Stop Bullies: Girls Bullying Girls

Just as many girls as boys are bullies but girls more often target other girls. Girls do bully other girls physically.  One publicized example is the Florida girls who beat up a classmate and then posted the video on YouTube.

However, most girl-girl bullying is verbal and emotional.  Seven of the nine bullies were girls in the publicized case that led to the recent suicide of Phoebe Prince.  Their attacks on Phoebe were choreographed, strategically planned and relentlessly executed.  The abuse was verbal, physical and through cyber space.

“Mean girls” are masters of catty remarks, put-downs, scorn, mockery, criticism, sarcasm, cyber bullying and forming cliques led by a Queen Bee.  Mean girls are also masters of covert, “stealth bullying;” backstabbing, rumor-mongering, telling secrets, cutting out and spreading gossip and innuendo while pretending to be friends.

Girl bullies often are control-freaks and emotional blackmailers.  Common bullying statements are, “If you don’t do what I want, you’re not my best friend, “ or “My best friend wouldn’t talk to that other girl,” or “You hurt my feelings, you’re a false friend.”  They often set up boys to attack their targets.

Boys tend to use overt physical tactics more than girls.

Girls: it’s easy to tell if you’re being overtly bullied; it’s harder to tell if the bullying is stealthy.  You’re probably being bullied if you’re feeling controlled, forced to do things you don’t want to do, scared of what another girl might do to you, afraid of getting ostracized or ganged up on, or not wanting to go to school at all.  Trust your gut and talk to your parents no matter how reluctant you are.

Parents: the major signs that your daughter is being bullied are unexplained, 180 degree changes in behavior.  For example, no longer talking about school or friends, not wanting to be with classmates, spending all her time in her room, avoiding checking text messages, social web sites or answering the phone, no longer doing homework, not eating lunch at school, stopping after-school activities, wanting to change or quit school, loss of weight, chewing fingernails, not caring about appearance, can’t sleep, nightmares, loss of confidence and self-esteem, emotionally labile (crying suddenly alternating with explosive anger and temper tantrums alternating with despondency and depression – “I’m helpless, it’s hopeless”).  Be careful; teenagers typically go through periods of these behaviors.  Parents must check out the causes.  Be persistent.  Don’t be stopped by initial resistance. If your daughter is being bullied, parents must proceed down two paths simultaneously:

• Teach your daughter how to protect herself.
• Make teachers, principals and school district administrators protect targets.

Bullying at school is rarely an isolated event.  Usually there is a pervasive pattern of overlooking, minimizing, denying, tolerating or even encouraging bullying.  Strategies for how parents can proceed depend on the situations they’re dealing with; especially the people.  The bottom line is that most, but not all, principals want to avoid the subject, do nothing, cover-up with platitudes, avoid law suits and won’t confront bullying parents who protect their darling little bullies.

Beware of principals who think that their primary task is to understand, rehabilitate or therapeutize bullies.  You will have to get other parents involved and be very tactical in order to get principals to act firmly and effectively. There is one absolute “Don’t.”  Every female client and every woman who has interviewed me said that they were verbally bullied when they were young.  Unfortunately, their mothers told them, “Rise above the bully.  That bully is hurting so much inside that they’re taking their pain and inferiority out on you.  Understand and forgive them.  You’re better than they are.  If you act nice enough, people will return your kindness with kindness.”

Every one of these bullied women bears deep wounds including stress, anxiety, negative self-talk, lack of confidence and self-esteem problems.  They also bear an underlying hatred of their mothers for those messages.  Those messages are absolutely wrong.  Mothers must teach their daughters how to protect themselves, not how to act like willing victims.

Remember, the Golden Rule doesn’t stop real-world bullies.  Prepare your daughters for the real-world they’ll face in school, at work, in intimate relationships and with friends.

Stop Family Bullying Over a Favorite Child

The holidays may be over for a while but family harassment, bullying and abuse because of a favorite child still needs to be stopped.  Typical situations are where the parents:

• Praise, defend and give the best presents or position in the Will to their favorite child.
• Put down the rest of the children or designate one as the scapegoat.
• Ignore the faults of one child while continually criticizing the other children.
• Cater to the whims of the favorite child and blame other children who resist.

Of course, I’m not talking about the situation where one child has an illness or disability that requires lifetime care, although even in this case, parents can use the rest of the children to serve the needs of the most needy.  Some parents even decide to have a second child as an organ donor.  I’m talking about the situations in which the children are basically okay, but one is selected as the favorite.

In some cultures the favored child is the son who will inherit everything while the daughters are raised to serve the ruling male.  You can hear them say, “If only you did what your brother wants, we’d have peace and be a loving family.”

Other families label one sister as the “good child” who is held up as a paragon of virtue or success impossible for the other daughters to reach.  You know who the “bad” or “failures” daughters are.  You can hear the parents say, “Ah, if only you were as loving, kind and good as your sisters.”

Sometimes, one child is favored because mom and/or dad think that child is the sensitive one.  His feelings count more than everyone else’s.  Therefore, they say, we must organize our schedules and plans around the wishes of that child.  “After all,” they say, “We wouldn’t want to disappoint your brother or hurt his feelings.”

The situation is even worse when the favorite children know they can get away with anything and use the power to bully and torment the other children.  You recognize all those sarcastic remarks that have hidden meanings and can drive you crazy.

But no matter how hard you’ve tried, no matter what good deeds you’ve performed or sacrifices you’ve made, eventually you realize that nothing you do will ever be good enough.  The favorite daughter’s wish that they could do more or slightest effort will be counted and praised more than yours.

So what can you do?

These situations are tough because they’re based on hidden feelings and attitudes, and because they’ve been going on for decades.  It feels natural by now; “It’s just the way we do it.”

Some typical steps people use to get free from the domination of the family by one sibling are:

1. Inner commitment to break the pattern even if that means going your own way.  Stop your negative self-talk; it’ll create self-doubt and destroy your confidence and self-esteem.  It’s not your fault.  It’s about them and their decision to favor one child over the others.  Your goal can’t be to change their behavior; that’s often impossible.  Your goal is to stand your ground so you can create your own island of good cheer if you have to.
2. Give people a chance by telling them, in private, what you plan to do.  Line up allies if there are any to be had.  Plan specific actions so you can support each other effectively.
3. Plan tactics carefully.  Pick your fights selectively; don’t fight about everything.  You know what’s likely to happen.  What will you say or do in response?
4. Stay calm.  Ignore the little snide comments and put downs that used to drive you crazy.  Don’t argue about the details or the old family history.  Don’t debate who is more worthy or who has suffered the most.  Simply state your needs, standards and decisions.
5. Expect the bullies to spin the story their way, lie and go behind your back to create alliances and pressure groups.  Prepared to be blamed, labeled and shunned.  Prepare to be cut out of the Will.
6. Be persistent.  Have real consequences, like not attending or like leaving early.  Words, arguments and logic don’t count; only actions count.  Stand your ground.
7. Prepare to be surprised.  Often, families will accommodate the most stubborn and difficult person, whether they’re right and fair or not.  You may have to be more stubborn than anyone else.

Get a good coach to help you rally your spirit and plan effective tactics.

Your task is to create a family that honors, respects and appreciates you, a family in which your great efforts are worthy of being honored, a family of your heart and spirit.  That may or may not be the family you were born into.

How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don't Stop Their Temper Tantrums

The Wall Street Journal had a story on “The rich rolling in armored splendor in Brazil.”  The part I want to emphasize was about a 19 year-old girl who insisted that she have a pink VW Beetle armored.  She wouldn’t settle for another color or another car, like an Audi.  Her father said, that safety wasn't his only concern; "My greatest fear is to see disappointment on my daughter's face."  Now there’s a kid who has abused and trained her father to give her what she wants. Parents are the number one risk factor in raising kids to be bullies.  There are many ways of raising a teenage bully, but one of the sure-fire methods is to give in to temper tantrums; especially if you begin when they’re young.

We’ve all seen parents who give their young children whatever they want when the kids act disappointed or throw tantrums in stores and restaurants.  Those parents are preparing themselves to live with sneering, selfish, demanding teenagers.  They are training their children to be abusive, teenage bullies.

So what should you do instead?  Begin by realizing that your attitudes and perseverance are critical.  Dedicate yourself to doing whatever it takes to give your children a better start in life.

The following approach works for all but the most troubled kids.

• Temper tantrums are normal.  All children are supposed to try every type of behavior to make their parents give them everything they want -- immediately.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with infants trying temper tantrums.  That’s normal.  When your children become old enough to begin learning other methods to get what they want, your first task as a parent is to show them, lovingly and firmly, that that approach won’t work.  Your second is to teach them patiently what behavior will be more likely to get you to do what they want.
• Teach them civility – patience and politeness.  They’ll get a lot from you – after all, you are a loving parent.  But they’ll get more, although not everything, when they ask nicely.  Of course, some children resist longer than others.  So what?  Be more persistent than they are.
• Don’t get angry; don’t throw a fit in response.  If you lose control, they’ll persist in throwing tantrums because they’ll know they’ll eventually win.  Laugh and be calm and persistent.  Have determination and strength.
• Persevere: Over time, you will train them.  The earlier you start; the better.  Of course, when they’re infants you’ll cater to their demands more.  But as they learn to speak and you can reason and explain more, you’ll shift to teaching them, “That’s not the way you can get me to do what you want.”  Find appropriate and immediate consequences when they throw tantrums in public.
• Your child’s unhappiness is not the most important thing in the world.  Your greatest fear should not be to see disappointment on your child’s face.  You should be much more afraid of sending a spoiled brat out into the world – armored or not.
• If you give in to temper tantrums when the children are young, you’re training them to become bullies.  You’ll soon have teenagers who use tantrums to manipulate, abuse and control you.  You can still use the approach I’ve presented here to stop the tantrums, when your kids are teenagers.  But you’ll be in for a fierce fight because you will already have taught them that they bullying will wear you down – eventually you’ll give in.  That kind of conditioning is difficult, but not impossible, to break.

Remember, your children will show you what it takes to stop them from using their disappointment, hurt feelings and temper tantrums as weapons to get what they want.

Some children will give up temper tantrums easily when they’re young.  They’ll try other methods to get what they want, like reasoning with you or bribing you by giving you what you want in return for your giving them what they want. Other children will fight as if their lives depend on getting everything they want immediately.  Don’t give in while you’re convincing them to try a different strategy – and that not getting everything immediately isn’t the end of the world.

Socializing your children will not only make your life much easier, it’ll help them be successful.  It’s difficult enough to be successful when we act civilized with other people.  It’s much harder to be successful when you’re throwing temper tantrums against teachers, bosses or the police.

Teach your children when they’re young so you can enjoy them when they’re teenagers.  If you let them bully you, they’ll usually become bullies at work and bullying husbands, wives and parents.