With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Unconditional love is martyrdom (and bad for them)

Tina (fictitious name) grew up with a mother who never took care of her or her siblings. Tina stepped up at five years-old and became the caretaker. Her mother was negative and critical of Tina’s efforts, no matter how competent Tina became. Tina vowed she’d do better for her children. She’d love them unconditionally, which meant she’d never let them feel the stress and pain she’d felt.

Tina succeeded. She became “The Good Mom.” She made them the center of her life. She gave her children everything, all the time. Tina wasn’t going to let them suffer like she had.

As they grew up, her children chose to follow the path of their do-nothing, manipulative, lazy, always-have-excuses father, Tina’s ex-husband. They became selfish, entitled, greedy, bullying, narcissistic adults who were toxic to Tina. They never contacted her, she wasn’t allowed to see her grandchildren, she was excluded from any holidays or celebration (even Mother’s day). They ran to her when they needed and threw her away after they’d gotten what they wanted. When they got together, usually with their father who still gave nothing, the “cult” criticized everything Tina did; she was never good enough.

Tina thought she had to love her adult children more; to love them unconditionally.

The unconditional love her bullying, abusive, narcissistic, toxic adult children demanded from Tina meant she had to give them everything they wanted, she had to them happy and she had to gladly accept the verbal abuse they heaped on her. No matter how angry she got, she had to keep her vow. She had to forgive them. When they dangled a carrot in order to get what they wanted, she’d jump in hopes they’d finally changed. But they were simply like Lucy, whipping the football away and letting Charlie Brown land hard on his back.

Tina finally realized she was hurting her adult children by instantly relieving their stress and making them happy.

Even though they’d chosen the easy and selfish way themselves, she’d participated by not allowing them to struggle for success. She’d participated in keeping them petulant, incompetent and spoiled. Her guilt helped Tina remember to do the opposite of what she’d always done.

Not only was she hurting them, she was hurting herself.

Her original, childhood vow hadn’t included herself. One-way, unconditional love meant she’d always be the victim, the martyr. That was not the life she wanted.

Tina forgave herself and stopped enabling and rescuing them.

The vow she’d taken as a child was the best a good and strong little girl could think of. And it helped make her competent and caring. She’d also hoped her unconditional love would earn her love in return but it hadn’t. Now she vowed to take care of herself.

She decided not to make a big proclamation to her children. She simply stopped rushing in to solve their problems. She sympathized with their stress and pain but she didn’t fix it. Not only that, she stopped giving them advice and resources. She told them she knew they were smart enough to figure out what they needed. She’d cheer from the sidelines.

Her children didn’t like not being rescued.

At first they tried even harder to beat Tina into submission. Next they pulled the cult together more tightly to exclude her. Tina missed her grandchildren but she stayed firm and happy enjoying her new life. So when that didn’t get her adult children what they wanted, a few defected and started to treat Tina nicely in hopes of getting what they wanted.

The big shock to them was when Tina stopped jumping for the carrots they dangled. She was glad to reciprocate nice, polite interactions but she stopped offering advice and solving their problems. The best thing for them and her would be to let them experience and deal with the realities, the ups and downs of life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists: Liberate yourself from the Matrix of your old life

Stella (fictitious name) realized she was trapped in the Matrix of her old life – her old rules, beliefs, roles, values and even the old vows she’d taken when she was a little girl. She felt caught in a spider’s web and the more she struggled, the more trapped she felt.

Stella’s oldest daughter chose to be an entitled, selfish, bullying narcissist.

When Stella stopped giving her oldest daughter everything she wanted after she graduated from college, the girl turned on her both in person and online. In front of friends and family, she’d say what a horrible mother Stella had always been, how she felt rejected and abandoned when Stella wouldn’t give what she wanted, how her life had been ruined because Stella was cruel and unloving. She was constantly negative, critical, cruel and abusive. She made up lies about Stella. When Stella tried to use facts and logic to rebut her daughter’s claims, she threw hysterical fits.

Then she started brainwashing her younger sister. She twisted everything Stella had ever said in order to turn her sister against Stella.

The Matrix Stella accepted from her old life kept her from responding effectively.

A few of the old rules Stella still accepted were:

• * Be a nice girl, rise above, never get angry.

• * Never say anything bad about people, even when they hurt you. Always see the best side of someone, forgive their weaknesses, they must have been hurt when they were younger.

• * Never say anything to hurt someone’s feelings, never to punish or strike-back, never to be vindictive or retaliate.

• * Never make a scene in public.

• * It’s my fault if people are angry, if I gave enough, everyone would love me and be nice.

And there were many others.

In addition, Stella’s parents had always fought and had created a life of chaos for their children. Every angry scene meant danger, followed by emotional and physical pain. Negativity, cutting criticism and mental cruelty were continuing. Stella had vowed to make peace and to protect her parents and siblings. She swore to herself that when she grew up, she’d never get in arguments with anyone, especially her children.

Her fallback question was always, “What did I do wrong?” She assumed if she apologized and gave people what they wanted, she’d make peace. She packed shame and guilt into her self-talk.

The old Matrix helped Stella survive childhood but trapped her as an adult.

She realized her old ideas and childhood strategies with her abusive, uncaring parents had helped her survive. If she’d resisted the mental and emotional torture, and the beatings would have been worse.

Her old ideas and vows had not redeemed her bullying, abusive, narcissistic husband from his childhood Matrix. He’d gotten worse every time he’d made her give in and accept his verbal and physical attacks.

Despite all Stella’s attempts to teach her daughter differently, she now accepted that her daughter had repeated the same pattern as her father. Her daughter had not chosen to follow Stella’s examples. Her daughter found it easier to be a righteous hater than to be an open, caring, loving person. Instead she lived in her own Matrix that justified her trying to ruin her mother’s life.

In grief and desperation to save herself, Stella wrenched herself from her old Matrix.

The exercise she did put her squarely in a new, effective set of ideas, beliefs, rules and attitudes, developed from her experience and adult wisdom. She was no longer controlled and held back by old, ineffective rules. Step-by-step she destroyed the spider’s web that had enmeshed her as a victim.

She became excited to tell the truth about her daughter to the rest of the family. She found ways to characterize her daughter that stayed in everyone else’s minds. She found ways to block her daughter’s attempts to beat her into submission and to isolate her from her other child and much of her family. She became free to become the person she’d always wanted to be.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic husbands won’t let you go easily

Patty thought her husband would be thrilled when she wanted to leave the long-dead marriage, but she was wrong. She thought that since the children had moved away he’d be glad to be free from the responsibilities she’d tried to force on him, but she was wrong.

The 30 year marriage had been torture to her.

He was negative, critical, bullying, narcissistic, abusive and toxic. Eventually, he admitted the truth she hadn’t wanted to face the whole time. He never wanted love or a partnership or an in-depth, intimate relationship; he just wanted someone who’d take care of him. He’d never wanted the responsibilities of being a friend, confidante, provider or father. That’s why he never provided money, effort, consideration or caring for her or the children. He did exactly what he wanted at any moment and absolutely nothing more. She’d always made the money and been completely responsible for the house, home and parenting.

He thwarted every effort she made to have fun with him and the children. When she told him what she didn’t like, he told her it was her problem; he wouldn’t change and wouldn’t talk about it. When forced sex hurt her, he said women were supposed to suffer; it wasn’t his problem.

Even though he didn’t like her or the marriage, he wouldn’t let her go.

When she said she didn’t want to be his suffering servant any more, he was furious. He told her he’d ruin her reputation in the small town and the Church they went to. He started spreading rumors that she was unfaithful, wouldn’t cook for him and yelled at him all the time. He started running up big bills on their joint credit cards, which she was going to be responsible for. He told her if she saw a lawyer or got divorce papers, he’d take every penny out of their joint account. He told her he’d harass her forever; he’d consume the rest of her life.

Bullies and narcissists won’t let you go easily even if they’ve been abusive and brutal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

They won’t let you go even if they have someone on the side, even if they’re glad to move on to other prey, even if they’re the ones to initiate the break. Once they’ve experienced the thrill and pleasure of torturing you, they want to keep enjoying your pain. They act like jealous gods: no matter what, you’re supposed to keep adoring and worshipping them, you’re supposed to sacrifice everything to serve them. How dare you not have them at the center of your life!

Patty realized he wasn’t unfeeling or emotionally defective; he was mean, nasty and vicious.

All along, he knew exactly what he was doing and how to make her life miserable. Through the years, he’d said his behavior was her fault and if she wanted a good relationship, she had to be more loving, and submissive, and try harder. But he finally admitted, she’d never be able to give or do enough to get loving care in return. He wasn’t going to change; she’d taken his name so she was his property.

She realized he loved the thrill, the pleasure of getting her hopes up and then trampling on her feelings. He enjoyed her frustration and pain. He enjoyed total control over her.

Patty found her Center; she became determined – fierce and powerful.

She decided she was done. She’d face her fears of him attacking her, of her being isolated and alone, of her having to leave town in order to find people who would befriend her. Her determination and resolve was the key to her enduring his anger and retaliation.

She saw a lawyer in secret. Over time, she got separate credit cards and bank accounts for them. She put her name on all the utility accounts so she’d have a credit history. She found an apartment. Then she presented him with filed papers and froze all the accounts.

She realized she was fighting for her future; her future as an individual human being, not a submissive servant. She got help to get past her distaste for conflict. She got help to keep her courage, determination and Spirit strong. She learned how to fight skillfully. She became the strongest and calmest version of herself that she could become. She got free.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, bullying, narcissistic bio-family: Who’s your True Family?

Raina (fictitious name) always felt like she didn’t belong in her toxic family. She was scapegoated and used as Cinderella by her parents and her brother. He was the Golden Child; she was the servant. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she knew it was her fault. She vowed to be a better person, to please them so they’d finally listen to her and treat her lovingly and kindly. But, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to please them, never able to be worthy enough. But they were her family and she vowed to keep trying.

She married to a man who was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. When the abuse got physical, she finally dared to divorce him. Her daughter was three years-old. Her ex left and started a new family, never looking back at this daughter. Raina worked hard and was successful enough to shower her daughter with everything.

By the time the girl was a teenager, she controlled Raina completely. No matter how Raina tried, she could never please her. Later, Raina’s daughter married and had children. Whenever her daughter needed babysitting, Raina was allowed to pay to see her grandchildren but she was never allowed visits on the holidays or when she wanted.

In addition, her daughter bonded with her biological father and they spread malicious, hateful lies about Raina throughout her biological family. Of course, her biological family believed the stories and plied on with more criticism and abuse of Raina.

Raina’s biological family was not Raina’s True Family.

Even as an adult, successful as she was in supporting herself all through her life, she was still an outcast in her bio-family. She was the ugly ducking – the swan raised by ducks who would peck her to death. She was encompassed by dogs, she was food for vultures.

But they were her bio-family. She’d thought she must respect and honor them no matter what. Who else would take care of her when she needed? Without them she’d be alone and lonely.

After being verbally abused and shunned one Christmas, Riana sobbed herself to sleep again. But this time, when she awoke she’d had the special dream we’d talked about. She felt totally free for the first time in her life. It was simple and clear: they were not her True Family.

All the rules she’d been fed were wrong. She’d always felt the most alone when she was surrounded by them. She was different. They’d never take care of her. She’d been trying to live the life they wanted for her but that wasn’t the life she wanted. She gave up trying to be listened to, understood, cared for by people who simply weren’t going to value her as an individual human being. She was valuable to them only when they could use her or gang up on her.

Who are Raina’s True Family?

I’ve worked with people across the globe, from all cultures, in the same situation as Raina and they had the same realization: their bio-family is not the family of their heart, mind or Spirit. They have been servants, scapegoats, outcasts in their bio-family.

Raina remembered other people in her life with whom she’d had heart-to-heart connections. They hadn’t taken her money, hadn’t blamed her for their problems, hadn’t used her like Cinderella. Those relationships had been full of reciprocal caring; they’d been interesting, exciting and fulfilling. But her family and her daughter had driven those people away.

Raina realized she’d never felt alone when she was with those people. And they had wanted to stick by her as she had tried to stick by them.

Raina’s True Family is the family of her heart, mind and Spirit.

Even more than a strong community of caring, these people were “family.” Raina was scared contemplating a future without her bio-family. But she was strengthened when she thought of living without the toxic, bullying, abuse and narcissism.

Even though it might be hard to find people like that again, she must turn away from people who wanted to enslave her and turn toward people who’d befriend her. Her Spirit demanded that turn, demanded a chance to make a life filled with warmth and peace. She felt her guilt evaporate. She gave herself the power to make the life she’d always wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Estranged from bullying, narcissistic, toxic children: Ambiguous loss

Opal thought she get over the abuse and estrangement by her bullying, narcissistic son faster than if he had physically died. But she was wrong. Her heart had been ripped out but the sporadic punishment kept going on. Her son and his wife were a gift that kept giving pain and torment.

Opal’s son had always criticized her and tried to control her completely. According to him, she’d ruined his life; she never gave him enough, understood him enough, rescued him enough, loved him enough. His wife stimulated his hatred and attacked Opal even more negatively and viciously. In truth, Opal had worked multiple jobs after divorcing his abusive, alcoholic father, and had given her son everything. Her life had been devoted to him and then dedicated to his children.

“Ambiguous loss” is usually harder to deal with than an actual, finite, definitive loss.

Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” in her 1999 book. How can Opal have a wake, a funeral, a letting go of her dream of a loving, caring, ongoing relationship with a son and her grandchildren when they were still alive and coming into her life to inflict new pain whenever they wanted. It was as if they enjoyed torturing her. She could see that pain continuing until she died.

Even worse, none of her friends or family knew how to comfort her. They could not give a name to why Opal was suffering so much nor was there a ritual healing process Opal could use. Some even advised her to keep approaching her son and his wife even though that meant subjecting herself to more torture.

Opal had lost more than the loving, physical connections she’d built her life around, she’d lost the dream she’d made central to her existence.

Opal, like many other people, got relief when she saw the story of her life as if she was a planet revolving around a sun whose strong gravitational field kept her in orbit, kept her from flying off into the chaos of outer space. That sun has been her dream life – centered around her parents when she was growing up and then added to with her son and his family. After her parents had died, she’d focused her life on service to her son and her grandchildren, dreaming she’d rewarded by the warmth and joy she’d have in return.

The destruction of that compelling dream, which had been the center of her universe (an ambiguous loss), resulted in her being flung into the rest of her life with no mooring. She was wandering, lost, alone and bereft. She could find no comfort, no certainty, no rock to cling to, no path to connection, love or joy.

But now Opal’s path was clear: she had to put a new and equally compelling dream, with as strong a gravitational field, at the center of her world.

Then she might live the rest of her life with connection and joy.

Her bio-family had failed. If she tried to keep her son and his family at her center, she’d probably live in pain the rest of her life.

Once Opal had specifically named the depth of her grief, she stopped asking “why” and stopped looking for more explanations for what she’d done wrong to cause her son and his wife to act so hateful toward her. Her sense of fault and failure lifted. Now she could turn her focus from her son and move toward building the rest of her life.

Opal decided to put at the center of her world the future self she wanted to become. She would practice and discipline herself to think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted. She’d use her power to take charge of her life. Her joy would come from inside her and be brought into whatever she did.

She didn’t give up hope of bonding with her beloved grandchildren, but she’d do that from afar while she threw herself into other areas of her life.

She’d pray her son would have a change of heart but she would no longer keep begging him. She knew she couldn’t be the one to change him. Her being a model of a caring, loving person was lost on him. Endless giving wouldn’t satisfy him or his wife.

Many people have gone through many different processes in order to change their dreams and to heal but they’ve all gotten to the same place; a sense of peace, calm, determination, passion and joy. They’ve found their True Selves and searched for and created their True Families; the people of their hearts, minds and Spirits, not necessarily their bio-families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children won’t let you go easily

When Nancy’s (fictitious name) daughter estranged and alienated her from her 4 and 1 year-old grandchildren, she said she hated Nancy and never wanted to see her again. Nancy thought her daughter would welcome Nancy’s withdrawal.

Nancy was wrong. Her daughter had just wanted to hurt Nancy again and watch her beg after another rejection. Entitled, selfish, bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children like Nancy’s daughter never want their victims to leave the torture chambers they create. She’d miss using Nancy as a scapegoat and whipping post.

Nancy had been used by her daughter all her life. When the girl was a teenager, she’d realized her mother would always give in. She demanded every moment of Nancy’s time and every penny she had. In college, she insisted Nancy answer every call immediately and do every errand she demanded. When she had the children, she knew she had Nancy for life.

Nancy always had to be available for planned and sudden babysitting. And, of course for every purchase the daughter wanted and for even more verbal and emotional abuse. If she met Nancy in public, her daughter would turn to her friends or Nancy’s and make sarcastic remarks and put-downs with a smile as if making a joke. Nancy was the worst mother ever. Her daughter’s bad decisions and problems were 100 percent Nancy’s fault.

Nancy’s friends and previous counselors and therapists had told her never to give up on her daughter; to keep accepting all the blame, confessing to all the sins and crimes she’d never committed and always to reach out. Never close the door. That was the only hope her daughter’s heart might change.

When Nancy’s savings and physical and emotional energy were exhausted, she finally said, “Enough.” She’d said that before but this time was different. Nancy discarded her guilt and actually acted to set boundaries. She became too busy to come every time her daughter demanded childcare and she stopped giving money. She hung up when her daughter started to throw a temper tantrum.

Nancy was simply not willing to be criticized and abused anymore, and she wouldn’t relent, no matter how felt. She said she loved her daughter and would keep demanding good standards of polite, civil behavior, proven over time without reward.

Nancy’s daughter attacked Nancy even more viciously.

Nancy had actually expected that when she finally changed her actions, her daughter would respond by changing for the better. She’d realize she had to take Nancy’s feelings into account and start acting nicer.

But bullies and narcissists always take the opposite approach. Nancy’s daughter had always gotten what she wanted by throwing temper-tantrums and bullying Nancy into submission. Now she continued even harder.

First she told Nancy she’d never see her beloved grandchildren ever again. And she’d tell the grandchildren how horrible Nancy was. If the grandchildren ever had a problem, it’d be Nancy’s fault. She’d carry that blame to her death. “What kind of mother would abandon her daughter and grandchildren? Nancy would die rejected, isolated and alone.”

Then she called everyone in the extended family to list all the crimes Nancy had committed against her. She started posting Facebook statements about Nancy’s life-long failures as a mother. She threatened that if she ever saw Nancy at an extended family gathering, Nancy wouldn’t be allowed near her grandchildren, and she’d make a public scene.

Nancy’s daughter was addicted to the pleasure, the joy of torturing Nancy.

Nancy’s pain and eventual giving in had been her daughter’s “supply.” Of course, her daughter wouldn’t let go of her drug easily; she’d fight to keep Nancy available for abuse. Nancy couldn’t understand how anyone could be that way since Nancy had willingly given her daughter everything. Clearly, her daughter was from a different planet than Nancy.

In addition, her daughter reached out lovingly to her alcoholic, bullying, narcissistic father, Nancy’s ex, whom the girl hadn’t seen since she was three years-old. Of course he supported her as long as she criticized Nancy and wouldn’t let Nancy see the grandchildren.

Nancy finally realized her daughter was just like her biological father.

Her daughter had rejected all the lessons Nancy had tried to teach. Nancy had to let go of the dream that she’d have loving relationships with her daughter and many grandchildren. The daughter’s idea of a relationship with Nancy was that of Master to Slave: Nancy would do all the work and take all the beatings.

Nancy finally had to let go of her daughter and her shattered dream.

Nancy realized the best hope her daughter had for a miracle change of heart would be when Nancy stopped begging and pleading. That old approach fed her daughter’s hate and anger, and kept her from becoming a decent person.

Nancy would always love the girl but, as long as she acted the way she did, Nancy would dislike everything the girl stood for. Nancy decided not to keep approaching and accepting more whippings. Instead, she had to make her own life wonderful, to find people who would love her tender and treat her like true family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) always want more

Martha (fictitious name) was burned out mentally, emotionally and physically. She was highly empathetic so she knew she was giving what everyone wanted; she was caring for them better than they’d ever been. But she didn’t understand: She’d given them so much, how come they wouldn’t stop asking for more even when she told them how exhausted she was, how she didn’t have any more to give.

For takers (bullies, narcissists) too much is never enough; they always want more no matter how much you’ve given.
Takers are bottomless pits. They’re selfish and never satisfied; nothing is ever enough. They don’t care about you; your boundaries, your energy level, making easy for you to help them, what you want to do. Takers are convinced they’re entitled to whatever they want, exactly the way they want it. Takers simply want to make it easy for themselves; then they make up reasons why they should get it the easiest way – from you. Struggling is too much of a big deal for takers.

When Martha didn’t jump to their demands, they got angry and attacked her. They were relentless; negative, critical, abusive, ganging up on her. They’d die without her help; their pain would be her fault. She’d be an unloving, uncaring, selfish person if she didn’t do what they wanted. Of course, Martha had been trained to feel guilty when other people had hurt feelings.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) aren’t helped by your giving.
Martha thought she had to help her parents, her husband, her adult children, all the relatives (no matter how distant). She always thought: After she taught them how to do things, they’d start doing the things for themselves. Isn’t that the best way to help them; isn’t what love is? But her anger lingered; hadn’t she done enough yet to deserve their love?

Martha was secretly afraid if she stopped helping, they’d abandon her and she’d be all alone.
Also, if she stopped helping them all, she’d become uncaring and selfish. And they’d fail in life.

Exhaustion pushed Martha to realize she was hurting them by helping them become needy, helpless and lazy.
Martha’s Spirit finally said, “Enough! You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.” Finally, she listened to her Spirit. The best way she could help them was to let them struggle while she encouraged them from the sidelines. Of course, some would fail sometimes but the only way they had a chance to become strong was through their struggling. Once they struggled on their own, then her help might help them become independent.

There were many people she could help in reciprocal relationships. But with takers (bullies, narcissists), once she saw the pattern of continual taking, she must cut the person off, no matter the relationship or their need. She could no longer feed their addictions to laziness, helplessness and ease. She wasn’t the only source of comfort, healing or salvation in the world.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Poke the bear

Linda (fictitious name) had a problem that didn’t make sense to her. All the rules and methods she’d learned growing up didn’t help her change her adult son. Could have mother have misled her?

Her son had always bullied her; he was negative, critical, sarcastic; he was demanding, nasty and abusive. If Linda didn’t do what he wanted, he’d throw a temper-tantrum and even make a public scene. He’d tell everyone lies about ways she’d ruined his life. Then he married a woman who not only encouraged him but was ten times more horrible to Linda. They wouldn’t allow her to come to their wedding or to see her grandchildren.

Linda was empathetic.
She knew her son suffered intensely when he didn’t get what he wanted and didn’t have total control of her. She always tried to understand him; she was nice, loving and forgiving. She’d always bit her tongue and had never said what she truly thought but that didn’t stop them.

Why, “Don’t poke the bear,” does not stop bullies and narcissists.
Linda’s mother had also taught her, “Don’t say/do anything; don’t give bullies a reason to go after you. If you don’t react, if you respond with good grace, bullies and narcissists will get bored and leave you alone. If get them mad, bullies and narcissists will go after you even worse.” Of course Linda accepted those rules; how could her mother be wrong and not protect her?

All those rules and images are wrong. They assume that bullies and narcissists will leave you alone if you don’t provoke them. But bullies and narcissists don’t need provoking. They don’t hibernate. They go after you if they want something or just for the pleasure of torturing you. Then they make up reasons to excuse their despicable behavior.

A better image would be bullies and narcissists are vultures and takers.
If you don’t fight them off, they’ll keep picking at your flesh until they devour you.

Linda realized there wasn’t anything worse they could do to her.
She felt delightfully free. Her fear and guilt were gone. She’d done nothing wrong; the perpetrators were her rotten son and his wife. By doing nothing, her lying son and his wife had free rein to spin everything the way they wanted. She was losing the argument within her extended family and friends.

Linda decided to honor herself. She stood up for herself and told everyone in the family what they’d done to her and how they’d hurt her. When some people tried to minimize or excuse her son’s treatment of her, she said, “Nonsense. I did nothing wrong. They should start considering my feelings. There are no excuses for what they did. If you side with them, you’re condoning evil and I’ll treat you accordingly.” She also told her son and his wife what she thought.

Previously, the focus had always been how she’d hurt her son and on his wife’s feelings. But when she continued speaking up, she shifted the family argument and focused the blame on her son and his wife. Her feelings became the focus.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Don’t whine, get a spine

Kelli’s (fictitious name) husband made himself the focus of all her attention; he was in charge. His wants matters; her needs didn’t. Any time she wasn’t standing by, ready to serve him whenever he wanted, he subjected her to a barrage of negativity and criticism until she dropped what she was doing and did what he wanted. He was bullying, abusive, narcissist.

Kelli tried everything to change him.
She’d whined, complained, nagged, yelled and threatened. But her husband said she was much too sensitive and she should lighten up. Or he said she made him feel bad because he could never satisfy her. Everything he did was her fault; if she was a better wife and more competent person, everything would be fine. So he never changed.

Kelli didn’t know what to do to change him so she complained to everyone.
She whined to husband about how much she hated being treated like a slave or Cinderella. She begged 18 year-old son to have a more loving heart and not to treat his girlfriend or younger sister that way. She complained to her parents and her husband’s parents. They said she should rise above her rebellious nature; she was shouldn’t sink so low as to bully her husband in retaliation. She grumbled to the neighbors and anyone who’d listen. They said she was exaggerating; was no one was perfect, she his wife and she had to tolerate it.

Her son was following in his father’s footsteps.
One day, Kelli allowed herself to see her son had become just like his father; a mini-me. He was bossy and demanding to her. He tortured his younger sister; he seemed to enjoy her frustration and tears. That was the last straw for Kelli.

Kelli got a spine.
She allowed herself to see the whole pattern from the first day of their marriage to a future that would last her whole life. Something in her finally rebelled and said “ENOUGH!” She’d rather break all her old rules and values about the right way to behave to everyone, no matter what they did to her, than lose her Spirit.

She touched that inner core of pain, anger and determination she’d been repressing. Now she’d be kind, empathetic, loving and caring about her own needs first. She was deserving; worth it. She’d honor and trust what she saw. Because she needed to control her own life was reason enough to act. She’d protect herself from energy vampires. Suddenly, she felt free of guilt and the responsibility to make them happy first. She felt her spine stiffen.

Kelli apply consequences, whether her husband liked it or not.
He was certain he’d win because Kelli was a much nicer person than he was and wouldn’t go as far as he would push her – to a divorce. He was sure if he was stubborn and relentless enough, Kelli would back down.

Kelli realized she’d tried everything she could think of to get his understanding, agreement and permission to act the way she wanted. Her whole married life, she been begging him to give up his power and control. She’d done the same with her son. She’d never acted on the consequences she’d threatened.

Kelli was still a caring wife and mother; which meant she’d give them what they needed, not what they wanted to make their lives easy. She no longer jumped to their commands. When her husband complained in the usual way, she simply said, “Of course you’d say that. Bullies and narcissists always say that. But it’s your fault you act like that.” And she continued doing what she’d been doing. Of course, he retaliated by increasing his negativity and criticism. She laughed at him and asked him if he needed a time-out.

To her son, she said, “Making you happy is not my priority. Showing you what happens to bullies and narcissists is the best thing I can do for you as a loving mother.” When he whined that she was ruining his life, she said, “Your choices are ruining your life. Make more loving choices and you’ll get loving in return.” When he said she was a lousy mother and he was looking forward to moving out as soon as he finished high school, she said, “I am too. Then I’ll be free of one bully. I’ll help you start packing right now.” He backed off.

The biggest effect on her husband happened when she got a job. Now, she had a perfect excuse for not serving him. She only had enough time to help her daughter. Her husband got scared enough to say he’d change. But that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic husbands: Empaths can stop abuse

June was so empathetic to her bullying, narcissistic husband’s inner pain and anger; she felt sorry for him even when he abused her. She’d been taught her main job in life was to make people happy, to give them what they wanted, to love them enough they’d be healed. If she loved them enough, she could teach, rescue and save them. Also, they’d open their hearts and love her the way she wanted.

June had been taught, if she thought of herself first she’d be selfish.
How could she set boundaries with him until after he’d become the person she’d always wanted him to be, the person she knew he could become, the person who would accept her boundaries? How could she have a bully-free, abuse-free life until he agreed with her?

June’s most important job in life was not being a people-pleasing, enabling, rescuing, fixer-savior.
June had been raised to think her most important job in life was to make people happy. Caring and loving meant giving people what they wanted. She could never win an argument with her husband; he was always so convinced he was right and his way was the most righteous. She’d never stand up to him because he might be right. She was never sure of herself and she could feel how much his control and pride mattered to him.

June finally let go of the impossible task that had been assigned to her; she was not the savior of the world.

Empathy was not June’s problem; empathy was her biggest ally.
Understanding how people thought and understanding the energy flow in a room or relationship was her biggest ally. The problem she had was her early brainwashing to think that she had to respond to her understanding by making people feel better, by being responsible for other people’s happiness.

June realized she’d always been attractive to abusive bullies who wanted to use her to serve them. They had a good deal and didn’t want to stop draining her blood.

Feeling his pain and relieving it wasn’t why she was put on earth.
More important than making other people happy was making herself happy. She was worth it. He wouldn’t do anything to make her happy. Well, there were three times in their marriage when he threw her a scrap of caring but he always made her pay for it. He claimed he never knew what she wanted; anyway she was too needy and dependent; he suffered so much because he could never please her. But he never did anything to please her. The problem was him.

Trusting her own experience was more important than the old rules (beliefs) she’d been brainwashed into.
Her experience showed her the ideas, beliefs and rules beaten into her were false. Her experience was more truthful than the words or lessons hammered into her by bullies and narcissists.

Not making him happy was not punitive; making him happy or making his life easy was actually hurting him, not helping him.
She saw how pleasing other people had led her to be surrounded by needy bullies and narcissists who controlled, used and abused her. Her husband was merely the most recent. Now her children were imitating him. They were imitating what they saw, not what she told them.

She’d been manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by people who labelled her sense of Self as needy, bullying, narcissistic, abusive, uncaring, selfish, unloving, punitive. They were trying to take Her out of her. They chose those words in order to manipulate her. She began to trust herself and her own inner knowing.

The best way to increase the chances he’d change was through consequences.
Investing her life in changing him slowly, in asking him to learn no matter how long it took was only begging. Waiting to get his agreement, approval and permission was begging. That way, he had no reason to change since he was getting what he wanted. In order to move him toward change she’d have to have consequences. If he felt pained, that was his choice.

June did not become a selfish narcissist.
She remained a caring, marvelous person, giving to people who reciprocated her generosity and love. Of course, she felt awkward and guilty when she started imposing consequences on her husband and their children. But she got over those feelings and did, indeed, create a bully-free, abuse-free, wonderful life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls) – new video

Self-Bullying can be sneakier, more relentless and more debilitating than problems caused by the unpredictable times and crashing economy. Your fear, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed can even be worse than problems caused by the toxic people in your life – the selfish, controlling, manipulative, back-stabbing, abusive, bullying, narcissistic people.

You know, your self-bullying; that little voice in your head that’s so self-judging and powerful. It’s relentlessly negative, critical, correcting and hostile in putting you down. That voice exaggerates all your faults and failure patterns; any time you succeeded it was dumb luck.

It’s especially bad for empaths, people-pleasers, fixers, enablers – people who don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings.

People who always find excuses for other people’s greed and selfishness, who put others first and themselves last, who have to give others another chance even after a thousand previous failed chances.

Life has been and is always full of risk. The future is unknown. It’s easy to give in to worry, doubt and insecurity; anxiety, stress and despair. It’s easy to lose energy and feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed and angry. That voice creates self-doubt and uncertainty; destroys self-confidence and self-esteem; paralyzes you. It can even cause physical symptoms.

How can you keep your solid footing; keep panic away; stay Centered, motivated, strong; keep your Spirit up; become the center of the storm; rise to the challenge? How can you gather yourself to deal with the immediate situation and the potential longer term problems?

Endless worry and analysis won’t help. Tossing and turning all night trying to predict and plan for every eventuality won’t help. Trying to answer every “What if?” question won’t help. Beating yourself down won’t help.

That Self-Bullying voice is not who you are, you weren’t born with it.

You were trained and brainwashed to bully yourself by people who wanted to control your life. Even now, bullies and narcissists stimulate your self-bullying.

In addition, now you use it to try to make yourself successful. Think how much more it will help you after it becomes a wonderful, effective coaching voice; encouraging and strengthening you?

Stop feeling and acting like a victim.

Don’t let fear, Self-Bullying and negative emotions blow you away. Don’t let your desperation and self-doubt make decisions for you. Instead, end your Self-Bullying. Get yourself unstuck. Get your energy back, recover your Spirit and drive. Feel Centered, calm and on top of things so you can move forward using all your adult skills with determination, strength and joy.

There is a light in the darkness. We will connect with your amazingly resilient and powerful Center, your Spirit, your Authentic Self. We will expand your Comfort and Calm Zone. From that Center, you will have strength and courage. You’ll develop the skill to carry out a personal plan effective in your specific situation. You can create the wonderful, joyous life you want!

Begin by watching this new video: How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls)
https://youtu.be/M2qxpkRD6hg

When you want to learn how to stop bullying yourself and to start loving yourself, call me.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.


Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop sneaky, narcissistic, bullying husbands – new video

It's easy to recognize overt bullying, narcissistic husbands. They act in the open. You know how toxic they are, even if circumstances make it difficult to stop them.

Sneaky, controlling, bullying, narcissistic husbands are just as toxic but harder to recognize and stop. They want you to think what they do isn't so bad, their control and abuse are your fault, only they know the truth, you don't remember what really happened and you don't recognize how wrong and guilty you are. You can't trust yourself.

Learn the seven common signs of sneaky bullying husbands.

Also, test yourself. Are you an empathic, pacifying, co-dependent, enabling fixer?

Do you feel self-doubting, guilty or victimized when you disagree, protest or beg for behavioral changes? Do you let him push every boundary you try to set or do you enforce real consequences for him? Do you accept being a second-class citizen or do you get an equal vote?

Do you assume he means the same thing as you do if he says he loves you? Don't believe his words. His actions tell the truth. It's not real love if he loves you because you're his servant, slave, Cinderella or scapegoat.

Your anger is not the problem here. Your pain, frustration and anger are appropriate.

The problem is his behavior. Your children don't need a father like that. You don't have to prove he's a bullying, narcissist in court; you don't need his agreement or permission to get free from slavery.

Don't remain a victim; you're not stuck forever, you're not helpless and it's not hopeless. Stop living in fear and desperation.

There is a better way.

There is a path where you can live your individual and unique life with joy. Honor and love the Spirit in you. You don’t need their permission to save your Spirit.

There is a light in the darkness. We will connect with your amazingly resilient and powerful Center, your Spirit, your Authentic Self. We will expand your Comfort Zone. From that Center, you will have strength and courage. You'll develop the skill to carry out a personal plan effective in your specific situation. You can create the wonderful, joyous life you want!

Begin by watching this new video: Stop sneaky, narcissistic, bullying husbands.
https://youtu.be/MQCKhrVD1xs

When you want to decide about your husband; when you want to learn how to have a bully-free life, call me.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop serving toxic parents – new video

What can you when your controlling, bullying, narcissistic, toxic parents want you to serve them day and night?

They’ll continue to use you like a servant, a slave, Cinderella and a scapegoat. They’re entitled.
You, as an individual human person, deserve nothing, don’t count, don’t get a life of your own. They never allowed you to have a boundary. If you don’t do absolutely every little thing they want and when and how they want it, you’re selfish.

They’ll control you, blame you and push your shame and guilt buttons. They’ll give you the loud silent treatment or they’ll whine or demand. They might try to force you to move in with them. They might spoil your children to turn them against you or rally extended family against you.

You became the competent, capable, fixer/co-dependent enabler.
They tormented you but you had to keep silent in order to survive. They brainwashed you in their Cult of torment, pain and duty. They used and abused you. But you must honor and respect them.

Your Inner Knowing tells you that “honor them” does not mean “obey them.”
Instead, honor your Inner Knowing; not their certainty and righteousness, or pleading. They don’t know best. Don’t let their opinions sway you.

You do know the truth about your toxic, bullying, abusive parents. Every once in a while, they said they loved you, so you convinced yourself they finally did. But if they really loved you, would they continue to treat you that way?

On the other hand, now that the economy has crashed, what will they do without you? How can you abandon them? What if the worst happens to them?

You’re stuck in an inner war, stimulating your self-bullying, self-doubt, frustration and helplessness.

What’s the price of tolerating bullies, narcissists, toxic parents? Slow erosion of your soul and keeping them selfish, entitled, weak and demanding victims of their own choices. “Forgive and forget” won’t help you.

There is a better way. There is a path where you can live your individual and unique life with joy. Honor and love the Spirit in you. You don’t need their permission to save your Spirit.

There is a light in the darkness. We can expand your Comfort Zone and create a personal plan that will be effective in your specific situation.

Begin by watching this new video: Stop serving bullying, narcissistic, toxic parents.
https://youtu.be/I7sd5YB-vjA

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Stop supporting toxic adult children

Even before the economy started falling because of the Covid 19 virus, your controlling, bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children wanted you to support them, obey them and accept the pain and guilt of their negativity, criticism and beatings. They’re convinced they’re entitled so they punished you by estranging from you and depriving you of your beloved grandchildren.

Now, if they’re in financial trouble or just want your baby sitting at a moment’s notice, their demands, lying promises and manipulations have increased. You must atone for being the worst parent ever by giving them what they want and making them happy. If you abandon them now, you’ll prove you were always the most uncaring, unfeeling, failure as a parent. And they’ll make sure everyone in the world knows and scorns you.

The truth is you weren’t a bad parent. You may even have another child who turned out fine. If anything, you gave too much. You thought your most important job as a parent was to show your love, build their self-esteem and protect them from any consequences of their actions.

But you’ve learned the hard way that loving by giving more and more does not change bullies and narcissists.

They’ve proven they don’t care about you. So stop trying to educate and save them. Stop begging them to grow up. They rejected your wisdom long ago.

You’re stuck in an inner war. You don’t want to be their servant, slave, Cinderella or scapegoat; you don’t even like them. But you still love them.

It’s heart-breaking, gut-wrenching. Your grief is devastating. What can you do? What should you do? There is a better way of loving and parenting them. There is a light in the darkness.

Begin by watching this new video: Stop supporting toxic adult children
https://youtu.be/-XSZLIXDLYk

Stop supporting them, become a better parent and live the rest of your life with zest and joy. Expand your Comfort Zone and create a personal plan that will be effective in your specific situation.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: Should you “accept” them as they are?

When narcissists and relentless bullies say, “You have to ‘accept’ me as I am. Nobody’s perfect. You aren’t either,” they mean something very different then you do when they use the word, “accept.”

Ina’s husband and one adult son were bullying, abusive narcissists. They were critical, angry, explosive and vicious, but in different ways. Sometimes they relaxed their control and battering by saying a few kind, caring words. But as soon as Ina relaxed, they reverted to the same old torment and torture.

They both said Ina had to accept them as they were.

What bullies and narcissists mean when they say, “You have to accept me as I am.”
Ina’s husband and adult son wanted to convince her that “accept” meant she should do what they wanted; she should serve them, tolerate their abuse, rise above pain and anger, and there should be no consequences.

Some imperfections are much worse than others.
An obvious example: The imperfections of mass murdering, school shooters are much worse than when Ina got angry because she’d been provoked repeatedly by her critical, negative husband and adult son. Bullies and narcissists want to focus on your imperfection of being angry instead of their hostility and verbal torment. Their treatment of Ina was much worse than her getting angry in order to motivate herself to stop their bullying and abuse.

Was Ina too sensitive?
Of course, they claimed they were justified in their behavior because Ina had not obeyed them by giving them what they wanted. And she was too sensitive. However, Ina knew how much they’d hurt her. She needed to get past the idea there was a “normal” or perfect standard of behavior she had to live up to before they had to change their behavior. Instead, she had to give up her guilt and stand on her own standards of how she wanted to be treated and what she wouldn’t put up with.

How can Ina prove she’s right?
To relentless bullies and narcissists, Ina will never be able to prove herself. They lose their advantage if they accept her standards and requests. Ina had to stop explaining and justifying herself. She needed to accept her standards and live according to them, whether her husband and adult son accepted that or not.

What Ina meant by the word, “accept.”
After a journey to find her Core, her Center, the place in her where she felt Whole, Ina knew what to say to them. “I love the potential I see in both of you. I love your Spirits but I can’t stand your personalities. I also accept that you’ll continue being and acting the way you have until a miracle occurs. You can keep acting the way you do and I’ll remove you both from my life. I won’t be controlled, used and beaten. I’m not a slave; I’m not Cinderella.”

Ina meant, “You have a choice. Treat me wonderful or continue acting the way you have; which means you can stay or be gone. Your choice.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists: Sometimes you poke the bear or drive off the wolves

Tactics depend on your goals and circumstances. Sometimes you don’t poke the bear and sometimes you must. Or think of different images: Sometimes you must kill the snakes, put salt on the leaches, drive off the wolves, take antibiotics, pull the weeds, remove the bullies and narcissists, drive out the money lenders, shake off the dust.

Hazel’s adult daughter still threw temper tantrums. She’d criticize, yell and curse Hazel. She’d threaten to deprive Hazel of her beloved grandchildren unless Hazel gave her everything wanted immediately and accepted her bullying and abuse. Hazel was afraid to do anything her daughter might choose to respond to with more anger.

Harriet’s older sister had beat her mercilessly when they were children and continued, forty years later, to attack her behind her back to the rest of the family. She’d spread gossip, make up lies and attack Harriet’s reputation. Harriet forgot she was now a competent adult and usually reverted to feeling like a terrified little girl.

“Don’t poke the bear; it’ll only get worse.”
Friends and some family members told both Hazel and Harriet to rise above, don’t give their enemies food for attacks and accept, with good grace, whatever the bullies and narcissists did. Never say anything bad about them and, eventually, they’ll leave you alone.

Bad advice; sometimes you need to protect yourself and what’s important to you.
Hazel and Harriet realized nothing nice, caring or loving had ever made her adult daughter or her sister act any nicer. Those people got great pleasure from causing pain and controlling their lives. They also loved to fight. But not poking them, only encouraged them to attack more often and viciously.

They had nothing to lose by trying to drive off the snakes. Risking a fight gave them a chance for success. No risk meant they had no chance of success; they’d be doomed to a lifetime of being abused and bullied, of being victims.

Relentless bullies and narcissists are stopped only by power; not by conscience or regret.
Hazel and Harriet became more determined to live bully-free lives than their attackers enjoyed attacking them. They overcame their fear and guilt. They also learned skills and tactics to fight effectively.

Instead of trying to change the natures of their snakes, Hazel and Harriet wrote letters to the rest of the family calling those people snakes and princesses, and attacking their oppressors’ personalities and characters.

Hazel and Harriet didn’t expect their oppressors to change their hearts. Instead, they hoped it would become difficult for the bullies to continue acting the way they did once their behavior had been labelled and exposed. They were forcing the rest of the family to take sides.

Then at family gatherings, whenever their would-be controllers said anything, Hazel and Harriet openly and politely shown lights on them. They also said how their feeling were so hurt by that vicious behavior. When their attackers said their feelings were hurt, Hazel and Harriet said the bullies started it. They couldn’t stay at the gathering with such people and they left.

Harriet and Hazel were surprised.
As expected, some people came to tell them to rise above. Harriet and Hazel asked the peacemakers, who were actually throwing them to the wolves, to go back and demand the nasty controllers to rise above and be sweet.

The big surprise was that some family members joined them and threatened the narcissists. That shifted the power balance so Hazel and Harriet didn’t have to leave their families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children: But I taught them good?

Grace couldn’t believe how selfish and abusive one of her grown daughters was. That daughter refused to let Grace see her grandchildren unless Grace admitted she’d been a terrible mother, did penance by admitting in public how her daughter’s problems were all her fault and gave her daughter all the money she wanted. Even worse, that daughter now sided against Grace with her narcissistic, bullying, abusive father (Grace’s ex).

None of the stories were true. If anything, Grace had spoiled her children. Once that daughter had turned fifteen, she took without thanks, criticized relentlessly, did whatever she wanted and bullied and manipulated Grace into giving her everything. Grace was bereft: she couldn’t admit to the lies but she was afraid of losing her precious grandchildren.

Grace had taught all her children to be kind, considerate and good.
She’d set such a good example. Grace couldn’t understand what had happened. She felt so guilty: What had she done wrong?

Grace hadn’t done anything wrong.
Yes, she might have been overindulgent to all her children but she hadn’t done anything particularly bad to any of them.

Grace’s analysis of the reasons why only that daughter had chosen to be demanding, selfish and narcissistic overlooked many factors including:
1. The children’s father was a narcissistic sociopath. He was demanding, bullying and abusive to Grace and their children. One half of all the children’s DNA was his.
2. The children had seen who’d served and suffered, and who’d won.
3. The children have free will. That daughter had chosen to follow her father to the dark side in order to get what she wanted. The other children had chosen to follow Grace’s example.

Why didn’t that child choose to follow Grace (the nice parent) instead of following her rotten father?
Instead of looking for psychological, cause --> effect factors and what had happened in the children’s lives at what ages, Grace stepped back and saw that the problem was the choices that daughter had made.

It’s easier to follow the dark side than the light.
Doing the right thing seems harder to many people than using power to beat or manipulate a nice, caring, loving person into submission. Whatever Grace had tried to teach, that daughter hadn’t learned. Only the other children had. Instead, she’d learned from Grace’s example the reward for being good was more pain, abuse and torture. She decided to side with her father because she thought she’d always get what she wanted from Grace no matter how badly she treated her, but she’d never get anything from him unless she sucked up and pleased him.

The problem was one daughter choosing the dark side.
The longer Grace keeps asking “Why”, the longer Grace will suffer trying to understand and figure out how please that daughter. When Grace simply sees the pattern of behavior and uses that to predict what that daughter will do, she’ll be better able to defend herself. And she’ll be relieved of her guilt; the other children chose to follow her example.

How can Grace continue to set a good example?
She could set a good example for the other children and grandchildren by distancing herself from her daughter and telling everyone the rotten things her daughter had done. The problem was not communication and different perspectives, as that daughter had claimed. Grace had evidence for what she said. The problem was that daughter’s bullying and narcissism.

Unfortunately, that daughter’s children were already lost to Grace. That daughter had already raised her children to despise Grace and to beat and manipulate her to get what they wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope

Fran couldn’t believe her husband would sink so low as to try to drive a wedge between her and her adult daughter. He told the daughter many lies about things Fran had supposedly done to him, how his feelings had been hurt for years and how she’d prevented him from doing all the loving things he’d wanted to do for that daughter, his favorite. Fran couldn’t believe that this daughter had experienced all the horrible things her husband had done to Fran and all the children, and yet she’d still believed her father.

Faith couldn’t believe her greedy adult son would take all her possessions and even her home while she was hospitalized far away for treatment of cancer. He wanted everything; he wouldn’t share with the other children.

Bullies, narcissists will sink lower than you expect or hope.
Fran and Faith knew people like that existed in history and even now, but they wouldn’t believe their own husband or child would do that to them. They’d tried to do the right thing for years and this was what they got in return. They simply couldn’t understand how their kindness and caring could be repaid with such cruelty.

Don’t let wishful thinking triumph over the reality you’ve known for years.
But when Fran thought of all the times her husband had hit her and the children, had used her to do all the chores and to serve him, and had been negative, sarcastic and critical in public – in front of friends, family and even at church – she really knew what to expect.

And when Faith thought of all the times that daughter, from infant upwards, had yelled at her, threatened her, tried to resist, control and guilt-trip her, had bullied and abused her, she really knew what to expect.

The real question for them was, “When will you stop ignoring the evidence of years and continue living in hope of instant change?”
Bullies and narcissists don’t change. Or if they do it’s a miracle…and you can guess the percent of times that happens. All the wishful thinking made Fran and Faith easy targets for more use and abuse, pain and torture.

The best way to help those predators is not to feed them while praying for change; it’s to stop being a martyr and show them they had to change or be left behind.
Coddling bullies and narcissists never changes them. Both Fran and Faith realized they could continue loving, hoping and praying while they protected themselves from further torture.

They could expect the bullies and narcissists to continue hurting them until they had evidence they had a change of heart and showed their good intentions over time without reward.
Loving and liking are on separate scales. They could love their tormentors while disliking them. Wishful thinking and hope are different from recognizing the need to protect yourself.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists want you to tolerate pain, torment

Edna realized her husband and one of her adult daughters were worse than uncaring, they actually enjoyed making her suffer.

Her husband never asked what she wanted or did what she asked. He was negative, critical, bullying and abusive. He never acknowledged or talked about her feelings. He was the dictator; she never got to vote; her job was to support whatever he wanted and make it work. Sometimes he’d agree to do what she wanted but at the last minute he’d say they couldn’t go. Or he’d go but be grumpy, angry and belligerent and ruin the occasion. He was destroying her self-esteem and self-confidence.

That adult daughter used similar tactics but she was more overt. She’d berate and yell at Edna in public and in front of the whole family. She’d tell everyone lies about how Edna had hurt her, not protected her from her father and denied her any fun. Edna had been a terrible mother and should be punished for her crimes.

The problem wasn’t that her husband was on the Autism/Asperger’s scale; it was that he enjoyed tormenting and hurting her.
For years, Edna had always found reasons and excuses to minimize and overlook what he said and did. She excused him because she thought he was on the scale and couldn’t pay any attention to her feelings and pleas, and he never talked about feelings with her. Then she realized he’d always expressed his feeling in words and actions. He was clear: he was the dictator and ruled with an iron fist. She was his property and her job was to serve him. He told her how he felt and what he wanted. He said he knew what she felt and wanted, but that didn’t matter. He always did what he wanted and expected her to act the way he’d commanded.

Her daughter had grown up and saw who won. She’d chosen his tactics.
She summed it up clearly for Edna: “A good and loving parent's job is to make me happy by giving me everything I want. You have to accept me as I am or you won’t see your grandchildren.” Edna's feelings and wishes didn't matter. Actually, Edna realized her daughter knew how to hurt her whenever she wanted to.

Edna was told she was supposed to forgive, give and endure.
Other people in the family tried to get Edna together with her daughter. They said Edna had to be the one to rise above her feelings because that’s just the way her daughter was. Of course, Edna was inclined to accept punishment; all her life she’d been trained to give in to other people.

But at Thanksgiving, she’d seen her daughter’s face when she was telling Edna she’d changed her mind about letting Edna see her grandchildren that weekend. Edna saw her daughter’s face twisted with hate and rage. She’d never forget that face.

Life is not to be lived to see how much pain you can tolerate while you forgive perpetrators.
Edna decided she mattered. She wasn’t going to tolerate pain and torment. She wanted a life free from bullying, abuse and pain. She wanted to be free of guilt when she stood up for what she wanted. She didn’t want to be part of a family that insisted she endure torture and slavery.

Edna’s epiphany and determination were the key.
She kept the image of her daughter’s face where she could always see it. It was hard and it took time, but Edna succeeded. She moved away from her old life and into her new life, step-by-step.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists substance abusers; you’re the substance

In a way that made her laugh, Deena saw the same pattern with her sister and her adult daughter: They were substance abusers and she was the substance.

Deena’s sister expected to be waited on by Deena. Her sister had a doting husband and two caring adult children but whenever she wanted instant service, she demanded it from Deena. Deena was required to drive for hours without any advanced warning, to shop for treats and presents for her sister and to slave with no reward. Her sister said she was comforted being waited on by Deena. Her sister never thanked her; Deena never did enough. If Deena ever hesitated, her sister attacked her as not being considerate, loving or kind enough. Deena was so selfish.

Deena’s daughter was even worse. She was openly entitled, demanding, critical, bullying and abusive. Problems were always Deena’s fault, never her daughter’s. Her daughter was clear, “A good mother would devote herself full-time to doing what her daughter needed to be happy. A mother’s job in life was to provide money, service and applause.”

The only things Deena’s sister and daughter agreed upon was that Deena should stop serving the other one and focus only on them.

Bullies and narcissists are substance abusers: they must have their fix of power, control, service, obedience and worship.

Deena was their favorite substance. She was free and readily available. Anytime they wanted a fix, they could demand something from Deena or simply call and yell at her. Many friends and experts advised Deena to keep giving in, apologizing, taking all the blame and forever holding the door open. Eventually, those people said, Deena’s sister and daughter would have attacks of conscience and become loving and caring in return.

The only way to stop being used and abused is to stop being used and abused.

Deena was thrilled looking at her sister and daughter as substance abusers. Now she felt and saw clearly; life-time patterns were explained. As long as she gave those addicts their fix, they’d come back for more. Their needs would increase with time. She’d never stop them if she continued giving them their substance.

Deena felt free.

This was not her fault. She was actually a good sister and mother. Her sister and daughter had chosen their addictions.

Deena started saying, “No” sometimes. At first she made excuses for not giving in to their power and control, and for cutting them off when they attacked her. Later, she simply said “No” or “Goodbye” all the time without explanation.

They blew up, but without effect on Deena.

Deena didn’t feel guilty; she didn’t respond emotionally to their attempts to destroy her self-confidence or self-esteem. She knew you don’t give drugs to substance abusers. That never cures them.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.