Managers must confront manipulative, troublemakers

Dealing effectively with problem employees can be hard – and risky.  Courage, judgment and skill are required, and supportive leaders help.  Despite the difficulties, if you want a productive environment, exposing the problem is necessary. Why is it so hard?  Some people would say human nature.  I say fear, training in avoidance, and lack of skill.

To read the rest of this article from the Business First of Columbus, see: Managers must confront manipulative troublemakers http://columbus.bizjournals.com/columbus/stories/2004/09/20/smallb4.html

Problem employees can be manipulative masters at ignoring the wishes of their supervisors, using legalistic arguments to defend themselves, pitting fellow employees against one another, spreading gossip and back-stabbing.  They’re harassing, bullying and abusive.  By the time they’re adults, they’ve had a lifetime to practice their techniques.

Our society generally doesn’t train us to be warriors.  We’re trained to play nice; avoid discomfort, fear and conflict; and take the path of least resistance.  Even people who discipline themselves at the refrigerator or gym often avoid looking someone in the eye and saying “That’s not good enough” or “We don’t act like that here.”

Discipline and practice are required to skillfully take on a problem employee.  It may be hard to overcome your hesitation and to value performance more than acting sweetly hypocritical.  So it’s hard.  So what?  It tests your mettle.

Some people think you’re asking a problem employee to change, which may be hard for them.  But that’s only a half-truth.  You’re telling them to make a choice: Change or be gone.  And their degree of difficulty is irrelevant.

Managers often hope to avoid opening emotional Pandora’s Boxes, particularly if they aren’t sure of their leaders’ support.  Executives sabotage themselves and their organizations when they try to avoid recognizing and dealing with problem people.

Imagine you’re a manager assembling a new team and you’ve inherited a manipulative, long-term employee who follows her own agenda, underperforms, gossips, releases confidential material to stir up trouble, creates friction within the team, violates boundaries, feels entitled to do whatever she wants, and yet tries to rally the team against you.  Let’s call her Jane.

See the original article for more details.

Many well-meaning managers give up at this point because their childhood attitudes and rules keep them from making anyone look or feel bad.  Magical thinking makes them try to buy Jane’s loyalty by covering up for her.  The task of rehabilitating someone like Jane seems so huge, managers continue begging, renegotiating agreements and accepting her behavior.

But let’s imagine that you’re made of stronger stuff – and add another complication.  You go to the vice president of Human Resources to ask for advice.  He tells you that’s just the way Jane is and she has said things about you in confidence, he can’t reveal.  His advice: overlook it, stop being so picky and placate Jane because she's upset.

Should you take on Jane and how? The choice is simple and clear: Feel helpless, complain, whine, look the other way and give Jane control of your team or summon courage, fortitude, perseverance and skill to test your company leaders.

Can you succeed? See the original article for more details.

Lessons for executives: These problems won’t resolve themselves favorably if you ignore them.  Don’t make an instant decision to keep the highest-ranking people.  Leaders cowed by difficult people are merely administrators.

Investigate and act with discretion.  Put your stamp on company culture by confronting these situations.  You are announcing who you want to be your followers – the manipulative (mediocre who resist improving) or the above-board (productive who want to be outstanding).

Often, individuals need coaching and organizations need consulting to help them design and implement a plan that fits the situation.  To get the help you need, call Ben at 1-877-828-5543.

Stop bullying by toxic teens

Many parents, especially single parents weighed down by guilt, allow themselves to be harassed, bullied and abused overtly and covertly by their teenagers who have finished high school and are physically and mentally fine.  They allow those big, toxic teens to hang out at home for free, doing nothing, while they wait on them and let the teens abuse them.  Unless the parents change, they’ll allow this behavior to last into their children’s twenties. No wonder these lazy, sullen, angry, sneering, sarcastic teenagers feel entitled.  Nothing bad ever happens to them when they trash the house, demand to be catered to and abuse their parents.

Tolerating bad behavior only enables it and encourages these teenagers to act worse.  No wonder these big brats don’t respect parents who don’t demand respect by having consequences when respect isn’t given.

These parents usually hope that if they’re nice enough to their abusive teenagers, someday the brats will like them and will wake up transformed.  The spoiled brats will then be as nice and polite as when they were little.  They’ll become self-supporting, hard workers.

This wishful thinking is wrong!

I’m not saying that the spoiled brats are bad people.  I am saying that permissive parents encourage kids to act out of the worst characteristics of their egos and personalities.  It’s always easier for these teens to sink down to the most lazy, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic parts of them.

These permissive parents are not setting high standards of polite and civil behavior.  Their expectations are too low.

Many of these permissive parents are secretly afraid that their big brats are too fragile to succeed, even though they’re mentally and physically capable.  They’re afraid that if they demanded good behavior and self-sufficiency, the teens will give up and fail.  Maybe, if they coddle them longer, they’ll change.  So they continue coddling and praying.

The same is true for brats who are juniors and seniors in high school.

Instead of giving in, assert yourself and protect your personal space, even against your precious flesh and blood.

1. Set standards of polite, civil behavior that are not up for debate.  Detail the standards and say that the list will be growing as you think of new ones.  Your bullying teen’s agreement or disagreement with the standards is irrelevant.  Stop negotiating endlessly over everything. Don’t let them wear you down in endless debates.  Your standards are requirements.
2. When they complain, keep saying, “That’s a real problem.  I hope you can solve it before you’re on the streets.”  You may make a suggestion one time, but after that, don’t accept responsibility for solving their problems.  Their difficulties don’t affect your applying consequences.
3. Have real and immediate consequences if your brat doesn’t live up to your standards.  Only have consequences you’ll actually apply. Your explosions, rage and threats are not consequences.  Most young adults think they’ve won when you’ve lost it.  They know you’ll feel guilty and relent.  Usually, effective, immediate consequences are that the big brat has to move out – no negotiation, no promises accepted. Performance counts; not promises.
4. See the grown kid as a “guest” in your home.  They have to behave like good guests or they can’t stay.  They have a choice: Behave and stay, or resist and leave.  It’s clear, straightforward and simple; just not easy for you.
5. Don’t give them a second chance; do the consequences you said.  Typically, since they’ve gotten away with being jerks for so, long they won’t believe you’ll really do anything.  So, they’ll push the boundaries to test you – maybe doing something minor to see if you’ll really act. And they’ll have their reasons, excuses, justifications and promises.  Or they’ll attack you verbally or physically.
6. Be crystal clear: If they threaten or assault you or your possessions, you’ll call the police like you would on any vandal you didn’t know Document evidence and report them.

If they treat you mean, don’t let them stay with you simply by paying rent.  Let them try treating a landlord mean.

The more you’re smiling, even-handed and matter of fact as you throw them out, the better.  You have good reason to be happy; you’re getting back your peace, quiet and space.  The moment they leave, get rid of their stuff; convert their room into something you can use.

It will do them a world of good to try living with a friend’s family or even with a bunch of friends.

What if they say you’re a bad mom? You have to know who is wiser – you or a selfish, petulant, narcissistic 19 year-old.

What if their friend’s parents think you’re a bad mom? You know what you know.  Those parents just told you they can be conned by your kid and that he needed kicked out.  He’s still trying to manipulate people to give him things, instead of working for them.  Also, they just told you that you don’t want them as friends.

What if your baby has to live on the streets or fails at life? We can never know what might be.  But we do know that teens who don’t exert themselves, need to be kicked out of the nest.  It’s the only way they have a chance to learn how to fly

After you throw them out, define the new relationship you want. You get together with people who are fun, interesting and treat you nice.  If they’re willing to do that, you’d be glad to meet them at restaurants or movies, and even treat them sometimes.  Your needs and wants are at least as important as theirs.

Is this emotional and financial blackmail? Definitely; you bet.  What’s the problem?  This is real adult life.

Stop trying to teach them life’s lessons but do continue to plant seeds. They’ve already decided not to learn the lessons of life from you.  They’ll have to learn them the hard way – from the world.  Stop trying to teach those lessons.

Continue to plant seeds about what it takes to be with you:

1. “If you fail, it’s your fault; I won’t be accepting guilt for your failures anymore.  Your task is to create a wonderful future no matter how much you think everyone, especially, me, has wronged you.”
2. “You’ll get more from me by being nice than by trying to beat me into submission.  If you use anger or rage, I’ll automatically say ‘No.’”
3. “If you make things fun for me, if you bribe me, I’ll consider doing some of the things you want.”
4. “Now that you’re older than three, any authority and control over your life has to be earned by your being nice (or sucking up to me) or by your supporting yourself and living independently.  You’d better have a skill so you can get a job to pay for a car, insurance, an apartment and food.  Earn them and you’ll earn the right to be in charge of your life.”

Sixteen to twenty five year-olds need to stop trying to get what they want by beating their parents and start getting it from the world by their own efforts.

How do you feel when you see them living on your couch when they’re 42?

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation. And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Abusive, Bullying Teachers

Which professions, in their teaching schools and in their on-the-job practices, foster or tolerate the worst and most flagrant forms of bullying?  I don’t know, but teaching is right up there with doctors and lawyers and others I may be overlooking. I see two kinds of principals running two very different kinds of public schools.

The smaller percent won’t tolerate bullying among the students, won’t tolerate bullying of the students by teachers and also won’t tolerate bullying of teachers by other teachers.  These principals and teachers are a pleasure to work with.  We can design policies and proactive programs to keep students and teachers safe and focused on teaching.  These people say, “We don’t tolerate bullying here.”

Unfortunately, the larger percent of principals and teachers tolerate or ignore bullying on the part of students and the faculty.  Even if they have anti-bullying policies, they don’t have effective programs and they won’t stand up to bullies – students or teachers.  They’re usually the schools at which principals and even counselors will look me in the eye and say, as if they believe it, “We have no bullying here,” – even though teachers and students know who the bullies are and where, when and how the bullying occurs, and they’ve complained publically about bullying, and even after there have been suicides.

By the way, not only public schools, but also colleges, universities and professional, post-graduate training schools (teacher training, medical schools, and law schools) are hotbeds of faculty harassing and bullying students, and faculty bullying other faculty.  Don’t believe me?  Check out the law suits and blogs.  Ask the teachers, doctors and lawyers you know personally.  Ask about arrogant, narcissistic, abusive control-freaks. How do teachers bully other teachers?

• Senior individuals, including principals, have power and control over junior teachers and will misuse that power for personal reasons, including sex.  One variant is, “Suck up to me or I’ll sabotage your career.”  Another is, “I’m powerful and I enjoy making you squirm.”  Or, “They did it to me and now I’ll do it to you.”  And, “It’s for your own good.  It’ll make you stronger.”
• Often, cliques of senior or even junior teachers try to run the show.  One variant is, “Join our clique and suck up to us or else.”  Another is, “Don’t change my perks or the status quo, and don’t threaten my job.  Don’t expose our failures or dirty laundry even though we’re not changing.  If you do, we’ll get you.”  Their favorite tactics are to ostracize the offender and to blame all the problems on him or her.  These vicious gangs will try to silence or remove offenders for nitpicky, trumped up reasons.

What can you do if you’re managing such an environment?

• In my experience, successful change starts from the top down.
• At a college, university or professional school, it takes a very powerful and very politically astute new administrator or new department head to change the environment.  The new person will have to weed through his staff slowly and carefully, replacing the worst bullies and narcissists for legal reasons and in legal ways.  He’ll have to have support because there will be widespread personal attacks and law suits.
• At a public school, change requires a new principal supported by the district administrators and school boards.  The new principal will have to be a master at enrolling a core group of supportive teachers and the media, and maneuvering around the union.  Entrenched people, like infected splinters, are hard to reach and remove.  But persevering and savvy principals can set a new tone in their schools.

What can you do if you’re a target?

• Notice the signs.  If you’re ignored, blamed or attacked in public, especially in front of students, you’re being set-up to be the target of a public media campaign as a troublemaker who needs fired for the well-being of the school.  There’s no negotiating with these righteous predators and flying low won’t get them to back off.  You won’t get the union to back you.
• Hire a good lawyer who knows how to get the right publicity – not the school lawyer.  Being right won’t prevent a smear campaign, full of innuendos and lies, against you.  Learn what to document on your home computer.
• You’ll probably end up looking for a job in another state with one of the few district administrators who can see the truth and are willing to take a chance on a “potential troublemaker.”

It’s particularly sad when the people who are responsible to guard our children against bullying are bullies themselves.  We each have to fight our own private battle against abuse by people in power or those out of power who want to gain power and control.

Hire an expert coach and read the examples in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?

One of the questions I’m most often asked is, “Why Do Bullies Keep Abusing Us?” I hear that from:

• Kids who want to stop bullies and cvber bullies at school.
• Adults who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and friends.
• Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.
• Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.

That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way.  Why is that person so nasty to me?”

The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world.  As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return.  These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.

The hidden fears behind the question are:

1. “Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.”  Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk.  Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.”  Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”
2. “If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.”  Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable.  Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets.  Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”

Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks.  Distinguish between two questions:

1. Why do children try bullying tactics?
2. Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?

The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics.  That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not.  Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.

Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us.  It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want.  Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.

Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want.  We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.

There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.

1. Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know.  Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.
2. They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying.  Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong.  You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.
3. There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.

Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem.  To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.”  This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.”  These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.

Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first.  Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now. Educating bullies begins with stopping them.  Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.

So why do bullies keep abusing us: Because they’re not stopped by the responsible adults.  Also, the responsible adults don’t train the targets and bystanders how to stop the bullies.  In addition, principals, teachers and parents often punish the targets for taking matters into their own hands, tongues or fists.

The secret to stopping bullies is to stop them.  Be as firm as you need – bullies will show you what you must do to stop them.