Stop a 4-Year Old Bully

A New York Times blog post by Lisa Belkin, “A Bully at Age 4?” raises the question, “How young is too young to be a bully?” A comment from a parent described a big 4-year old child hitting other 4-year old kids at school, not allowing other kids to play if he didn’t feel like it, biting another kid so severely through a thick jumper that bad marks were left, and punching another child in front of a teacher.  The teacher asked the bully to apologize but the bully refused.  The teacher did nothing further.

The parent wanted to know if the 4-year old was old enough to intend to hurt his victims and if he was a “bully?”  Since the school wasn’t taking this seriously, the parent wondered if she was overreacting or if she should do something to protect her child?

In trying to define bullying and in thinking she shouldn’t act if the aggressor hadn’t intended to hurt his targets, I think the parent is taking the wrong approach.

Instead, she should begin by asking what she wants for her child.  Do you want your child hit, bitten, cut out of games, punched?  Don’t intellectualize about it.  Don’t give excuses for the bully (For example: "He’s too young to understand the pain he’s causing").

If you want your child repeatedly abused, if you want to leave your child in the hands of teachers and administrators who won’t protect your child when he’s harassed or attacked by someone bigger turn your back and leave your child to the predators.

On the other hand, if you don’t want your child brutalized, maybe a little outrage would serve you well.  Would you allow your children to do that to each other?  If you want your child to be treated with civility and kindness, then you must act with courage and strength.  Don’t wait to act until you’re absolutely positive that a kid’s behavior has risen into some mental category you can label “bully.”

If your child is too small to fight back, you have to protect him.  Get the parents of other targeted kids to go en masse to the school principal and teachers.  Hold them accountable to stop bullies like that abusive 4-year old.  Apologies are never enough, but there are many options for meaningful and effective consequences: He can be given an all-day time out, he can be socialized while he's kept away from his targets, his parents can be held accountable for his behavior, and he can probably be kicked out of school if he won’t change his behavior.

If the school administrators are reluctant to protect the children in their care, you might explain what a little publicity can do.  For example; would they like a national story on their school, “School Condones Bullying Despite Parents’ Protest”?  Or simply move your child to a different school in which the responsible adults care about his emotional health and physical safety.

As an aside, in my experience, 4-year olds know if they can get what they want by brutalizing or abusing another kid.  If their bullying isn’t stopped when they’re children, they’ll grow up to be adult bullies; in love and at work.  But intention to hurt is not the issue.  You can stop the bullying even before a child understands all the ramifications of that behavior.  The child’s understanding of the consequences that will happen to him can be enough to stop the behavior.

Also of course, your 4-year old is finding out whether he can count on you to keep him safe and healthy or if you won’t protect him.  If you justify or excuse the bully’s actions, you’ll be ruining your child’s self-confidence and self-esteem.  All your life, you’ll live with the consequences of your actions and his decision about you.

School Anti-Bullying Laws: Arkansas Needs to Protect Kids

Why do we need federal laws to make bullying a crime and to require schools to have anti-bullying policies? The saga of Billy Wolfe should be enough to convince you.  Over a year ago, the New York Times reported that Billy was being bullied relentlessly by two bigger guys from his high school in Fayetteville, Arkansas.  He was beaten up in a bathroom at school and on the school bus and in shop class and in Spanish class.  The bullies put up a Facebook page harassing him.  A brother of one of the bullies even recorded on his cell phone camera, the bully getting out of a car, walking up to an unsuspecting Billy, who was waiting at a bus stop, punching him hard enough to leave a fist-size welt on his forehead and then showing the video around the school.

The authorities did nothing while the violence and brutality went on for three years.  Billy’s parents tried to get the bully’s parents and the school authorities to stop the bullying but the assistant principal, Byron Lynn Zeigler, did nothing to stop it.

Oh, he said it was Billy’s fault and immediately suspended him.  He blamed the victim.  Days later Ziegler watched the recording and showed Billy’s parents that their son was innocent.  But he didn’t stop the bullies.

Billy’s parents finally went to court.  After almost a year, the court has ruled on whether to keep considering the motions on behalf of Billy.

Why do Billy and his parents need laws?   Why do we need to require schools to have anti-bullying policies?

According to the story by Scott F. Davis in the Northwest Arkansas Times, although the court kept intact many of the charges, it ruled that the plaintiffs (Billy and his parents) failed to show that the school had an official policy that led to the alleged problems surrounding bullying.

Let’s put that in simple English.  Assistant principal Ziegler argued that since the school didn’t have an official policy supporting bullying, it wasn’t the school’s fault that bullying occurred on school premises and they can’t be held liable for the bullying.  Also, since the school didn’t have official anti-bullying policies, Ziegler didn’t have to stop the bullying; even that part of the bullying that occurred on school grounds.  The court agreed.

Because there are no laws specifically about bullying and beating kids up, Billy’s parents had to try to use laws that are on the books against sexual harassment.

Now do you understand the need for laws that would require administrators to take proactive measures to prevent bullying on school grounds and also laws that would require administrators to stop bullying that’s brought to their attention?

The teenagers at school all knew what was going on.  They saw the cell phone video.  They knew that the legitimate authorities had turned their backs and given the bullies a free hand.  When the responsible authorities allow bullies to control the turf, they allow violence and scapegoating, harassment and brutality.

Billy may have tried to fight back, but that doesn’t make him the problem.  That just makes him one child against two bigger kids.  And with the size disparity that often happens in middle school and high school, he can’t win without adult help.  When his parents went to the school, way back at the beginning when it was only threats, the district wouldn’t act.

I’m sensitive to principals that don’t protect the victims because I’m from Denver.  Remember Columbine High School.

Of course, the bullies’ parents are to blame for allowing their sons to act that way.  But when schools tolerate bullying, the real problems are the administrators (principals and assistants) and teachers.

Have those ignorant, cowardly principals in Fayetteville not learned anything.  There are many schools in the country which don’t tolerate bullying because the principals won’t tolerate it and, therefore, their teachers and staff won’t either.  And the successful ones have no better statutes to back them.  However, they do have consciences.

Whatever the court decides on the basis of law; shame on those adults.  They have shamed themselves and their community.  They are definitely not models who should be allowed to teach or administer for children.

On an individual basis, parents must teach children how to face the real world in which they’ll meet bullies all their lives, even if the children are small and outnumbered.  That’s independent of the type of bullying – cyber bullying, physical bullying or verbal harassment or abuse.  Help your children get out of their previous comfort zones and stop bullies.

True bullies will take empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  It will encourage them, like sharks, to attack us more.  Bullies will show you how far you need to go to stop them.

Read “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids.”  Get coaching to design tactics that fit your specific situation.  Take charge of your personal space.

Repeated bullying tolerated by school officials

What would you do if you were the principal of a school in which a boy’s brother records on his cell phone camera the boy getting out of the car, walking up to an unsuspecting Billy Wolfe waiting at a bus stop, punching him hard enough to leave a fist-size welt on his forehead and then showing the video around the school? What would you do when Billy gets beaten up in the bathroom or on the school bus or in shop class or in Spanish class or has a harassing facebook page directed at him?  What would you do if that violence and brutality went on for three years?

What would you do if you were the parents of the bullies?

In his column in the New York Times, “A Boy the Bullies Love to Beat Up, Repeatedly,” Dan Barry documents what really was done.  In Fayetteville, Arkansas, the authorities did nothing at all or nothing effective.  Mostly, they said it was Billy’s fault.  They blamed the victim.  The school bus incident was on tape but the Principal suspended Billy and only days later watched the tape and showed Billy’s parents that their son was innocent.

Because the authorities and administrators didn’t stop the bullies, it went on three years and it’s still going on now.

Of course, the school district mouths platitudes about a program to promote tolerance and respect, and protecting the identity of the perpetrators.  They try to convert bullies, but they don’t stop bullies first.  The district doesn’t want to get sued.  That seems more important than doing anything effective.  Maybe they’ll do something if Billy’s parents sue the district.

The kids at school all know what’s going on.  They know that the legitimate authorities have turned their backs and given the bullies a free hand.  When the responsible authorities allow bullies to control the turf, they allow violence and scape-goating, harassment and brutality.

Billy may have tried to fight back, but that doesn’t make him the problem.  That just makes him one child against a gang.  And with the size disparity that often happens in middle school and high school, he can’t win without adult help.  When his parents went to the schools, way back at the beginning when it was only threats, the district wouldn’t act.

Billy needs to be extremely resilient in order to graduate and create a better life for himself.  Otherwise he might end up like the cyberbullying suicide case that was in the news a while ago.

I’m sensitive to principals that don’t protect the victims because I’m from Denver.  Remember Columbine High School.  Have those ignorant, cowardly principals in Fayetteville not learned anything.  There are many schools in the country in which bullying isn’t tolerated because the principals won’t tolerate it and, therefore, their teachers and staff won’t either.  And they’re bound by the same laws as in Fayetteville.

Shame on those adults.  They have shamed their community.

If I was Billy’s coach, I’d encourage him to stay strong on the inside and keep fighting, no matter what happens on the outside.  Have the grit to thrive despite adults who fail!

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don’t be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?

Teen acquitted in punch

Here in Colorado, the big news today is about a black teen acquitted for punching one of two teens who were taunting, harassing and threatening him.  See below for details from some of the news stories. Good for you Randall Nelson.

For parents of young children and teens, I'm commenting on one aspect that I often hear from well-meaning parents.  They tell their children not to fight; fighting is wrong, it only leads to more fighting.  They tell their children to understand that bullies have suffered and to forgive bullies.  They tell their children that forgiveness, kindness and negotiation will solve every situation peacefully.  As Randall Nelson's case illustrates for every teen, of any color, race, religion, sex, that's nonsense.  So, what do I think Randall should have done?

I think Randall did great; just what he should have done.  Randall Nelson tried not fighting back.  That's a good first approach.  He got the authorities involved.  That's a good second step, but they didn't stop it.  If those two steps don't work, you'd better have an effective back up plan.  Randall had the right back up plan.

Parents, if you coerce your children and prevent them from fighting even as a last resort, you leave them like defenseless sheep in a world that has wolves.  As I said about work bullies in a recent article in the Denver Business Journal (January 11, 2008, page A28),

"Bullies will interpret [your] reasonableness as weakness … They will remain hostile and righteous.  They will escalate their emotional abuse into a feeding frenzy." 

Teach your children and teens to protect themselves.  Don't encourage them to endure verbal abuse or emotional intimidation.  You'd be encouraging them to become insecure victims of bullies and predators. Instead, help increase their self-reliance, confidence and self-esteem.  This theme of teaching children and teens to face the real work also mentioned in the blog entry, "Cyberbullying suicide case."

You can learn more detailed methods through my books, coaching and speaking.

I think it was Kfir who said,

 "Except for ending slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, war has never solved anything!"

Some of the articles describing Randall's case are: "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Teen acquitted of assault in racial case," and "Black teen acquitted in punch," and "Teen who faced racial taunts acquitted after breaking 2nd teen's jaw."