Visionary leaders can't waste time on problem managers

Visionary leaders often follow a simple formula to succeed. To avoid getting swamped by details they select independent, result-driven managers, train them, clarify goals and deliverables, and get out of the way.  Then they track progress. But how do you recognize managers who create ever-widening unhappiness, friction, turf fights, turnover and missed deadlines?

To read the rest of this article from the Denver Business Journal, see: Visionary leaders can’t waste time on problem managers http://denver.bizjournals.com/denver/stories/2004/06/14/smallb4.html

Here are four common examples of such problem managers: - see the original article for details.

1. Weaklings and avoiders act as if their motto is, “If they don’t like me they’ll fight me, but if they like me they’ll work hard for me.”
2. Bullies try to succeed thinking, “The beatings will continue until productivity and morale improve.”
3. Turf protectors believe, “What’s good for me is good for everyone.”
4. Snooping Puppet Masters seem to think, “Success depends on manipulating, blackmailing or destroying the competition.”

Leaders can see these problems in missed deadlines, high absenteeism, turnover and transfer rate, in exit interviews from a particular department or in anonymous suggestions and internal dissatisfaction surveys.  They might hear about them from an executive assistant, trusted manager or brave employee.  Discerning leaders will notice turf battles at budget meetings or looks passed around the table behind one manager’s back.

What can visionary leaders do?  You have more than enough on your plate and you can’t waste time in details trying to decide which of the fighting children is right.  But if you ignore the problems, they’ll grow into disasters.

The two key steps for stimulating change are: - see the original article for details.

1. Be clear and firm: The manager must change or else.
2. Bring in a consultant/coach to evaluate and act as the turn-around agent.

These problem managers will need:

• Continued pressure to change.
• Specific, individualized plans for how to succeed with a new approach.
• Cue cards for exactly what to say and do in initial, small steps.
• Expert guidance to help them pick the best situations to begin with.
• Plans for consistency and perseverance; other people will distrust their new approach.
• Behavioral signposts to measure progress.
• Frequent review, counseling and independent checks to see that they’ve actually done what they claim.

Often, these problem managers can help themselves by telling other people that they are trying to change and will have to see success with their new approach.  Under these conditions, managers who want to continue rising in their companies can change their ways.

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Don't be Blackmailed into Choosing Between Bullies or Your Spouse

Sneaky, manipulative, covert bullies try to force us into difficult, all-or-none choices.  They figure we won’t make the hard choice; we’ll choose them instead.  Don’t accept the choices they present to us. Don’t give them control of how to look at things. For example: Tim’s first wife had died 20 years ago and he’d been happily married to Jennifer for 15 years.  She’d tried to be a good step-mother to Tim’s daughter and son, despite hatred and intense provocation, especially from Tim’s daughter, Coral.

Coral was now 28.  She’d harassed, abused and bullied Jennifer all during her upbringing.  Two years ago she’d even slapped Jennifer in the face.  Coral’s excuse was always that she was still suffering because her mother had died, because Jennifer didn’t give her everything she wanted and because it was Tim’s fault that he wouldn’t defend her.

Actually, Tim had been riddled with guilt and, although he’d pleaded with Coral to be nicer to Jennifer and to himself, he’d never enforced any consequences that mattered to Coral.  In fact, he’d trained Coral to believe that if she was nasty and negative, and threw temper tantrums long enough, he’d relent and give her what she wanted.

Jennifer had always felt like a second-class citizen, lower on Tim’s priority list than Coral.  Tim always excused Coral by saying that she was young and still suffering from her mother’s early death.  He excused his tolerating Coral’s behavior, his not protecting Jennifer by saying that eventually, if he loved and forgave Coral enough, she’d come around.  He didn’t want Coral to feel unloved.

Jennifer thought Tim simply avoided conflict with his daughter because she’d never be reasonable, apologize or compromise.  He gave Coral control because Jennifer was reasonable and understanding, so he could more easily ask her to give in.

Finally Coral had the leverage she wanted.  She gave birth to Tim’s only grandchild.  Then she laid down the law.  He’d have to choose: either her and his grandson or his wife.  If he chose Jennifer, he’d never see his grandson and Coral would bad-mouth him to everyone.  She’d also turn his grandson against him.

There are many other examples in which bullies below the radar try to force these difficult choices on us:

• New husbands or wives who try to force spouses into choosing between them or the kids from a previous marriage.  It’s especially difficult on the parents if the biological kids are going through a troubled time and spreading their unhappiness around.
• Toxic parents who want us to choose between them or our spouse.

In all these examples, a bully presents us with a difficult choice: them or someone else we love.  In all these examples, we know the truth we’ve been trying to avoid acknowledging: someone we love is bullying us.  They’re trying to beat us into submission in order to get what they want.  We also know the difficult truth: if we give in to this blackmail, it’ll never end and the price will keep increasing.

So what can we do?

In all these examples, the same process opens the door to the rich and grand future we yearn for:

1. Accept that we’ll never get what we want if we give in to blackmail. Accept that the blackmailer wants to control our lives – they want to tell us what’s right and what we must do; or else.  Accept that we’ll never change these narcissistic predators by begging, bribery, peace-making, the Golden Rule or unconditional love.  Tim had to accept that although he loved his daughter, he didn’t like her and he dreaded any interaction with her.
2. Decide what behavior we must have and what we will tolerate in our personal space. Forget about the name of the relationship and focus on the behavior. Set high standards for how people have to behave in order to be invited into our space.  What values are more important than which others?  What’s the life we want to live, given the givens that other people try to force on us?
3. See the choice for what it really is.  Tim finally saw that the choice was not between his daughter or his wife; it was between being beaten and controlled by his daughter or his life. In order to have the life he yearned for, he had to choose to be a person worthy of that life.  He had to have the courage of his deepest desires.
4. Protect our personal environment from pollution, even by those we love.  That meant that Tim had to act with courage and determination to defend his personal space from any toxic polluter, even from his daughter and from the weakest, most needy, most cowardly part of him.

By choosing the life he wanted, which he shared with Jennifer, Tim chose the possibility of a wonderful life.  He and Jennifer started doing things they’d always wanted to.  They stopped wasting their time thinking about Coral.  Tim stopped being depressed and riddled with shame and guilt.  They started being happy.

But what about Tim’s broken heart because he couldn’t see his grandson? There’s no way around that.  Tim’s daughter was adamant: she wouldn’t let him see his grandson.  However, we must remember that we can never appease predators and vampires.

But eventually, Coral and her husband divorced and her husband, who had finally seen how Coral operated but was no longer afraid of her, let Tim and Jennifer bond with his grandson.  Eventually Coral needed money and Tim had to decide if he wanted to put her on a pay-for-play plan.  Should he give her a little money each time he and Jennifer saw his grandson?

For some examples of different tactics, see, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Fixing Your Business? Keep the Best, Churn the Rest

What if you showed up for work to find a new sign posted by the owners: “Keep the best, churn the rest”—and you knew the best, and the rest meant you and your colleagues at all levels? Chances are, it’d get your attention.  And that’s exactly what business owners Dick and Harry (made up names for a true illustration) had in mind when they posted that sign at their medium-sized company.

To read the rest of this article from the Houston Business Journal, see: Fixing your business? Start at the top with managers http://www.bizjournals.com/houston/stories/2007/10/29/smallb5.html

Dick and Harry had allowed their company to drift into unprofitability.  Though they brought in more business, profits never increased.  And the more jobs they took on, the crazier their lives became.  They were so exhausted trying to stay afloat, they didn’t have time to plan how to get out of the mess—until a stress-induced fight finally forced them to stop and think.  It was change or lose the business.

They realized they had a lackadaisical staff, lackadaisically managed, producing minimally.  The big problem was their poor leadership.  Dick and Harry had let their standards slide.  They’d stopped being leaders and had become conflict-avoidant fixers.

They complained whenever something was done wrong, but they fixed it themselves.  They worked harder and dumber.  No one was re-trained or fired.  They never stopped bullies. The result?  The more business that came in, the worse their quality and the more profit gushed out of their pipeline.

The more frantic they had become, the less they enforced behavioral standards.  Over time, narcissism, cranky complaining, criticism, whining, demanding, bullying, emotional drama, back-stabbing, sabotage, negativity, hostility, cliques, cyberbullying, personal vendettas, turf fights, entitlement, claims of unhappiness and poor morale, control-freaks, toxic nastiness, gossip, disruptive actions and lying increased.  These behaviors are the typical signs of problems.

When standards slid, the best people left because they got tired of being forced to work with jerks who prevented success.  And they hated being paid the same as jerks.

Dick and Harry started demanding excellence from themselves.  Before they could fix problem employees, they had to fix themselves.

To let their staff know that there would be a new culture of high performance and accountability, they started an internal campaign: “Keep the best, churn the rest.”  To show that wasn’t a punitive exercise or mass downsizing, the slogan meant four things:

• They began at the top.  If they didn’t perform, they’d leave because they weren’t worthy of leading the company.
• Fixing managerial problems was urgent because problems at the top cost more.  One problem manager caused more damage than one problem employee.
• “Keep” meant increasing rewards because each quality worker is worth more than two jerks.
• “The best” meant competent, productive employees, not just shooting stars.

Although Dick and Harry needed to reward good performers, they also needed to demand high quality and accountability at all levels. That meant honest evaluations, with rewards and consequences.  They knew they had to stop bullying.

Dick and Harry didn’t expect a quick fix.  And there wasn’t one.  During the next 18 months, they turned over about 35 percent of their staff, including managers.  But they stuck to their plan. They walked the walk and talked the talk.

The company turned around.  The more they kept the best, the easier it became to churn the rest.  At all levels, unmotivated or incompetent people were gone.

High standards protect everyone from unprofessional behavior.  Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of low attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Handling the marginally troublesome employee

You probably wouldn’t have many second thoughts about dismissing an employee who’s extremely unproductive or behaves outrageously. But what about an employee whose performance is mediocre, but not horrible?  Or whose behavior is bad, but not outrageous?  That can be a tougher call.  But ignoring these problems can have a huge negative impact on productivity, morale and your career as a leader.

How do you know whether to let the situation continue or when it’s time to give him a last chance to straighten out before you remove him?

To read the rest of this article from the East Bay Business Journal, see: Handling the marginally troublesome employee http://www.bizjournals.com/eastbay/stories/2008/09/01/smallb6.html

For example, Carl manages a support group whose productivity is adequate.  But the managers Carl is supposed to support complain that he’s too difficult to work with.  He always has facile excuses when he misses deadlines.  He conveniently forgets promises he made.  Worse, he feels defensive and blows up at meetings and verbally attacks other managers.  His negativity is catching and toxic to the rest of your team.

As his department head, you can see Carl’s problems and the unhappiness of your other managers.  But you can also see the benefits Carl brings. He’s technically skilled and admired by people who don’t work with him.  He’d be difficult to replace.

In essence, Carl is abusing and bullying you by doing just enough to get by.  If you don’t act you’ll create multiple problems for yourself with the rest of your staff.

Real leaders bite the bullet when they have a bad situation on their hands.  If Carl is unhappy with your oversight but won’t change his behavior, help him find a job somewhere else.  Plan ahead; start looking for a replacement when you begin to hold him accountable.

When Carl is gone, your credibility will increase and you’ll get lots of positive feedback.  Other managers will heave a great sigh of relief. There’ll be a decrease in insubordination, tension and complaining.  Sick-leave and turnover will also decrease. People will thank you and tell you more stories about how bad it really was.

The simple fact is that failing to deal appropriately with a problem employee like Carl is a formula for disaster.  If you have a Carl you don’t want to deal with, ask yourself: Are you willing to sacrifice your career to avoid confronting an employee who’s creating problems within your organization?

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of mediocre and poor attitudes, behavior and performance.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

Stop Employees who Bully Workplace over 'Morale' Claims

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I say it depends. For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.  However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee, Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained her power by never being satisfied.

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

Who’s responsible for an employee’s morale?  Many people think it’s the manager’s responsibility.  But I 

say it depends.

For example, before Sarah became manager of her new team, she’d been warned that the group had

longstanding problems with low productivity and morale.  Sarah rapidly discovered the warnings were

accurate.  Her staff spent too much time at work complaining and dealing with emotional outbursts.

However, a careful analysis revealed the problem wasn’t the whole team. It began with one employee,

Penny.  Penny was never pleased and was clear about whose fault it was.

Post #63 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/25/workplace-bullying-and-harassment-recognize-common-techniques

-bullies-use/

Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/

Post #9 – BulliesBeGoneBlog This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/01/this-unhappy-employee-created-a-hostile-bullying-workplace/

Post #14 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/26/top-ten-ways-to-create-a-hostile-workplace/

Read more

To read the rest of this article from The Memphis Business Journal, see: Don’t allow an employee to bully workplace over ‘morale’ claims http://www.bizjournals.com/memphis/print-edition/2011/06/03/dont-allow-an-employee-to-bully.html

Sometimes, managers can be unfair, arbitrary and bullying.  But in this case, Penny, an employee, was the

bully.  She had used her unhappiness to coerce previous managers to do what she wanted.  She maintained

her power by never being satisfied.

Post #19 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all-boss http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/19/stop-verbal-abuse-by-a-know-it-all-boss/

Post #104 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Toxic Coworkers and Other Bullies http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/02/02/stop-toxic-coworkers-and-other-bullies/

Post #79 – BulliesBeGoneBlog You can’t Stop Bullying at Work with Employee Satisfaction Programs http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/07/03/you-cant-stop-bullying-at-work-with-employee-satisfaction-pro

grams/

Post #117 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies at Work: Control Freaks http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/05/04/stop-bullies-at-work-control-freaks/

Learn what Sarah did legally and what Penny decided to do in response.

Post #30 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/11/21/avoid-litigation-that-will-keep-you-awake-at-night/

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan

that fits you and your organization.  The result will be eliminating the high cost of low attitudes.

BulliesBeGone Hire Ben http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html

BulliesBeGone Books and CDs http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html

How to Raise a Bullying Teenager: Don't Stop Their Temper Tantrums

The Wall Street Journal had a story on “The rich rolling in armored splendor in Brazil.”  The part I want to emphasize was about a 19 year-old girl who insisted that she have a pink VW Beetle armored.  She wouldn’t settle for another color or another car, like an Audi.  Her father said, that safety wasn't his only concern; "My greatest fear is to see disappointment on my daughter's face."  Now there’s a kid who has abused and trained her father to give her what she wants. Parents are the number one risk factor in raising kids to be bullies.  There are many ways of raising a teenage bully, but one of the sure-fire methods is to give in to temper tantrums; especially if you begin when they’re young.

We’ve all seen parents who give their young children whatever they want when the kids act disappointed or throw tantrums in stores and restaurants.  Those parents are preparing themselves to live with sneering, selfish, demanding teenagers.  They are training their children to be abusive, teenage bullies.

So what should you do instead?  Begin by realizing that your attitudes and perseverance are critical.  Dedicate yourself to doing whatever it takes to give your children a better start in life.

The following approach works for all but the most troubled kids.

• Temper tantrums are normal.  All children are supposed to try every type of behavior to make their parents give them everything they want -- immediately.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with infants trying temper tantrums.  That’s normal.  When your children become old enough to begin learning other methods to get what they want, your first task as a parent is to show them, lovingly and firmly, that that approach won’t work.  Your second is to teach them patiently what behavior will be more likely to get you to do what they want.
• Teach them civility – patience and politeness.  They’ll get a lot from you – after all, you are a loving parent.  But they’ll get more, although not everything, when they ask nicely.  Of course, some children resist longer than others.  So what?  Be more persistent than they are.
• Don’t get angry; don’t throw a fit in response.  If you lose control, they’ll persist in throwing tantrums because they’ll know they’ll eventually win.  Laugh and be calm and persistent.  Have determination and strength.
• Persevere: Over time, you will train them.  The earlier you start; the better.  Of course, when they’re infants you’ll cater to their demands more.  But as they learn to speak and you can reason and explain more, you’ll shift to teaching them, “That’s not the way you can get me to do what you want.”  Find appropriate and immediate consequences when they throw tantrums in public.
• Your child’s unhappiness is not the most important thing in the world.  Your greatest fear should not be to see disappointment on your child’s face.  You should be much more afraid of sending a spoiled brat out into the world – armored or not.
• If you give in to temper tantrums when the children are young, you’re training them to become bullies.  You’ll soon have teenagers who use tantrums to manipulate, abuse and control you.  You can still use the approach I’ve presented here to stop the tantrums, when your kids are teenagers.  But you’ll be in for a fierce fight because you will already have taught them that they bullying will wear you down – eventually you’ll give in.  That kind of conditioning is difficult, but not impossible, to break.

Remember, your children will show you what it takes to stop them from using their disappointment, hurt feelings and temper tantrums as weapons to get what they want.

Some children will give up temper tantrums easily when they’re young.  They’ll try other methods to get what they want, like reasoning with you or bribing you by giving you what you want in return for your giving them what they want. Other children will fight as if their lives depend on getting everything they want immediately.  Don’t give in while you’re convincing them to try a different strategy – and that not getting everything immediately isn’t the end of the world.

Socializing your children will not only make your life much easier, it’ll help them be successful.  It’s difficult enough to be successful when we act civilized with other people.  It’s much harder to be successful when you’re throwing temper tantrums against teachers, bosses or the police.

Teach your children when they’re young so you can enjoy them when they’re teenagers.  If you let them bully you, they’ll usually become bullies at work and bullying husbands, wives and parents.

This unhappy employee created a hostile, bullying workplace

Doesn’t a good manager solicit and incorporate employee feedback?  Isn’t employee happiness a major factor in building morale and teamwork? Well, yes.  With most employees you’d think that’s true.  But listen to what happened to Claire’s team, which harbored an unhappy, negative employee, Heather.

Heather was a chronic, whining complainer.  Nothing was good enough for her.  She criticized and disparaged everything Claire did.  She looked down her nose at Claire.

The tea in the break room was never good enough for Heather.  The soda and snacks at trainings, the seating arrangements and even the carpet in the training room never pleased Heather.  When Claire did what Heather seemed to want, Heather found something else wrong or changed her mind.  Heather was unhappy and told everyone it was Claire’s fault.  No matter what Claire did, she could never please Heather.  Heather was relentlessly hostile and verbally abusive.

Heather was a manipulative bully.  She used her unhappiness, negativity, criticism and verbal abuse to get Claire to try to please her.  But what could Claire do?  Wasn’t she supposed to try to make Heather happy?  Wouldn’t Heather be a more productive worker and better team player if she was happy.

When Claire accepted the assumption that she should do everything to please Heather, Claire gave Heather control of the team.  A few people joined Heather’s clique and bad mouthed everything Claire and the rest of the team did.  The rest of the team slunk away and tried to ignore Heather, despite the hostile environment she created.

Heather’s unhappiness and constant complaining triggered a pattern in Claire that I call “Self-Bullying.”  Claire accepted Heather’s assumptions about who was the failure.  Claire mentally beat herself up for not being good enough to please Heather.  Her self-doubt increased and her confidence and self-esteem plummeted.

As hostility increased and morale fell in Claire’s team, productivity also fell.  Sick leave and turnover increased.

I was brought in as a consultant and coach to help Claire’s once productive team.  We quickly developed a practical supervision and performance improvement plan that Claire could use for Heather.  But Claire wouldn’t implement it until she had done some major inner work.

Claire had to change her ineffective beliefs that:

• Everyone will become happy and productive if you give them what they want.
• Managers like Claire should make employees happy.
• Employee satisfaction is the key to team success.

The key change for Claire was recognizing Heather as a bully.  Heather had learned to use her distain, unhappiness and criticism to get people to try to please her.  With this tactic, she dominated and controlled her environment.  But once Claire recognized Heather as stealth bully, Claire was freed from her own self-bullying.  She was motivated and empowered to use the practical performance improvement plan effectively and successfully.

Heather wouldn’t improve her attitude and her team behavior.  She soon left.  The whole team heaved a great sigh of relief.

Why had Heather been allowed to remain with the company after she had treated her former manager the same way?  I’ll give more details of how Claire was finally successful, in an article to appear in the Denver Business Journal on February 15, 2008.