Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?

One of the questions I’m most often asked is, “Why Do Bullies Keep Abusing Us?” I hear that from:

• Kids who want to stop bullies and cvber bullies at school.
• Adults who want to stop bullying in their love lives or in relationships with their siblings, parents and friends.
• Adults who don’t understand why their teenagers are so demanding, nasty and surly.
• Adults who want to stop bullying at work by managers and co-workers.

That question is usually asked in the context of, “I’m a nice person; I don’t deserve to be treated that way.  Why is that person so nasty to me?”

The apparent perplexity behind the question comes from the idea that we’re supposed to get what we put out, not only in interactions with those we love, who also love us, but also in interactions with everyone in the world.  As if, if we’re nice we’re supposed to be treated nicely in return.  These people forget that bullies have different agendas and methods.

The hidden fears behind the question are:

1. “Maybe I have done something to deserve being harassed and abused; maybe it really is my fault.”  Of course, people thinking this way are usually riddled by self-doubt and negative self-talk.  Their hidden hope is, “If I knew what I’d done wrong, I could apologize, do what the bully wants, and then they’d treat me nicely.”  Their hidden anger comes from deep knowledge, “I didn’t do anything wrong; how dare that bully treat me that way!”
2. “If the world is so unfair, it’s out of my control.”  Of course, people thinking this way are afraid that they’re not strong enough to thrive in a world that’s dangerous, unpredictable and uncontrollable.  Their hidden hope is that they could control the world if only they learned the magic secrets.  Their hidden anger comes from the sense that, “I didn’t ask for this kind of world; I’m entitled to something better and more rational.”

Before I answer “Why do bullies keep abusing us,” let’s understand what bullying is about in a way that helps us stop bullies in their tracks.  Distinguish between two questions:

1. Why do children try bullying tactics?
2. Why do they keep bullying as they grow up?

The way I look at it, babies and children naturally take or demand what they want; they naturally try bullying tactics.  That’s necessary for their survival – babies must make us feed and change them whether we want to or not.  Children’s survival-level job is to figure out how to get us to give them what they want.

Impulses to bully come up all the time, in all of us.  It feels good to be a strong and powerful and simply take what we want.  Unless kids are taught how to feel good or how to get what they want by other methods, they’ll continue bullying.

Parents train children how to get what they want; which means how to bully, manipulate, harass or abuse people, or how to negotiate with us to give them what they want.  We train them to keep using bullying tactics or to try other methods.

There are three general reasons why children grow up and continue using bullying techniques.

1. Bullying is what they see – they see one or both parents bullying successfully or it’s the only tactic they know.  Their parents and family don’t teach them not to bully and also don’t teach them better ways to get what they want.
2. They keep bullying because bullying succeeds – well-meaning parents, principals and teachers don’t say “No” and they don’t stop the bullying.  Sometimes, we may let bullies succeed while we’re negotiating with them or because we’re too tired and worn down to be strong.  You’ve seen parents teach children to get cookies, candy or toys by yelling loud enough, throwing hysterical fits or simply taking it from a younger or smaller kid.
3. There’s a small group of sociopaths and psychopaths who won’t be teachable in any reasonable length of time, if ever.

Many people say that “Children become bullies because they have low self-esteem.  To make themselves feel better, they bully people who are weaker.”  This is usually followed by the hope that, “If I understand why bullies bully, I’ll be able to teach bullies why bullying is wrong, and then they’ll stop bullying.”  These people typically allow bullies to continue abusing their targets, while they educate, beg, bribe, appease or therapeutize bullies.

Instead, take the focus away from psychotherapy of bullies and focus on stopping bullying first.  Teach your kids to protect themselves from kids who haven’t learned impulse control or to use other means to navigate in the world.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time; let’s protect target children and adults right now. Educating bullies begins with stopping them.  Their main motivation for learning new tactics is when the old methods no longer succeed.

So why do bullies keep abusing us: Because they’re not stopped by the responsible adults.  Also, the responsible adults don’t train the targets and bystanders how to stop the bullies.  In addition, principals, teachers and parents often punish the targets for taking matters into their own hands, tongues or fists.

The secret to stopping bullies is to stop them.  Be as firm as you need – bullies will show you what you must do to stop them.

Stop School Bullies: The Number One Risk Factor is Well-Meaning Parents

Current statistics show that bullying is prevalent – over 50% of kids report being bullied or observing bullying.  Bullying by girls is just as prevalent as by boys (although they often use different tactics) and bullying in “good” neighborhoods is just as prevalent as in “bad” ones. Most parents want to understand why bullies bully, “Is it because bullies have low esteem, or they lust for power or that’s the only way they know how to get control and admiration?”  Those parents usually tell their children never to use violence to stop bullies.  “Violence never solved anything.  Don’t stoop to the bullies’ level.”

Those parents hope that understanding bullies will help them create programs that will rehabilitate bullies.  Then their kids will be safe when they’re away from home or when they’re online.

Parents who say those things are the number one risk factor in making their children targets of repeated bullying.

Their strategy is based on the false idea that if children love and forgive bullies enough, they’ll melt bullies’ hearts and bullies will stop bullying and become their friends.  That strategy rarely stops bullies.

Real bullies won’t stop harassing or abusing our children because they’re nice to them.  Ask the peace-loving people of every country run over by colonization or empire building.  Ask women who have tried to stop harassment, bullying and abuse at work.

Bullying patterns or coping strategies are usually life-long.  Unless they’re stopped, bullying children usually grow up to become bullying adults.  They’re bullies in their love lives, they’re parents who bully their children, they’re bullying soccer-parents and they’re bullies at work.

Similarly, bullied kids grow up with low self-esteem and low confidence; they expect to be beaten down – mentally, emotionally and physically – to be taken advantage of, to lose.  They become repeat victims.

The number one risk factor in our children’s becoming targets of repeated bullying is not bullies or schools – the number one risk factor is us, the parents of the targets.  Bullies have always existed and will always exist, most schools never protected kids and many still won’t.

Take your focus away from psychotherapy of bullies.  Focus instead on stopping bullying right now.  After you stop the bullying, then you can spend all the time you want rehabilitating individual bullies.  As you well know, rehabilitating bullies can take a long time.  I want to protect target children right now.

In order to protect our children, we, as parents, must change our mindsets and then we must learn skills.  We must develop a real-world mindset – that the only way to stop real bullies is to stop them.

In the real world, bullies are predators, like hyenas, looking for the weak and isolated people who don’t know how to protect themselves.  Real bullies have a language all their own – they take our children’s kindness, reasonableness or holding back as weakness and a sign of easy prey. Our kids’ weakness brings out the worst in bullies.

A real-world perspective is that it’s more important to stop bullies first; that counseling, therapy and rehabilitation efforts come second.  In fact, stopping bullying behavior and having stiff consequences for kids who bully repeatedly is one of the best steps in changing their behavior.

We must teach our children to protect themselves from bullies who haven’t learned impulse control or to use non-violent means to navigate in the world.  A few real-world steps are:

1. Of course, try ignoring the bully or try peaceful and kindly understanding tactics, but don’t stop there.
2. Learn to fight back verbally.
3. Have friends who’ll stand with you and come back at the bully.
4. Learn to fight back physically – especially boys, but also girls.
5. Learn when and how to get school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators involved.

A few real-world tips for parents are:

1. Let our children know we’ll protect them.  If they’re being bullied, it’s not their fault – they just haven’t learned how to protect themselves.  Keep their courage, hope and fighting spirit alive.
2. Learn how to force your school principals, counselors, teachers, staff and administrators to protect your kids.  Organize a small core group of parents to help the principal create and implement an effective stop-bullying program.  Be pro-active.  Don’t wait for a bullied kid to commit suicide, get that program going right now!

Appeasement Won't Stop Real-World Bullies

Some people believe fervently, passionately and whole-heartedly that if you love bullies, if you give them what they want, if you’re kind enough, then you’ll melt their hearts, they’ll come to their senses and they’ll stop bullying.  Sometimes, rarely, that does work. But the wisdom of both history and the world’s great literature tells you that you’ll usually get hurt if you put your head in a dragon’s mouth.  By definition, if bullies stop harassing or abusing you because you appease them or if their hearts melt because you love them enough, they’re not real bullies.

And I just read another fabulous example.

The “Shahnameh – The Persian Book of Kings,” by Abolqasem Ferdowsi, written between 980 and 1010 AD, is part of the universal and ancient wisdom tradition that contains a more accurate view of human nature, character and interactions than is found in the wishful thinking of most modern parenting, self-help and psychotherapy literature.

Here’s the story.  Good King Feraydun is old and divides his kingdom between his three sons.  He gives the oldest the eastern part, the middle son the western part and to the youngest, the best and most able, he gives the central part, including Persia.  Soon, the older two become jealous and angry.  They band together and raise a great army to defeat the youngest son and strip him of his kingdom.  Ah, we’ve heard that theme before.  Remember Charlemagne and also “King Lear,” to name just two.

The worthy and noble youngest son, Iraj, says that his brothers and peace are more important to him than his kingdom and the bloodshed that a war will cause.  He says that he will travel to them unarmed and will give them his kingdom.  “I’ll speak to them in kindness; this will be better than angry words and enmity.”

Feraydun replies, “My wise son, your brothers look for war, while you look for reconciliation.  I am reminded of the saying that one should not be surprised that the moon radiates moonlight: your answer is noble and your heart is filled with love.  But what will happen to a man who knowingly places his head in the dragon’s maw?  Surely poison will destroy him, since this is the dragon’s nature?”

You can imagine the rest of the story.  Iraj is welcomed with open arms and sweet words by his brothers.  He is wined and dined.  Later that night, his brothers “washed all shame from their eyes,” sneaked into his tent, split him from head to foot with daggers and cut off his head.

There it is again: The wisdom of the ages.  Beware of real-world danger.  Take adequate precautions.  Appeasement won’t stop real-world bullies.

People who cling to the Secret, to formulas for affirmations and to laws of the universe that tell them that the love and kindness they put out will always be returned with love and kindness are indulging in childish, magical thinking.  Not everyone you befriend will return the compliment.  In fact, some people will take your open hand as an invitation to feast on whatever you have.  Real dragons will act like dragons naturally do.

There are many other examples in the world’s literature – think of all the saints (of every faith) who were martyred, sometimes by dissidents even within their faith.  If you insist on peaceful means as the only means you will try, if you insist on putting your head in the dragon’s maw, then be prepared to be poisoned 99 times out of a hundred.

On the other hard, if you want to keep your children safe when they’re away from home, if you want to keep them safe from cyber bullying, then get coaching, consulting and real-world books so you can prepare them to face real-world bullies with skill and effective strategy.  You may want formulas and rules, but you’ll learn more from case studies and examples that you can adjust to your specific situation.  Their self-esteem and self-confidence depend on your helping them be successful.

The Golden Rule Doesn't Stop Real-World Bullies

In his article in the Costco Connections, “Stop Hassling Me: Breaking the Cycle of Bullying,” Steve Fisher quotes Psychologist Izzy Kalman as saying:

• “School anti-bullying programs don’t work.”
• “I hate referring to kids as bullies.”
• “Be nice to kids when they’re mean to you and before long they will stop being mean.  This is known as the Golden Rule and is the solution to bullying.”
• “Don’t tell on kids who upset you.”
• “Don’t get angry at kids who upset you.  Make it clear that they can insult you all they want and it doesn’t bother you.  After a few days they will stop.”
• “If kids bring you nasty rumors, don’t defend yourself.”
• “If a kid hits you and you’re not hurt, act like nothing happened.  If they keep hitting or pushing you, ask them calmly, ‘Are you mad at me?’  If they aren’t, they’ll stop hitting you.  If they are angry, they’ll tell you why.  You can discuss the matter, apologize if appropriate and they will also stop hitting you.”

Dr. Kalman doesn’t work with the targets of real-world school bullies.  His advice is great for the targets of nice kids who are bullying one time because they’re having a bad day.

But real-world school bullies will be delighted by kids making Dr. Kalman’s responses.  Real-world bullies are relentless predators who look for weak and isolated prey.  You can’t stop real-world bullies by being nice, understanding, kind and rational, or with the Golden Rule.  Real-world bullies take your use of the Golden Rule as a sign of weakness and an invitation to bully you more.  Real bullies don’t have the empathy to stop abusing you because your feelings are hurt or because you’re a caring little saint.

Also, many school stop-bullying programs are effective when they’re based on real-world solutions, backed by strong principals, teachers and parents.  And labeling bullies and bullying as “bullies” and “bullying” is a necessary component of successful programs.

How do I know this; check your own experience.  Ask yourself about the kids you saw who were nice, but had one grumpy day versus the kids you saw who were relentless bullies.  What stopped the relentless bullies?

My personal and professional experience and the experience of almost everyone who comments on articles and blogs is the same: The only way to stop bullies is to stop them.  That may mean that the school authorities recognize them and stop them or get rid of them.  Or that may mean that you get more and more firm until they quit.  This may mean, eventually beating them up.  Relentless bullies will show you how far you have to go in order to stop them.

After bullies are stopped or removed, then you can work on their therapy and rehabilitation.  But I wouldn’t want my kids to be victimized while we wait for the bullies to become nice citizens.

Although Dr. Kalman’s suggestions are directed at bullies in school, how many of you have seen his suggestions as successful in stopping the real bullies at work?  Again, all the lawsuits and comments about workplace bullies show that real bullies are relentless and don’t stop when you’re nice, kind, understanding and reasonable.

The other expert in the article, Barbara Coloroso, author of “The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander,” on the other hand, has much right, but she also makes a common mistake when she advises, “Don’t tell your child to fight back.”

Sometimes, fighting back is the only language a bully understands.  And your suspension from school is worth stopping a bully.  The same applies at work, where fighting back usually means a law suit backed by great documentation.

Whose Fault was the Columbine High School Massacre?

Whose fault was the killings at Columbine High School?  And how can we help our children resist bullies, not become bullies themselves and thrive after horrible killings? Next week will be the tenth anniversary of the massacre at Columbine High School.  A recent book by Peter Langman, "Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters," analyzes the killers in this and other shootings.  Already the media is gearing up for an analytic retrospective.  There will be an orgy of hand-wringing and finger-pointing.

Seven of the most common targets of blame are:

1. It was the bullies’ fault.  Had they not pushed Harris and Klebolt over the edge, the boys would have remained good citizens.
2. It was the fault of the parents of the bullies.  They didn’t stop their children from abusing Harris and Klebolt.
3. It was the school’s fault.  Had the principal stopped the bullying of Harris and Klebolt, they would not have turned into killers.
4. It was the fault of the parents of the killers.  Had they raised their kids better, they wouldn’t have become killers.  Had they seen what their children had become, they would have had them incarcerated or committed.
5. It was the fault of Harris and Klebolt.  They were psychopathic, psychotic killers who twisted and resisted every attempt to help or to stop them.
6. It was the fault of a society that is violent and corrupt.  Had the teenagers’ minds not been filled with violent images, they would have been peaceful.
7. It was the fault of a society that has lost its connection with God.  If our society was more God-fearing, the boys would have grown up with good morals and not have turned into killers.

Typically, we approach problems with the scientific method: determine what went wrong, fix the bad part and the system will run effectively.  That method works well on purely physical material – billiard balls, cars, sending spaceships to the moon – but it is totally misleading when applied to the living world, especially to humans.  I’m not the first to say this.  Blaise Pascal said it 400 years ago.  He was right.

Looking to blame and then fix one part of human life is the wrong way to go.  It leads us to think that we can isolate one or a few causes and fix them.  It leads us to think we can easily fix the school system or our society and then there will be no abuse or crazy killers and no massacres.

Of course, we don’t want kids to bully other kids.  And we need laws to force principals to stop bullying at their schools and also to protect good principals from suits brought against them by parents wanting to protect their bullying children.  And we want to recognize and rehabilitate kids with criminal tendencies sooner.  And we want a society that is more clear and consistent about not massacring other citizens.   And we want a society with more ethical and moral citizens.

Our efforts to change our school and legal system are necessary, useful and laudable, but they are not a solution that will prevent future massacres.

Face reality.  Bullies, psychopaths and killers are like the weather – they’ve always been with us and always will be.  We can’t change the weather any more than we can completely prevent massacres and tragedies.  Assigning blame won’t change that.  The way we deal with the inevitable changes in the weather or the next blizzard that will hit Denver in April or May is to prepare ourselves so we’re not caught off guard or helpless.

The useful question for us is how we prepare our children and teenagers for a world in which they will face crazy, violent people.  One of our tasks is to teach our children not to use bullying tactics to make themselves feel good or to get what they want.  Another task is to teach them to be resilient in the face of bullying and how to stop bullies in their tracks.  Obviously, Harris and Klebolt never learned this.

The hardest task for parents is to recognize when our children have gone bad and to do something about it.  It would be asking a lot to expect parents to say, “My kid is crazy and might go on a killing spree.  Please lock him up.”  It would also be asking a lot for school administrators to say the same.  Yet that is exactly what we want to ask of Harris and Klebolt’s parents.  And also what we must ask of ourselves.

Answering these difficult questions will help us teach our children better than hand wringing or assigning blame.

How to stop a controlling boyfriend

Sometimes, even experienced people don’t recognize control-freaks until they’re in a relationship so far that they have to fight fiercely to get free. Madge was divorced, without children and had established a good career.  She’d purchased a house she loved and had a wide circle of professional and personal friends who admired and respected her intelligence, competence, good sense and friendship.

When she met Frank, also middle-aged, she thought she’d found the missing piece she wanted in her life.  He seemed to think so also.  He quickly gave her a friendship ring and moved into her home.  He knew what he wanted, had lots of plans for his success and seemed to know the right people in town.

But, after a few months, Madge began to recognize the controlling side of Frank.

When they were courting, Frank had given his reasons for wanting to go to the places and meet the people he wanted to.  Madge usually agreed and it seemed like no big deal to acquiesce since she wasn’t as determined as Frank.  But after he moved in, she began to realize that they always did what he wanted and he got very angry if she put up more than a token resistance.  He stopped giving reasons and merely gave orders.

He began to re-organize her home the way he liked and simply ignored what she wanted.  Or he could always win debates with her.

Frank never hit her, but she began to realize that she was afraid of disagreeing with him.  He got so angry and he was so sure he was right that he wouldn’t back down.  She slowly accepted his claim that she wouldn’t be invited out without him.  And she was afraid that he might even dump her.  Then she’d look like what he told her she was; past her prime and on the down side.

None of his work projects seemed to pay off, but he always had new and bigger plans.  He kept pointing out that her friends were jealous of his ideas and plans.  They didn’t appreciate his talents and potential, and they sabotaged his projects.  He said, “We won’t with your old friends any more, but with your contacts, I can cultivate important people who appreciate me.

At a party one night, Madge was having a wonderful time when he suddenly came to her and said, “We’re leaving now.”  She asked if anything had happened and he replied, “No. I’m just bored so we’re leaving.”  She said, “I’m having a great time so if nobody got you angry, I’d like to stay a little longer.  Surely you can find someone interesting to talk with for a while.”  Frank spat back, “I said we’re leaving.  That means right now!”

Madge now says that she still doesn’t know what shifted in her, but she said, as sweetly as she could, “No.  If you want to leave, you can take the car, but I’m staying.  I’ll get a ride or a take cab home.  I won’t be long.”

Frank stormed off.  When she arrived home a few hours later, he was furious.  He yelled, “I’m in charge.  If you don’t do what I want, you can get out of my house.”

Madge felt like a chastised little girl.  She thought, “I wasn’t considerate of him.  I could have left with him as he wanted.  It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, even though I was having a wonderful time.”  She begged him to forgive her; “I won’t argue with you any more.”  When she said that, Frank finally smiled and said, “That’s my girl.  Don’t talk back any more and I won’t have to punish you.”

At 2 a.m. Madge woke up with a start.  Her fists were clenched and she was shaking with rage.  “Wait a minute,” she thought.  “It’s my house, not his.”  At that moment her head and heart turned around.  She saw Frank clearly for the bully he was.  Even though he hadn’t hit her, he was a sneaky controlling, stealth bully.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” the story of a wife stopping a controlling husband, bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.

Here are seven of the early warning signs of a stealth bully:

1. They make the rules; they control everything – what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it’s spent on.
2. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don’t do exactly what they want.
3. Their standards rule – your “no” isn’t accepted as “no;” they’re always right and you’re always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they’re not abusing you, you’re merely too sensitive.  Your issues generally don’t get dealt with – theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes.
4. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, demeaning putdowns, blame and guilt – no matter what you do; you’re wrong or not good enough.  Or they control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.
5. You’re afraid you’ll trigger a violent rage – you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with words and weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things.  You’re told that you’re to blame if they’re angry.  You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained.
6. You’re told you’re incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them.
7. They isolate you – they won’t allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work.

Madge could now see that Frank was merely a domineering fast talker, who brought in no money.  He had been sponging off her all the time he had taken control of her life.  And she had allowed him to.

I won’t detail the difficulties Madge had in getting Frank out of her house and life.  That’s when she discovered that he’d done this before to many other women and knew how to intimidate her and make her look bad.  But she got courageous and strong, and she got free.

Controlling boyfriends, husbands, teenagers, parents, bosses, co-workers and friends use the same methods.  That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Of course, individual coaching will help you design tactics that fit your specific situation.

Teacher manipulated by ‘professional victim’, a stealth bully

This post is based on the following comment: WOW!!!  I was amazed to find your post, "How do you know if someone is your friend?" right when I needed it most.  I now know what category my daughter's best friend falls under.  My daughter has gone through MOST of the examples that were used in this post with her friend for over 3 years and because there is no hitting involved...it was hard to really label what was going on.  But terming her a "Stealth Bully" is perfect!! I actually can't believe how on target your examples were; they’re so close to what my daughter has been experiencing with a person who was supposed to be her friend.  Just recently, she finally told her supposed friend that she is going to take a break from their relationship because the friend won't stop her negative behavior.  The supposed friend had a fit at school (uncontrollable crying) and got sympathy from other students.  She told everyone my daughter was bullying her and she didn't know why my daughter won't be her friend anymore.  Her supposed friend also manipulated the teacher by breaking out into tears in the classroom and telling the teacher that she has no idea why she is being ignored.

The teacher yelled at my daughter and told her that she will not tolerate any bullying in her class.  My daughter had no chance to explain her side and is devastated at how this has blown up in her face when she is not the bully.

Tears are a very strong weapon when used by manipulative, professional victim children.  I am coaching my daughter now what to say to the teacher because I want her to learn how to stand up for her rights in a respectful way.  I am going to show her your post so that she can understand more what is going on here.  Hopefully this will make her feel better, although right now she feels everyone is on her friend’s side.  Thanks for the post!

**********

Hi,

I’m glad you found the post and that it helped.

Taking what you said as accurate and true, you and your daughter have run into a common manipulative, stealthy bullying tactic.

When someone (your daughter’s supposed friend) cries, most people assume that someone else (your daughter) must have done something bad and should be stopped.  Most people react to their assumptions and attack the designated perpetrator (your daughter).  Your daughter got labeled unfairly and without being allowed to present her side.  Also, the teacher didn’t judge by character, because bullies like your daughter’s supposed friend usually manipulate the same way repeatedly.  They can be recognized by their repeating pattern of behavior – that’s how the get what they want.  And I’d suspect that your daughter doesn’t have a pattern of bullying or abusing her friends.  Shame on that teacher for jumping to conclusions, supporting the bully and blaming the true victim.

A person who uses the crying, victim tactic repeatedly is a special type of manipulative, stealth bully that I call “Professional Victims.”  Your daughter has been victimized by a person using their hurt feelings to gain power and control; a sneaky professional victim.  We often see this between brothers and sisters who want to manipulate their parents.

You’re on the right track coaching your daughter how to stand up for herself.  However, since I suspect that she’s younger than high school age, and since adults sometimes won’t admit error in front of children, you also may need to talk with the teacher and the principal to make your daughter’s case.  Gather evidence, if you can, of other times when the supposed friend has used the same sort of tactics that depend on her feelings being hurt.

Maybe they also need a copy of the original blog post and my book, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks.”  My next book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and a 10 disc CD set containing both books should be out right after Thanksgiving.

Of course, the professional victim is not really a friend of your daughter’s.  Professional victims are selfish, vicious, ruthless control-freaks.  They try to manipulate authorities to defend them and to punish people they’re trying to beat into line.

Your daughter is now testing everyone at school.  She should make her case and then see who is foolish enough to believe the false friend.  Your daughter doesn’t really want to be friends with people who don’t recognize her good character, as opposed to the professional victim’s.  Your daughter may find out that no one at school sees clearly.  Well, now she knows about them.  Be resilient.  Move on and get better friends when she moves up to the next school.  She simply won’t be going to reunions with those people.  No great loss.

I know that may sound difficult if she wants to gain acceptance by a peer group.  But part of her job in life is to test the whole world and keep on her island only the people who see her worth and whom she likes.

Good luck and best wishes.

The 9 Circles of Trust

Whether you’re thinking of personal relationships or the workplace or you’re teaching your children, how can you know who to trust? Some people think that it’s morally and spiritually advanced to start by trusting everyone.  You’re somehow a bad person if you don’t trust people.  After all, you get what you put out.  Other people say that everyone is out to get whatever they can so you should start by trusting no one.

Where do you usually begin?  And do you have any horror stories of people who trusted too much or too little?  Or heart-warming stories when trusting won over a previously un-trustworthy person?

Read more and you’ll learn about the 9 circles of trust – a process for getting around the unanswerable, philosophical trust-question.

Seventeen year-old Abby doesn’t know what to do with her boyfriend or whether she should trust her step-father.  She grew up knowing men were not worthy of trust.  Her father bailed on the family when she was six, leaving her mother with Abby and three younger children.  They never heard from him, but Abby knows he took all the money.  Her mother worked hard, but it was years before they could get on their feet.  Abby saw a succession of boyfriends take advantage of her mother; bullying and abusing her, and verbally intimidating the children.  The men were selfish and self-centered; real narcissists.

Her mother finally found a great guy.  They’ve been married for eight years and Tim has been wonderful to her mother and all the children.  It’s as if his heart has adopted them even though they’re not his biological children.  He spends his money on them as if they were his real family.  He helps around the house.  He’s always there for Abby, her mother and the other kids through their emotional ups and downs.  He attends all their functions and has gotten Abby in the middle of the night when she’s needed help.  He’d even support her if she went to college.  Should Abby trust Tim or is he going to turn out just like the other men?

Abby’s 22 year-old boyfriend is demanding, abusive, intimidating and controlling.  He blows up when she doesn’t do what he wants.  He says he proves his love by being insanely jealous and insisting that she doesn’t go to college because she might meet other guys.  He doesn’t work and says he needs her support to get his life together after the terrible treatment he suffered at the hands of his parents.  He even wants her to drop out of high school now so she can get a job and they can live together.  With her help, he might be able to stop drinking and smoking dope.  Since he says he loves her and would be lost without her, how can she not trust him?

Let’s compare that with a situation at work.  Lizzie’s boss is a bullying, control freak.  He gives everyone impossible tasks and deadlines.  Since they’re never perfect, he micro-manages, yells and delivers crushing putdowns.  He’s verbally abusive, emotionally intimidating and threatening.  He’s created a hostile workplace.

But when people started complaining and leaving, he promised he’d change.  He’d be more understanding, kind and caring.  Liz had begun to look for another job, but now she wonders if she should trust him.  Notice that while this looks different from Abby, it has the same key question: should Lizzie trust her boss?

I’ll use Abby to describe how the Nine Circles of Trust method works.  Think how Liz could apply it at work or someone could teach her daughter how to apply it to the other kids at school.

With coaching, Abby sees that she’s making a problem for herself by looking at trust in the old way – should she trust someone or not.  What’s more useful is for her to develop an accurate, realistic prediction of what another person is likely to do, based on their past behavior.  The more accurate her estimations are, the more she can trust her estimates.  That’s what trust is about: trusting her accurate estimations.

Abby also makes a problem for herself when she thinks the question with her boyfriend is whether or not he loves her.  She’s better off when she decides how she’d like to be loved (what behavior would make her feel loved) and then tests whether or not her boyfriend treats her that way.  It doesn’t matter what he calls it.  What matters is whether he treats her the way she defines love.

In order to develop a repeatable process, she imagines herself at the center of a bull’s eye.  She makes nine circles of trust getting further and further out from her; like she’s at the center of a target.   She writes how someone would have to behave in order for her to allow them to move from the furthest limit to one circle closer.  Actually, she makes different lists: one for her stepfather, one for her boyfriend and one for a girl at school.  At this distance, her tests for whether she’ll allow them closer are about non-threatening, physical behavior: no hitting, throwing things or physical abuse.

Then she makes lists of how they’d have to act in order for her to let them into the next closer circle.  At this distance, it’s about polite, civil behavior; not stealing her things, lying, bad mouthing her, yelling, threats or intimidation.

Then she makes a list for admission to the next closer circle.  And so on, closer each time.  Now she’s ready to decide how, for example, her boyfriend has acted and which circle she’ll put him in.

Abby’s shocked at her estimation of him.  She puts her boyfriend into the ninth circle.  He’s a bully and she won’t allow him any closer.  Despite her previous experience with her biological father and her mother’s rotten boyfriends, she brings her stepfather right next to her.  He has proven himself during eight years, despite lots of bad behavior from her.

Some of the other important considerations when using this process are:

• Adjust the prices of admission (the tests) to each circle as you learn more.
• Ignore reasons, excuses, justifications, pleading and coercion – base your estimates on actions.
• Be open to surprises (good and bad).
• Move people further away when they act bad.
• Keep people in their previous position even if they do one thing nice – recognize established patterns.
• You may move a particular person closer or further away depending on the circumstances – for example, you might go to a party with someone, but never lend them money.

You’ll find more examples of the effective use of methods like the Nine Circles of Trust in personal and work life in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up.”

In which circle would you place the people in your life if you trusted that your estimates of what they’re likely to do?

Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

What are the warning signs of controlling husbands?  Here's my list of the top dozen.  Do you have any to add? 1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. 2. You're afraid you'll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. 3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it's spent on. 4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. 5. You're told you're incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. 6. You're told that you're to blame if they hurt you. 7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don't do exactly what they want. 8. Their standards rule - your "no" isn't accepted as "no;" they're always right and you're always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they're not abusing you, you're too sensitive. 9. They isolate you - they won't allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work. 10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you're wrong or not good enough. 11. Your concerns generally don't get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes. 12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.

In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.

Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don't recognize and label the control and abuse as "bullying."  When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you'll be empowered to resist them.  When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.

The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.

Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying.  But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.