us. Don’t give them control of how to look at things. For example: Tim’s first wife had died 20 years ago and he’d been happily married to Jennifer for 15 years.  She’d tried to be a good step-mother to Tim’s daughter and son, despite hatred and intense provocation, especially from Tim’s daughter, Coral.

Coral was now 28.  She’d harassed, abused and bullied Jennifer all during her upbringing.  Two years ago she’d even slapped Jennifer in the face.  Coral’s excuse was always that she was still suffering because her mother had died, because Jennifer didn’t give her everything she wanted and because it was Tim’s fault that he wouldn’t defend her.

Actually, Tim had been riddled with guilt and, although he’d pleaded with Coral to be nicer to Jennifer and to himself, he’d never enforced any consequences that mattered to Coral.  In fact, he’d trained Coral to believe that if she was nasty and negative, and threw temper tantrums long enough, he’d relent and give her what she wanted.

Jennifer had always felt like a second-class citizen, lower on Tim’s priority list than Coral.  Tim always excused Coral by saying that she was young and still suffering from her mother’s early death.  He excused his tolerating Coral’s behavior, his not protecting Jennifer by saying that eventually, if he loved and forgave Coral enough, she’d come around.  He didn’t want Coral to feel unloved.

Jennifer thought Tim simply avoided conflict with his daughter because she’d never be reasonable, apologize or compromise.  He gave Coral control because Jennifer was reasonable and understanding, so he could more easily ask her to give in.

Finally Coral had the leverage she wanted.  She gave birth to Tim’s only grandchild.  Then she laid down the law.  He’d have to choose: either her and his grandson or his wife.  If he chose Jennifer, he’d never see his grandson and Coral would bad-mouth him to everyone.  She’d also turn his grandson against him.

There are many other examples in which bullies below the radar try to force these difficult choices on us:

• New husbands or wives who try to force spouses into choosing between them or the kids from a previous marriage.  It’s especially difficult on the parents if the biological kids are going through a troubled time and spreading their unhappiness around.
• Toxic parents who want us to choose between them or our spouse.

In all these examples, a bully presents us with a difficult choice: them or someone else we love.  In all these examples, we know the truth we’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging: someone we love is bullying us.  They’re trying to beat us into submission in order to get what they want.  We also know the difficult truth: if we give in to this blackmail, it’ll never end and the price will keep increasing.

So what can we do?

In all these examples, the same process opens the door to the rich and grand future we yearn for:

1. Accept that we’ll never get what we want if we give in to blackmail. Accept that the blackmailer wants to control our lives – they want to tell us what’s right and what we must do; or else.  Accept that we’ll never change these narcissistic predators by begging, bribery, peace-making, the Golden Rule or unconditional love.  Tim had to accept that although he loved his daughter, he didn’t like her and he dreaded any interaction with her.
2. Decide what behavior we must have and what we will tolerate in our personal space. Forget about the name of the relationship and focus on the behavior. Set high standards for how people have to behave in order to be invited into our space.  What values are more important than which others?  What’s the life we want to live, given the givens that other people try to force on us?
3. See the choice for what it really is.  Tim finally saw that the choice was not between his daughter or his wife; it was between being beaten and controlled by his daughter or his life. In order to have the life he yearned for, he had to choose to be a person worthy of that life.  He had to have the courage of his deepest desires.
4. Protect our personal environment from pollution, even by those we love.  That meant that Tim had to act with courage and determination to defend his personal space from any toxic polluter, even from his daughter and from the weakest, most needy, most cowardly part of him.

By choosing the life he wanted, which he shared with Jennifer, Tim chose the possibility of a wonderful life.  He and Jennifer started doing things they’d always wanted to.  They stopped wasting their time thinking about Coral.  Tim stopped being depressed and riddled with shame and guilt.  They started being happy.

But what about Tim’s broken heart because he couldn’t see his grandson? There’s no way around that.  Tim’s daughter was adamant: she wouldn’t let him see his grandson.  However, we must remember that we can never appease predators and vampires.

But eventually, Coral and her husband divorced and her husband, who had finally seen how Coral operated but was no longer afraid of her, let Tim and Jennifer bond with his grandson.  Eventually Coral needed money and Tim had to decide if he wanted to put her on a pay-for-play plan.  Should he give her a little money each time he and Jennifer saw his grandson?

For some examples of different tactics, see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullies Below The Radar

The second edition of “Bullies Below the Radar: Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” documents the personal journey to courage, strength, determination and skill of Grace, a wife and mother, who finally accepted that she was being controlled and bullied by a stealthy, sneaky manipulative husband. Grace finally accepted that for years:

• She’d lived in a frustrating, hostile marriage, full of drudgery and pain.
• Even though she hadn’t been physically abused or beaten, she’d been worn down and controlled by serving her husband and by arguing that hadn’t improved the relationship.
• She’d suffered watching herself and her children get harassed, manipulated, controlled and bullied.
• Her love, understanding, sweetness and kindness had not changed him.
• His numerous apologies simply kept her coming back, but he won’t change.

Grace discovered that she couldn’t make things better by being a peacemaker.  Tactics like begging, bribery, understanding, endless praise, appeasement, politeness, ‘second chances,’ forgiveness, sympathy and unconditional love, and the Golden Rule usually encourage more harassment, bullying and abuse.  We won’t get the results we want; we won’t stop emotional bullies or physical bullying unless we’re clear about which values are most important to us.

She stopped wallowing in negative self-talk, perfectionism, blame, shame and guilt, which had led her to get discouraged, depressed, despairing and easily defeated.  She’d lost her confidence and self-esteem.

On her journey to taking power, effectively setting boundaries and voting her narcissistic husband off her “Isle of Song,” she learned:

• To recognize the seven warning signs of bullies below the radar, including sneaky patterns of bullying behavior, and the mental, emotional and spiritual costs accepting bullying.
• To go beyond magical thinking to overcome the six most common objections to standing up to bullies.
• To stop using the nine common strategies that fail to stop bullies.
• What to do if at first she didn’t succeed.
• The seven success strategies that will be effective in any bullying situation.
• A seven-step process to plan tactics that will be effective in any particular situation.
• How to protect her personal ecology and create a bully-free future.

Applying these real-world techniques, she got strong, courageous, determined, persevering and flexible in order to stop bullies of all types – controllers, critics, exploders, pushy perfectionists, prying questioners, emotional intimidators, smiling manipulators, relentless arguers and more

Grace learned that, “History is not destiny.”  Using the step-by-step instructions presented here, Grace changed her mind-set and built her courage, character and skill.

My advice: Don't be a victim waiting forever for other people to grow up or change.  Don’t accept bullies’ reasons, justifications and excuses.  Don’t suffer in silence.  Use your own power.  Say “That’s enough!”  Say “No!”

For some examples of different tactics, also see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying, Abuse: Be Your Own Expert

When we follow experts’ checklists, and we recognize and label our spouses’ behavior as “bullying” and our demanding, controlling, narcissistic, abusive spouses as “bullies,” we generate our own power.  We may use that power to re-enter the fight with renewed vigor and a new sense that we’re right. But many bullies, especially demanding, controlling, narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, abusive spouses, will not be convinced to change by our experts or our internal power.

There’s a better way.

Bullying spouses will often get their own experts or friends or mothers to say that our experts are wrong.  Their experts will say, “Our spouses are in the normal range and it’s our fault that they’re acting the way they do.  We made them do it.”

Also, many bullies like to debate, argue and fight forever.  They never concede a point or give ground.  No matter how many experts we get to prove that they’re bullies, they won’t change.  They expect to wear us down.  We can see how that argument can go around and around forever.

The fundamental problem with that approach is our willingness to debate and argue because outside experts tell us that we’re right or that we’ve been wronged, and, therefore, our spouses should change.

The better course, the winning way is to ask our inner expert. We ask ourselves, not if they’re bullying us, but simply whether we like or don’t like what they do.  We know what we like and don’t like; we know how much we like or hate it; we know what we’re willing to compromise about or put up with and what we’re not.

We begin with our judgment and act on that judgment. The fundamental and true justifications for what we do are “I want to” and “I don’t want to.”  Not necessarily as a snap judgment, but as a source of energy and power.  Later, we supply a thin coating of logical reasons to make people think we’re rational.

We’re acting on our own standards and for the benefit of our heart and soul – and probably for our kids also.  That’s real power.  Since we know what we want, we don’t need to change our spouse or get our spouse to agree or give permission.  Gone are doubt, hesitation, self-questioning, negative, self-bullying self-talk, insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

A declaration of what we want or don’t want is unassailable by outside experts.  We know right away that any who tries to talk us out of what we want by saying, “That’s dumb.  That’s crazy.  That’s silly.  That’s unreasonable.  That’s selfish.  That’s arrogant.  That’s too demanding.  That’s not loving,” is not a person we want to keep as a lover, friend or relative.

Acting because we want to is more than enough justification. Acting as our own expert, on our own best judgment, because we want to is how we take charge of our present and future.

Instead of thinking we need to prove or justify something according to our spouse’s logic, we’re now testing our spouse.

• We say what we will never tolerate and what we must have.
• We say what we want and don’t want strongly, and how many chances we’re giving.
• We say what we’re willing to negotiate or to give, and what we must have in return – and how many chances.

This technique is detailed in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.

Don’t pay attention to objectors or inner objections:

• Anyone who tries to talk us out of our standards.
• Anyone who says we’re mean, selfish, not understanding, unforgiving, unloving or a demanding bully.
• Anyone who demands, threatens or tries to control or coerce us to change.
• Our own feeling that we love our spouse so much we can never leave.
• Our thoughts that we need to be perfect or to honor a commitment we made before we knew the real cost of what we were buying.

We can’t let our feelings ruin our future.  We’ll fall in love again with someone even better.

Given our standards, is our spouse willing to act in a way that we’ll allow them to stay on our island or will we vote them off?  It’s our island and we’re the only one who votes.

It’s that clear and simple even though the specific action plan will have to be adjusted depending on the situation – money, kids, relatives, culture, etc.

But what if we’re wrong or too picky? On the one hand we do know that experts are wrong.  For example, expert advice for the best way to parent has changed every few years during my lifetime.  There are no guarantees.

On the other hand, we might make a mistake.  So what?  We are learners.  The more we listen to our inner expert, the more expert it will become and the more it will help us.  We’re not children any more.  It’s better to follow our own path than be ruled by parents, spouses or experts.

This choice is wonderfully illustrated in the Daniel Day-Lewis movie version of “The Last of The Mohicans”.

British Major Duncan wants Cora to marry him.  Her father wants her to marry him.  But Cora hesitates.  Cora is thinking about breaking away from the cage of her upbringing.   She tells him of her hesitation.

Duncan says, “Why not let those whom you trust, like your father, help settle what is best for you.  In view of your indecision, you should rely on their judgment and mine.  Will you consider that?”

At first she’s not sure, but later she sees a side of Major Duncan she would never let herself live with.  She tells Duncan, “I have considered your offer.  The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.  My answer to you must be, ‘No.’”

She will follow her own judgment, not theirs.  She will not let those “experts” rule her life.

Be brave.  We can get help to access the expert within us and learn to trust our inner expert.  We can act because we want to and be the hero of our lives.

Stop Sneaky, Manipulative Bullies

A typical tactic of sneaky, manipulative bullies is to convince their well-meaning targets to try to make the bullies happy.  Although covert bullies and control-freaks aren’t usually so clear, straightforward and blunt about it, what they say is, “You’ve made me unhappy.  It’s your fault that I’m upset, angry, violent and abusive.  If you only acted the way I want, I’d be happy and nice.  It’s your responsibility to make me happy.” Common examples of this tactic are:

Common examples of this tactic are:

• An abusive spouse yells, controls and beats his partner. Then he blames his loss of self-control and self-discipline on the target.  “If you did what I wanted, I’d be nice.  You brought it on yourself.  It’s your fault I treat you so badly.”  See the case study of Grace in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”
• A covert bully in the workplace will get hysterical and claim to have low morale until you give her everything she wants in order to calm her down and raise her morale. You’ll have to keep the goodies coming because she’ll never trust you; every day you’ll have to convince her anew by doing what she wants. An overt bully at work will use the same approach as an abusive spouse for outrageous acts of bullying, abuse and violence.
• Facing the temper tantrums of two year-olds, you’re teaching them how to get what they want from you; by being nice or by being nasty.  You’re also training them how to feel when they don’t get what they want.  They learn whether it’s okay to fight you as if not getting what they want is the end of the world or if they have to develop more self-discipline and control.  Once you’re defeated by a two year-olds’ temper tantrums, you’ll have to do what they want forever, or else.  The best way to create a spoiled brat is to accept the task of providing for their happiness.  The worst consequence of your giving in is that they’ll grow up convinced that they can’t be happy unless they’re catered to.
• Using surly, grumpy, demanding, entitled behavior, teenagers can manipulate or browbeat their parents. Teens will claim that if they fail in life, it’ll be your fault because you didn’t give them enough.  Or they’ll threaten to hurt themselves or damage the house if you upset them.  However, your job is to turn the responsibility around.  You might give them things if they make you like it, not if they try to beat you into giving them what they want.  See the case study of Paula in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

In all these situations, sneaky, manipulative, covert, stealthy bullies try to get what they want by using emotional blackmail and name-calling.  For example, if you don’t give them what they want, “You’re insensitive, selfish and uncaring” or “You’re not a nice person” or “You don’t understand how I feel, what I’ve lived through or how hard it is for me” or “You wouldn’t want me to repress what I feel.  I don’t have any control over what I feel.”

Their hidden assumption is that other people (you) are responsible for their attitudes, moods and happiness.  They have no control over how they feel about getting or not getting what they want.  Also, they have no control over how they act when they’re upset.  And, therefore, your job is to make them happy.

I disagree with all those assumptions.  Also, if you accept the guilt, blame and responsibility, you’ll be a victim for life.

The negative, bullying, abusive self-talk can corrode your spirit, sap your strength, ruin your focus and destroy your courage.  Looking at yourself with their hostile eyes and talking to yourself with their critical, perfectionistic, never-pleased voice can be demoralizing and debilitating.  Constant repetition of all your imperfections, mistakes, faults, failures and character flaws can lead you down the path toward isolation, depression and suicide.  Don’t go there.

Their bullying and abuse will continue and escalate.  If you accept the responsibility to please them in order to get them to treat you decently, you’ll give them what they want and all they have to do to keep you giving is never to be satisfied.  Since you’re responsible for their feelings and actions, there will always be more things you have to do to please them.

Don’t let them destroy your inner strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience.  Don’t go down the path to being a victim for life.  Don’t let them destroy your self-confidence and self-esteem.  Don’t let them stimulate your anxiety, stress, guilt, negativity and self-mutilation.  Don’t let them push you toward isolation, depression and suicide.

Instead, break the game.  Don’t accept the responsibility for their feelings and actions.  You don’t have to be perfect before they have to change how they act.  Give the responsibility back to them.

For example, you can say, “I’m not responsible for how you feel and act.  You are.  I don’t have to make you happy.  You can choose how you feel and what you do, no matter what’s happening.  I’m going to focus only on behavior and decide whether to keep you around based only on your actions.  Your reasons, excuses and justifications won’t count.”

And then you have to make the consequences count.

If a stealthy, manipulative bully says, “You’re being selfish,” you can respond with, “Thanks for noticing.” And you keep doing what you were doing.

The tactics they use tell you how close you want people to be; how close you want to let them come to your wonderful, peaceful, joyous island.

All tactics are situational so we’ll have to go into the details of your specific situation in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” has many examples of children and adults commanding themselves and then stopping bullies.  For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Bullying at Extended Family Holidays

Many types of family bullying are obvious, whether it’s physical or verbal harassment, nastiness or abuse, and targets or witnesses usually jump in to stop it.  The typical perpetrators are mothers and fathers bullying each other or the kids, sibling bullies, bullying step-parents or kids sneakily bullying a step-parent in order to drive a wedge between a biological parent and their new partner. But many people allow extended family members to abuse their children or their spouses, especially at the holidays, because they’re afraid that protest will split the family into warring factions that will never be healed.  They’re afraid they’ll be blamed for destroying family unity or they accept a social code that proclaims some image of “family” as the most important value.

Except in a few, rare situations, that’s a big mistake.

A rare exception might be an aged, senile and demented, or a dying family member whose behavior is tolerated temporarily while the children are protected from the abuse.

But a more typical example of what shouldn’t be tolerated was a grandpa who had a vicious tongue, especially when he drank.  He angrily told the grandchildren they were weak, selfish and dumb.  He ripped them down for every fault – too smart, too stupid; too fat, too skinny; too short, too tall; too pretty, too ugly; too demanding, too shy.  He also focused on fatal character flaws; born lazy, born failure, born evil, born unwanted.

For good measure, he verbally assaulted his own children and their spouses – except for the favorite ones.  He even did this around the Thanksgiving and Christmas tables when the parents and their spouses were present.  He was always righteous and right.

Imagine that you see the fear, stress, anxiety and pain on your children’s faces and on your spouse’s face; you feel the pain and anger in your own heart.  You hate being there; you hate exposing your family to the negativity and abuse.  The rest of the adults try to shrug it off saying, “It’s only dad.  He really does love us.  His life has been hard.”  Or they insist, “Don’t upset the family, don’t force us to choose sides, family comes first.”

What can you do?

I assume you’ve asked him to stop or given him dirty looks, but that only seemed to encourage him to attack you and your children more.  Or he apologized, but didn’t stop for even minute.  When you arrived late and tried to leave early, he attacked your family even more.  He blamed you for disrupting the family.  The rest of the adults also said that it’s your fault you aren’t kind and family oriented enough to put up with him.

What else can you do?

I think you have to step back and look at the big picture – a view of culture, society and what’s important in life.  Only then can you decide what fights are important enough to fight and only then will you have the strength, courage and perseverance to act effectively.

Compare two views: one in which blood family is all important. We are supposed to do anything for family and put up with anything from family because we need family in order to survive or because family is the greatest good.  This view says that if you put anything above family, especially your individual conscience or needs, you’ll destroy the foundations of civilized life and expose yourself in times of need.  In this view, we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves and our children to our biological family – by blood or by marriage.

We can see the benefits of this view.  When you’re old and sick, who else will take care of you but kith and kin?  In this view, the moral basis of civilization is the bond of blood and marriage.  Violate that relationship, bring disunity into the family by standing up for your individual views and you jeopardize everything important and traditional.

In my experience, this view is usually linked to the view that men and inherited traditions should rule.  Boys are supposed to torment girls because that teaches them how to become men.  Girls are supposed to submit because that’s their appointed role – sanctioned by religion and culture.  If men are vicious to women and children, if old people are vicious to the young, that’s tolerated.

Contrast this view with an alternative in which behavior is more important than blood. Your individual conscience and rules of acceptable behavior are more important than traditions that enable brutality and pain generation after generation.  What’s most important in this view is that you strive to create an environment with people who fill your heart with joy – a family of your heart and spirit.

If you choose the first view, you’ll never be able to stop bullying and abuse.  Your children will see who has the power and who bears the pain.  They’ll model the family dynamics they saw during the holidays.   You’ve abdicated the very individual conscience and power that you need to protect yourself and your children.  You’ll wallow in ineffective whining and complaining, hoping that someone else will solve your problem.

The best you can hope for outside the family, when your children face bullies who have practiced being bullies or being bullied at home, is that school authorities will do what’s right and protect your children from bullies.  But how can you expect more courage from them than you have?  Or why shouldn’t they accept the culture which tolerates bullying and abuse, just like you have?

Once you’ve decided that you will stop accepting intolerable behavior, your action plan will have to be adjusted to the circumstances, for example:

• Are you the biological child in the family or merely a spouse?
• Is your spouse willing to be as strong as you?
• Who’s the perpetrator – a grandparent, another adult or spouse, a cousin, a more distant relative?
• Do you see the perpetrator every year or once a decade?
• Do other adults acknowledge the abuse also?

Expert coaching and good books and CDs like “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will help you make the necessary inner shifts and also develop a stepwise action plan that fits your family situation and newly developed comfort zone.  For example, see the case studies of Kathy, Jake and Ralph.

Keep in mind that while you hope the perpetrator will change his or her behavior, your goal is really to have an island with people who make every occasion joyous.  You must be prepared to go all the way to withdrawing from family events or to starting a fight that will split the family into two camps.  But at least you’ll be in a camp in which you feel comfortable spending the holidays.

Be prepared to be pleasantly surprised.  Sometimes when one person speaks up, many others join in and the combined weight of opinion forces an acceptable change.  Sometimes if you say you’ll withdraw, you’ll be seen as the most difficult person in the room and the rest of the family will make the abuser change or ostracize him or her.

7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks

Narcissistic control-freaks rule!  They think. Some narcissistic personalities are so over the top that it’s easy to detect them.  You’ll follow your gut reaction and get away as fast as you can.

But watch out.  If you’re not careful, stealthy narcissists will take over your life – at home, in relationships, at work.  Are you sure you can detect the stealthy ones?

Seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists are:

1. They think they know best about everything.  They know what’s best for you; just ask them.  They give you advice and make your life miserable if you don’t do what they say.  They point out all your mistakes and failings.  They’re spouses, relatives or friends who could direct your life better than you can.  They’re yelling, threatening, demeaning bosses.  Their absolute certainty seduces you into self-doubt and self-bullying.  You become unsure of your own judgment and wisdom so you might as well follow theirs.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along.  Whether it’s for a new product, career, love interest or activity, it’s the best and greatest – even if it’s the opposite of what they thought 10 minutes ago.  You should jump on board if you know what’s good for you.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.  They’re new employees or interns who know everything and don’t need to learn from people who are already doing their jobs well.  They’re nit-picking, micro-managers.  They’re children or teenagers who won’t practice or learn, who won’t do anything the way other people say is best.  They insist on doing it their way, even though they fail repeatedly.  They won’t listen; especially when they’re failing.
4. They’re more important than you are.  Actually, they’re more important than the rest of the world.  Their feelings are so intense that you’re too polite or afraid to upset them by trying to make your feelings or opinions matter.  Their feelings get hurt easily and are powerful justifications for anger, retaliation and revenge.  Their jealousies, issues and concerns (not yours) become the focus of all interactions.  Their desires – for promotions, toys they want, relationships they want, enemies they want to get – are the most important things and they’re entitled to get what they want.  They’re controlling, stealth-bullying husbands.  Your time – actually, your whole life – should be devoted to their needs (wants, whims).
5. Everyone is a pawn in their game.  You have value only as long as you can help them or worship them.  They’re selfish, arrogant, demanding teenagers, spouses or dates who think they should be catered to or waited on.  Anyone who doesn’t help or who gets in the way becomes the enemy.  You’re afraid that if you disagree or distance yourself, they’ll strike back at you.
6. Their excuses, excuse.  Their reasons are always correct and are enough to justify what they do.  If you don’t agree, you simply don’t understand or you’re evil.  Their jealousies, anger and hatred are not bad characteristics – like other people’s jealousy, anger and hatred.  Self-deluded narcissists (aren’t they all, by definition) think they’re merely feeling, thinking and doing what any normal person would feel, think and do.  They’re saints in their own minds.  You’d better agree or else.
7. Their rules, rule.  They know how the world should be and how people should act.  They’re allowed to do anything they want – to take, attack or strike back in any way they want – but everyone else should be bound by their rules.  If your feelings are hurt by what they’ve said or done, it’s your fault and your problem.  They are virtuous and righteous.  They’re great debaters or they simply talk so loud and long that you give in.

In order to thrive, we all need some of these characteristics some of the time.  Narcissists have them all and they won’t give them up.  They’d rather dominate than succeed or have relationships that bring out the greatest in everyone.

Take a look at yourself: What attracts you to someone who is sure they’re important, they’re right and your life would be better if you do what they say or if you serve them?

Kind-hearted therapy-junkies in families or in the workplace think they can convert these selfish, self-absorbed bullies by loving them enough, by appeasing them or by educating them.  Forget it.

You’re never going to change them.  They’re bullying, control-freaks.  Get the coaching you need to get away as fast as you can.  You don’t need their direction.  Don’t ask for or even allow them to give their opinions.  Make your own mistakes and create your own successes.

Ignore your self-bullying; that little voice that doesn’t like you, that tells you that narcissists might be right.  If you don’t trust your own guts you’ll get sucked in, just like you would into a black hole.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” “Bullies Below the Radar” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies, including narcissistic personalities, are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find methods to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

How to stop a controlling boyfriend

Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free. Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career.  She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.

When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life.  He seemed to think so also.  He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home.  He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.

But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.

When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to.  Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank.  But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance.  He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.

He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted.  Or he could always win debates with her.

Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him.  He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down.  She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him.  And she was afraid that he might even dump her.  Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.

None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans.  He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans.  They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects.  He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.

At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.”  She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.”  She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer.  Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.”  Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving.  That means right now!”

Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No.  If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying.  I’ll get a ride or a take cab home.  I won’t be long.”

Frank stormed off.  When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious.  He yelled, “I’m in charge.  If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”

Madge felt like a chastised little girl.  She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him.  I could have left with him as he wanted.  It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.”  She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.”  When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl.  Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”

At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start.  Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage.  “Wait a minute,” she thought.  “It’s my house, not his.”  At that moment her head and heart turned around.  She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was.  Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.

Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.  Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.

Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money.  He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life.  And she had allowed him to.

I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life.  That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad.  But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.

Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks; 10-CD Set

New resources to help you eliminate bullies from both your work and personal life are ready to ship:* My new 10-CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” complete with 20 case studies, plus a free bonus, unabridged reading of my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks.” * The Bullies Be Gone system — Personal Life Bundle * The Bullies Be Gone system — Professional Life Bundle

The two new bundles bring together all of the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your professional and in your personal lives.  Listen to the CDs in the car or airplane, and refer back to the sections in the books that you'll want to read over and over.  When you purchase these bundles, you'll receive more that 20% off the price of each resource, if purchased separately.

They’re in plenty of time to help you handle the bullies you face during the holiday season and to give as presents to those in need.  Please see the details, including the Table of Contents and questions for reading groups, on the products and resources page. “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work: * Early warning signs of overt and stealth bullies. * Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life. * The three strategies that will be successful. * Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using. * A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies. * How to protect your personal ecology.

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“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” is a companion to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  It shows you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life.

Good parenting requires you to teach them how to use other tactics and techniques to stop bullies in their tracks, as well as to maintain their independence, confidence and self-esteem, and to promote their emotional development. That's necessary preparation for them to succeed in the adult world at work and in personal relationships – e.g., with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with: * Taunting, teasing and fighting. * A venomous Queen Bee. * Emotional blackmail. * A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend. * School administrators. * The most important decision for teenagers. * Self-bullying.

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The Bullies Be Gone system — Personal Life Bundle

This collection of books and CDs brings together all the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your personal life: * “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover. * “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover. * “Bullies Below the Radar” – soft cover. * “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” plus “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” – 10-CDs.

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The Bullies Be Gone system — Professional Life Bundle

This collection of books and CDs brings together all of the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your professional life: * “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes” – 3-CDs + Workbook. * “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” – soft cover. * “Bullies Below the Radar” – soft cover. * 12 bonus articles on how to deal successfully with bullies in the workplace.

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~~~ "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts."  Rabindranath Tagore ~~~

We'll make it easy for you to get copies for everyone on your gift list by shipping directly to them.  Simply order the number of copies you want and immediately send me an e-mail with the addresses of each of your lucky friends.  In addition, if you recently purchased one of the items in the system and want to get the rest now, e-mail me and I'll give you a special discount on “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the 10-CD set.

Of course, you can also get the personal coaching you need for your specific situation.

Best wishes for a joyous, bully-free life, Ben

Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

In her column in the East Bay Business Times, “Legal Report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night,” Barbara Grady used my expertise in the section on handling bullies in the workplace. To read this section of the article, click here Legal report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

East Bay Business Times, Friday, October 10, 2008 - by Barbara Grady

There are more than a few things that can keep employers awake at night these days. But with a bit of advice from East Bay legal experts, you can take steps to avoid some of these problems, whether it is bullies in the workplace, mistakenly hiring a felon or dealing with employees who spread trade secrets. The five areas covered in this Legal Report focusing on avoiding litigation can be legal quagmires for employers, because laws governing them are ever-changing or have not been well established.

Handling bullies in the workplace Too bad not every child learns that bullying is unacceptable. Instead, some grow up to be bullies. In fact, adults bullying co-workers and subordinates in the workplace “is a tremendous problem,” occurring in at least half of all employment places, says Ben Leichtling of the consulting firm Leichtling and Associates, LLC in Denver and author of “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and other books on the workplace.

In times of economic stress – like now – belligerent behavior can surface in seemingly even-keeled individuals. So companies need to watch for tensions among employees and incidents of bullying as the nation rides through the current economic rough patch.

If they don’t, warns attorney Darci Burrell of the Oakland law firm Boxer Gerson LLP, they could be liable for workers’ compensation claims or harassment claims from victims who endured the bullying. Moreover, employers stand to lose in productivity, workplace morale and eventually profits, Leichtling said.

“It might not be illegal for employers to ignore bullying, but it is not smart,” Burrell said.

Indeed, U.S. Department of Labor studies have quantified productivity loss from bullying, while the National Institute of Occupational Health and Safety found in a survey that one-quarter of public and private workplaces have experienced bullying in the workplace.

There are no federal or state statutes forbidding bullying in the workplace, however, so how do you deal with it?

In the absence of codified law forbidding bullying, Leichtling and Burrell both recommend that employers establish in-house rules that state what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable – and then training people in those policies.

“Generally having policies in place, a good comprehensive policy in place that tells employees what kind of conduct is prohibited and tells people what to do if that policy is violated is what works. The problem is lots of companies have policies, but they don’t train their people in those policies,” Burrell said.

Leichtling in his consulting work with companies always recommends that they specify in writing what behaviors are expected and what are not accepted, and then set up a process for documenting behaviors that are in violation.

“They have to be specific, like no throwing things, so they can be observed and documented. And they have to be behaviors, not attitudes, because you can’t document attitudes. You can document James yelling and screaming on such and such a date,” Leichtling said.

“Documentation must be practiced across the board, as part of performance evaluations, so one person does not feel singled out or the target of discrimination,” Leichtling said.

Bullying can include speaking in degrading terms to a co-worker or subordinate, threatening, and even less-overt behavior like repeated gossiping about one person, Leichtling said. Once documentation occurs and builds – as it usually does because bullies repeat their behavior – the offending bully usually chooses to leave, Leichtling said, because he or she can’t stand the negative limelight. Problem solved.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Dieting? Quitting smoking or stopping drinking? Whose advice should you trust?

Are you dieting?  Have you noticed that everyone has advice about the best ways to stop?  The advice-givers also think they know best for people who are trying to quit smoking or stop drinking. For example, Tammy is dieting again.  She’s tried losing weight before, even succeeded, but has always gained it back.  This time she’s more determined.  Her friend Helen says she knows best.  She tells Tammy that she must eat big meals to celebrate every small success, like when she loses a few pounds.  If Tammy follows her advice, Helen will know that Tammy is really her good friend.

You’ve seen the same pattern when smokers push cigarettes on a friend who’s trying to quit.  Or when a drinker gets upset and pushes drinks on a friend who’s trying to stop drinking.

Is Helen really Tammy’s friend?  Does Helen have Tammy’s best interests at heart?  Should Tammy listen to Helen’s advice?

Of course there are many more difficulties to losing weight, quitting smoking or stopping drinking, but I want to focus on this one part of the total effort.

We could easily say that people who want to lose weight shouldn’t listen to the Helens in the world, people quitting smoking shouldn’t listen to supposed friends who tempt them with cigarettes, and people trying to stop drinking shouldn’t accept free drinks from pushers.

But I’d like to show you how to use the Nine Circles of Trust technique in this situation.  Instead of trying to answer questions about whether Helen is a true friend, Tammy simply started listing what anyone would have to do to move from the distant ninth circle, into the eighth circle closer to her, or closer still into the seventh circle, and even into closer circles.  The closer Tammy allows them to come, the more likely she is to listen to their opinions or advice.

During this listing, Tammy realized that she didn’t want to allow into her personal space, anyone who pushes food on her, whatever their reasons, excuses or justifications.  Even if they threaten Tammy with the loss of a so-called friendship, her commitment to her diet comes first.  If Helen continues to push food down Tammy’s throat, Tammy must get Helen’s opinion out of her face.  That may mean getting Helen out of her space.

Tammy says she’s open to people expressing an opinion on which diet worked best for them.  But she’s not willing to listen to people trying to tempt, seduce or coerce her into doing what they may think best if it violates Tammy’s goals or standards.  She won’t accept relentless arm-twisting from Helen.  You can read more about what Tammy does in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Of course, most of us can be politely non-committal when someone offers a little friendly advice … one time.  We can easily ignore the suggestion if we want, and they don’t push their opinions or standards repeatedly.  But relentless bullying by people who think they know best and try to force us or emotionally blackmail us is different.

One key to the success of the Nine Circles process is that it shifts the focus from abstract discussions of friendship and trust, and converts them into your taking charge of the specific actions (and opinions) that you’ll allow in your personal space.

Imagine how the Nine Circles method would work for someone trying to quit smoking or stop drinking.  Since many dieters, smokers and drinkers have internal, self-bullies that try to prevent them from taking charge of their space, personalized coaching and consulting is usually necessary.

Read 20 different case studies demonstrating how to stop overt and stealth bullies in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  You’ll also see how a woman resists a verbally abusive, coercive and intimidating husband in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

A general question to ponder: should you blindly follow relationship advice from your massage therapist who has been in an endless series of one night stands after four failed marriages?  Or should you blindly follow spending directions from your orthopedic surgeon who thinks the only worthwhile activity in life is Scuba diving in New Zealand?  How being assaulted by parenting advice from people whose children are selfish, arrogant, obnoxious and don’t respect them?

These people may have expertise in one area of life, but they don’t know best about other areas – especially for you.  If you continue to allow their opinions into your space, it’s like allowing them to continue to stick pins in your body.  Eventually, the insult and pain will wear you down.

Instead, use the 9 Circles of Trust exercise to decide what standards are yours and what opinions to let into your space.

Where else could you benefit from the 9 Circles of Trust process?

The 9 Circles of Trust

Whether you’re thinking of personal relationships or the workplace or you’re teaching your children, how can you know who to trust? Some people think that it’s morally and spiritually advanced to start by trusting everyone.  You’re somehow a bad person if you don’t trust people.  After all, you get what you put out.  Other people say that everyone is out to get whatever they can so you should start by trusting no one.

Where do you usually begin?  And do you have any horror stories of people who trusted too much or too little?  Or heart-warming stories when trusting won over a previously un-trustworthy person?

Read more and you’ll learn about the 9 circles of trust – a process for getting around the unanswerable, philosophical trust-question.

Seventeen year-old Abby doesn’t know what to do with her boyfriend or whether she should trust her step-father.  She grew up knowing men were not worthy of trust.  Her father bailed on the family when she was six, leaving her mother with Abby and three younger children.  They never heard from him, but Abby knows he took all the money.  Her mother worked hard, but it was years before they could get on their feet.  Abby saw a succession of boyfriends take advantage of her mother; bullying and abusing her, and verbally intimidating the children.  The men were selfish and self-centered; real narcissists.

Her mother finally found a great guy.  They’ve been married for eight years and Tim has been wonderful to her mother and all the children.  It’s as if his heart has adopted them even though they’re not his biological children.  He spends his money on them as if they were his real family.  He helps around the house.  He’s always there for Abby, her mother and the other kids through their emotional ups and downs.  He attends all their functions and has gotten Abby in the middle of the night when she’s needed help.  He’d even support her if she went to college.  Should Abby trust Tim or is he going to turn out just like the other men?

Abby’s 22 year-old boyfriend is demanding, abusive, intimidating and controlling.  He blows up when she doesn’t do what he wants.  He says he proves his love by being insanely jealous and insisting that she doesn’t go to college because she might meet other guys.  He doesn’t work and says he needs her support to get his life together after the terrible treatment he suffered at the hands of his parents.  He even wants her to drop out of high school now so she can get a job and they can live together.  With her help, he might be able to stop drinking and smoking dope.  Since he says he loves her and would be lost without her, how can she not trust him?

Let’s compare that with a situation at work.  Lizzie’s boss is a bullying, control freak.  He gives everyone impossible tasks and deadlines.  Since they’re never perfect, he micro-manages, yells and delivers crushing putdowns.  He’s verbally abusive, emotionally intimidating and threatening.  He’s created a hostile workplace.

But when people started complaining and leaving, he promised he’d change.  He’d be more understanding, kind and caring.  Liz had begun to look for another job, but now she wonders if she should trust him.  Notice that while this looks different from Abby, it has the same key question: should Lizzie trust her boss?

I’ll use Abby to describe how the Nine Circles of Trust method works.  Think how Liz could apply it at work or someone could teach her daughter how to apply it to the other kids at school.

With coaching, Abby sees that she’s making a problem for herself by looking at trust in the old way – should she trust someone or not.  What’s more useful is for her to develop an accurate, realistic prediction of what another person is likely to do, based on their past behavior.  The more accurate her estimations are, the more she can trust her estimates.  That’s what trust is about: trusting her accurate estimations.

Abby also makes a problem for herself when she thinks the question with her boyfriend is whether or not he loves her.  She’s better off when she decides how she’d like to be loved (what behavior would make her feel loved) and then tests whether or not her boyfriend treats her that way.  It doesn’t matter what he calls it.  What matters is whether he treats her the way she defines love.

In order to develop a repeatable process, she imagines herself at the center of a bull’s eye.  She makes nine circles of trust getting further and further out from her; like she’s at the center of a target.   She writes how someone would have to behave in order for her to allow them to move from the furthest limit to one circle closer.  Actually, she makes different lists: one for her stepfather, one for her boyfriend and one for a girl at school.  At this distance, her tests for whether she’ll allow them closer are about non-threatening, physical behavior: no hitting, throwing things or physical abuse.

Then she makes lists of how they’d have to act in order for her to let them into the next closer circle.  At this distance, it’s about polite, civil behavior; not stealing her things, lying, bad mouthing her, yelling, threats or intimidation.

Then she makes a list for admission to the next closer circle.  And so on, closer each time.  Now she’s ready to decide how, for example, her boyfriend has acted and which circle she’ll put him in.

Abby’s shocked at her estimation of him.  She puts her boyfriend into the ninth circle.  He’s a bully and she won’t allow him any closer.  Despite her previous experience with her biological father and her mother’s rotten boyfriends, she brings her stepfather right next to her.  He has proven himself during eight years, despite lots of bad behavior from her.

Some of the other important considerations when using this process are:

• Adjust the prices of admission (the tests) to each circle as you learn more.
• Ignore reasons, excuses, justifications, pleading and coercion – base your estimates on actions.
• Be open to surprises (good and bad).
• Move people further away when they act bad.
• Keep people in their previous position even if they do one thing nice – recognize established patterns.
• You may move a particular person closer or further away depending on the circumstances – for example, you might go to a party with someone, but never lend them money.

You’ll find more examples of the effective use of methods like the Nine Circles of Trust in personal and work life in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

In which circle would you place the people in your life if you trusted that your estimates of what they’re likely to do?

"How to Stop Bullies" book reviewed in Denver Business Journal

On January 25, 2008, the Denver Business Journal reviewed "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks."  Here's what they said in "Ben's book on bullying tells how to stop them." "Ben Leichtling, who writes the monthly 'The Human Element' column for the Denver Business Journal, has published 'How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks' (www.BulliesBeGone.com, $19.95). He describes the book as '20 case studies of people who succeeded against controllers, critics, manipulators, emotional intimidators and self-bullying,' and it's a companion book to his earlier tome, 'Bullies Below the Radar.'

The book is loaded with real-life examples - including some from the workplace.

Since 1985, Leichtling has been a consultant, psychotherapist and life coach-advisor."

I'd add only that people are catching on to my tips because I get lots of comments like: That's why I could never make it work with my ex-wife or that's why I always lose my self-confidence when I'm with my boss or now I know what to do with my control-freak sister or I've stopped my hostile, manipulative teen.