Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children and husbands don’t love or care for you

Frannie (fictitious name) realized her husband and her toxic adult son were not on the Autism spectrum. The problem was not that they simply didn’t realize how much their behavior had hurt her. It was much more than that. They didn’t love or care about her the way she thought people should. She realized that they didn’t communicate with her, and they didn’t reciprocate her kindness and caring because they didn’t want to. Toward, they not only did exactly what they wanted, they actively prevented her from doing anything she wanted or enjoyed.

Frannie noticed her husband communicated very clearly with other people. He knew exactly what to say to drive away people she wanted to be friends with. With people he wanted to befriend, he knew what they felt and wanted. He even anticipated what they wanted before they asked him.

Actually, her husband and son were exquisitely sensitive to her thoughts and feelings. They understood completely what she wanted and had a thousand excuses to justify why she shouldn’t have it. Every time she wanted to do something to make herself happy, they prevented her from doing it or they sabotaged what she tried to do. They were negative, critical, demeaning and abusive. They were bullying narcissists disguised as emotionally unavailable. Every time she got happy, they did something to destroy her joy. And they smirked about it. They enjoyed her frustration, pain and anger. They knew exactly what they were doing.

They thought they were fine. When she didn’t like how they treated her, it was all her problem.

Consequently, they were destroying her Spirit and her life. They might promise to do something but conveniently forget. When she begged them to think of her feelings and to do what she wanted, they said they didn’t understand and, therefore, they didn’t have to do what she wanted. Then they always make sure she couldn’t do it either. They argued that her unhappiness was her fault and her problem.

In rare moments, they were honest. They told her she was their servant, slave, property. She was not supposed to have any wishes or happiness of her own. She didn’t deserve to be happy. They didn’t care about what she wanted. Her happiness was unimportant or irrelevant. Servants, slaves don’t deserve to be happy. If she tried, they’d prevent it. They should be at the center of her life. She was a good wife and mother only when she was useful. They loved her just like they loved animals or tools who served them.

Frannie realized that in their minds, they were the only persons in the world who really mattered.

Something in her snapped permanently when she realized they acted like jealous Gods. In their minds, she was supposed to adore and worship and serve them. She was not allowed to have any wishes or interests of her own. That would be heresy. She would be an infidel worthy of whatever punishment they chose to inflict on her.

In their minds, there are only four kinds of people:

1. Those who had what they wanted and were, therefore, targets.

2. Those who were better, more powerful and to be feared until they could be manipulated or destroyed.

3. Those who were tools or worshippers who were be controlled and used to get what they wanted.

4. Those who were unimportant unless they got in the way or became targets or tools.

Instead of asking “why they were that way,” Frannie used that realization to think differently about all the situations she’d experienced with them.

She let that feeling sink into every cell of her body, especially her heart. Her life with them became clear; her past and her future with them became clear. They’d destroy any life she wanted that wasn’t her abject subjugation.

Her Spirit demanded that she get away; that she finally begin living a life of her own, a life she was in the center of, not at the periphery; that she take charge of her life; that she become the Heroine of her life.

Her guilt and shame were gone. Her anger rose to give her determination and power. She would not be deflected when they said she was bad, she would not quit, she would not give in.

She began the hard task of getting away from “Gods” who thought they could strike her with lightning whenever they wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children: Why so many now?

Ellen (fictitious name) couldn’t understand why her daughter had become so selfish and entitled, angry and uncaring, mean and cruel. Ellen knew there were many toxic parents, but she wasn’t one of them. Sure, she’d given her daughter too much, but she’d always tried to teach her to be kind and caring. After Ellen joined a number of Facebook groups, she realized her daughter was one of a plague of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children.

It wasn’t Ellen’s fault.

Yes, there were difficulties for her daughter when she was growing up. Ellen had divorced her abusive husband, but she always made sure her daughter got as much and as good as her peers, even better. And Ellen saw many of those toxic adult children from whole, stable families.

Typical psychological answers aren’t correct.

The psychologists’ explanations given to Ellen and the people she met on her estranged and alienated parents’ groups were indictments of the parents or of the genes they passed on or were all about the problems the kids had when they were growing up. But those explanations couldn’t be right. Most of the parents of those children had much harsher childhoods. Much less had been given to them, but they’d turned out to be decent people who tried to understand and care for their own parents, despite the tough lives they’d had growing up.

At a deeper level, all the explanations were wrong because they imagined the children as helpless victims of the events and forces in their lives. The underlying assumption in the explanations was that the children were sensitive and fragile, and justified when they abused their parents. The explanations assumed that if the children weren’t given everything, if they weren’t loved unconditionally, if their feelings weren’t given in to or if they weren’t made happy at every moment, then it would be natural that they’d grow up to be the kind of bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults they had, indeed, become. And it was the parents’ fault for not pleasing them; not raising their self-esteem.

But Ellen realized, that could be true because the estranged and alienated parents hadn’t had those benefits when they were growing up, and they’d turned out pretty good.

Why so many bullying, narcissistic, toxic adults now?

This phenomenon has happened many times before, in many cultures across the world. It happens whenever a society gets rich enough, in general, that children and their parents don’t have to struggle for the basic necessities of life.

When this happens, the parents always ask their children:

• How do you feel? And then the parents take on the responsibility to make their children feel better, no matter what they have to do.

• What do you want? And then the parents give the children whatever they want, whatever will make them feel better.

These questions are important in moderation, but when it’s all day, every day, about everything, those children soon expect to be at the center of the universe. They think they should be given everything they want, especially happiness. The universe is supposed to shower them with abundance and make them happy. If their performance is mediocre or if they fail, they are protected from consequences. Deep down, the parents know that if they don’t give, those children will fight to the death to get what they wanted.

This pattern encourages those children in their most selfish, demanding, narcissistic tendencies. Those children feel entitled to an easy, comfortable life that satisfies them.

The question of those toxic children is always about getting what they want. They never think about how their parent feels or what their parent wants. In their minds, their parent’s only function in life is the serve them, to please them. They never think of their responsibility to please their parent or to give back to their society.

When those bullying narcissists have to prepare and then go out into the world, where only performance matters, where they’re expected to produce and to do things they don’t like, where they have to struggle and might not succeed, they react with anger and blame, with retaliation. If they make bad decisions, it’s somebody else’s fault.

Previously, every child (peasants, princes and princesses) had duties, responsibilities and obligations. They were expected to struggle and learn as children, to work at becoming adults who would fulfill their adult roles in society, to become competent, whether they liked it or not. Of course, not all succeeded. And when they didn’t, there were dire consequences.

When societies get rich, children in the next few generations tend to become selfish and entitled, and act like outraged victims when they don’t get everything they want. The examples are countless. We have plays from the Greeks of the late fifth century BC after they conquered Persia, letters from the Romans of the first centuries after they conquered Carthage and the rest of Europe, examples of the Moguls after they conquered India, from the Portuguese and Spanish after they conquered the Americas, from the Dutch and the British after they conquered the far East. And many more.

Ellen realized that no matter what she had told her daughter, the girl had willingly accepted the brainwashing that was in the media, in her schools, in her peers, in the air she breathed. She was supposed to be loved, pleased and approved of, or someone (her mom) was at fault. Someone should be blamed and pay for her displeasure. Her chosen friends and therapists all agreed.

The typical psychological explanations leave out free will, choice.

Yes, overindulgence makes it easy for a child to expect everything they want, but there’s always the choice the growing child makes a thousand times to continue expecting to be pleased, because they’re entitled. Then they get addicted to the pleasure of being enraged, blaming and punishing when they don’t get complete obedience. Vindictiveness becomes a chosen habit.

Ellen could see that pattern in so many families. Usually, only one or two of the children, but not all, chose to be selfish and entitled. The rest choose to become decent adults.

Ellen was freed when she recognized her daughter had chosen to be mean and cruel.

Ellen let go of her guilt and shame; she stopped accepting blame. She knew she had to protect herself and her other children from the daughter who’d chosen to be a predator, a monster. She could love her daughter from afar, but she would not step into a cage with her. Inside, she’d only get her flesh and feelings shredded. She made the choice that was life-giving to herself and the other children.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullies, narcissists, toxic adult children’s verbal, emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse

Dora (fictitious name) realized her toxic, adult son was using the same methods to demean and control her that her husband had used since they were married. Her son was imitating his father.

They both were negative, critical, back-stabbing, mean and harsh. Nothing she did was ever good enough. They manipulated her to keep trying to please them, to be their servant or slave forever.

Her friends and her pastor said that since they didn’t hit her and her husband hadn’t raped her recently, it wasn’t bullying or abuse.

They said her husband and her son probably didn’t realize how bad she felt. They wouldn’t act that way on purpose. Anyway, it wasn’t so bad and she should endure; it wasn’t real abuse. She should feel guilty if they were displeased or offended by what she did.

But they’d been doing it for years and when Dora told them how much it hurt, they smiled, did worse to her. She was over-reacting and too sensitive. Anyway, it was her problem. Only she could make herself happy.

Dora knew how much it hurt her. She felt abused, beaten, wounded. Yet she seemed to need someone as the definitive expert to label their behavior as bullying and abuse.

Dora shifted when she listened to me and Tarana Burke.

Trana Burke: “Unkindness is a serial killer. Death in the flesh sometimes seems like a less excruciating way to succumb than the slow and steady venom unleashed by mean-spirited, cruel words and actions that poison you over time. I guess that’s why I can’t stand the old children’s rhyme: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Every time I hear it, I think to myself: that’s a lie. You can dodge a rock, but you can’t unhear a word. [It’s hard to] undo the intentional damage that some words have on your mind, body, and spirit.”

When Dora accepted that she was being abused and had the right to stop it; she felt free to protect herself.

The phrase that inspired and sustained her was that she had to become the Heroine of Her Life. Now, she could act with purpose and determination. She was not going to allow any cruel, abusive and toxic behavior in her life. And she would do whatever it took to get that behavior out of her life. She’d rather be safe than live in embarrassment, shame or guilt because she wasn’t perfect according to them. Or to live in fear because they’d they’d put her down in public.

She was even willing to divorce her husband and cut off her son if they didn’t change.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children are addicted to your pain

Cora (fictitious name) kept thinking that if her adult son only understood how much pain he was causing her, he’d stop bullying and abusing her. He was acting exactly the way she’d seen bullies and narcissists described on videos. He was mean, cruel, manipulative and toxic. He seemed to enjoy making promises and then cancelling at the last minute or not even showing up at all. Whenever she got her hopes up, he’d thwart what she was looking forward to, and then he’d yell at her just like his father had. His unhappiness was her fault.

She was exhausted trying to teach him, to get him to understand, to get him to care about her. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing; the pain and damage he was causing her? What had she done to deserve this abuse?

Cora finally looked at the evidence of his behavior, not at his words/excuses/reasons.

Cora listened and believed what she’d been saying to me and to all her friends. He had reasons for justified in doing everything he’d done to her. If he was irritated or angry at anything, he thought he could lash out at her in any way he wanted. His reasons mattered; hers did not. He acted like he didn’t care, like her feelings and wishes didn’t matter. He acted like he didn’t want to understand.

He had no healthy fear of hurting her.

He was sure she’d put up with his inflicting pain to her.

Then she let herself acknowledge the big truth she’d been avoiding; he was gleeful every time she cried, every time she protested, every time she begged him to be nice. She’d seen that glee on his face when he hurt her and got away with it.

He was addicted to her pain.

He loved hurting her and watch her squirm, watching her try to explain away his cruelty to her friends, listening to her try to teach him the value of kindness, watching her torture herself trying to figure out what she’d done wrong.

Causing her pain was his drug of choice. The joy he got was palpable and it was free and he could get high anytime he wanted.

Cora knew she had to protect herself from her own flesh and blood.

As hard as it was to accept, once Cora did, she could shift to how to protect herself from a leech, an emotional and energy vampire, a vulture, a piranha who wanted to eat her alive, piece by piece. Now she could predict what he’d do next. It didn’t matter why he’d chosen his drug, he was completely hooked.

She had to deal with him as if he was an addict. She couldn’t keep enabling him. She couldn’t allow him anywhere near her or he’d take every drop of blood she had. And so she cut him off until he stopped being addicted, until she could trust her own judgment of whether she’d be safe being with him.

Before he changed, Cora spent years of requiring him to act polite and civil or else. And it took a minor miracle for him to change his heart.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: You can’t love them enough to cure them

Betty (fictitious name) kept trying to win her daughter’s love just like Betty had been told she had to do when she was growing up. Even when her daughter was a little girl, she’d had always wanted more and Betty had provided it.

As her daughter grew up, her bullying, narcissistic, toxic behavior increased with each year. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive toward Betty, no matter what Betty did for her. Betty struggled but managed to pay for all her daughter’s college expenses, her phone, her car and insurance, and all the spending money the girl demanded. Then her daughter demanded the same through graduate school. Then there was the huge, destination wedding.

Through it all, her daughter treated Betty with contempt. She made phone calls or texts only when she was demanding more money, rarely answered Betty’s texts or calls, yelled at Betty to shut up if Betty ever wanted to talk, told Betty she had no right to know what she was doing and always had more important things to do if Betty wanted to visit.

Betty’s old rules kept her a servant, a slave.

Betty was raised to believe that love could conquer all, that her first job was to make her daughter happy, if her daughter had a problem or was unhappy it was Betty’s fault, if Betty didn’t like anything it was Betty’s problem, thinking of her own feelings meant Betty was selfish, family comes first, love means giving, forgiveness means Betty had to keep giving. We all know the cluster of beliefs, rules and roles many people are raised with. Betty accepted those without question.

The Beetles were right: With bullies, narcissists, “Can’t buy me love.”

Bullies, toxic narcissists are insatiable; they can never get enough power and control, they can never inflict enough pain to be satisfied. They don’t take your good deeds as a model to be copied; your good deeds show them there’s a person they can take advantage of.

Betty felt used and abused; she felt like a slave. Her daughter was like Veruka Salt from Willie Wonka. Betty was shocked and appalled at herself when she realized she didn’t like or respect her daughter.

Betty couldn’t understand why her daughter had turned out that way; what had Betty done wrong?

Betty had a part in her daughter’s pattern, but the source of the problem was in her daughter. Her daughter had always chosen to get what she wanted by beating Betty into submission. Her daughter never stopped wanted. She was needy and greedy without end. She had to have everything she thought of; every passing fancy had to be satisfied immediately.

Betty had consistently taught a different way of being, but her daughter hadn’t listened. Her daughter didn’t care about Betty’s ideas of good behavior and good character, of how to live a kind and loving life. She didn’t care about Betty as a human being. She cared only that Betty give her everything she wanted.

Betty realized she’d enabled that attitude by giving her daughter whatever she wanted; that’s what being a loving mother had meant to Betty. Then she realized, she had kept giving because she was afraid of the war if she ever said “no.” She hadn’t felt able to resist her daughter’s fight to the death to get every little thing she wanted. Betty had submitted.

All the answers to Betty’s “why” question didn’t help Betty devise tactics to change her daughter. Her daughter was choosing her feelings and her behavior; she was righteous about what she thought, felt and did.

Betty weaned her daughter.

The most important shift was within Betty. Betty chose to throw out all those old rules and to make new ones now, based on her experience and wisdom. She decided she was not responsible for her daughter’s happiness. She let go of the guilt she’d carried like a lead weight.

No matter what other people said to her, Betty decided to be firm about what she wanted to do. She could never be sure about the future, about what might work to change her daughter, but she was clear that enabling her daughter had never worked. Also, she decided she had to let go of the goal of changing her daughter. She could only have the goal of keeping her personal space free of bullying, narcissistic behavior. That wasn’t selfish; that was necessary. She could only hope a miracle would happen and her daughter would choose to change in order to be in Betty’s space.

Betty became the heroine of her own life and her life became truly her own life, not the life she’d been groomed for since her childhood.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children who think they’re empaths

Alice (fictitious name) was stunned when her bullying, narcissistic, toxic, adult daughter proudly announced that she knew what Alice was thinking and feeling because she was an empath. Since her daughter was little, she’d never showed an ounce of kindness, caring or compassion for anyone but herself. She was mean, cruel, manipulative and abusive to anyone who disagreed with her or refused to do what she wanted.

Alice obsessed about whether her daughter really believed she was an empath.

Alice finally understood that question only led her to endless analysis of her daughter and to speculation based on what opposing experts thought. Her daughter still consumed Alice’s life. It didn’t lead to answers that would help her stop her daughter or to protect herself.

Why is that the wrong question?

You might think that if relentless bullies and narcissists don’t really believe they’re empaths, you can use that self-doubt to convince them they’re really hurting you and that they have no compassion of sympathy. Then they’ll admit they’re not kind or compassionate and change the way they act. But you can’t convince them. Part of the definition of being a relentless bully and a narcissist is that they don’t change.

You might think that if they’re deluded, if they really believe they’re empathic, you’ll be able to prove to them – using their behavior, facts, reality check with others, reasoning, logic – that they’re not kind or compassionate, they’ll be remorseful and change. But you can’t.

Relentless bullies and narcissists want to be worshipped and obeyed, and to get what they want. They may claim they’re caring but they’re not interested in the real well-being of their target, only in getting what they want.

Some relentless bullies and narcissists are overt. They’re right in your face. They don’t care what you want or fear or hope. They’re going to beat you into submission, period.

Other relentless bullies and narcissists can be exquisitely sensitive to their target’s needs and wants. Then they’ll use their understanding (“empathy”) to manipulate or coerce their targets into doing what the narcissist wants. That knowledge or understanding of what motivates people (their fears, wants, dreams, hopes, temptations, values, etc.) does not, by itself, make them empaths.

Alice recognized the major characteristics of empaths:

1. They sense or know what people want, what motivates them, how they feel (what their hopes, dreams, pains, fears, desires, etc. are).

2. They have understanding and sympathy; they’re kind and compassionate; they try to make other people feel seen, heard, understood; they try to help them feel better; they try to help them grow and become more independent, more fulfilled.

What’s the right question for Alice?

Alice knew her daughter lacked the second characteristic of empaths. She cared only about herself. Alice realized better questions would be, “How can I protect myself? How can I stop my daughter from becoming the center of my life, controlling me, sucking me dry, ruining my life?” Those questions led Alice into her future; they were better than analysis paralysis.

What Alice did.

Alice quickly saw what she had to do to maintain a distance between her and her daughter. It wasn’t easy. When Alice resisted, her daughter tried bullying and abuse. When Alice still did what she wanted and didn’t do what she didn’t want, her daughter switched to manipulation, blame, shame and guilt tactics. And she withheld Alice’s grandchildren. But finally, when she needed Alice, she capitulated and started treating Alice with respect and caring. Alice never thought her daughter’s heart had really changed, but at least she got good treatment and time with the grandchildren.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic spouses form cults for your willing toxic adult children

Wendy and Wanda (fictitious names) had the same problem but for different reasons. Both their 30-year-old sons had joined what I call “The Cult of Their Spouses.” They married toxic, abusive, entitled, bullying narcissists. Their spouses were selfish, self-centered, righteous control-freaks.

Wendy’s son and fiancé had not invited Wendy to the wedding. Wanda’s son had invited his parents to the wedding but only if they paid for it because the bride’s family didn’t want to. At the wedding reception the bride threw a fit and publicly told Wanda and her husband off for being too cheap to make the wedding fancy enough for her. Wanda’s son stood by and let it happen.

The spouses ruled and the sons went along with it.

Both spouses hated their own families but took it out on Wendy and Wanda. They were never pleased or satisfied by whatever Wendy and Wanda did. The demands were endless. The spouses were 110% convinced that whatever they thought was actually true. They were certain that Wendy and Wanda wanted to control them. They seemed to enjoy being mean. They poisoned the sons’ minds with lies and twisted interpretations of Wendy and Wanda’s actions and intentions.

The sons lives had all the symptoms of being members of cults – there was one ruler who was right, they had to serve their master or be punished, they were not allowed to leave the cult, they were cut off from the outside world. They accepted what their girlfriends, then fiancés and now brides said. They let their wives control all their money and their view of the world. They acquiesced to their spouses’ demands for estrangement and alienation, and were soon isolated from their former friends and their families.

Wendy and Wanda kept beating themselves with guilt: What did we do wrong? We always tried to teach them better.

The sons had different reasons, but both became willing slaves to their masterful spouses.

Wendy’s son had always seemed to be a kind, loving, poster child. He did well in school, had many friends and activities, and never got into trouble. At least until he was a teenager. The older he became, the more overtly angry and rebellious he became. He’d never listen to what Wendy wanted, refused to do any chores and once shook her hard and told her she wasn’t the boss of him. He’d do whatever he wanted from now on. She could prove she loved him by giving him whatever he wanted and leaving him alone.

Now he became toxic to please his wife. Clearly, she had tapped into his vein of hatred and encouraged it. The problem was in him, and his wife used it for her own reasons.

Wanda’s son had always been the kindest, most compassionate and helpful person. He told Wanda his wife was reacting a terrible background, but he was sure that with enough love he could bring her around to loving his parents. His plan was to give in to all her demands and work steadily to teach her to open her heart and love Wanda. In my experience, that never works. The bullying narcissist always drags the well-meaning savior down into the pit of hatred.

When the babies came, the sons were trapped.

Wendy and Wanda kept reaching out, kept trying to prove their unconditional love and caring. They apologized profusely for things they hadn’t done, for things they thought were the right thing to do and for every misunderstanding. That approach seemed to please the spouses temporarily, and Wendy and Wanda clung to hope they could repair the relationships.

But when babies were born, their sons were trapped. Even if they had second thoughts (and Wendy’s son really hadn’t) they would never leave their children. They thought the right thing to do was to buffer their wives rage and control.

The estrangement and alienation almost destroyed Wendy and Wanda.

They saw lifetimes ahead of pain, torment and begging. They saw lifetimes of becoming impoverished, feeding the demands of their sons and their wives. But, with help, they faced the challenge of having their dreams destroyed and finding new people to share their love with. They built new lives from the rubble of their shattered dreams.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Addiction and the “Worship of Me”

Vera (fictitious name) was desperate. Her 40-year-old daughter had called and demanded Vera give her $10,000 for a vacation she wanted to take. Vera was certain if she didn’t give the money, her daughter would never speak to her again and would withhold the grandchildren.

From the time her daughter was four, when she didn’t get her way, she yelled, screamed and threw temper tantrums, claiming Vera had never been nice enough or made her happy enough. Actually, Vera had given her daughter everything – money, clothes, trips, cars, servitude on-call – but it was never enough. Her daughter was never satisfied; her demands always escalated.

Vera finally accepted that her daughter was a toxic, bullying narcissist who bullied and abused Vera to get what she wanted. Her daughter was negative, critical, hostile, demanding and demeaning to Vera, in private and in public. Her happiness was the only thing that mattered in her world.

Vera stopped asking “Why?”

Vera knew her daughter’s reasons and excuses, and had spent lots of time and money analyzing why her daughter would do what she did. Vera would never have said or done those things to her parents. But all that analysis never helped her change her daughter’s personality or treatment of Vera.

Vera acknowledged her role in creating the pattern. Her daughter had been born demanding and Vera had always given in. Vera admitted she wasn’t perfect; twice she’d been so frustrated she’d yelled at her daughter; she’d even bought her daughter a used car as the first car, instead of the new one her daughter demanded. She’d fed her daughter’s greed by giving in. She knew she was guilty; it was all her fault.

Finally, Vera accepted that her behavior and the circumstances had not created her daughter’s greed and relentless abuse. Her daughter had free will. She’d chosen and practiced her personality. Her daughter had been relentless even as a little child. Her daughter treated every thought she had as if it was absolutely true; every feeling as if was justified; every desire as if it was a matter of life and death. Vera had not wanted to create a spoiled, entitled brat, but she didn’t have the strength to resist someone who’d never give up until Vera had been beaten into submission. Her daughter thought she had to have what wanted or she’d die.

When Vera saw her daughter as an addict, everything became clear and she could predict what her daughter would do next.

All the reasons and excuses her daughter gave were not the real reason for her behavior. Vera knew, in her heart-of-hearts, her daughter was addicted to being right and justified, and to getting everything she wanted. She was also addicted to the pleasure she got tormenting and torturing Vera. She was addicted to greed, demands and righteous anger; she enjoyed being mean and causing Vera pain. For her daughter, it was a cheap addiction – it was free and she could get high whenever she wanted.

Vera knew it didn’t matter what she did; she’d be condemned by her daughter if she did something and condemned if she didn’t. There was no easy way out for her. All the explaining, reasoning, teaching and begging fell on deaf ears, just like they would on the ears of someone hooked on cocaine or heroin. Her daughter would steal all her time and money, and destroy her Soul. Vera had to protect herself.

Vera’s daughter also worshipped herself; she led the “Cult of Me.”

If she had a thought, it was right; if she had a feeling, it was justified; if she wanted something, she should be handed it immediately. She should be pleased, satisfied, satiated. She was entitled. She was supposed to be worshipped. Sacrifices should be offered on her altar. The world, meaning Vera, owed everything to her.

Her daughter’s behavior made no sense to Vera; no person should believe and act that way. But admitting her daughter was an addict and a person who thought she should be worshipped and obeyed, made her daughter’s behavior patterns clear. The realization lifted Vera’s guilt and need to please.

If Vera continued worshipping at the altar of her daughter, her daughter would never change.

Vera had to stop worshipping and stop hoping that her daughter would suddenly understand and become a good, caring, kind, considerate person. Those kinds of miracles are never promoted by giving in to the demands of a selfish, narcissistic, bully.

Vera went cold-turkey. She started saying, “Not interested. I’m not feeding your addiction. You’ll have to treat me very nicely for a long time before you get anything from me. You’re not the boss of me.”

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children demand they be the center of your life

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children demand they be the center of your life. Ute (fictitious name) had an adult daughter she could never satisfy. No matter how much she did or gave, it was never enough. Also, making plans with her daughter was exhausting. She always changed her mind and Ute had to accommodate her no matter how difficult. The daughter always had a sixth sense for when Ute was busy or exhausted or taking care of someone else. If Ute wouldn’t do any service immediately or if she was willing to entertain the rest of the family when that daughter couldn’t attend, it proved Ute never loved her daughter as much as the other children (or at all).

Everything you say/do is a sign of how much you love (obey, give) them.

Ute’s daughter wanted Ute to prove she loved that daughter best. According to her, Ute was always on trial. Since she convinced Ute that Ute had sinned against her in the past and that she’d felt rejected and abandoned, she had Ute hooked through guilt forever. Ute had to endure criticism and abuse because she owed her daughter the rest of her life as long as the daughter wanted.

They train you to prove your love or else.

If Ute wasn’t immediately obedient to her daughter’s demands, her daughter exploded. Her hurt feelings were followed by righteous rage and accusations, or by the loud silent treatment, followed by calls to everyone in the family with stories about how cruel Ute was and had always been. Her daughter was endlessly manipulative; she lied and exaggerated her pains. It was never ending; there was always one more thing and always at the most inconvenient time.

Ute finally said, “Enough.”

On Mother’s Day, in front of the whole extended family, when her daughter started her never ending story about what a rotten mother Ute was, Ute finally exploded. She told everyone how selfish and greedy her daughter was, how she was never satisfied, how she wanted all of Ute’s money and time. Ute told them all how her daughter had lied to them with her complaints. She labeled her daughter as a “Professional victim.”

Now the shoe was on the other foot, Ute’s daughter had to win Ute’s good will. If Ute’s daughter had issues, she could work them out by herself with her therapist. Ute was done with apologizing for things she’d never done.

Of course, some extended family members were shocked and begged Ute to continue giving in. “That’s just how her daughter was.” But the rest of the family, including Ute’s other children, applauded. That day was the start of the rest of Ute’s true life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

With bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children: Unconditional love is martyrdom (and bad for them)

Tina (fictitious name) grew up with a mother who never took care of her or her siblings. Tina stepped up at five years-old and became the caretaker. Her mother was negative and critical of Tina’s efforts, no matter how competent Tina became. Tina vowed she’d do better for her children. She’d love them unconditionally, which meant she’d never let them feel the stress and pain she’d felt.

Tina succeeded. She became “The Good Mom.” She made them the center of her life. She gave her children everything, all the time. Tina wasn’t going to let them suffer like she had.

As they grew up, her children chose to follow the path of their do-nothing, manipulative, lazy, always-have-excuses father, Tina’s ex-husband. They became selfish, entitled, greedy, bullying, narcissistic adults who were toxic to Tina. They never contacted her, she wasn’t allowed to see her grandchildren, she was excluded from any holidays or celebration (even Mother’s day). They ran to her when they needed and threw her away after they’d gotten what they wanted. When they got together, usually with their father who still gave nothing, the “cult” criticized everything Tina did; she was never good enough.

Tina thought she had to love her adult children more; to love them unconditionally.

The unconditional love her bullying, abusive, narcissistic, toxic adult children demanded from Tina meant she had to give them everything they wanted, she had to them happy and she had to gladly accept the verbal abuse they heaped on her. No matter how angry she got, she had to keep her vow. She had to forgive them. When they dangled a carrot in order to get what they wanted, she’d jump in hopes they’d finally changed. But they were simply like Lucy, whipping the football away and letting Charlie Brown land hard on his back.

Tina finally realized she was hurting her adult children by instantly relieving their stress and making them happy.

Even though they’d chosen the easy and selfish way themselves, she’d participated by not allowing them to struggle for success. She’d participated in keeping them petulant, incompetent and spoiled. Her guilt helped Tina remember to do the opposite of what she’d always done.

Not only was she hurting them, she was hurting herself.

Her original, childhood vow hadn’t included herself. One-way, unconditional love meant she’d always be the victim, the martyr. That was not the life she wanted.

Tina forgave herself and stopped enabling and rescuing them.

The vow she’d taken as a child was the best a good and strong little girl could think of. And it helped make her competent and caring. She’d also hoped her unconditional love would earn her love in return but it hadn’t. Now she vowed to take care of herself.

She decided not to make a big proclamation to her children. She simply stopped rushing in to solve their problems. She sympathized with their stress and pain but she didn’t fix it. Not only that, she stopped giving them advice and resources. She told them she knew they were smart enough to figure out what they needed. She’d cheer from the sidelines.

Her children didn’t like not being rescued.

At first they tried even harder to beat Tina into submission. Next they pulled the cult together more tightly to exclude her. Tina missed her grandchildren but she stayed firm and happy enjoying her new life. So when that didn’t get her adult children what they wanted, a few defected and started to treat Tina nicely in hopes of getting what they wanted.

The big shock to them was when Tina stopped jumping for the carrots they dangled. She was glad to reciprocate nice, polite interactions but she stopped offering advice and solving their problems. The best thing for them and her would be to let them experience and deal with the realities, the ups and downs of life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Facing bullies, narcissists: Liberate yourself from the Matrix of your old life

Stella (fictitious name) realized she was trapped in the Matrix of her old life – her old rules, beliefs, roles, values and even the old vows she’d taken when she was a little girl. She felt caught in a spider’s web and the more she struggled, the more trapped she felt.

Stella’s oldest daughter chose to be an entitled, selfish, bullying narcissist.

When Stella stopped giving her oldest daughter everything she wanted after she graduated from college, the girl turned on her both in person and online. In front of friends and family, she’d say what a horrible mother Stella had always been, how she felt rejected and abandoned when Stella wouldn’t give what she wanted, how her life had been ruined because Stella was cruel and unloving. She was constantly negative, critical, cruel and abusive. She made up lies about Stella. When Stella tried to use facts and logic to rebut her daughter’s claims, she threw hysterical fits.

Then she started brainwashing her younger sister. She twisted everything Stella had ever said in order to turn her sister against Stella.

The Matrix Stella accepted from her old life kept her from responding effectively.

A few of the old rules Stella still accepted were:

• * Be a nice girl, rise above, never get angry.

• * Never say anything bad about people, even when they hurt you. Always see the best side of someone, forgive their weaknesses, they must have been hurt when they were younger.

• * Never say anything to hurt someone’s feelings, never to punish or strike-back, never to be vindictive or retaliate.

• * Never make a scene in public.

• * It’s my fault if people are angry, if I gave enough, everyone would love me and be nice.

And there were many others.

In addition, Stella’s parents had always fought and had created a life of chaos for their children. Every angry scene meant danger, followed by emotional and physical pain. Negativity, cutting criticism and mental cruelty were continuing. Stella had vowed to make peace and to protect her parents and siblings. She swore to herself that when she grew up, she’d never get in arguments with anyone, especially her children.

Her fallback question was always, “What did I do wrong?” She assumed if she apologized and gave people what they wanted, she’d make peace. She packed shame and guilt into her self-talk.

The old Matrix helped Stella survive childhood but trapped her as an adult.

She realized her old ideas and childhood strategies with her abusive, uncaring parents had helped her survive. If she’d resisted the mental and emotional torture, and the beatings would have been worse.

Her old ideas and vows had not redeemed her bullying, abusive, narcissistic husband from his childhood Matrix. He’d gotten worse every time he’d made her give in and accept his verbal and physical attacks.

Despite all Stella’s attempts to teach her daughter differently, she now accepted that her daughter had repeated the same pattern as her father. Her daughter had not chosen to follow Stella’s examples. Her daughter found it easier to be a righteous hater than to be an open, caring, loving person. Instead she lived in her own Matrix that justified her trying to ruin her mother’s life.

In grief and desperation to save herself, Stella wrenched herself from her old Matrix.

The exercise she did put her squarely in a new, effective set of ideas, beliefs, rules and attitudes, developed from her experience and adult wisdom. She was no longer controlled and held back by old, ineffective rules. Step-by-step she destroyed the spider’s web that had enmeshed her as a victim.

She became excited to tell the truth about her daughter to the rest of the family. She found ways to characterize her daughter that stayed in everyone else’s minds. She found ways to block her daughter’s attempts to beat her into submission and to isolate her from her other child and much of her family. She became free to become the person she’d always wanted to be.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic, toxic husbands won’t let you go easily

Patty thought her husband would be thrilled when she wanted to leave the long-dead marriage, but she was wrong. She thought that since the children had moved away he’d be glad to be free from the responsibilities she’d tried to force on him, but she was wrong.

The 30 year marriage had been torture to her.

He was negative, critical, bullying, narcissistic, abusive and toxic. Eventually, he admitted the truth she hadn’t wanted to face the whole time. He never wanted love or a partnership or an in-depth, intimate relationship; he just wanted someone who’d take care of him. He’d never wanted the responsibilities of being a friend, confidante, provider or father. That’s why he never provided money, effort, consideration or caring for her or the children. He did exactly what he wanted at any moment and absolutely nothing more. She’d always made the money and been completely responsible for the house, home and parenting.

He thwarted every effort she made to have fun with him and the children. When she told him what she didn’t like, he told her it was her problem; he wouldn’t change and wouldn’t talk about it. When forced sex hurt her, he said women were supposed to suffer; it wasn’t his problem.

Even though he didn’t like her or the marriage, he wouldn’t let her go.

When she said she didn’t want to be his suffering servant any more, he was furious. He told her he’d ruin her reputation in the small town and the Church they went to. He started spreading rumors that she was unfaithful, wouldn’t cook for him and yelled at him all the time. He started running up big bills on their joint credit cards, which she was going to be responsible for. He told her if she saw a lawyer or got divorce papers, he’d take every penny out of their joint account. He told her he’d harass her forever; he’d consume the rest of her life.

Bullies and narcissists won’t let you go easily even if they’ve been abusive and brutal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

They won’t let you go even if they have someone on the side, even if they’re glad to move on to other prey, even if they’re the ones to initiate the break. Once they’ve experienced the thrill and pleasure of torturing you, they want to keep enjoying your pain. They act like jealous gods: no matter what, you’re supposed to keep adoring and worshipping them, you’re supposed to sacrifice everything to serve them. How dare you not have them at the center of your life!

Patty realized he wasn’t unfeeling or emotionally defective; he was mean, nasty and vicious.

All along, he knew exactly what he was doing and how to make her life miserable. Through the years, he’d said his behavior was her fault and if she wanted a good relationship, she had to be more loving, and submissive, and try harder. But he finally admitted, she’d never be able to give or do enough to get loving care in return. He wasn’t going to change; she’d taken his name so she was his property.

She realized he loved the thrill, the pleasure of getting her hopes up and then trampling on her feelings. He enjoyed her frustration and pain. He enjoyed total control over her.

Patty found her Center; she became determined – fierce and powerful.

She decided she was done. She’d face her fears of him attacking her, of her being isolated and alone, of her having to leave town in order to find people who would befriend her. Her determination and resolve was the key to her enduring his anger and retaliation.

She saw a lawyer in secret. Over time, she got separate credit cards and bank accounts for them. She put her name on all the utility accounts so she’d have a credit history. She found an apartment. Then she presented him with filed papers and froze all the accounts.

She realized she was fighting for her future; her future as an individual human being, not a submissive servant. She got help to get past her distaste for conflict. She got help to keep her courage, determination and Spirit strong. She learned how to fight skillfully. She became the strongest and calmest version of herself that she could become. She got free.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Toxic, bullying, narcissistic bio-family: Who’s your True Family?

Raina (fictitious name) always felt like she didn’t belong in her toxic family. She was scapegoated and used as Cinderella by her parents and her brother. He was the Golden Child; she was the servant. She didn’t know what she’d done wrong but she knew it was her fault. She vowed to be a better person, to please them so they’d finally listen to her and treat her lovingly and kindly. But, no matter how hard she tried, she was never able to please them, never able to be worthy enough. But they were her family and she vowed to keep trying.

She married to a man who was bullying, abusive and narcissistic. When the abuse got physical, she finally dared to divorce him. Her daughter was three years-old. Her ex left and started a new family, never looking back at this daughter. Raina worked hard and was successful enough to shower her daughter with everything.

By the time the girl was a teenager, she controlled Raina completely. No matter how Raina tried, she could never please her. Later, Raina’s daughter married and had children. Whenever her daughter needed babysitting, Raina was allowed to pay to see her grandchildren but she was never allowed visits on the holidays or when she wanted.

In addition, her daughter bonded with her biological father and they spread malicious, hateful lies about Raina throughout her biological family. Of course, her biological family believed the stories and plied on with more criticism and abuse of Raina.

Raina’s biological family was not Raina’s True Family.

Even as an adult, successful as she was in supporting herself all through her life, she was still an outcast in her bio-family. She was the ugly ducking – the swan raised by ducks who would peck her to death. She was encompassed by dogs, she was food for vultures.

But they were her bio-family. She’d thought she must respect and honor them no matter what. Who else would take care of her when she needed? Without them she’d be alone and lonely.

After being verbally abused and shunned one Christmas, Riana sobbed herself to sleep again. But this time, when she awoke she’d had the special dream we’d talked about. She felt totally free for the first time in her life. It was simple and clear: they were not her True Family.

All the rules she’d been fed were wrong. She’d always felt the most alone when she was surrounded by them. She was different. They’d never take care of her. She’d been trying to live the life they wanted for her but that wasn’t the life she wanted. She gave up trying to be listened to, understood, cared for by people who simply weren’t going to value her as an individual human being. She was valuable to them only when they could use her or gang up on her.

Who are Raina’s True Family?

I’ve worked with people across the globe, from all cultures, in the same situation as Raina and they had the same realization: their bio-family is not the family of their heart, mind or Spirit. They have been servants, scapegoats, outcasts in their bio-family.

Raina remembered other people in her life with whom she’d had heart-to-heart connections. They hadn’t taken her money, hadn’t blamed her for their problems, hadn’t used her like Cinderella. Those relationships had been full of reciprocal caring; they’d been interesting, exciting and fulfilling. But her family and her daughter had driven those people away.

Raina realized she’d never felt alone when she was with those people. And they had wanted to stick by her as she had tried to stick by them.

Raina’s True Family is the family of her heart, mind and Spirit.

Even more than a strong community of caring, these people were “family.” Raina was scared contemplating a future without her bio-family. But she was strengthened when she thought of living without the toxic, bullying, abuse and narcissism.

Even though it might be hard to find people like that again, she must turn away from people who wanted to enslave her and turn toward people who’d befriend her. Her Spirit demanded that turn, demanded a chance to make a life filled with warmth and peace. She felt her guilt evaporate. She gave herself the power to make the life she’d always wanted.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Zoom or Skype.

Estranged from bullying, narcissistic, toxic children: Ambiguous loss

Opal thought she get over the abuse and estrangement by her bullying, narcissistic son faster than if he had physically died. But she was wrong. Her heart had been ripped out but the sporadic punishment kept going on. Her son and his wife were a gift that kept giving pain and torment.

Opal’s son had always criticized her and tried to control her completely. According to him, she’d ruined his life; she never gave him enough, understood him enough, rescued him enough, loved him enough. His wife stimulated his hatred and attacked Opal even more negatively and viciously. In truth, Opal had worked multiple jobs after divorcing his abusive, alcoholic father, and had given her son everything. Her life had been devoted to him and then dedicated to his children.

“Ambiguous loss” is usually harder to deal with than an actual, finite, definitive loss.

Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” in her 1999 book. How can Opal have a wake, a funeral, a letting go of her dream of a loving, caring, ongoing relationship with a son and her grandchildren when they were still alive and coming into her life to inflict new pain whenever they wanted. It was as if they enjoyed torturing her. She could see that pain continuing until she died.

Even worse, none of her friends or family knew how to comfort her. They could not give a name to why Opal was suffering so much nor was there a ritual healing process Opal could use. Some even advised her to keep approaching her son and his wife even though that meant subjecting herself to more torture.

Opal had lost more than the loving, physical connections she’d built her life around, she’d lost the dream she’d made central to her existence.

Opal, like many other people, got relief when she saw the story of her life as if she was a planet revolving around a sun whose strong gravitational field kept her in orbit, kept her from flying off into the chaos of outer space. That sun has been her dream life – centered around her parents when she was growing up and then added to with her son and his family. After her parents had died, she’d focused her life on service to her son and her grandchildren, dreaming she’d rewarded by the warmth and joy she’d have in return.

The destruction of that compelling dream, which had been the center of her universe (an ambiguous loss), resulted in her being flung into the rest of her life with no mooring. She was wandering, lost, alone and bereft. She could find no comfort, no certainty, no rock to cling to, no path to connection, love or joy.

But now Opal’s path was clear: she had to put a new and equally compelling dream, with as strong a gravitational field, at the center of her world.

Then she might live the rest of her life with connection and joy.

Her bio-family had failed. If she tried to keep her son and his family at her center, she’d probably live in pain the rest of her life.

Once Opal had specifically named the depth of her grief, she stopped asking “why” and stopped looking for more explanations for what she’d done wrong to cause her son and his wife to act so hateful toward her. Her sense of fault and failure lifted. Now she could turn her focus from her son and move toward building the rest of her life.

Opal decided to put at the center of her world the future self she wanted to become. She would practice and discipline herself to think and feel and act the way she’d always wanted. She’d use her power to take charge of her life. Her joy would come from inside her and be brought into whatever she did.

She didn’t give up hope of bonding with her beloved grandchildren, but she’d do that from afar while she threw herself into other areas of her life.

She’d pray her son would have a change of heart but she would no longer keep begging him. She knew she couldn’t be the one to change him. Her being a model of a caring, loving person was lost on him. Endless giving wouldn’t satisfy him or his wife.

Many people have gone through many different processes in order to change their dreams and to heal but they’ve all gotten to the same place; a sense of peace, calm, determination, passion and joy. They’ve found their True Selves and searched for and created their True Families; the people of their hearts, minds and Spirits, not necessarily their bio-families.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic adult children won’t let you go easily

When Nancy’s (fictitious name) daughter estranged and alienated her from her 4 and 1 year-old grandchildren, she said she hated Nancy and never wanted to see her again. Nancy thought her daughter would welcome Nancy’s withdrawal.

Nancy was wrong. Her daughter had just wanted to hurt Nancy again and watch her beg after another rejection. Entitled, selfish, bullying, narcissistic, toxic adult children like Nancy’s daughter never want their victims to leave the torture chambers they create. She’d miss using Nancy as a scapegoat and whipping post.

Nancy had been used by her daughter all her life. When the girl was a teenager, she’d realized her mother would always give in. She demanded every moment of Nancy’s time and every penny she had. In college, she insisted Nancy answer every call immediately and do every errand she demanded. When she had the children, she knew she had Nancy for life.

Nancy always had to be available for planned and sudden babysitting. And, of course for every purchase the daughter wanted and for even more verbal and emotional abuse. If she met Nancy in public, her daughter would turn to her friends or Nancy’s and make sarcastic remarks and put-downs with a smile as if making a joke. Nancy was the worst mother ever. Her daughter’s bad decisions and problems were 100 percent Nancy’s fault.

Nancy’s friends and previous counselors and therapists had told her never to give up on her daughter; to keep accepting all the blame, confessing to all the sins and crimes she’d never committed and always to reach out. Never close the door. That was the only hope her daughter’s heart might change.

When Nancy’s savings and physical and emotional energy were exhausted, she finally said, “Enough.” She’d said that before but this time was different. Nancy discarded her guilt and actually acted to set boundaries. She became too busy to come every time her daughter demanded childcare and she stopped giving money. She hung up when her daughter started to throw a temper tantrum.

Nancy was simply not willing to be criticized and abused anymore, and she wouldn’t relent, no matter how felt. She said she loved her daughter and would keep demanding good standards of polite, civil behavior, proven over time without reward.

Nancy’s daughter attacked Nancy even more viciously.

Nancy had actually expected that when she finally changed her actions, her daughter would respond by changing for the better. She’d realize she had to take Nancy’s feelings into account and start acting nicer.

But bullies and narcissists always take the opposite approach. Nancy’s daughter had always gotten what she wanted by throwing temper-tantrums and bullying Nancy into submission. Now she continued even harder.

First she told Nancy she’d never see her beloved grandchildren ever again. And she’d tell the grandchildren how horrible Nancy was. If the grandchildren ever had a problem, it’d be Nancy’s fault. She’d carry that blame to her death. “What kind of mother would abandon her daughter and grandchildren? Nancy would die rejected, isolated and alone.”

Then she called everyone in the extended family to list all the crimes Nancy had committed against her. She started posting Facebook statements about Nancy’s life-long failures as a mother. She threatened that if she ever saw Nancy at an extended family gathering, Nancy wouldn’t be allowed near her grandchildren, and she’d make a public scene.

Nancy’s daughter was addicted to the pleasure, the joy of torturing Nancy.

Nancy’s pain and eventual giving in had been her daughter’s “supply.” Of course, her daughter wouldn’t let go of her drug easily; she’d fight to keep Nancy available for abuse. Nancy couldn’t understand how anyone could be that way since Nancy had willingly given her daughter everything. Clearly, her daughter was from a different planet than Nancy.

In addition, her daughter reached out lovingly to her alcoholic, bullying, narcissistic father, Nancy’s ex, whom the girl hadn’t seen since she was three years-old. Of course he supported her as long as she criticized Nancy and wouldn’t let Nancy see the grandchildren.

Nancy finally realized her daughter was just like her biological father.

Her daughter had rejected all the lessons Nancy had tried to teach. Nancy had to let go of the dream that she’d have loving relationships with her daughter and many grandchildren. The daughter’s idea of a relationship with Nancy was that of Master to Slave: Nancy would do all the work and take all the beatings.

Nancy finally had to let go of her daughter and her shattered dream.

Nancy realized the best hope her daughter had for a miracle change of heart would be when Nancy stopped begging and pleading. That old approach fed her daughter’s hate and anger, and kept her from becoming a decent person.

Nancy would always love the girl but, as long as she acted the way she did, Nancy would dislike everything the girl stood for. Nancy decided not to keep approaching and accepting more whippings. Instead, she had to make her own life wonderful, to find people who would love her tender and treat her like true family.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:

1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.

2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) always want more

Martha (fictitious name) was burned out mentally, emotionally and physically. She was highly empathetic so she knew she was giving what everyone wanted; she was caring for them better than they’d ever been. But she didn’t understand: She’d given them so much, how come they wouldn’t stop asking for more even when she told them how exhausted she was, how she didn’t have any more to give.

For takers (bullies, narcissists) too much is never enough; they always want more no matter how much you’ve given.
Takers are bottomless pits. They’re selfish and never satisfied; nothing is ever enough. They don’t care about you; your boundaries, your energy level, making easy for you to help them, what you want to do. Takers are convinced they’re entitled to whatever they want, exactly the way they want it. Takers simply want to make it easy for themselves; then they make up reasons why they should get it the easiest way – from you. Struggling is too much of a big deal for takers.

When Martha didn’t jump to their demands, they got angry and attacked her. They were relentless; negative, critical, abusive, ganging up on her. They’d die without her help; their pain would be her fault. She’d be an unloving, uncaring, selfish person if she didn’t do what they wanted. Of course, Martha had been trained to feel guilty when other people had hurt feelings.

Takers (bullies, narcissists) aren’t helped by your giving.
Martha thought she had to help her parents, her husband, her adult children, all the relatives (no matter how distant). She always thought: After she taught them how to do things, they’d start doing the things for themselves. Isn’t that the best way to help them; isn’t what love is? But her anger lingered; hadn’t she done enough yet to deserve their love?

Martha was secretly afraid if she stopped helping, they’d abandon her and she’d be all alone.
Also, if she stopped helping them all, she’d become uncaring and selfish. And they’d fail in life.

Exhaustion pushed Martha to realize she was hurting them by helping them become needy, helpless and lazy.
Martha’s Spirit finally said, “Enough! You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.” Finally, she listened to her Spirit. The best way she could help them was to let them struggle while she encouraged them from the sidelines. Of course, some would fail sometimes but the only way they had a chance to become strong was through their struggling. Once they struggled on their own, then her help might help them become independent.

There were many people she could help in reciprocal relationships. But with takers (bullies, narcissists), once she saw the pattern of continual taking, she must cut the person off, no matter the relationship or their need. She could no longer feed their addictions to laziness, helplessness and ease. She wasn’t the only source of comfort, healing or salvation in the world.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Poke the bear

Linda (fictitious name) had a problem that didn’t make sense to her. All the rules and methods she’d learned growing up didn’t help her change her adult son. Could have mother have misled her?

Her son had always bullied her; he was negative, critical, sarcastic; he was demanding, nasty and abusive. If Linda didn’t do what he wanted, he’d throw a temper-tantrum and even make a public scene. He’d tell everyone lies about ways she’d ruined his life. Then he married a woman who not only encouraged him but was ten times more horrible to Linda. They wouldn’t allow her to come to their wedding or to see her grandchildren.

Linda was empathetic.
She knew her son suffered intensely when he didn’t get what he wanted and didn’t have total control of her. She always tried to understand him; she was nice, loving and forgiving. She’d always bit her tongue and had never said what she truly thought but that didn’t stop them.

Why, “Don’t poke the bear,” does not stop bullies and narcissists.
Linda’s mother had also taught her, “Don’t say/do anything; don’t give bullies a reason to go after you. If you don’t react, if you respond with good grace, bullies and narcissists will get bored and leave you alone. If get them mad, bullies and narcissists will go after you even worse.” Of course Linda accepted those rules; how could her mother be wrong and not protect her?

All those rules and images are wrong. They assume that bullies and narcissists will leave you alone if you don’t provoke them. But bullies and narcissists don’t need provoking. They don’t hibernate. They go after you if they want something or just for the pleasure of torturing you. Then they make up reasons to excuse their despicable behavior.

A better image would be bullies and narcissists are vultures and takers.
If you don’t fight them off, they’ll keep picking at your flesh until they devour you.

Linda realized there wasn’t anything worse they could do to her.
She felt delightfully free. Her fear and guilt were gone. She’d done nothing wrong; the perpetrators were her rotten son and his wife. By doing nothing, her lying son and his wife had free rein to spin everything the way they wanted. She was losing the argument within her extended family and friends.

Linda decided to honor herself. She stood up for herself and told everyone in the family what they’d done to her and how they’d hurt her. When some people tried to minimize or excuse her son’s treatment of her, she said, “Nonsense. I did nothing wrong. They should start considering my feelings. There are no excuses for what they did. If you side with them, you’re condoning evil and I’ll treat you accordingly.” She also told her son and his wife what she thought.

Previously, the focus had always been how she’d hurt her son and on his wife’s feelings. But when she continued speaking up, she shifted the family argument and focused the blame on her son and his wife. Her feelings became the focus.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Against bullies, narcissists: Don’t whine, get a spine

Kelli’s (fictitious name) husband made himself the focus of all her attention; he was in charge. His wants matters; her needs didn’t. Any time she wasn’t standing by, ready to serve him whenever he wanted, he subjected her to a barrage of negativity and criticism until she dropped what she was doing and did what he wanted. He was bullying, abusive, narcissist.

Kelli tried everything to change him.
She’d whined, complained, nagged, yelled and threatened. But her husband said she was much too sensitive and she should lighten up. Or he said she made him feel bad because he could never satisfy her. Everything he did was her fault; if she was a better wife and more competent person, everything would be fine. So he never changed.

Kelli didn’t know what to do to change him so she complained to everyone.
She whined to husband about how much she hated being treated like a slave or Cinderella. She begged 18 year-old son to have a more loving heart and not to treat his girlfriend or younger sister that way. She complained to her parents and her husband’s parents. They said she should rise above her rebellious nature; she was shouldn’t sink so low as to bully her husband in retaliation. She grumbled to the neighbors and anyone who’d listen. They said she was exaggerating; was no one was perfect, she his wife and she had to tolerate it.

Her son was following in his father’s footsteps.
One day, Kelli allowed herself to see her son had become just like his father; a mini-me. He was bossy and demanding to her. He tortured his younger sister; he seemed to enjoy her frustration and tears. That was the last straw for Kelli.

Kelli got a spine.
She allowed herself to see the whole pattern from the first day of their marriage to a future that would last her whole life. Something in her finally rebelled and said “ENOUGH!” She’d rather break all her old rules and values about the right way to behave to everyone, no matter what they did to her, than lose her Spirit.

She touched that inner core of pain, anger and determination she’d been repressing. Now she’d be kind, empathetic, loving and caring about her own needs first. She was deserving; worth it. She’d honor and trust what she saw. Because she needed to control her own life was reason enough to act. She’d protect herself from energy vampires. Suddenly, she felt free of guilt and the responsibility to make them happy first. She felt her spine stiffen.

Kelli apply consequences, whether her husband liked it or not.
He was certain he’d win because Kelli was a much nicer person than he was and wouldn’t go as far as he would push her – to a divorce. He was sure if he was stubborn and relentless enough, Kelli would back down.

Kelli realized she’d tried everything she could think of to get his understanding, agreement and permission to act the way she wanted. Her whole married life, she been begging him to give up his power and control. She’d done the same with her son. She’d never acted on the consequences she’d threatened.

Kelli was still a caring wife and mother; which meant she’d give them what they needed, not what they wanted to make their lives easy. She no longer jumped to their commands. When her husband complained in the usual way, she simply said, “Of course you’d say that. Bullies and narcissists always say that. But it’s your fault you act like that.” And she continued doing what she’d been doing. Of course, he retaliated by increasing his negativity and criticism. She laughed at him and asked him if he needed a time-out.

To her son, she said, “Making you happy is not my priority. Showing you what happens to bullies and narcissists is the best thing I can do for you as a loving mother.” When he whined that she was ruining his life, she said, “Your choices are ruining your life. Make more loving choices and you’ll get loving in return.” When he said she was a lousy mother and he was looking forward to moving out as soon as he finished high school, she said, “I am too. Then I’ll be free of one bully. I’ll help you start packing right now.” He backed off.

The biggest effect on her husband happened when she got a job. Now, she had a perfect excuse for not serving him. She only had enough time to help her daughter. Her husband got scared enough to say he’d change. But that’s another story.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

Bullying, narcissistic husbands: Empaths can stop abuse

June was so empathetic to her bullying, narcissistic husband’s inner pain and anger; she felt sorry for him even when he abused her. She’d been taught her main job in life was to make people happy, to give them what they wanted, to love them enough they’d be healed. If she loved them enough, she could teach, rescue and save them. Also, they’d open their hearts and love her the way she wanted.

June had been taught, if she thought of herself first she’d be selfish.
How could she set boundaries with him until after he’d become the person she’d always wanted him to be, the person she knew he could become, the person who would accept her boundaries? How could she have a bully-free, abuse-free life until he agreed with her?

June’s most important job in life was not being a people-pleasing, enabling, rescuing, fixer-savior.
June had been raised to think her most important job in life was to make people happy. Caring and loving meant giving people what they wanted. She could never win an argument with her husband; he was always so convinced he was right and his way was the most righteous. She’d never stand up to him because he might be right. She was never sure of herself and she could feel how much his control and pride mattered to him.

June finally let go of the impossible task that had been assigned to her; she was not the savior of the world.

Empathy was not June’s problem; empathy was her biggest ally.
Understanding how people thought and understanding the energy flow in a room or relationship was her biggest ally. The problem she had was her early brainwashing to think that she had to respond to her understanding by making people feel better, by being responsible for other people’s happiness.

June realized she’d always been attractive to abusive bullies who wanted to use her to serve them. They had a good deal and didn’t want to stop draining her blood.

Feeling his pain and relieving it wasn’t why she was put on earth.
More important than making other people happy was making herself happy. She was worth it. He wouldn’t do anything to make her happy. Well, there were three times in their marriage when he threw her a scrap of caring but he always made her pay for it. He claimed he never knew what she wanted; anyway she was too needy and dependent; he suffered so much because he could never please her. But he never did anything to please her. The problem was him.

Trusting her own experience was more important than the old rules (beliefs) she’d been brainwashed into.
Her experience showed her the ideas, beliefs and rules beaten into her were false. Her experience was more truthful than the words or lessons hammered into her by bullies and narcissists.

Not making him happy was not punitive; making him happy or making his life easy was actually hurting him, not helping him.
She saw how pleasing other people had led her to be surrounded by needy bullies and narcissists who controlled, used and abused her. Her husband was merely the most recent. Now her children were imitating him. They were imitating what they saw, not what she told them.

She’d been manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by people who labelled her sense of Self as needy, bullying, narcissistic, abusive, uncaring, selfish, unloving, punitive. They were trying to take Her out of her. They chose those words in order to manipulate her. She began to trust herself and her own inner knowing.

The best way to increase the chances he’d change was through consequences.
Investing her life in changing him slowly, in asking him to learn no matter how long it took was only begging. Waiting to get his agreement, approval and permission was begging. That way, he had no reason to change since he was getting what he wanted. In order to move him toward change she’d have to have consequences. If he felt pained, that was his choice.

June did not become a selfish narcissist.
She remained a caring, marvelous person, giving to people who reciprocated her generosity and love. Of course, she felt awkward and guilty when she started imposing consequences on her husband and their children. But she got over those feelings and did, indeed, create a bully-free, abuse-free, wonderful life.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.

Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.

How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls) – new video

Self-Bullying can be sneakier, more relentless and more debilitating than problems caused by the unpredictable times and crashing economy. Your fear, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed can even be worse than problems caused by the toxic people in your life – the selfish, controlling, manipulative, back-stabbing, abusive, bullying, narcissistic people.

You know, your self-bullying; that little voice in your head that’s so self-judging and powerful. It’s relentlessly negative, critical, correcting and hostile in putting you down. That voice exaggerates all your faults and failure patterns; any time you succeeded it was dumb luck.

It’s especially bad for empaths, people-pleasers, fixers, enablers – people who don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings.

People who always find excuses for other people’s greed and selfishness, who put others first and themselves last, who have to give others another chance even after a thousand previous failed chances.

Life has been and is always full of risk. The future is unknown. It’s easy to give in to worry, doubt and insecurity; anxiety, stress and despair. It’s easy to lose energy and feel helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed and angry. That voice creates self-doubt and uncertainty; destroys self-confidence and self-esteem; paralyzes you. It can even cause physical symptoms.

How can you keep your solid footing; keep panic away; stay Centered, motivated, strong; keep your Spirit up; become the center of the storm; rise to the challenge? How can you gather yourself to deal with the immediate situation and the potential longer term problems?

Endless worry and analysis won’t help. Tossing and turning all night trying to predict and plan for every eventuality won’t help. Trying to answer every “What if?” question won’t help. Beating yourself down won’t help.

That Self-Bullying voice is not who you are, you weren’t born with it.

You were trained and brainwashed to bully yourself by people who wanted to control your life. Even now, bullies and narcissists stimulate your self-bullying.

In addition, now you use it to try to make yourself successful. Think how much more it will help you after it becomes a wonderful, effective coaching voice; encouraging and strengthening you?

Stop feeling and acting like a victim.

Don’t let fear, Self-Bullying and negative emotions blow you away. Don’t let your desperation and self-doubt make decisions for you. Instead, end your Self-Bullying. Get yourself unstuck. Get your energy back, recover your Spirit and drive. Feel Centered, calm and on top of things so you can move forward using all your adult skills with determination, strength and joy.

There is a light in the darkness. We will connect with your amazingly resilient and powerful Center, your Spirit, your Authentic Self. We will expand your Comfort and Calm Zone. From that Center, you will have strength and courage. You’ll develop the skill to carry out a personal plan effective in your specific situation. You can create the wonderful, joyous life you want!

Begin by watching this new video: How to stop Self-Bullying (especially for empaths, enablers and good girls)
https://youtu.be/M2qxpkRD6hg

When you want to learn how to stop bullying yourself and to start loving yourself, call me.

Of course, there are many complications depending on your situation. The best way to learn how to take power in your life and to be the person you want to be is to hire Dr. Ben for personalized coaching and counseling so you can:
1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.


Since all tactics depend on the situation, call me at 1-877-8Bullies for expert counseling and coaching by phone or Skype.