Recession-induced fear and stress stimulate self-bullying

Mostpeople are afraid of the economic forecast.  Some have lost jobs; more will.  Some have lost retirement funds; more will.  Some have lost hope; more will.  Fear and stress stimulate mostpeople to huddle around the campfire, worrying, whining and complaining about their uncertain future.  They convince themselves that they’re too weak and helpless to succeed.  They’re victims together. A long, cold recession or depression is the consensus prediction.  But that’s not the prediction for my life and it doesn’t have to be for yours either.  And that’s not because I have guaranteed money flowing in or I’m sure my business will be immune to the next little ice age.  There’s a different reason.

We each have self bullies.

The little, self-bullying voices:

• Know our every fear and weakness, our every mistake and sin.
• Demean and ridicule us, discourage and depress us.
• Predict failure, as if they want to make us lose hope and give up.
• Don’t like us even though they pretend to be trying to help us.
• That are so persuasive.

We know where we heard those voices that told us they knew better – our parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, ministers, schoolmates, peers.  We know how we made their voices into our self-bullying voices.

I refuse to listen to self bullying.  I refuse to be a victim of my times and circumstances.  You also can rise above mostpeople.

Don’t be a victim of your past.  History is not destiny.  Command yourself.  Ignore self-bullies.  Our self-bullying voices do not know what’s best for us, do not know the future and can’t accurately predict that we’ll fail.

Of course, the economy is lousy and times will be hard.  Most of us won’t be able to maintain our previous standard of living.  Mostpeople are angry because they thought they were guaranteed increasing wealth and security if they did things right.

We haven’t been trained to survive a depression.  So what?  We can survive and even thrive.

Think about what our ancestors survived.  There has always been rotten weather like recessions and depressions, poverty and war.  They’re part of the natural weather cycles – hurricanes, tornadoes, snow and ice storms, avalanches, droughts or floods, earthquakes and tsunamis.  There have also been plagues, famine, pestilence and war.

If we let recession-induced fear and self bullying sap our strength and will, we won’t have the right stuff, we won’t act skillfully and the economic tide will pull us under.  We have within us the inheritance of an unbroken line of people who thrived.  We have within us the seeds of strength, courage and joy.

These economic ice ages have happened in America before.  For example, economic crashes occurred in about 1787, 1819, 1837, 1857, 1873, 1897, 1907 and the great depression from 1929-1941.  The rest of the world had similar experiences.

What can we do when we get down on ourselves?  We need WILL and SKILL.

• In order to succeed, we must choose to ignore self bullying, choose to command ourselves, choose to create the futures we want, no matter what the circumstances.  As individuals, we must have the WILL to persevere, with grit, determination and resilience.

Call that hyper-critical, fear-mongering side of us a “self-bully” so we’ll react with passion and power against it.  So we’ll rally ourselves against its words.  We wouldn’t lie down in front of those old bullies and we wouldn’t let ourselves be abused by bullies now.

• We need SKILL to ignore our self-bullying voices – turn off the discouraging TV; stop listening to people moaning, whining and complaining; stop listening to victim stories.  Walk away politely from mostpeople who wallow in the dumps of fear and panic.  If you’ve kept your job, don’t wallow in survivor’s guilt.  Get off the emotional roller coaster.

Find friends who don’t waste their time worrying about the economy, but instead handle things in as little time and with as little wasted energy as possible.  Find friends with inner lights that give them joy even when they don’t have all the comforts and toys they once did.  Become such a friend.

When the self bullying voices start again, tell them we’ve heard all that before and if they want to help us, they can use a different voice and become encouraging coaches that strengthen our spirits.  Fill the IMAX screen of our minds with the future we hope we’ll have and the friends we want in our lives.  Throw ourselves into activities like physical exercise.  Don’t feed our addictions; eat well.  Feed our spirits with movies, music and books that lift up our spirits and renew our energy.

• We need SKILL to make plans to keep our jobs or find others, to spend less while still treating our spirits better.  We need skill to get over our feelings, plans and expectations.  Loss of riches, comforts and dreams is not really the end of the world.  Get going again.

Find a coach to keep your spirits up and organize your efforts.  Read the self-bullying section in "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks."

While the growing recession is the world in which I function, it’s not the world in which I live.  I invite you wonderful people to enter the world that is waiting for you, if you but have the courage to take the first steps.

"What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."    Ralph Waldo Emerson

What can you do if the new bosses want to fire you?

I received a number of confidential responses to my blog post on “Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace.”  One theme in many responses was about the question: “What should I do if leadership has changed and the new bosses want me gone so they can bring in their own people?” That’s a situation I’ve also seen many times in my consulting.

What would you do?

Consider Jake.  The new bosses want him gone so they can bring in people they know or people who will be beholden to them.  Jake tries to prove to them that he’s a great manager, but they systematically undercut his authority.  He used to get good evaluations, but his new bosses are very critical.  They blame him for everything that goes wrong with his team.  He’s the scapegoat.

Jake is furious.  It’s unfair; they’re bullies and he’s being abused.  He’s a good worker and he’s trying hard.  He wants to meet them half way, but they don’t want to.  Nothing he does convinces them he’s a good performer.  He’s hurt, frustrated and angry.  Jake wants to fight back, but when he acts on his anger, they write him up.  It’s a hostile workplace.

I think Jake is beginning at the wrong place – how can I fight back and show them I’m good?  How can I preserve my reputation with them?  Jake can’t fight back by showing them that he’s a good manager, team leader and individual performer.  He can’t preserve his reputation with them.  They don’t care.  He’s not an individual to them.

Of course it’s hard to be treated that way.  One of the hardest things for us as Americans in our little slice of time is not to be treated as individuals.  Jake is being treated as a class of people: He’s in the class of people called, “Hired by the old bosses and not one of our new people.”  When you're treated that way, there's little you, as an individual, can do to change their minds.  Unless you can get them to see you as an individual.

The new bosses criticize him as if he’s a problem employee.  Jake takes their hostility personally.  He returns their hostility and wants to prove himself.  But he’s not a poor employee and it’s not personal, even though it has personal consequences for him.

When he takes it personally, he can’t think tactically and he makes it worse for himself.  When he gets frustrated, hurt and angry, he acts out and gives them excuses they can document for getting rid of him rapidly.  He gets poor evaluations and terminated before he finds another job.

This situation is similar to that of Charles, case study #10 in my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

I think that the place Jake has to begin is, “Who should I be/how should I look at it?”  Here’s what I mean.

Amy is in the same position as Jake: the new bosses want to get rid of her and many other leaders in the company.  Unlike Jake, she accepts that it’s not about her as an individual, even though it has individual consequences for her.  With coaching, she doesn’t take it personally.  She doesn’t like it any more than Jake does, but she can step back and plan her tactics thoughtfully.  How can she defend herself?

First she asks if there’s anything she can do to become one of the new team.  The answer is, “No.”  She doesn’t like what’s happening, so she finds out if they’re violating any protected categories.  Are they going after people on the basis of gender, age, race, religion, disabilities, etc?  No, it’s the new broom sweeping clean.

She doesn’t want bad evaluations on her record, so she makes them an offer: “If you give me good evaluations, recommendations and severance while I look for another job, I’ll go quietly and gracefully in a shorter time than it will take you to force me out.”  They agree.  They just want her gone as soon as they can and with as little fuss as they can.  With a good recommendation, Amy rapidly gets a better job as part of someone’s new team.  The severance enables her to get double pay for a few months.

Notice Amy’s sequence:

1. Don’t take it personally and defend yourself by thinking tactically.
2. See if you have a legal grievance.
3. If the deck is stacked against you, plan to leave with good recommendations.
4. Bargain for time to get a better job with people who appreciate you.

Jake needs to change how he looks at it so that he can change his impossible goals - getting the bosses to see him as a worthy individual they should keep or leaving with them thinking he’s as good an employee as he really is.  They don’t care about his feelings or the truth about how he’s performed.  But they’d rather keep things civil and pleasant enough for them, and maybe squeeze a little work out of him or just squeeze him because they don't like the old team.

Amy is glad to be gone and happy at her new job.  Jake is still bitter.  That shows up when he interviews for new jobs.

I know it sounds unfair, but there it is.

What’s been your experience?

Managers who act like therapists victimize their whole team

Good managers respond to their employees’ personal problems and the distractions of their major, joyous events, like weddings and births.  But what happens when a manager tries to be the therapist for a few underperforming and troubled employees, but fails to fix them? The managers, who go overboard and become therapists, focus their attention on a few employees who are having major internal problems.  These employees usually:

• Can’t stand the stress of meeting deadlines or reasonable performance standards.
• Are so involved in their personal problems that they can’t be counted on – or they can be counted on to drop the ball.
• Blow up and attack their co-workers – overtly or by backbiting, rumor mongering or constant negativity.
• Feel entitled to special treatment because they’re suffering

These managers think they’re sensitive and caring; not bullying, slave-driving bosses.  But actually, they’re caring only about a few of the staff, while they make the rest pick up the slack and put up with being used and abused.  Essentially, these managers are playing favorites: They managers care for a few employees while they victimize and bully the majority of their staff.  They sacrifice the many for the sake of the few.

Inevitably, turnover of solid performers increases.  I’ve seen 25 % turnover per year in these situations.  Inevitably also, these become hostile workplaces as frustration and anger increase.  New employees bail as soon as they can.  Performance also suffers as morale and teamwork plummet.

If these managers listened to evaluations by the majority of their staff, they’d get an earful.

These managers aren’t rescuers; they’re meddlers.  Most are difficult to turn around because they’re addicted to their role as meddlers.  But if they’re willing to look honestly at the mess they create, coaching and consulting can reverse the problems.  They can eliminate the high cost of their addictive meddling and the low attitudes of a few people on their staff.

I see therapist managers imost often n government offices, non-profits and public service organizations.

I see therapist managers most often in government offices, non-profits and public service organizations.

Have you seen any managers like these?

How do you know if someone is your friend?

Dana is a seven-year old with a good heart.  In order to help a new girl, Amanda, break into her school, Dana befriends her.  She talks to the girl, hangs out with her on the playground and even has her mother arrange play-dates.  Dana is cheerful and popular, and her efforts are successful.  Other children also become friends with Amanda. But, even in the beginning of their friendship Amanda often manipulates, controls and bullies Dana.  Dana wonders, “Is Amanda really my friend and what should I do?”  Here’s what Amanda does.

Actually, Amanda is a manipulative, controlling stealth bully.  Stealth bullies are:

• Selfish – When Dana won’t do what Amanda wants, Amanda gets angry.  She yells that Dana is bad.  Amanda insists that her opinions matter more than Dana’s.
• Critical – She criticizes Dana’s clothes and what Dana likes to do.  She’s gleeful when she points out Dana’s mistakes.  She’s always putting Dana down, topping her, countering her and staying one-up.  She’s always right and righteous about it.
• Hyper-sensitive – When Dana plays with other girls, Amanda says that her feelings are hurt.  According to Amanda, Dana is her best friend and she’s supposed to play only with Amanda.  Amanda says that the only way Dana can make her feel good is for Dana to do what she wants.
• Deceitful – Amanda doesn’t apply that rule to herself.  She feels perfectly free to play with whoever she wants to.  She even snubs Dana when she wants to become “best friends” for a while with the other person.
• Righteous finger-pointers – Amanda is always right and when her feelings are hurt, it’s 100 percent Dana’s fault. She always blames Dana.

Dana is mystified.  Amanda says that she’s Dana’s best friend but Dana often feels verbally abused and emotionally intimidated.  Amanda stimulates Dana’s self-doubt and insecurity.  Dana doesn’t know what she’s done wrong when Amanda is hurt and angry.

Since Dana doesn’t identify Amanda as a stealth bully, she doesn’t resist Amanda’s attempts to manipulate and control her.

My coaching with Dana’s parents awakens them to the problem.  Their daughter is being manipulated and controlled.  I teach them how to help Dana recognize the patterns of Amanda’s manipulating.

So, how can Dana decide if Amanda is really her friend?  Dana and her parents make a list based on her interactions with Amanda – what would a true friend do in each of those situations?  Using this simple method, Dana can see that Amanda hasn’t done any of those things.  Dana recognizes that Amanda is a stealth bully.

Actions speak louder than words.  Actions show you who’s a true friend.  Reasons, justifications and excuses don’t.  Just like the expression, “Follow the money,” I use the expression, “Follow the actions.”

Dana’s parents help her accept that she’s done nothing wrong.  Amanda is the one with the problem.  Amanda doesn’t know how to be a good friend. 

But the important question for Dana is not, “Is Amanda my friend?”  The important question is, “Do I want to be with a person who acts like that, whether or not she calls herself my friend?”  Whatever Amanda’s upbringing and family problems are, she will have to act better if she wants to be with Dana.

Dana is now well on her way to breaking the pattern and creating a bully-free personal space.  She’s learned a valuable lesson she’ll need in junior high school.

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don’t be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?

A bully on line in the post office

There's power in recognizing and labeling bullies.  If we don't recognize what's going on, if we see hostile aggressive people as normal people, and think that somehow we're the problem because we keep them from getting what they want or deserve, we will let them take advantage of us.  When we recognize and label bullies, we get the courage and strength to stop them in their tracks.  We protect our boundaries; we clean up the trash in our personal ecology. We've all been frustrated waiting in line.  Last week, I was being waited on at the post office during the Christmas rush, when a large, 30-something man carrying a bunch of letters got behind six people waiting their turn.  He called out to the clerk, "I want to go next because I have a quick question and I don't want to wait."  He started to move to the front.

Everyone in the post office froze.  Tension and hostility were so thick you could cut them with a knife.  I could see the frustration and anger on the faces of everyone in line, while they thought of what to do.  They were in a hurry too.

There's a lot we don't know about the situation I watched unfold.  Notice that he didn't ask any of the people in front of him if he could cut in, he asked he harried clerk.  What could she do?

If you were one of the six people ahead of him in line, would you say something or would you let him go ahead of you?  If you think of him as a merely jerk, you'd probably let him push ahead and make you wait.

Why do I label him a bully and what happened?

A tiny, young woman (18-20 years old) said politely, "Wait a minute.  Wait your turn.  I have only one package.  The rest of us have only a few things and we've been waiting also."

Since the boundary pushing bully originally asked the clerk, not the people in line, I had seen one of the early warning signs of a bully.  Now, the bully acted blatantly.  He started walking to the front of the line while saying to the young woman, in a hostile, belligerent tone, "What, are you some kind of smart a--?"  Now, that's a bad attitude on a difficult person.

That's also a moment of truth for everyone on line!  What would you do?

One person in line just looked away angrily, pretending they weren't being abused.  Another victim said sarcastically, while giving way, "Well, if you insist."  But the young woman responded, "You still can't cut in ahead of me.  Get to the end of the line or come back later."  A middle aged woman said, "Yeah.  Who do you think you are?  We're all in a hurry.  Get to the end of the line."  An older man said, "Wait your turn like the rest of us."

Amazingly, the boundary pusher didn't attack with more hostility, nor did he curse and leave.  He stepped back in line to wait his turn.  It was as if the bully was just pushing whatever boundaries he could, until someone stopped him in his tracks.  Suddenly, the line got cheerful.  The three people who stopped the bully, started talking to each other.  The person who looked away, thanked the three for being brave.  The victim who was willing to give way also thanked them saying, "I hate being polite to hostile, rude, obnoxious people, but I never want to make a scene.  I was taught to be nice to everyone."

This is a minor incident.  But these abusive people cause hostility at school, and with families, children, parenting and relationships.  They also create a hostile workplace. The point is clear.  Bullies push boundaries until you stop them.  If you allow bullies to trash your personal ecology, you'll feel belittled, victimized and a little dirty.  If you recognize and label bullies, you'll find the energy to stop them in their tracks.

You can develop the will and improve your skill to stop bullies in their tracks at work and in your personal life.  Use my expert, individually customized coaching, consulting, speaking, books and CDs.

What do you think?

What happens when a conflict avoidant manager doesn't stop a bullying employee?

Bullying bosses are common but how about a hostile, abusive employee?  Barbara has a bad attitude: she's difficult, hypersensitive and harasses co-workers and even her supervisor.  If anyone disagrees with her or gives her feedback, she gets hurt feelings, claims she's a victim of harassment and pitches a temper tantrum.  She cries, yells, stomps off to her office and slams the door.  She fumes and gives the loud silent treatment.  The insensitive offender must grovel in public in order to be forgiven.  Her clique also badmouths the perpetrator.  Barbara has done this for years. The result: a hostile workplace; low morale and poor productivity; high sick leave, absenteeism and 33% turnover per year.  Barbara's bullying sets the tone in the office.  Some people suck up to her by being nasty to people she doesn't like.  Other people gossip, backstab and become grumpy.  Second-guessing, mind-reading and vendettas spread.  No one wants to come to work.   Everyone wastes time looking over their shoulders and focusing on the melodrama and tension Barbara causes.  It's a workplace soap opera.

Claire has been a conflict avoidant manager for 20 years.  She wants to be liked.  She has explained the problem to Barbara.  She's tried to improve Barbara's bad attitude and to educate her on the effects of her abusive behavior.  But Barbara feels righteous.  She feels wronged, abused and harassed.  She claims that she's a victim.  She turns her attacks on Claire for being negative and critical, and lowering her morale.

Do you think Claire simply needs to explain things better to Barbara?  What skills do you think Claire needs?

Suppose you were Claire's new manager.  What would you do with Claire and Barbara?

Since Claire's conflict avoidance, and Barbara and her clique were entrenched, it took months of coaching and consulting implementation to turn the department around.  But by the next year, they were winning awards for team performance and customer service.