Marie couldn’t run a productive meeting. Even after leadership training to fix the problem, her teams’ meetings lost focus, ran way over their scheduled times and repeatedly became time-wasters.
She couldn’t see why she had these problems. She’d prepared ahead, the meetings had agendas, she solicited input and she always sought consensus. So what was wrong?
The reason was clear to an outside observer. She had saboteurs on each of her two teams and she didn’t know how to deal with them. Their negativity was destroying morale, teamwork and productivity.
Marie agreed with my diagnoses, but didn’t know what she could do to stop the sneaky, manipulative bullying. She didn’t want to be an autocratic, know-it-all manager and unilaterally make decisions. So, she always scheduled additional meetings at which she hoped the teams could reach consensus and move ahead.
Also she couldn’t imagine how to change the bullies’ attitudes and abuse legally. She had already dropped hints to both of them, but they hadn’t altered their behavior.
Neither Larry nor Harry thought of himself as a bully or a saboteur, but these terms crystallized Marie’s resolve to stop their behavior, no matter what it took. She shifted from feeling helpless to being angry and determined.
The Colorado House of Representatives is considering a bill to stop school bullying (House Bill 1254). In an effort by some legislators “to be proactive…so we don’t have a sensational suicide in [Colorado],” the core of the bill will:
Create a committee to study the problem.
Set up an agency to solicit funds for training of teachers on how to combat bullying (when funds are available from public and private sources).
Require use of uniforms to “encourage school pride and unity and promote uniformity of dress.”
Set up a voluntary statewide survey of schoolchildren about bullying in their schools.
Bar teachers or school administrators from punishing students who report bullying.
The program would continue until July 1, 2016, at which point its effectiveness would be reviewed.
To be honest, this means nothing. But it allows legislators to say they’re doing something to stop bullies and bullying.
Notice there is:
No requirement that principals, teachers, counselors and district administrators are required to have proactive programs designed to stop harassment, taunting, teasing, bullying or abuse.
No consequences or legal penalties for school officials who don’t stop bullies or who actively protect bullies or who remove victims from classes and activities while still allowing bullies and their friends complete access to their targets.
If you don’t think that principals and other school officials ignore bullying, then read about the many suicides that have occurred in the past year. In almost every case, the parents say that they talked to principals many times over 6-12 months, but the principals now claim that they didn’t know what was happening. Also, consider why they need a law to “Bar teachers or school administrators from punishing students who report bullying.”
“Jane Urschel, executive director of the Colorado Association of School Boards, said the bill would not only be burdensome for schools who will have to form and adopt a new bullying policy, but it also asks them to address an issue they are already acutely aware of. This bill would put mandates on districts that they can’t afford. The school districts are not ignoring this issue and want every child to be safe. Schools already have a handle on this.”
“Rep. Robert Ramirez, R-Westminster, has already said he is skeptical of the need for it. ‘I have a huge problem with legislating personal behavior. Bullying is something that is already addressed by schools as incidents occur. A state law isn’t going to change anything.’”
I’d point out that:
School officials do not have a handle on this. In answer to Ms. Urschel and Representative Ramirez, the problem is that there are no laws that require principals to stop bullies. That’s why there are so many cases in Colorado in which bullying is tolerated, which means condoned. For example, see the investigative report by Theresa Marchetta of KMGH-TV (ABC affiliate in Colorado). Without laws, principals can do nothing to stop bullies and be safe from personal consequences. In addition, with no additional funding, many schools in Colorado with principals who want to prevent bullying manage to do so. I live in Colorado and have grandchildren in some of those schools.
When there are no laws or there are no penalties for breaking laws, people do what they want with impunity. Can you imagine how effective laws against robbery and murder would be if there were no penalties? How effective would child labor laws or laws to prevent unsafe working conditions be with no penalties?
We know what will change the whole system. It’s not suicides. It’s when principals, teachers, counselors and school district administrators are fired for not protecting our children. It’s when law suits are successful against officials who are being paid to be responsible for protecting children but fail in that primary duty. Suddenly, all the excuses and foot dragging will be gone. A few principals will quit and I’ll applaud. The rest will magically discover reasons why and how they can make programs that stop bullying. In other contexts it’s called “skin in the game.” Right now, school officials don’t have any skin in the game.
I’d think that Ms. Urschel and Representative Ramirez were actually interested in stopping bullying if they came forward with strong, realistic, effective proposals of their own, complete with penalties, instead of merely being critics.
According to the Colorado Trust Bullying Initiative, of students surveyed in 2008:
* 57 percent reported verbal bullying
* 33 percent reported physical bullying
* 10 percent reported online bullying
If your children are the targets of bullies and school officials who aren’t protecting them, you need to take charge. With expert coaching and consulting, we can become strong and skilled enough to overcome principals and other officials who won’t do what’s right. We can plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.
An article by Hillary Stout in the New York Times, “For Some Parents, Shouting is the New Spanking,” focuses on the damage to children done by parents’ shouting and, therefore, the need for parents to control their tempers.
Although I agree that a steady diet of shouting and bullying isn’t a good way for well-meaning, devoted parents to act, the experts in the article miss the real source of the problem and, therefore, the real solution.
Those experts point out that the proper way to be a good parent is “never spank their children,” “friend our teenagers,” “spend hours teaching our elementary-school offspring how to understand their feelings,” “reminding, nagging, timeout, counting 1-2-3” and “have a good interaction based on reason.”
I disagree with their basic assumptions about good parenting and their solution that parents should control their tempers.
Of course, repeated sarcasm, criticism, beatings and abuse are bad parenting. I’m talking here to frustrated, well-meaning, devoted parents; not abusive bullies.
Good parenting sometimes involves spanking, has nothing to do with “friending,” is not focused on teaching children to merely understand their feelings and is not usually about good interactions based on reason. Reason is only a small part of being an effective parent, especially when the children are young.
Children are exquisitely adept at knowing your true limitations and which buttons to push. It’s a survival skill for them. They know exactly how many times you’ll yell before you act. They distinguish between yelling and threatening that won’t be followed up, and the “Mom” or “Dad” look and voice that means you will act. And they perform a precise calculus based on how much they’ll get the next time versus a punishment and your guilt this time. They know when they can get unreasonable and stubborn, and win. They also know that if you blow up and yell now, they’ll win later.
What leads to repeated shouting is frustration. Those parents have so limited their allowed responses that they’re no longer effective – the kids know that they don’t have to do what the parents want and nothing serious will happen. Those parents have taught their children to be stubborn and unreasonable in order to win. See the case study of Paula as she stops being bullied by her daughter Stacy in "How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks."
Those parents’ lack of creativity and effectiveness increases their frustration until they blow up and shout. Then those parents feel guilty, apologize, give the kids more power and set in motion the next cycle of not getting listened to leading to more frustration and further shouting.
The solution is for parents to take charge and be parents – speak and act straight. Decide – as age, stage and specific kid appropriate – what decisions you make and when the child simply must obey, and what decisions the kid gets to make and within what limits. In your areas, it’s nice if the child understands your needs and reasons, but you’ll never convince a two or sixteen year-old by reasoning that your way is best and they should be happy not getting what they want.
Sometimes you must be firm about your sense of urgency, which is not matched by theirs. Sometimes, your needs and wishes must be taken into account. You’re not their slave or servant all the time. They don’t get what they want every time. More important than helping them understand their feelings is teaching them how to deal effectively when they’re feeling demanding or angry or frustrated or needy.
And some kids seem to want to be punished sometimes. Really, they do. And they feel much better afterward. When you’ve gone through the sequence of reminding and timeout without effect, a spank is sometimes the best thing to do.
Your frustration and shouting is a message to you that you’re not being effective. You need to do more than merely learn the latest technique; you need to change the limits you place on yourself. That will open up other ways to making them do what you need when you’re under pressure.
Good parenting means that you can say, “Here’s the way it is. I need to move fast and I insist that you do the same.” Or “You don’t vote on this decision and we’ll talk about it later.” Of course, you will talk about it later. Or “I’m not taking you there today. I need to unwind right now over a latte. I love you. Now go read and leave me alone for a while.” Of course, most of the time we devoted parents will take them to places they want to go.
Don’t reason more than once with a five year-old who doesn’t want to brush her teeth, “You’re making a bad decision,” as those experts suggest. Simply say, “In our family, we brush our teeth, so you will.”
It’s not, as those experts say, that “Yelling parents reflect a complete inability to express themselves in any meaningful, thoughtful, useful or constructive way.” It’s that yelling parents aren’t allowing themselves to express the right thought, which is that “I, the parent, am drawing the line here and you will do what I want. I have good reasons. I hope you understand now and I know you’ll understand later. But even if you don’t understand, you will do what I want now.”
In addition to what I learned professionally, we have six, now-grown children who taught me that well-meaning parents yell when they’re irritable, anxious, pressured, overwhelmed and frustrated because they don’t know how else to make things work for them
