When women derail other women in the office

In her article in the Wall Street Journal, “When women derail other women in the office,” Rachel Emma Silverman comments on Peggy Klaus’ article in the New York Times, “A Sisterhood of Workplace Infighting.” Both discuss an estimate that female office bullies who commit verbal abuse, sabotage performance or hurt relationships, aim at other women more than 70% of the time.  Both discuss the psychological reasons why women hurt other women and why they don’t protect them.

Of course, women abuse, harass and sabotage other woman at work.  Sometimes they’re overt and sometimes they’re stealthy, sneaky.  Isn’t that your experience?

More important than distracting questions and considerations about how much they do it, why they do it or do they do it more or differently than men, are:

• Do you recognize the early warning signs of bullies?
• Do you know how to stop them skillfully?

Women often say that other women aren’t as overt about bullying; they’re more likely to be covert, stealth bullies.  Some of the common tactics and perpetrators are:

• Sneaky, manipulative, backstabbing.
• Forming cliques, starting rumors, mastering demeaning put-downs.
• Pretending to be friends, but bad mouthing you behind your back.
• Negative, whining, complaining “professional victims.”
• Passive-aggressive behavior.
• Nit-picking, control-freaks, just as much as men.

How about Meryl Streep and other unsavory characters in “The Devil Wears Prada?”

Some are splinters, rotten apples and cancers – at all levels in your organization.  They need removed just like men who bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same – whether they’re men or woman.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

Ignoring the problem or begging, bribery and appeasement simply reinforce low attitudes and behavior at all levels.  A major part of the problem are conflict-avoidant leaders, managers and co-workers who think that if we all talk nicely to each other or try to make bullies happy, they’ll stop bullying.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

When women and men learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, we develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  We need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies we face – men or women.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that promote productivity.

How to stop a controlling boyfriend

Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free. Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career.  She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.

When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life.  He seemed to think so also.  He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home.  He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.

But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.

When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to.  Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank.  But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance.  He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.

He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted.  Or he could always win debates with her.

Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him.  He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down.  She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him.  And she was afraid that he might even dump her.  Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.

None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans.  He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans.  They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects.  He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.

At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.”  She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.”  She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer.  Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.”  Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving.  That means right now!”

Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No.  If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying.  I’ll get a ride or a take cab home.  I won’t be long.”

Frank stormed off.  When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious.  He yelled, “I’m in charge.  If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”

Madge felt like a chastised little girl.  She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him.  I could have left with him as he wanted.  It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.”  She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.”  When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl.  Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”

At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start.  Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage.  “Wait a minute,” she thought.  “It’s my house, not his.”  At that moment her head and heart turned around.  She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was.  Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.

Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.  Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.

Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money.  He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life.  And she had allowed him to.

I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life.  That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad.  But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.

Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Workplace bullying rampant

The article, “Workplace bullying rampant Down Under,” is actually has a misleading title.  The studies cited show that not only is workplace bullying rampant Down Under, but so is school bullying, and that the phenomena are not confined to Australia, but are world wide. Some of the statistics cited are: * A recent study of Catholic education teachers revealed that 97 per cent had been bullied and up to 50 per cent of public school teachers had been bullied by co-workers.  More Catholic school teachers bullied than public school teachers – wow!  Just like the doctors I’ve talked about. * A US-based, Trends in International and Mathematics and Science Study found that more than a quarter of all students in Australia had been bullied.  Do you really think that it’s less here? * Although verbal bullying was the most common form among students, cyber bullying through emails and text messaging is also becoming a huge problem.

One writer said, “What’s the use of stopping school bullying when your sports people bully, or your politicians are bullying.  Parents don’t really have the skills to teach their children not to be bullies or not to be targets.”

First, the “use of stopping bullying” in our individual space of the world – home, family, work – is that it makes the living there so much more fun.  Don’t accept bullying in your personal environment even if the rest of the world does. Second, forget generalizations about parents.  The only thing that really matters is you and me.  No matter what the rest of the world is doing, our primary task is to protect our personal ecology.  We can stop bullying in our environment and act as models of effective action to our family, friends and coworkers.  We must teach our children to be strong, courageous, resilient and skilled enough to stop the bullying in theirs.  If you don’t have great skills now, learn better ones.

All bullies are not the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why I’ve found ways to stop most of them.

Yes, it’s good not to show that verbal bullying or cyberbullying has hurt our feelings but that’s only a small, first step.  We also have to take strong action to stop bullies or get them out of our faces.  If we don’t stop them, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.  Sometimes, fighting is the key to success.

Begin with the books “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and the10-CD set.  You will probably also need practical, pragmatic coaching and tactics designed to resolve your specific situations.

Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

In her column in the East Bay Business Times, “Legal Report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night,” Barbara Grady used my expertise in the section on handling bullies in the workplace. To read this section of the article, click here Legal report: Avoid litigation that will keep you awake at night

East Bay Business Times, Friday, October 10, 2008 - by Barbara Grady

There are more than a few things that can keep employers awake at night these days. But with a bit of advice from East Bay legal experts, you can take steps to avoid some of these problems, whether it is bullies in the workplace, mistakenly hiring a felon or dealing with employees who spread trade secrets. The five areas covered in this Legal Report focusing on avoiding litigation can be legal quagmires for employers, because laws governing them are ever-changing or have not been well established.

Handling bullies in the workplace Too bad not every child learns that bullying is unacceptable. Instead, some grow up to be bullies. In fact, adults bullying co-workers and subordinates in the workplace “is a tremendous problem,” occurring in at least half of all employment places, says Ben Leichtling of the consulting firm Leichtling and Associates, LLC in Denver and author of “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up” and other books on the workplace.

In times of economic stress – like now – belligerent behavior can surface in seemingly even-keeled individuals. So companies need to watch for tensions among employees and incidents of bullying as the nation rides through the current economic rough patch.

If they don’t, warns attorney Darci Burrell of the Oakland law firm Boxer Gerson LLP, they could be liable for workers’ compensation claims or harassment claims from victims who endured the bullying. Moreover, employers stand to lose in productivity, workplace morale and eventually profits, Leichtling said.

“It might not be illegal for employers to ignore bullying, but it is not smart,” Burrell said.

Indeed, U.S. Department of Labor studies have quantified productivity loss from bullying, while the National Institute of Occupational Health and Safety found in a survey that one-quarter of public and private workplaces have experienced bullying in the workplace.

There are no federal or state statutes forbidding bullying in the workplace, however, so how do you deal with it?

In the absence of codified law forbidding bullying, Leichtling and Burrell both recommend that employers establish in-house rules that state what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable – and then training people in those policies.

“Generally having policies in place, a good comprehensive policy in place that tells employees what kind of conduct is prohibited and tells people what to do if that policy is violated is what works. The problem is lots of companies have policies, but they don’t train their people in those policies,” Burrell said.

Leichtling in his consulting work with companies always recommends that they specify in writing what behaviors are expected and what are not accepted, and then set up a process for documenting behaviors that are in violation.

“They have to be specific, like no throwing things, so they can be observed and documented. And they have to be behaviors, not attitudes, because you can’t document attitudes. You can document James yelling and screaming on such and such a date,” Leichtling said.

“Documentation must be practiced across the board, as part of performance evaluations, so one person does not feel singled out or the target of discrimination,” Leichtling said.

Bullying can include speaking in degrading terms to a co-worker or subordinate, threatening, and even less-overt behavior like repeated gossiping about one person, Leichtling said. Once documentation occurs and builds – as it usually does because bullies repeat their behavior – the offending bully usually chooses to leave, Leichtling said, because he or she can’t stand the negative limelight. Problem solved.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

Managers who act like therapists victimize their whole team

Good managers respond to their employees’ personal problems and the distractions of their major, joyous events, like weddings and births.  But what happens when a manager tries to be the therapist for a few underperforming and troubled employees, but fails to fix them? The managers, who go overboard and become therapists, focus their attention on a few employees who are having major internal problems.  These employees usually:

• Can’t stand the stress of meeting deadlines or reasonable performance standards.
• Are so involved in their personal problems that they can’t be counted on – or they can be counted on to drop the ball.
• Blow up and attack their co-workers – overtly or by backbiting, rumor mongering or constant negativity.
• Feel entitled to special treatment because they’re suffering

These managers think they’re sensitive and caring; not bullying, slave-driving bosses.  But actually, they’re caring only about a few of the staff, while they make the rest pick up the slack and put up with being used and abused.  Essentially, these managers are playing favorites: They managers care for a few employees while they victimize and bully the majority of their staff.  They sacrifice the many for the sake of the few.

Inevitably, turnover of solid performers increases.  I’ve seen 25 % turnover per year in these situations.  Inevitably also, these become hostile workplaces as frustration and anger increase.  New employees bail as soon as they can.  Performance also suffers as morale and teamwork plummet.

If these managers listened to evaluations by the majority of their staff, they’d get an earful.

These managers aren’t rescuers; they’re meddlers.  Most are difficult to turn around because they’re addicted to their role as meddlers.  But if they’re willing to look honestly at the mess they create, coaching and consulting can reverse the problems.  They can eliminate the high cost of their addictive meddling and the low attitudes of a few people on their staff.

I see therapist managers imost often n government offices, non-profits and public service organizations.

I see therapist managers most often in government offices, non-profits and public service organizations.

Have you seen any managers like these?

Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all boss

Iris’s manager knows everything.  He bullies Iris and her co-workers by being right and righteous; he’s sarcastic and demeaning.  He destroys teamwork by his constant criticism.  There’s never a word of praise, only correction and put-downs delivered in a haughty voice.  Every sentence starts with an unspoken, “Well, stupid, you should know …” or an exasperated, “I’m so frustrated; you’re so incompetent.” He acts superior while he runs down each employee to the other managers or bigger bosses.  He lists their faults and every mistake they’ve ever made.  There’s never a word of praise for their many accomplishments.  He seems to enjoy making each critical, hostile remark.  He says that it’s for their own good; it’ll help them become perfect.

Iris feels chastised, like she’s a child being corrected by a harsh parent.  She’s worked at the company for 15 years; her boss for 5.

What do you think should she do about his bullying?

Iris’s manager’s style of leadership is like the statement attributed to Captain Bligh of the Bounty, “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”  His verbal abuse creates a hostile workplace and it destroys her confidence and self-esteem.  She wonders if there’s a kernel of truth in what he says.  She’s also afraid of protest because he is her boss and she should respect his position, confrontation is distasteful and she might lose her job.

Iris is in a tough spot.  Her boss is a well-known type.  First, he’s a know-it-all who enjoys putting down people.  Second, he’s also the town gossip, dishing the dirt on everybody.  Bullies like him rarely change because of pressure from below.  After all, he does know best.

Doesn’t he sound like some parents we all know who think that the best way to help their children is to pound them relentlessly and embarrass them in public?  Deep down, these merciless parents do feel self-satisfied and righteous. Know-it-all bullies and town-gossips sometimes change when there’s strong, consistent pressure from above.  The pressure must be coupled with, “Change or you’re gone.”  But Iris’s manager has made himself seem indispensible to the bigger bosses, so Iris will have some difficult choices:

• Be as straightforward as she can with the bigger boss, knowing that her manager will find out and try to get her fired.
• Go to the bigger boss with most of the team, in hopes that the weight of numbers will sway the bigger boss.
• Find a bigger boss that she thinks will act wisely and keep her from getting terminated.
• Transfer to another department or look for another job – which is hard since Iris’s been there 15 years.
• Take it as best she can until she retires.

Iris should realize that her manager will take whatever she does as mutiny and will try to strike back.  I’ve rarely seen know-it-alls and town-gossips change.  Iris’s in a tough fight.

Coaching and the book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” helped Iris see her boss as a bully.  She realized how skilled she was at work and that she could get other jobs.  She refused to waste 8 hours a day for the rest of her life in workplace-hell.  Her determination and courage soared.

She used the five-step process and decided to go to the big boss.  But the big boss only gave Iris a lecture on how valuable Iris’s manager was.  The big boss wouldn’t even let Iris make her case.

Two bullying bosses were two too many for Iris.  She resigned.  She was surprised when she rapidly received a number of better job offers.

Iris said that the big inspiration for her came when she had a name for what was happening – “bullying.”  That freed her from her self-imposed restraints.  She said that she felt the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders.  She now feels free and alive like she hasn’t for years.

I think that self-esteem begins with actions.  Strategic action (whether it works out the way we hope or not) increases confidence and self-esteem.  Iris got herself out of a situation that she couldn't change.

She was successful.  Notice I say that without any knowledge of the future – whether her new job will be better in the long run.  Success is measured by the right actions you take, not by how wonderful it works out each time.  In the long run, as you keep taking the right actions every day, you'll get more of the results you want.  And your personal and work space will have fewer bullies to bother you or waste your time.

How to correct your children and say "No" to them

Recently, I’ve seen articles and heard parents saying that since words can hurt, we shouldn’t deny our children what they want or ever say, "No" to them.  They think that if we deny them or say "No", we’ll damage their confidence and self esteem.  But if we give them continual praise and approval, we’ll help them develop high self-esteem and a willingness to take risks.  Some studies are even quoted about the harmful effects of the words parents use. I disagree with that advice and parenting style.

Of course words matter; and even more important is how they’re delivered – frequency, voice tone, body language and with beating or caressing.

Of course, unrelenting yelling, insults, criticism, humiliation, shame, guilt, dismissing, ridicule and rejection are harmful.  Personal insults hurt little children.  Hostility and personal attacks tell children that they are bad people for wanting what they want or for doing something wrong or for not doing something right.  It’s easy for children to think their identity is damaged, defective or blemished in ways that cannot be rectified.

A few days ago, I saw a chilling video made at a car wash.  A mother was holding the arm of an approximately 3-4-year-old child while torturing her with the power washing hose.  The child was screaming in pain and writhing to break free.  The mother was screaming that the child had better respect her.  Of course, we don’t need research to tell us that’s lousy parenting and abuse.

Such unrelenting viciousness isn’t confined to parents; it’s also dished out at work.  It’s as if some people really believe the motto attributed to Captain Bligh of the “Bounty:” The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

Don’t live a life fueled by such anger and viciousness.  Weigh your life heavily toward approval, encouragement and praise.  After all, children naturally want to learn, explore and imitate their loving parents.  Maintain control of yourself during moments when your frustration might break out into emotional abuse and intimidation, or verbal and physical violence.

Create a background of loving physical and verbal caresses for all your interactions with your children.  Against that background, it’s critically important that you correct, deny and say "No" sometimes.  Don’t give children everything they want.  Set age-appropriate limits on their behavior.  Teach them how to get along socially.

Most important: Teach them that they can be denied and be told "No", and the world doesn’t end.  Their lives go on just fine without getting everything.  Maybe they’ll get what they want another day.  Or maybe, they’ll have to grow up and earn the money to get what they want for themselves.  Or maybe, as they grow older, they’ll become more aware of the consequences of what they want and they’ll learn to not want it.  That’s called self-discipline, character and integrity.

If you never say "No", you end up with spoiled, selfish children like Veruka Salt from “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

Teach them to be resilient so a "No" doesn’t crush their spirits.  Then, denial doesn’t stop them from ever wanting or asking again and a "No" isn’t emotional abuse and doesn’t cause emotional damage.

Teach your children what’s safe and unsafe, what’s right and wrong, what’s worthy and not good enough, what’s honorable and dishonorable.  Without your guidance, TV will teach them.

Some people still have scars because of what their parents said and did repeatedly.  And, of course, some have more and deeper scars.  But let’s be clear.  All of us ultimately have the same task: to get over our childhoods and create better lives for ourselves and our children.  Whether the scars were caused by parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, teachers, school bullies or rotten strangers, the task is the same. How can we do that?  I always look to the people who had it worst: The ones who survived genocidal wars, prison camps, slavery.  How do they look at themselves and the world that they can still laugh and sing and dance and love?  And it’s our job to become like them also.

In addition, we can now resist the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual attacks by spouses, co-workers and bosses.  We can now resist putdowns and bullies; we can now reject their opinions or fight back. We must now train our own memories and fears: The future does not have to be as bad as the past was.  Otherwise we become adult victims to what they did to us when we were children.

Don’t let those ruin the rest of your life.  Grow up.  They might have been in charge of the past, but you’re in charge of the future.

History is not destiny.

"Mr. Negativity" proudly destroys teamwork

Carl loved the title of “Mr. Negative.”  He was proud of being smarter than anyone else and thought his put-downs were funny.  No matter what you said, he would disagree, counter it or top it.  His personal attacks, sarcasm and cutting remarks could bring most people to tears.  He could create a tense, hostile workplace in minutes. He could bring a brainstorming or planning meeting to a halt by finding fault with every suggestion or plan, and proving that nothing would work.  He was convinced that his predictions were accurate and more valuable to the team than the frustration and anger he created.  On his team, sick-leave and turnover were high, while morale, camaraderie and teamwork were low.  Productivity was also low because most people wasted a huge percent of their time talking about Carl’s latest exploits.

What can you do?

In this case, his manager had heard me present “How to Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes” at a conference, and had brought me in as a consultant.  She wanted me to help her create a culture that would be professional, retain high quality staff and be much more productive.

Why did his manager, Jane, bring me in, instead of simply evaluating Carl honestly and having consequences leading to demotion and eventual termination if he didn’t change?  Jane thought that:

• Carl was bright and expert enough in his specialty that she was afraid of losing him.
• If she was a good enough manager and learned to say the magic words, Carl would straighten out.
• Her hands were tied because Carl was a long-term employee in a government organization.

Coaching helped Jane see that she was victimizing the rest of the team by giving in to her fears and helplessness.  Carl was verbally abusive and emotionally intimidating.  And he was subtly manipulative because he had a soft voice and a smile on his face while he sarcastically cut his co-workers to ribbons.  She saw that if she continued to give in to her fear of losing Carl, she’d lose her reputation and position because her team would mutiny or quit.

Despite these insights, Jane remained a conflict-avoidant manager.  She would allow the team to act, but she wouldn’t lead the way.  Therefore we worked around her.

I helped the team create a set of behavioral expectations for individual professional interactions and for team meetings.  It was no surprise that the list did not included any of Carl’s behaviors, that his behaviors were specifically prohibited and that the list of appropriate behaviors contained the opposite ones Carl had been bullying coworkers with.

The rest of the team voted to accept the code of professional behavior.  Carl said he’d sign but he wouldn’t change his behavior.  He’d been Mr. Negativity as long as he could remember and didn’t think he could change.

That seemed like an impasse.  No one wanted to waste a lifetime waiting for Carl to go through therapy, especially since he didn’t want to change anyway.  I helped the team realize that Carl had no reason to change.  There were no adverse consequences to him if he kept doing what he was doing.  The team needed some leverage.

Since the manager wouldn’t act on her own, the rest of the team took a bold step.  They told Carl that they wouldn’t tolerate his hostility and the tension it caused.  They said that they’d remove him immediately from any meeting in which he started his negative putdowns.  He laughed nervously, thinking they’d never really do that.  He still wouldn’t accept that his behavior was so hurtful and despised.

At the next meeting, of course, Carl was negative as usual.  He was shocked when the rest of the team immediately stood up and told him to leave.  He sheepishly did, with a parting shot that they’d never come up with a good plan without him.

He was wrong.  They did develop a good plan to deal with the problem they’d been working on. They also gave him his assignment within it.  They told him that people who weren’t at meetings must be happy with the tasks assigned to them.  Carl was outraged and protested.  He looked for support from anyone on the team, but everyone was against him.  That also stunned him.  They told him that they were following the team’s behavior code.  He could play according to the rules and take what he got or leave.  They also told him that he could be very likeable when he wanted to and they’d be glad to be on a team with the “likeable Carl.”

It took two more meetings at which Carl was asked to leave, before he began to change.  It was amazing to all of them, including Carl, that what he thought was a life-long pattern, changed when enough leverage was applied.  He really did like what he did and he also had wanted to be liked.

This example is over the top in many ways.  But I have a question for you: Did the rest of the team bully Carl or were they right in voting him off their island when he was an abusive bully?

One general lesson here is: “When the legitimate authority won’t act and, therefore, leaves a power vacuum, the most hostile and power-hungry people usually fill it.  Your task is to fill it with the best behavior instead.”

There are many other ways to solve the problems that the Carl’s of the world cause at work and at home.  A stronger manager would have done it by herself.  Jane obviously had problems as a manager and wouldn't step outside her comfort zone to solve them.  Her boss soon took appropriate action.

It’s also a different matter if the negative person is the manager or boss.  There are many other problem behaviors that can be resolved with the Behavioral Code approach.  In other blog posts I’ll cover those bullying situations at work.

Please tell me your story so I can be sure to respond to it.

Teach children and teens to be resilient; don’t be defeated by disappointment, hostility, abuse, trauma or bullies.

Are your children and teens resilient?  Do they bounce back after they’ve been disappointed or faced hostility, bullies, abuse or trauma?  Are you resilient?  Do you know how to resist a hostile, abusive, controlling or bullying husband or wife?  Can you resist your self-bullying tendencies?  How about abusive, controlling or bullying friends, relatives or neighbors?  How about at work; hostile, abusive, bullying bosses, managers or co-workers?  Do you bounce back from getting passed over, terminated or fired from a hostile workplace?  You know – lies, yelling, cursing, back-stabbing, verbal abuse, demeaning insults, harassment, false complaints or accusations. According to a Newsweek article written by Mary Carmichael (The Resiliency Gene: A genetic variant may protect some abused kids from depression and other long-term effects) the National Institute of Mental Health is funding studies to find the genes associated with resiliency to hostility, abuse and trauma.  As a former practicing biochemist, I can say that, of course, we’ll find genes associated with almost every pattern of behavior.

But, I think it’s a dead end if we focus merely on the genetic expressions of what’s going on.

Why do I think it’s a dead end?  Because you end up thinking that either you have the right stuff or you don’t.  That belief won’t help your children develop strength of character or as much resilience as they can.  For example, contrast the behavior of the teen in cyber-bullying suicide case with the teen who was acquitted of punching a racist tormentor . . Worrying about the resiliency gene won’t help you be courageous either.  You’ll remain a victim; hoping the system can be made 100 percent safe and fair.  You’re better off thinking that you can develop the right stuff to protect yourself, to create a bully-free environment.  That approach to make the world totally and completely safe is being tried right now in our schools .

Resiliency is something that we’ve seen and studied throughout history.  For example, in their elegant studies of about 700 famous men and women (“Cradles of Eminence,” 1962), Victor and Mildred Goertzel, called the eminent survivors of childhood abuse and trauma, “The Invulnerables.”  Our history is full of men and women who failed and then bounced back, struggled and succeeded.

In my coaching of adults (including parents wanting to know how to help their children), I encourage them to focus on the “free will” aspects of their lives.  You have much more control over what you create in life right now, than you do over your genetics.  No matter what life throws at us, whether we’re subjected to natural disasters, large scale human destruction or individual family brutality and trauma, we all must struggle to rise above those events in order to create as great a life as we can.  We can take charge of our efforts  even though we can’t control the results.

Inspire your children by them to look back at their inheritance.  Think of what their ancestors must have lived through.  No matter what their ancestry, they come from an unbroken line of men and women who survived drought, flood, plague, famine, disease, war, uprooting, slavery, rape and every other form of disappointment, hostility, control, abuse, brutality and trauma known.  Everyone one of their ancestors survived long enough to make a baby who grew up to make a baby who grew up to make a baby … until they were born.  If one of their ancestors hadn’t grown up to do his or her part, they wouldn’t be here.  They have a legacy of survivors.

Also think of their mental and spiritual inheritance.  There must have been people who took in some of their ancestors and nurtured, encouraged and stimulated them; even though they weren’t blood relatives.  Despite all the abuse and trauma, here they are.  They have the legacy of survivors.  Stop worrying about their genes and start training them to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong.  Start helping them develop the discipline that’s worthy of all the struggle and effort that went into getting them here.

I remember the stories of what my grandparents went through in order to get here.  They didn’t have credit cards, cell phones, health insurance or own their homes.  How can I let them down by not living as gloriously as I can?  How can I let them down by not encouraging my children to do the same – no matter what their genetics has given them?