Educating Bullies or Protecting Targets in Schools: Which is Better?

In a previous article, “Best Methods to Stop Bullying in Schools,” I came out strongly against principals, teachers and school programs that focused only on stopping bullies by understanding, education, compassion, forgiveness and therapy of bullies, without any effective effort to stop the bullying.  They had no strong and firm consequences for harassment, taunting, teasing or physical abuse; or for any of the forms of bullying – overt, covert, verbal, emotional, physical and cyberbullying. Some commentators challenged my views – they insisted that changing the attitudes of bullies should be the major goal of educators and they quoted the parables of the Prodigal Son and the Golden Rule.

These well-meaning commentators, using the parable of the Prodigal Son, said that our hearts should go out to the poor bullies.  They imagined these abusive predators as having horrible childhoods that caused them to turn to bullying to gain control and power, and to boost their confidence and self-esteem.  Just like the Prodigal Son, bullies don’t know any better.

These commentators seemed to think that, just like the Prodigal Son, saving the bully is more important than the feelings of the targets. They think the bully was more of a victim of his upbringing than the people he was victimizing.  They seemed to think that we had an either-or-choice: to focus on understanding, love and forgiveness in an effort to educate bullies or to punish them, make them feel bad and drive them further into anti-social ways of acting.

Therefore, they claimed that all efforts should be directed at educating and rehabilitating bullies.

I disagree.  The choice between educating bullies or protecting targets is a false choice.  I think we must use both approaches and in a specific sequence:

1. Stop bullies in their tracks with swift, firm, strong consequences for bullying.
2. With compassion; educate, therapeutize and rehabilitate bullies.

Then, we’ll see which bullies rapidly change their behavior and which will remain narcissistic bullies.

I do not think the one – the bully or Prodigal Son – is more important than the many – the targets of bullying and abuse. I prefer Mr. Spock’s judgment, from the original Star Trek, “Never sacrifice the many for the sake on the one.”  I’d rather protect the many targets of bullying so they’re not converted into victims.  I worry first about the many precious psyches of the targets before I worry about the few damaged psyches of the bullies.  First, create a safe environment for the targets.  Then rehabilitate the bullies, if possible.

Begging, appeasement and the Golden Rule do not stop relentless bullies.

The better analogy is the abusive husband and the battered wife – or vice versa. Would those commentators, who have such tremendous sympathy for bullies, tell battered women to:

• Endure as many beatings as it takes while enough psychotherapy is done to change an abusive husband’s attitudes?
• Endure as much abuse as it takes until the battering husband is convinced to try other methods of interaction?
• Let their children be tormented for as long as it takes to teach the bully new skills of dealing with his frustration at not getting what he wants and for him to master new skills of communication and negotiation?

We protect the targets.  We remove the bully.  We don’t let the target be subjected to repeated victimization while we get swayed by our sympathy for the abuse we think the batterer must have had when he was a child.

I think that, in general, the first step in changing the behavior of bullies is to have strong consequences.  Then education, compassion and therapy have a chance.  But at least, during that time targets are protected and safe.

For some examples, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop battles between "leapers" and "steppers"

If you have a “leaper” and a “stepper” on your staff who are at war with one another, you have a big problem that needs immediate attention. Leapers are people with fast biological clocks.  Steppers approach the world slowly and cautiously.  Their very different views of the world can lead to disastrous results if they’re put into roles that make them dependent on one another to complete tasks.

For example, Larry the leaper and Steve the stepper are on the same technical team.

To read the rest of this article from the Charlotte Business Journal, see: Stop battles between ‘leapers’ and ‘steppers’ http://www.bizjournals.com/charlotte/stories/2008/12/08/smallb4.html

The more invested they are in the rightness of their styles, the faster the gulf between them will widen until their differences become irreconcilable.  When they go to war, they’ll both look to you as their manager to punish the other (guilty) person and to excuse their own transgressions.

The war will feel like a crusade and become toxic through out the office.  They’ll misunderstand and see negativity or evil intent in almost every action and email.  They’ll begin to harass, bully, abuse and sabotage, and attempt to line up supporters.

Intervene as soon as possible, before hostilities engulf the whole office.

Be careful yourself; don’t empower one to be the controlling bully on your team.  Don’t harass, coerce or force your preferred pattern on everyone.

Learn what you can do to eliminate the high cost of bullying, aggressive low attitudes of managers and staff.

All tactics are situational.  Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan that fits you and your organization.

To Stop Bullies, Should Kids Ever Fight Back?

Jane’s 5 year-old daughter, Jenny, had been tormented for months by a bully in her class.  Even though the bullying girl was the same size as Jenny, she repeated took whatever Jenny was playing with, shoved Jenny down repeatedly and often pulled her clothes and hair. Jane had told her daughter that physical violence was never the answer.  Jenny should never sink to a bully’s level.  Also, the incidents were no big deal, the bully was probably bullied at home and didn’t know any better, Jenny should rise above and be the better and nicer person, Jenny should try to play nicely with the bully and make friends with her by giving the bully her toys, and to tell her teacher when incidents occurred.

The teacher talked to the bully but never stopped her behavior.

Eventually, one day, the bully grabbed a toy from Jenny and scratched her face.  In a fit of anger Jenny pushed the bully down and scratched her face really hard.  The bully backed away and cried.  The teacher was outraged at Jenny’s retaliation, sent her to the principal’s office and had Jane called.

What should Jane do?

First, what Jane did was to be very apologetic to the principal and teacher on Jenny’s behalf and then verbally chastise her daughter in the principal’s office for fighting back.  Fortunately for Jenny:

• Her mother did not make Jenny apologize face-to-face to the bully and the teacher was so busy and distracted that she forgot to punish Jenny in front of the bully.
• She felt so good after fighting back and winning that she ignored her mother’s attempts to lash her with shame, blame and guilt.  When she went back into class she gave the bully a dirty look and smiled threateningly at her.  That was Jenny taking her own power instead of waiting for someone to empower her.

Jane illustrates how well-meaning parents can be the number one risk factor in converting targets into victims.

What would I recommend Jane do instead?  Should kids like Jenny ever fight back?

• Jane should direct her anger at the teacher and principal who hadn’t protected her daughter from a bully.  Actually she should have been doing that all along, not simply after this incident.  She should have made repeated complaints, in writing, up the chain of responsibility of the school district.  Schools can create effective stop-bullying programs.
• She should have found out if other kids were being bullied at the school.  She should have rallied those parents, contacted lawyers and gotten the media involved in publicizing the do-nothing principals and district administrators who are a major factor in bullying-caused suicides.
• If I were Jenny’s parent, I’d take her out for ice cream or an even bigger treat.  I’d congratulate her on successfully defending herself.  I’d tell her that she’s probably going to have to hurt the bully once more because many bullies are boundary pushers.  The bully will probably try her old tactics once more to test Jenny’s courage, determination and resolve.
• I’d tell her that as she grows older, I’ll teach her how to fight back verbally and that if she learns verbal martial arts, she may not ever have to use physical methods.  But I’d see that she learns these also.
• I’d also tell her that her teacher and principal are cowards and jerks.  They don’t protect targets from predators under their care.  A 5 year-old can understand that.  So Jenny should just be quiet and nod when they lecture her, and she should ignore what they say.  If niceness doesn’t stop bullies, then Jenny should get me involved and if the authorities won’t protect her, she must use force.

When harassment, bullying and abuse are tolerated they don’t remain isolated incidents.  Instead, bullying rapidly becomes a generally accepted pattern at a school or a district.  When adults don’t fulfill their responsibilities, bullies realize they have the power to do whatever they want.  Other kids get lured into bullying or become bystanders instead of witnesses.  Behavior settles to the lowest common denominator.

Begging, bribery, appeasement, understanding, forgiveness, wishful thinking and the Golden Rule don’t stop bullies.  Unconditional love of bullies doesn’t stop their behavior.  Relentless bullies are predators.  Kindness doesn’t stop them; they misinterpret our kindness as weakness and an invitation to harm us more.

I’ve been interviewed many times on radio and television programs.  Almost every woman who has interviewed me was a Jenny whose mother told her to take the high road and never fight back, verbally or physically.  But unlike Jenny, they grew up being “nice girls.” Now, they wallow in negative second-guessing and self-doubt, and a little depression and defeatism because they never learned how to protect themselves.  Now, they bear some anger toward their mothers.

They’re also unable to stop bullies at work or to teach their children how to stop bullies in school.

But they’re all eager to learn how to stop bullies and how to make school officials protect their children, whether they want to or not.

For some examples, see the case studies in “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” the companion book to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, expert coaching by phone or Skype helps.  We can design a plan that fits you and your situation.  And build your will and skill to carry it out effectively.

Stop Bullies: Forgiveness Won't Work

My personal and professional experience is that forgiveness doesn’t stop real-world bullies. Most people think forgiveness consists of two things:

1. Some surge of feelings that makes us more kindly disposed toward a person who has injured us, whether intentionally or not.  Words in dictionaries include:

• A thawing or understanding, caring, sympathy, empathy, compassion, pity, pardoning, clemency, mercy, kindness and benevolence and
• A letting go of anger, resentment, the desire to punish, vindictiveness and revenge.

1. Putting ourselves back into the same situation with that bully to show that we trust him not to take advantage of us or harm us.

Many people are addicted to those wonderful feelings of forgiveness.  They feel morally superior and spiritually advanced.

Indeed, when our hearts open up, a bridge of good will and good behavior can be created.  The other person may be genuinely sorry for their behavior and won’t do it again.  If possible, amends can be made with a reciprocal flow of open-heartedness.  Subsequent interactions can be founded on charity and caring.

There have even been documented cases in which parents have forgiven the murderer of their child, and the murderer was transformed and spent the rest of his life making amends and teaching others about the bond of caring that can exist between all humans.

Real-world bullies – relentless, narcissistic control-freaks; mean, nasty, emotional manipulators and blackmailers; taunting, harassing, abusive predators – don’t stop because we forgive them.  Indeed, they interpret forgiveness, understanding and caring just like they interpret unconditional love – as signs of weakness and invitations to increase bullying and take advantage of us more.

I think of forgiveness in a totally different way.  When we’ve forgiven someone, they don’t occupy much space in our thoughts and lives.  We simply don’t think about them much.

If we observe people carefully, we can see that we usually get to that place of forgiveness when we’re confident that we’ve met two conditions:

1. We know that we’re protected from that bully; we have the awareness and skill so that we won’t let them harm us again.
2. We also want to see them make amends that require effort and sacrifice.  It’s not enough that they apologize or promise they’ll never do it again.  Talk is cheap; it’s too easy to say, “Sorry” one time.  We want to see acts that make amends over time.

Also, our confidence is not about whether or not the bully has transformed and won’t hurt us again.  We’re simply confident in our own abilities.  Then we can stop obsessing on the incidents of abuse and bullying, and focus on what we want to do in our lives.

Our previous obsession with the pain of bullying was simply motivation, a strong reminder that we don’t want to experience that ever again.  Once we’re sure ourselves, we no longer need to revisit the painful incident to remind us to be prepared.

But how about the idea of putting ourselves back into the same situation again to show forgiveness?  Nonsense.  Although we can see the spirit of goodness within each person, that’s not what we get to deal with in the physical world.  We get to deal with their personality and ego.

Before we trust someone and allow them in our lives, we should observe them in many situations, time after time.  We should observe their behavior, not the reasons, excuses and justifications for their actions.  We should permit them to move closer by small steps.

Personally, if the pain caused by the bully was great, I don’t want them in my life again, no matter how much they want to continue and promise they’ve changed.  We can go our separate ways.  I can observe from a distance and after 20-30 years I might change my mind about interacting.

There are many processes we can use to reach that level of determination and skill.

Why do I take this strong stand?

Because I’ve seen so many sneaky, manipulative, toxic parents who, after a lifetime of battering and spurning their children, get old and want those children to serve them.  The parents now admit they were wrong and insist that the children take them back and cater to their wishes.  The emotional blackmail is, “If you were a truly forgiving person, you’d be understanding and kind, and care for us now.”  But these toxic parents don’t stop bullying their children.  They’re merely narcissistic, control-freaks demanding or blackmailing or using guilt to get what they want.

I’ve seen so many abusive husbands beg their victims for forgiveness, and then after a short period of good behavior, go right back to battering.

Why put yourself in harm’s way?  Let these bullies practice being transformed on other people’s bodies.  Watch them from a distance for 20-30 years to see if they’re sincere and can keep their promises.

But let’s go back and ask, “What if you’ve forgiven the murderer of your child, but the murderer wasn’t transformed by your forgiveness?”  You’ve lost nothing.  The murderer is still behind bars, I hope forever or awaiting the death penalty, and you’re still on the outside.  Nothing will bring your child back so you might as well think only rarely of the murderer and think often of your child and how you want to live now.

Self-forgiveness is akin to this, but it’ll be the subject of another article.

You choose which way of looking at forgiveness you want; which criteria you’ll follow before you forgive.  Which way gives us the kind of life we want: to feel spiritually advanced and get taken advantage of repeatedly or to keep bullies out of our internal and external worlds?

Of course, your plan must fit you, your family and the situation.  With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying.  We can overcome childhood rules that aren’t appropriate to our desire to thrive in the real-world.

Amy Chua, "The Chinese Mother," is a Bully

Amy Chua’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” has gotten enough publicity to make her book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,” a best seller.  She’s clear that she uses the term “Chinese Mother” to represent a certain way of treating children that may be found in people from many, many cultures. If many people adopt her style of parenting in order to make their children play at Carnegie Hall that would be a shame.  Amy Chua is an abusive bully.

She beats her children into submission and claims that they’ll have great self-esteem as well as becoming successful in the competitive jungle of life because they can accomplish the very few things Ms. Chua thinks are important.

They also won’t suffer from anxiety, nightmares, negative self-talk and depression because they’ll be successful in her real world.  The bullying and beatings will make them as tough as nails.  They’ll wipe out your kids; you lazy, slacking, guilt-ridden, ambivalent, permissive American parents.

Some of her ideas and claims are:

• “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it.  To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”
• “Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight “As.”  Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best.”
• “Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem…Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches.  Chinese parents aren't.  They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”
• “Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them.  If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough.  That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child.”
• “Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything.”
• “Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.”

Therefore, she proudly states that never allowed her daughters to:

• “attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.”

Why will some people take her seriously? People who think that American culture produces only losers – selfish, lazy, narcissistic, weak, slacker teenagers and adults who will never succeed – will be tempted to improve their children’s test scores acting like Ms. Chua did.  People who enjoy beating their children into submission will be tempted to use her ideas as a justification for dominating and abusing their children.  People who think that China is the next rising super-power and that today’s Chinese children will rule the world and our children won’t be strong and determined enough to stop them will be tempted to channel their children down Ms. Chua’s narrow track.

There’s a grain of sense in what she says, but that grain is covered by a mountain of brutality that will be successful in creating only slaves or another generation of bullying parents, not in creating fully human beings.

What’s wrong with Ms. Chua’s ideas?

• She lives in a kill-or-be-killed world of desperate striving for the most material rewards of success.
• She’s rigid, narrow, and all-or-none with only two possibilities.
• She allows only a few criteria for success – Stanford or Yale, violin or piano, maybe ballet.  I assume only one or two acceptable careers like lawyer or professor.
• She assumes that there are only totally slacking children (Americans) or totally successful children (with “Chinese Mothers”).  If you give children an inch, they’ll become complete failures.
• She assumes that there’s only one way to get children to work and succeed.  Because no children want to work at the right subjects, you must beat them into submission physically, verbally and emotionally.
• She thinks that the only way her children can be successful and happy and honor their parents is to be champions at her approved activities.
• There’s almost no joy in their lives.  Yes, there’s a moment when her daughter masters a difficult two-handed exercise.  But the best that the rest of life holds is the thrill of victory and success at winning.  There’s no possibility for joy in doing activities that thrill your soul and uplift your spirit.

Ms. Chua has only one value – compete and defeat; win at any cost. This is a great and necessary value.  It has made our society the first world.  But if when the only value, when she ignores all the other equally great and necessary values she becomes inhuman – a barbarian, a torturer, no better than a Nazi or Communist or Fascist.

No wonder she’s aghast at all the personal attacks.  She may be a brilliant law professor and accomplished writer but she’s completely out of touch with the world’s great traditions championing other values like great character, individuality, liberty, self-determination, love, beauty, compassion, spirituality and human connection.  That’s why people take it so personally.  Ms. Chua is attacking our most cherished values; cherished for good reasons.  These values make us human in our most fundamental American, western ways.

Ms. Chua represents inhumanity justified by Darwin and Marx.  She represents a revival of B.F. Skinner’s way of raising his daughter in a “Skinner Box,” as if she was a pigeon.  When she grew up she sued him.

A better approach:

• Have you observed your children individually and carefully?  One approach does not fit them all.
• Which children need you to provide more structure and which will be dedicated and determined on their own?  Which children respond better when they’re encouraged and which respond better to having their imperfections pointed out?  This is where expert coaching is helpful to design approaches that fit you and each child.
• What are your children passionate about so they become energetic and determined on their own?  Are following an artists path, playing the oboe, writing “silly” stories like “The Little Prince,” learning to program computers, studying bugs and strange sea creatures, mastering any sport, being a person who inspires others to be the best they can be, dedicating yourself to raising independent and creative children living rich and full lives, being a craftsman who makes great pianos or violins, coaching basketball teams at “minor schools” like University of Connecticut or UCLA to set winning-record streaks, being entrepreneurs like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, making movies, loving children and a thousand other endeavors worthwhile to you?  How can you encourage and nurture your child’s dedication and skill in those areas?
• Character is critical.  All of the world’s great literature points to the deficiencies of social climbers, bureaucrats and people whose only focus is to win at all costs.  What would Ms. Chua have created if she could have gotten her hands on the children who became, for example, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Charles Dickens or Alexander Solzhenitsyn?  Or great figures in the world from Joan of Arc, Hildegard of Bingen and Mahatma Gandhi to Martin Luther King Jr. or Aung San Suu Kyi, to name only five of thousands.
• Don’t be a victim of your parents’ ideas about what constitutes success and how to achieve it.  You can give your children the tools of the mind, will and spirit and let them create their own lives that they’ll love.

By the way, Ayalet Waldman wrote a somewhat tongue-in-cheek response in the Wall Street Journal, “In Defense of the Guilty, Ambivalent, Preoccupied Western Mom.”  In part she defends her children’s choices and her catering to those choices.  In part she also defends her selfish desires to discourage her children when their activities would inconvenience her.  That’s not the answer either.

All of the poles in this discussion are the wrong places to be – being a wimpy parent or an uncaring, selfish parent or a brute.

Instead, find the fire in your children and feed that fire.  Help them become skillful and competent in areas that matter most to them.  Help them create a life that’s uniquely theirs, not one you think is proper or best for them.

Why do I say that Ms. Chua is abusive and a bully?  Let’s review – what do “Chinese Mothers” and bullies have in common.

• Bullies and “Chinese Mothers” don’t care what you think or how much pain you feel.
• Bullies and “Chinese Mothers” can do what they want to you and you’d better like it.
• Bullies and “Chinese Mothers” are right and righteous.
• Bullies and “Chinese Mothers” are the best because they’re the winners in life.
• Control-freak bullies and “Chinese Mothers” beat you into submission for your own good.
• Control-freak bullies and “Chinese Mothers” isolate you and make you dependent on them.

My conclusion is that if it looks like a bully, if it acts like a bully and if it feels like bullying then it’s a bully, even if it calls itself “Mommie Dearest.”

Stop Self-Bullying Victim Talk Before You Attract More Predators

Sometimes we need to replay the horrible things that people did to us – whether it was once or repeatedly, whether they were the perpetrators or they stood by or even colluded and ignored the abuse and our pain.  Sometime we need to get angry and vent and imagine all the ways we could retaliate and extract vengeance and justice.  Sometimes we blame ourselves, wishing we could finally win their love and undo the hurt.  During those times we typically say, “It’s not fair.  Why me?  Why don’t they understand and appreciate me?  What did I do wrong?” But in the end, whatever the specifics of our situations, we all know where we have to get to if we’re going to make the rest of our lives worth living.

By whatever process we use successfully, through whatever pain we have to endure, after we stop the harassment, bullying, abuse and torment inflicted upon us, we have two choices – to let our lives be destroyed by the rotten people who abused us or to move on somehow, to create families and lives worth living.

I’m not minimizing the damage and the pain or the time it may take, but throughout history, we see the same pattern in response to individual and cultural or societal horrors.  Some people’s spirits are destroyed by what was done to them.  Other people stay alive and vital.

Examples are all around of famous individuals who turned their backs on the perpetrators and moved on – Maya Angelou and Winston Churchill easily come to mind.  There are also inspiring examples known only to our families.  We must keep our eyes focused on the light at the end of the tunnel of pain – the light that reminds us to keep moving ahead despite the temporary discouragement, depression and despair. What keeps most people stuck in the abyss of pain for years; long after they’re physically and fiscally capable of separating?  Mostly, it’s a combination of:

• Wanting the perpetrators to acknowledge what they did and to apologize or beg for our forgiveness.  Or wanting vindication and revenge.
• Wanting the bullies to give us the love or money we desperately desire and deserve.  We waste hours trying to figure out how to say and do the right things so that we’ll finally win the love and respect we want.
• We don’t know how to stop replaying the pain, which triggers emotional hell and reinforces the connection to the past.

There may be other desires that keep us enmeshed with the perpetrators or with our memories of past abuse but, in order to get free, we don’t need an exhaustive list or even to know the specific one that keeps us trapped.

Real predators – real bullies, abusers, perpetrators – no matter what their reasons and excuses, do not change.  Staying enmeshed in a dance of pain and anger only leads to spiritual death.  On this path, there is no rebirth; there is no new life.

We recognize someone still trapped in the pain and victim talk, not ready to move on when we hear them:

• Whining and complaining about how unfair it is, how they don’t understand why the bullies keep bullying them, how there seems no way of getting justice.
• Beating themselves because they aren’t perfect enough for their abusers.
• Championing their pain as different and greater than anyone else’s or saying that their hurt and pain was so bad that they’ve been damaged for the rest of their lives.
• Wallowing in negative self-talk and self-abuse.

The results of this self-bullying victim talk are clear – stress, anxiety, self-doubt, guilt, shame, panic, low self-confidence and self-esteem; huge overreactions as if everything is a matter of life or death; a life ruled by the past, time wasted circling around the carcass of the past, chewing over the gristle of every past and present episode of abuse. The light at the end of the tunnel is when our spirits rise and make us indomitable and invulnerable, determined and indefatigable; when:

• We won’t be weighed down by the baggage of the past.  We don’t have to please the perpetrators or excuse or justify our behavior to our abusers and we also don’t have to rebel any more just to prove that we’re independent.  We stop sacrificing ourselves for further flagellation and spurning.
• The voices of the past become irrelevant; we now make decisions directed by our own spirits.
• We won’t be at the mercy of external events, especially the past.  Instead we’ll create our own futures, no matter what.

This is the goal of all the talk, catharsis, coaching.  We become our original, fiery selves – strong, brave and determined – and now skilled adults.

In this new state, the fear of failure or success is gone.  We no longer view the world through the lens of “deserve, justify, punish or forgive.”  The emotional motivation cycle – endless self-criticism and self analysis, and then criticism of the criticism, and then criticism of the criticism of the criticism – of the old victim side of us is gone.

We no longer have overwhelming emotional reactions to whatever happens.  Mistakes are no longer life threatening.  Failing at something is no longer a portent of a bleak future.  Doing something wrong no longer consigns us to hell forever.

We ride through these ups and downs, buoyed by certain knowledge that we’ll keep plugging along, doing what we can, following our Heart’s Desire.

From here we can easily recognize other people who are still in the old place – underneath their franticness and self-flagellation, they look and sound like victims, not willing to do whatever it takes to protect themselves; attracting old and new predators.  Predators also recognize easy targets.

From here we can see how boring the victim personality is.  It’s all about their pain and problems, as if that’s really who they are.  They’re still trying to squeeze love or justification from a stone.  They still want to interact with scavengers.

In our new space, we’re interested and interesting, excited and exciting.  We focus on what feeds our spirits; not on endless cud-chewing and psychoanalysis.  We leave the predators behind and seek the families of our hearts and spirits.

The process of leaving the old, victim place usually includes many instantaneous epiphanies, as well as the time necessary to develop new habits through many ups and downs.  But that’s merely a process to leave the old and to be completely comfortable in the new.

When we live in a state of inner freedom, we don’t forget the pain.  We remember that abuse all our lives.  We hold that memory sacred – but we don’t use the pain to motivate ourselves, we convert it to a source of strength and courage to create a new life, a life that’s built on the ashes of childhood dreams destroyed.

Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?

One of the questions I’m most often asked is, “Why Do Bullies Keep Abusing Us?” I hear that from:

• Kids who want to stop bullies and cvber bullies at school.
• Adults who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and friends.
• Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.
• Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.

That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way.  Why is that person so nasty to me?”

The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world.  As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return.  These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.

The hidden fears behind the question are:

1. “Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.”  Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk.  Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.”  Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”
2. “If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.”  Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable.  Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets.  Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”

Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks.  Distinguish between two questions:

1. Why do children try bullying tactics?
2. Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?

The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics.  That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not.  Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.

Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us.  It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want.  Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.

Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want.  We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.

There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.

1. Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know.  Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.
2. They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying.  Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong.  You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.
3. There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.

Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem.  To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.”  This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.”  These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.

Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first.  Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now. Educating bullies begins with stopping them.  Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.

So why do bullies keep abusing us: Because they’re not stopped by the responsible adults.  Also, the responsible adults don’t train the targets and bystanders how to stop the bullies.  In addition, principals, teachers and parents often punish the targets for taking matters into their own hands, tongues or fists.

The secret to stopping bullies is to stop them.  Be as firm as you need – bullies will show you what you must do to stop them.

How to stop a controlling boyfriend

Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free. Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career.  She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.

When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life.  He seemed to think so also.  He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home.  He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.

But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.

When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to.  Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank.  But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance.  He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.

He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted.  Or he could always win debates with her.

Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him.  He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down.  She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him.  And she was afraid that he might even dump her.  Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.

None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans.  He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans.  They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects.  He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.

At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.”  She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.”  She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer.  Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.”  Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving.  That means right now!”

Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No.  If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying.  I’ll get a ride or a take cab home.  I won’t be long.”

Frank stormed off.  When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious.  He yelled, “I’m in charge.  If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”

Madge felt like a chastised little girl.  She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him.  I could have left with him as he wanted.  It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.”  She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.”  When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl.  Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”

At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start.  Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage.  “Wait a minute,” she thought.  “It’s my house, not his.”  At that moment her head and heart turned around.  She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was.  Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.

Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.  Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.

Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money.  He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life.  And she had allowed him to.

I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life.  That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad.  But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.

Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Teacher manipulated by ‘professional victim’, a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

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Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.