Can Forgiveness Keep Us from Stopping Bullies?

Many people believe that forgiveness – complete, unconditional and true – is necessary for spiritual development and for stopping bullies. These people struggle so they can see all people as completely spiritual and good, they strive to love them unconditionally, and they aspire to rise above earthly concerns and values.  That makes them feel very spiritual and virtuous.

However, much more often, I see the trap that “ineffective forgiveness” leads people into.

There’s a better way – “effective forgiveness.”

What I see are the many women and men who I’ve coached or who have written comments about their years of trying to love and forgive bullies who haven’t changed and who continue to harass and abuse them and their children.  Ineffective forgiveness becomes a trap when:

• We don’t stop thinking about the incidents and we generate the same repeating cycle of strong emotions.
• We don’t take precautions so the bully repeatedly attacks us.
• We don’t learn how to avoid the same traps or how to stop bullying by toxic, selfish, narcissistic bullies’ sneaky manipulations, control, back-stabbing, or overt violence or threats of violence.

Ineffective forgiveness means that we hope the other person won’t be mean or nasty next time.  We hope that our believing this bit of wishful thinking helps bullies become better.  And to show that we’ve forgiven, we must put ourselves back into the same position in hopes bullies won’t take advantage of our good nature and kindness.

Ineffective forgiveness means people have put the value of forgiveness and the value of self-protection at the same level.  This trap leads to despair, defeat, depression and, maybe, suicide.

Almost all of the women who have interviewed me on radio and television were raised to be “nice girls.”  Their mothers taught them to forgive the mean girls who tormented and terrorized them, because those girls must have had terrible home lives.  They were taught that it was wrong to fight back and to protect themselves.

This kind of ineffective forgiveness doesn’t stop relentless bullying at home, at school or at work.

What do we try to gain by replaying incidents of bullying and abuse? Replaying is a motivational strategy.  We’re trying to develop enough fear or pain, suffering or sorrow, isolation or depression, anger or rage so that we’ll finally take steps to protect ourselves.  We’re trying to develop enough energy to act effectively.

Therefore, once we know that we’ll protect ourselves, we can stop the rehashing the incidents, stop regenerating the strong emotion in order to keep us suspicious and alert.  Then we can forgive effectively.

What are the goals of effective forgiveness and what do we usually require to get there?

• The goal of effective forgiveness is simply to stop thinking about the other person so they occupy no space in our mental or emotional worlds.
• In order to relax our vigilance, either we have to know that the perpetrator won’t try bullying us again or that we’ll protect ourselves, naturally, automatically and easily, if they ever try again.  Because we’ll stop them automatically, we don’t need to replay and re-analyze all the terrible incidents to keep us on guard and full of energy.
• Sometimes we’ll get bullies out of our environment, off our isle of song, but sometimes we’ll allow them to stay, although we’ll protect our personal space next time.  Effective forgiveness does not mean that we must still relate to them in the way they want.  Whoever tries to require continued interaction as evidence of “forgiveness,” is still trying to control us.
• Usually, we test a bully’s sincerity by requiring public apologies and amends.  If they won’t do these, we correctly don’t trust them.  Even if they do these, we still can choose to get them out of our space.

What if no apologies or amends are possible? I saw a program about the Amish in America, in which a portion was devoted to a young man who invaded an Amish school, sent all the boys out and started shooting all the girls. He killed five and seriously wounded more.  Then he killed himself.

What can we say?  There are no apologies or amends that would make that okay.

I’m saying that in such cases, the task of the Amish families is not to forget, but somehow to move on with the children who are alive and with each other.  Whatever they can think and do to reduce this horror to a size that makes it only a part of life, to a size that still allows them to find joy, for the children to grow up and love and have their own children, whatever allows them to do that is effective.  If they use the work “forgiveness,” that’s fine.

How can we forgive ourselves? Follow the same approach.  Beating ourselves relentlessly; negative self-talk, self-bullying, self-doubt, self-questioning, perfectionism, blame, shame, guilt and self-flagellation are simply ways of continuing to remind ourselves to do better.  But that’s a hard way to keep the reminder in mind.  The price is pretty high – loss of confidence and self-esteem, loss of will and determination.  When we change our way of being in the world, so we know we won’t act that way again, we won’t need the self-bullying.  Or when we make ourselves into people who are so filled with the best of us that we won’t act that way next time, we won’t need the self-bullying to motivate us to stay on track.

The goal of effective forgiveness is always about behavior:

• We don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies.
• We recognize bullies, especially sneaky, narcissistic, manipulative ones.
• We protect ourselves.

No specific process is required or is the best, as long as we get to the goal.  Whatever our explanations, psychological rationalizations, excuses or justifications are for bullies’ behavior or whatever make us feel good about forgiving them, the only criterion that really matters is that we get to the goals of effective forgiveness – we don’t waste our time and energy obsessing on the bullies and we protect ourselves.

Notice that I haven’t gone into abstract discussions about the existence of evil, or whether bullies are sinners or whether this world of pain and suffering, of joy and beauty is real or whether it’s a delusion to see through.  Those considerations might be important to some people, but they’re irrelevant to learning how to stop bullies and to protect ourselves from their attacks.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullying, Abuse: Say, "That's Enough!"

We’ve talked about the first two important steps to stop bullying, abusive spouses:

1. The first step toward freedom is to use experts’ checklists to recognize and label our spouses’ behavior as “bullying” and our demanding, controlling, narcissistic, abusive spouses as “bullies,” in order to generate our own power.  We may use that power to re-enter fights with renewed vigor and a new sense that we’re right.
2. The second step toward our bright future is to ask our inner expert.  We ask ourselves, not if they’re bullying, but if we don’t like what they do.  We know what we like and don’t like; we know how much we like or hate it; we know what we’re willing to compromise about or put up with and what we’re not.  Begin with our judgment and act on that judgment.  Since we know what we want, we don’t have to change bullies or get them to agree or get their permission.  We simply test them to see if they’ll act the way we want.

Each step in the sequence gives us more inner power, strength and courage to do what we need to do; to stand firm on the standards of behavior we’ll allow on our island.

There’s a third step in which we take charge of our personal space and our future.

Yes, when we label them as bullies we stop forgiving, excusing, accepting justifications; we stop begging, appeasing, bribing; we stop thinking that reasons, logic, unconditional love, forgiveness or the Golden Rule will cure them; we stop hoping and pretending that they’ll suddenly see themselves as we see them and they’ll change; we stop negative self-talk and self-bullying.  Instead, we fight to protect our emotions and spirits from further destruction.

But many bullies, especially stealthy, covert, manipulative, controlling bullies, love to fight.  They win when they keep us engaged in fighting because they’ll never give in.  For us, it’s a fight for our souls; for them it’s a fight to the death.

Here are two examples of women with demanding, bullying, abusive, controlling, philandering husbands who made that third step and then chose different tactics.

For years, Maria and Jean had tried everything they could think of to change their husbands.  They’d tried every expert method, every friend’s advice, every magic trick, every way they could think of to become perfect wives, every form of therapy but their husbands hadn’t changed.  Well, maybe those spouses had become little more tricky in their justifications.  But their spouses didn’t change their behavior.

Through personalized coaching, both women reached the point of saying, “That’s enough!”  Actually something deep within both of them shifted completely.  They were released from the need for debates, arguments and therapy; from reasons excuses and justifications; from fighting about who was right about their husbands’ behavior.

You know how you can bend a paper clip back and forth many times and you can still make it hold paper.  But one bend too many and it snaps, and you can’t ever glue it back together again.  It’s broken irreversibly.  That’s what happened.  They snapped.  The need to keep trying had snapped.  That’s enough! They were done.

That happened to Maria and Jean.  They were done with hoping their husbands would change, they were done with looking for exactly the right words to say or with trying to be good enough to deserve good treatment; they were done with debating, arguing and therapy.

They were now acting on their own gut standards and for the benefit of their hearts and souls.  That’s real power.  Gone were their begging doubt, hesitation, self-questioning, negative, self-bullying self-talk, insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Now they focused on behavior – and they took different paths that fit each of them.

Jean said, “I’ve gotten divorce papers.  If you behave in that rotten way, I’ll file them.  But if you behave in the nice way I want, I’ll hold off until the kids grow up and leave home.  Then we’ll see what we’ll see.  If you’re nice for a while but fall back into the old patterns, I’ll immediately file; no more chances.” Her study is included in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Maria took a different path.  She felt that her husband’s behavior was way over the top and he was setting a bad example for their son.  Also, if she stayed, she’d be setting a bad example for her daughter.  So she divorced him.

Both of their husbands tried to continue debating and arguing, citing experts and friends and family, who asked if the wives had done enough, if maybe they’d tried more or if maybe they fixed what was wrong with them, the men would finally change.

Both Maria and Jean had the same answer from their guts.  “Those thoughts, ideas and possibilities don’t matter anymore.  I’m done.  I’ve had enough.  I’m not wasting my time in talk anymore.  I love him but I’m done with him.  It’s over.  Maybe I’ll find love somewhere else.”

They both felt a surge of power, confidence and esteem at having acted based on their opinions, gut feelings and desires.  Both had taken charge of their personal spaces and their futures. Both worked hard to make their choice as good as possible for their children.  Both were successful.

The hardest part for Maria was to deal with friends and family who, for their own personal reasons, tried to convince her of what they wanted her to do.  They wanted to judge and debate in order to convince her that what they thought was, indeed, right.  She finally had to tell them that the subject was off limits.  They’d already expressed their opinions.  Now, if they wanted to be with her, they had to stop.

The key to both successful lives was in following the internal shift – the gut that said, “That’s enough!”

Notice, that’s the same step the most successful people take when they have toxic parents, toxic children or toxic relatives.

Stop Bullying, Abuse: Be Your Own Expert

When we follow experts’ checklists, and we recognize and label our spouses’ behavior as “bullying” and our demanding, controlling, narcissistic, abusive spouses as “bullies,” we generate our own power.  We may use that power to re-enter the fight with renewed vigor and a new sense that we’re right. But many bullies, especially demanding, controlling, narcissistic, sneaky, manipulative, abusive spouses, will not be convinced to change by our experts or our internal power.

There’s a better way.

Bullying spouses will often get their own experts or friends or mothers to say that our experts are wrong.  Their experts will say, “Our spouses are in the normal range and it’s our fault that they’re acting the way they do.  We made them do it.”

Also, many bullies like to debate, argue and fight forever.  They never concede a point or give ground.  No matter how many experts we get to prove that they’re bullies, they won’t change.  They expect to wear us down.  We can see how that argument can go around and around forever.

The fundamental problem with that approach is our willingness to debate and argue because outside experts tell us that we’re right or that we’ve been wronged, and, therefore, our spouses should change.

The better course, the winning way is to ask our inner expert. We ask ourselves, not if they’re bullying us, but simply whether we like or don’t like what they do.  We know what we like and don’t like; we know how much we like or hate it; we know what we’re willing to compromise about or put up with and what we’re not.

We begin with our judgment and act on that judgment. The fundamental and true justifications for what we do are “I want to” and “I don’t want to.”  Not necessarily as a snap judgment, but as a source of energy and power.  Later, we supply a thin coating of logical reasons to make people think we’re rational.

We’re acting on our own standards and for the benefit of our heart and soul – and probably for our kids also.  That’s real power.  Since we know what we want, we don’t need to change our spouse or get our spouse to agree or give permission.  Gone are doubt, hesitation, self-questioning, negative, self-bullying self-talk, insecurity, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

A declaration of what we want or don’t want is unassailable by outside experts.  We know right away that any who tries to talk us out of what we want by saying, “That’s dumb.  That’s crazy.  That’s silly.  That’s unreasonable.  That’s selfish.  That’s arrogant.  That’s too demanding.  That’s not loving,” is not a person we want to keep as a lover, friend or relative.

Acting because we want to is more than enough justification. Acting as our own expert, on our own best judgment, because we want to is how we take charge of our present and future.

Instead of thinking we need to prove or justify something according to our spouse’s logic, we’re now testing our spouse.

• We say what we will never tolerate and what we must have.
• We say what we want and don’t want strongly, and how many chances we’re giving.
• We say what we’re willing to negotiate or to give, and what we must have in return – and how many chances.

This technique is detailed in “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.

Don’t pay attention to objectors or inner objections:

• Anyone who tries to talk us out of our standards.
• Anyone who says we’re mean, selfish, not understanding, unforgiving, unloving or a demanding bully.
• Anyone who demands, threatens or tries to control or coerce us to change.
• Our own feeling that we love our spouse so much we can never leave.
• Our thoughts that we need to be perfect or to honor a commitment we made before we knew the real cost of what we were buying.

We can’t let our feelings ruin our future.  We’ll fall in love again with someone even better.

Given our standards, is our spouse willing to act in a way that we’ll allow them to stay on our island or will we vote them off?  It’s our island and we’re the only one who votes.

It’s that clear and simple even though the specific action plan will have to be adjusted depending on the situation – money, kids, relatives, culture, etc.

But what if we’re wrong or too picky? On the one hand we do know that experts are wrong.  For example, expert advice for the best way to parent has changed every few years during my lifetime.  There are no guarantees.

On the other hand, we might make a mistake.  So what?  We are learners.  The more we listen to our inner expert, the more expert it will become and the more it will help us.  We’re not children any more.  It’s better to follow our own path than be ruled by parents, spouses or experts.

This choice is wonderfully illustrated in the Daniel Day-Lewis movie version of “The Last of The Mohicans”.

British Major Duncan wants Cora to marry him.  Her father wants her to marry him.  But Cora hesitates.  Cora is thinking about breaking away from the cage of her upbringing.   She tells him of her hesitation.

Duncan says, “Why not let those whom you trust, like your father, help settle what is best for you.  In view of your indecision, you should rely on their judgment and mine.  Will you consider that?”

At first she’s not sure, but later she sees a side of Major Duncan she would never let herself live with.  She tells Duncan, “I have considered your offer.  The decision I have come to is that I would rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.  My answer to you must be, ‘No.’”

She will follow her own judgment, not theirs.  She will not let those “experts” rule her life.

Be brave.  We can get help to access the expert within us and learn to trust our inner expert.  We can act because we want to and be the hero of our lives.

How to Know if You're Bullied and Abused

Many coaching clients call me saying, “Since he didn’t beat me physically, I didn’t realize I was being bullied and abused.  At least, not until I read your articles.  Is it too late for me?  Can you help me?”  Of course, since you’ve made it this far, it’s not too late, although it may take a lot of effort. But let’s look at what’s behind the idea that we don’t know if we’re being bullied and abused unless we’re being physically beaten.

Using some typical early warning signs, we might recognize controlling husbands or wives even if they don’t hit:

1. He changed from charming to controlling, sometimes step by step.
2. They make the rules; they control everything.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no.”
4. They isolate you.
5. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame, shame and guilt-trips.
6. They don’t take your kindness, compassion and sympathy as a reason to stop.  They take your passivity as an invitation to bully you more.

It’s the same at work, at school and in romance.

Or we might recognize the seven warning signs of bullying, controlling narcissists:

1. They think they know best about everything.
2. Their excitement is contagious and sweeps you along.
3. They think they don’t have anything to learn.
4. They’re more important than you are.
5. They think their rules should rule.
6. Everyone is a pawn in their game.
7. They think their excuses should excuse them.

Indeed, many women allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don’t recognize and label the control and abuse as “bullying.”

The underlying problem for people who don’t know if they’re being bullied or abused is that when we use a definition or standard that’s on the outside of us the definition doesn’t include all situations or the standards aren’t relevant to us or we’re never certain if our judgment is accurate.  Using an arbitrary, external standard is like using a quick quiz of twenty questions in a magazine to see if we’re bullied, abused, in love, truly compatible, a good person, likely to succeed…or anything else.  External standards aren’t the right place to look.

The hidden assumptions behind that way of thinking are that:

1. Outside standards and definitions are crucial.  We depend on other people, maybe so-called experts, to tell us what’s right and normal and true.
2. We can’t act until we’re sure that we or they are in some category as defined by those external standards.  That is, unless we’re sure the other person is a bully we’re not allowed to act.  Or we can’t act until we’ve tried everything to help them change.  Or until we’re sure it’s not our fault, we don’t deserve the treatment, it’s his fault and we’re victims we shouldn’t act.

Both of those assumptions are wrong.  Yet both of those assumptions are why people allow themselves to stay in very painful situations year after year, even as their self-confidence and self-esteem diminish.

A better test To decide whether we should act or not, instead of the external standards and definitions, use an internal test.  We can simply ask ourselves, “Am I in pain?  Do I want to be treated this way?”

Notice that these questions are about us; about how much things hurt, about our desire to get away from the pain, about what we’ll allow in our personal space.  We don’t need some external standards of right or wrong, normal or abnormal.  We don’t need the self-doubt, self-questioning and negative self-talk that come from asking questions like, “Is it my fault?  What have I done wrong?  Do I deserve this?  Is this the way it’s supposed to be?”

Simply start by saying, “Ouch.  Cut it out.  Act better or you’re gone.  I don’t care what your reasons, justifications or excuses are; act nicer or I’m gone.”

Then, we become the standard.  If we’re being taunted, teased, harassed, bullied and abused verbally, mentally and emotionally, and we don’t like it, that’s more than enough reason to get away.  It’s that simple.  We create distance, not because of some external standards, but because we want to.  That’s more than enough reason.

Every one of the people who wrote or called for coaching was immediately able to answer the questions about how the treatment felt.  When they recognized and accepted their pain as important and sufficient, they wanted to resist.  They immediately were angry and determined to get away.  Their spirits rose.  They felt strong and courageous.  Good for them.

When they learned effective skills and techniques, they could resist successfully.  Since all tactics are situational and the abuse has usually gone on for a long time, you’ll probably need expert coaching.  We’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.

“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of adults in very difficult situations taking command of themselves and succeeding.  For personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).

Stop Self-Bullying: A Toxic Child Might Not Be Your Fault

Self-bullies wallow in perfectionism, self-doubt, self-questioning, blame, shame, guilt and negative self-talk.  Real self-bullies run themselves down and beat themselves up in almost every area of life.  But even people who don’t use self-bullying tactics normally will condemn themselves if one of their children turns out incompetent or toxic. A hundred fifty years ago, the fad was to think that if children turned out bad – weak, lazy, apathetic, unkind or uncaring – they had made bad choices; it was the child’s fault.  But as Richard Friedman points out in his article in the New York Times, “Accepting That Good Parents May Plant Bad Seeds,” the recent fad has been to blame the parents.

We’ve grown up thinking, “there are no bad children, only bad parents.”  Therefore, when one child turns out bad, parents will vent their frustration and pain on themselves by continually asking, “What did we do wrong?  What did we do to deserve this?”

After all, if we know who’s to blame and what they did wrong, we’ll be able to figure out how to fix it.  That’s not true, but what else can we do?

Even though you didn’t do anything particularly heinous to that child – no physical, sexual or emotional abuse, brutality or torture – therapists usually reinforce your responsibility and guilt by blaming some mistakes you made; you weren’t 100% consistent, one or both of you weren’t around enough; you didn’t give the nasty, needy child enough love, toys or enough discipline.

Of course, surly, rotten, loser children also reinforce this attitude; it’s easy for them to blame parents in order to take themselves off the hook.  You’ll hear these now-adults complain, “It’s your fault, if only you gave me more stuff or love when I was younger; if only you give me the stuff I want now, I’d be fine.”

But after giving time after time, at some points parents have to look in the mirror and say, “It’s not our fault.  We didn’t do everything that child wanted, but we didn’t do anything particularly bad.  He or she still acts like he’s entitled to everything he wants.  That child is simply angry and maybe hates us.  Maybe he or she is just a weak or bad seed.  If we continue giving, he’ll suck every drop of blood from us and drag us down, all the while complaining that it’s our fault.”

So when do parents decide, “that’s enough!  We have to protect ourselves from this toxic person, our beloved child, who will poison us if we allow him to.”

I am saying that there are children who grow up nasty, surly, rotten and toxic, and it wasn’t your fault; you didn’t do anything to deserve it.  Whichever bandwagon of explanations you jump on – they have a defective gene combination (they were born sick mentally or defective emotionally) or they choose to be the way they are – the effect is the same.

No matter how much you love them or give them, no matter how much you beat yourself up, no matter how much you feel guilty because you don’t like them, you won’t be able to rehabilitate them.

People do not have an unlimited potential to change and develop by any methods we know or will know.  Instead, while you’re trying to reason with them or rehabilitate them, these toxic predators will take everything you have and eat you alive.

So stop beating yourselves up; stop wallowing in self-doubt and self-flagellation.  Give up shame and guilt; they’ll only prevent you from doing what you need to do.  Of course, we’re less sure that it wasn’t our fault if an only child is the bad seed.  If other children turned out well, we can see more easily how that toxic child turned out the way he did on his own.

Once we start questioning ourselves, our imperfections, negative self-talk, self-hatred and self-loathing will keep us stuck; weak and easy prey.  We won’t have the strength, courage and perseverance to stop toxic children.

Face the problem thoughtfully and carefully, just like you’d face any other situation in which someone is trying to take everything you have and harass, abuse and torture you in the process.  Of course this is different because your heart will be broken endlessly, anxiety and depression will become constant companions and the selfish, hate-filled and hateful child will continue blaming on you.

Plan tactics that fit you and your situation; know your limits and what you’re capable of doing.  Take your emotional tie and the unending pain into account when you plan tactics.  Get help to keep you strong, courageous and persevering.

I know that’s not a specific list of “the seven steps that are guaranteed to make everything fine.”  There are no guarantees of success.

But there is the wisdom that has been clear since the beginning of recorded history.  The first and necessary step is to see clearly.  Then become the one of you who has the grit, resilience and skill to stop a predator; even a predator you love.  Only then will you be able to carry out an effective plan successfully.  Anything less and that beloved predator will ravage you.

For a clear example, read in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” the study of how Paula slowly succeeded with her teenage daughter, Stacy,

Stop Abusive, Bullying, Toxic False-Friends

There are toxic people in every environment – toxic lovers, husbands, wives, parents, children, relatives, bosses and coworkers.  Many people let bullying friends continue abusing them because they want to maintain the friendship.  They won’t disagree with or hurt the feelings of the false-friend even if he or she’s a righteous, narcissistic control-freak. However, if you don’t stop these bossy, self-centered bullies, they’ll increase your anxiety and stress, harass you and make your life miserable, take over your life and eventually turn other friends against you.

Joan had a problem with her friend Shelly.  Shelly was sure that she knew what’s right about everything and was intent on straightening out Jane.  She told Jane that Jane was a failure because of numerous character flaws; that’s why Jane’s children were not as successful as Shelly’s.  She said that if Jane didn’t do things the way Shelly told her, Jane’s part-time business would fail and Jane would be a failure her whole life.

Shelly corrected Jane about every detail; how Jane dressed, what she ate, who she talked to, what she read and where she went to church.  She also knew how Jane should behave to prove she was a true friend to Shelly.  If Jane didn’t change, Shelly either cried or got very indignant and angry.

Shelly was always convinced she was absolutely right and perceptive enough to recognize Jane’s hidden fears.  Faced with Shelly’s certainty and a few accurate remarks by her, Jane was thrown into self-questioning and self-doubt.  She agonized that maybe Shelly was right.  It was hard to argue against Shelly’s righteousness and total conviction.  As soon as Jane started, Shelly got angry and rebutted every one of Jane’s objections with reasonable sounding answers.  Or Shelly changed the subject and verbally attacked Jane.  Jane could never convince Shelly that she was wrong or that she was a self-righteous bully.

Also, selfish Shelly was the center of attention.  Most of their conversation was about Shelly’s emotional melodrama.  Only at the very end did Shelly pause to tell Jane where she was wrong.

The few times Jane has brought up a problem of Shelly’s, Shelly attacked Jane, claiming that Jane was jealous of Shelly or that Jane once did what she didn’t want Shelly to do.

After every conversation with Shelly, Jane felt discouraged, depressed and defeated.  She was afraid that if she told Shelly what she really felt, she’d lose her best friend.

Every situation is different; every situation has complications that limit possible solutions.  Solutions to each situation will have to be designed specifically for the people involved.  For example, in Jane’s case, she was afraid that if she argued or disagreed with Shelly, Shelly would sabotage Jane to all their friends. However, there is a general rule: The longer you accept the righteous put-downs and control by a bullying, abusive false-friend, the more your confidence and self-esteem will be battered.  You must gather the will and determination to act.  You must learn skills of planning and successfully executing effective tactics.

The key to Jane’s breaking free was to see that Shelly was an abusive bully, not a true friend.  Jane realized that true friends don’t act the way Shelly did.  That realization gave Jane the will – the determination, perseverance and grit – to be honest with Shelly.  Jane realized that the friendship she might lose was one that hurt, even though Shelly called it “best friends.”  Jane also prepared herself and her other friends for what Shelly was likely to do in retaliation.

Jane didn’t argue, debate or try to prove to Shelly that she was a bully.  Jane simply stated how people had to act in order to be her friend and to be in her personal space.  Shelly was shocked that Jane finally found the backbone.  Of course, Shelly was convinced that Jane was wrong.  Shelly tried to turn their friends against Jane, but Jane’s preparation paid off.  The friends had had similar experiences with Shelly.

For another example, in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” see how Tammy stopped a false-friend who tried to force food down Tammy’s throat even though Tammy was trying to diet.

Toxic, righteous, controlling, bullying, abusive false-friends usually don’t change.  The relief and freedom you feel when you clear them out of your environment tells you that it was worth the effort.  You’ve reclaimed your spirit and your life.

Recession-Stimulated Bullying and Abusive Self-Talk at Work

During economic ice ages or recessions, when times get hard, hardness tends to run rampant.  Most people are justifiably afraid they’ll lose their jobs and the lives they planned.  Will they get laid off or downsized through no fault of their own?  What will happen to their savings, insurance, college and retirement funds?  Will they be able to keep their homes or even eat next month? How do people react in the face of their recession-stimulated fears?  What type of bullying, harassment and abuse will increase at work?  How can we decrease negative self-talk that increases stress and destroys self-esteem and self-confidence?

Harassment by Leaders and Managers Managers and leaders will squeeze more from themselves and staff in order to reduce costs and stay afloat.  But some managers and leaders will abuse employees and subordinates just because they know they can.  Many people will tolerate bullying and abuse because they’re afraid they’ll lose their jobs if they don’t give in.  But don’t give in to bullying, harassment or obnoxious treatment.  You are still protected from those abuses.  Don’t be pugnacious in return, but do insist on politeness and decent treatment.  Know the law, get allies and advisors, and document on your home computer.

Bullying by Coworkers Expect a huge increase in stealth bullying by coworkers and managerial peers.  Many will think that their survival requires them to get rid of you.  Some will become masters of backstabbing, criticism, sarcasm, snide put-downs, blaming, spreading rumors and gossip, smear tactics, taking credit from you, and forming cliques.  They’ll smile when they do it.  Keep your opinions to yourself and watch out for people who produce nothing, suck up and cover their backs.  Form your own clique of productive people you trust.  Also, ally with someone productive who has great people skills and a sense of what’s happening throughout the whole office.

Negative Self Talk The worst problem will be a dramatic increase in this type of “self-bullying.”  Your inner voices will make dire predictions of the future, tell you that you’re helpless in the grip of huge forces beyond your control and predict that, no matter how hard you try, you’ll inevitable fail.  Your supercritical inner voices will try to stress, depress and discourage you, and make you give up.  Your inner voices, full of self-questioning and self-doubt, can erode your self-esteem and self-confidence, destroy your hope and immobilize you.

Self-bullying is the most destructive form of bullying because it saps your will to overcome your circumstances.  Self-bullying can rob you of your determination, courage, strength and skill.  With those voices shouting or whispering in your ear, it’s impossible to gather yourself and make consistent, focused effort.  If you let fear and self-bullying destroy your strength and will, you won’t have the right stuff, you won’t do the right thing and the economic tide will pull you under.

You know which people spoke to you in those voices.  You know who really didn’t like or respect or appreciate you.  And which people thought they’d motivate you better by beating you down.  In either case, whether they ridicule your efforts or are simply certain of the bleak future they predict, their old style is no good for you now.  You need encouraging self-coaching now, not self-bullying.

In addition to finding a great coach or therapist to guide you in the inner work necessary to convert those voices into effective coaches, there’s a lot you can do to help yourself.

Turn off the parts of the outer world that feed fear, despair and depression.  Turn off the television and radio; don’t read newspapers or magazines; stop checking the snippets of fear on your smart phone.  Don’t waste your life being discouraged by endless analysis of what’s wrong and the latest expert’s predictions of impending and long lasting doom.  Walk away politely from people who wallow in fear and panic.  You don’t need those moment-to-moment, panic-making obsessions to know what you need to do to stay strong and do your best.

Look around.  Who doesn’t waste their time worrying about the economy, but instead, handles things in as little time and with as little wasted energy as possible?  Who has an inner light that gives them joy even when they don’t have all the comfort and toys they want?  Ask them how they look at the world.

Make new friends and acquaintances who stimulate your strength, courage and joy.  Find other great people to stand with.  In one swift and mighty sweep, end the self-doubt, the need to analyze and question, the self-bullying and brainwashing.  You have great sources of inner strength and power, if you would but let yourself feel them.  You have the guts and grit to thrive in this little ice age.  Your ancestors did and you have their strong genes.

Don’t give in to self-bullying or harassment or abuse by other people.  Overcome your fears.  Be a courageous leader, wherever you are in your company.

Emerson was right when he said, “What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”