Top 10 ways bullies disrupt meetings

For years I’ve watched bullies disrupt professional meetings and create hostile workplaces.  It’s bad enough when team members dominate meetings, but it’s always worse if it’s the boss who’s a control freak. Here are the top 10 tactics I’ve seen them use.  What situations and actions irritate and frustrate you most?

These methods are even worse when they’re repeatedly used.  But of course, that’s a sign of bullying behavior; bullies don’t change.  My top 10 are:

1. Unprepared and latecomers – especially when they make a loud entrance.
2. Interrupters – they may be show-offs or clowns; they may interrupt vocally or by eating and drinking loudly or they may use their cell phones, Blackberrys or computers.  They have the attention span of two year-olds.
3. Boring ramblers with their lengthy personal conversations or digressions.
4. Dominators and know-it-all authorities – their loudness, certainty and fast talk tend to shut other people down.
5. Naysayers – they are relentlessly negative and can put down and block every proposal; “There are problems, we tried that, nothing ever works except my ideas.”
6. Angry people who indulge in personal attacks and put-downs, belittling and bringing up old errors.  They’re often defensive but, after a while, who cares about their psychotherapy?
7. Nit-pickers, distracters and side trackers who are full of irrelevant facts.  They prevent progress by correcting or arguing over irrelevant details.  They may want to re-think every previous decision; they never take action.
8. Side conversation experts – their ideas, whims or self-important witticisms seem to them more important than the agenda.
9. Editorial comments – they may be verbal or non-verbal, including snorting, rolling eyes, drumming fingers, turning their chairs around, laughing sarcastically and barely audible disparaging or ridiculing remarks.
10. Passive-aggressive backstabbers – they keep quiet or even agree during meetings, but then disagree, complain or put down people after meetings.

We usually know how to resolve these problem behaviors, but most people don’t have the courage or the organization’s culture won’t allow you to act.

Often, the strong and clear voice of an outside consultant and coach can change these behaviors or empower managers and staff to remove these bullies.  I’ve often helped companies and even non-profits and government agencies create and maintain behavioral standards (team agreements, ground rules for professional behavior) that make meetings worthwhile and promote productivity.

The techniques are covered in the CD set, “Eliminate the High Cost of Low Attitudes,” and also in the book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Case Study: Dealing with a righteous, angry, bullying friend

Dana thought her new friend Tracy had a strong personality.  Tracy always knew what was right and knew how she deserved to be treated.  She could always justify why her standards were the right ones.  If anyone didn’t live up to Tracy’s rules and logic, she let them have it. She was even right when she told off Dana’s next door neighbor.  But Dana had to live with the consequences of Tracy’s tirade.

Do you know any quick-tongued people who are sure they’re right?  How do you deal with them?

Dana’s neighbor was having a pretty loud party the evening Tracy was visiting.  Dana would have let it go because the neighbor usually was quiet or she would have sweetly asked the neighbor to tone it down a little.  As part of their good relationship the neighbor would have apologized and made her guests quiet down.

But Tracy got livid at the noise and shifted into action.  She raced over to the neighbor with Dana following behind.  When the neighbor answered the door, Tracy lit into her.  The guests were looking on but that didn’t stop Tracy for a second.  She yelled that the neighbor was discourteous, arrogant, crude and trailer-trash.  When the neighbor reacted defensively and angrily, Tracy cut her off, called her a string of dirty names and said she was getting the police on her.

Tracy ran back to Dana’s house, called the police and complained loudly about the noise next door.  The police did come.

When Dana said that she thought that was overkill, Tracy got angry at her; no one was going to disrespect Tracy.  The neighbor was too loud and she had a lot of nerve to get angry when she was in the wrong.

When Tracy left, Dana was stuck.  She’d always had a nice relationship with the neighbor and she didn’t want to start a spite-fight with someone who lived next door.

So what would you do?

When Dana and I talked the next day, we began by separating the three people she had to deal with; the neighbor, Dana herself and Tracy.  We went through each one separately and then Dana took the action she’d decided upon.

That evening, she went to the neighbor’s house and apologized for Tracy.  The neighbor was furious and wouldn’t accept Dana’s apology.  She told Dana off and slammed the door in her face.

Dana waited and after about five minutes she knocked again.  The neighbor wouldn’t answer until Dana had knocked for what seemed like another five minutes.  Again Dana groveled.  She explained that she hadn’t known that Tracy had called the police, she would never have done that and she still wanted to be neighborly.  They’d always gotten along before and they could still talk to each other reasonably in the future.

Again the neighbor slammed the door.  But an hour later, the neighbor called and acknowledged that the party was a little loud.  She said she understood, but she never wanted to see Tracy again.  Dana was satisfied with that arrangement.  She and the neighbor actually got along better after that conversation and the neighbor didn’t have a loud party again.

The second person Dana had to look at was herself.  She was shocked and stunned when Tracy threw her fit.  Dana finally realized that she wasn’t a bad person for letting Tracy attack the neighbor; she didn’t have a character flaw.  She simply hadn’t trained herself.

When humans are surprised and shocked, we often revert to our childhood reactions or to one of the three primitive reactions we have – fight, flight or freeze.  Dana froze; she called it “brain freeze.”  Maybe Tracy reverted to “fight” mode.

Since Dana didn’t like brain freeze, all she had to do was to train herself to make a different response.  She had known that she’d wanted to stop Tracy.  Actually, she knew how Tracy was and that if she’d prepared herself, she wouldn’t have allowed Tracy to go to the neighbor’s house.  Or, she would have stopped Tracy in mid-tirade.

Now she had to make her boundaries clear and stand up to Tracy.

When Dana told Tracy how much trouble she’d caused with the neighbor, Tracy attacked Dana.  “I was right.  Your neighbor was way too loud.   I had a right to be angry.  Nobody’s going to bother me any more.  Someone needed to tell her off.”

When Dana told Tracy she didn’t want to deal angrily with a neighbor over one incident, especially when the woman had been a good neighbor for a long time, Tracy again attacked Dana.  “When I get angry I have to get it off my chest.  You’re trying to repress me and put me down.  I have a right to my feelings and I won’t be stifled.”

Dana she recognized that Tracy was bullying her.  Now, Dana was prepared.  She said, “You know, you seem to think that you’re entitled to throw a fit if you feel like it; if you feel righteous, right and justified.  Did you grow up getting your way when you threw fits?”

Tracy yelled that it was none of Dana’s business how she grew up.  “Anyway,” she spat out, “I feel better when I let people have it.  They deserve it.  And it helps me get what I want.  You’re just a coward if you don’t tell people off.  You’re asking them to take advantage of you.”

Dana repeated, “Usually, I don’t have the strong feelings you do.  And even when I do, I think of what will get me what I want, instead of just throwing a fit and spilling my guts.  I wanted to start off nice with the neighbor.  When I simply ask, she always takes care of things.”

Again, Dana challenged Tracy, “Is it more important for you to throw a fit than to get what you want?  I wanted to tone the party down and I wanted to keep a good relationship with my neighbor.  Whenever you feel right and righteous, do you beat people with your tongue or do you think of what else you might want?”

Tracy blew up again.  “I was right, your neighbor was wrong.  I can do whatever I feel like when people are treating me bad.  And if you don’t like it, I’m not your friend.”

After careful consideration, Dana decided that Tracy wasn’t interested in changing her reactions and that not being friends with her was a good idea.  She didn’t want to get drawn into fights because Tracy had the self-control of a child.  Rage, bullying and verbal abuse weren’t her usual style.

Coaching helped Dana clarify how she wanted to act and what she’d allow in her personal space.  Our talking and her learning from “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” helped Dana maintain her boundaries with the neighbor and her former friend Tracy.  They also helped Dana stand up for herself against other bullies in her personal life and at work.

I hope this case study and the techniques Dana used will alert you to areas in which you’re not taking charge of your personal ecology.

Is non-violent resistance really effective against bullies?

The success of Mahatma Gandhi and non-violent protest or non-violent resistance is often cited as absolute proof that such non-violent methods can defeat oppression and stop bullies.  That idea is often linked to the assertions that the world was a simpler place back when people came together face to face, a small group of committed people can change the world and there’s nothing we can’t accomplish. As much as I almost always try non-violent techniques first, I disagree strongly.  You’re better off thinking of non-violent protest as a method, a strategy or a tactic; not as a philosophy.

Let’s examine non-violent protest as if its truth as a philosophy can be tested against history.

Gandhi-ji was successful against the British and I wouldn’t argue that any other tactic he could have employed would have succeeded.  But his success only proves that in that particular circumstance, lead by that unique individual spirit, the tactic of non-violent protest was successful in getting the British to leave India.  Do you think that non-violent resistance would have been effective in India in 1857?  Or that it would help the Indian people now against Pakistan (or vice versa) or against the Muslim terrorists who recent launched their attacks in Mumbai?

I remember Martin Luther King, Jr. and the civil rights movement.   I was actually in Chicago when he led the march and rally.  Do you think he would have succeeded in leading a march in Chicago in 1920 or New York in the 1830’s (read about the mass atrocities and killings during the riots there)?  Do you think the movement would have succeeded integrating schools in the South without the Federal troops willing to shoot?

Gandhi and Dr. King were in the right places at the right times for the methods they chose.  Would either have even gotten obituaries in the newspapers if they tried non-violent protest in Hitler’s Germany, Stalin’s Russia, Mao’s China, Bosnia, Rwanda or Darfur, or against the Ayatollah or Sadam Hussein, just to name a few?

The wisdom and lessons of history are clear, whether we like them or not.  They’re found in the great literature of the world, as well as in the facts we know:

• The world was never a simpler place.  Try living your life on a self-sufficient farm, especially when the locusts or drought or flood or fire comes.  Or when a conquering horde comes over the hill to kill all the men and take the women and children into slavery.  That was dealing with problems face to face.  Remember in the Iliad what happened to mighty Hector’s wife and son.  No unemployment insurance, retirement funds or welfare.
• A small group of people can change the world.  Usually that’s what has happened, whether they start a Renaissance or a dictatorship or they’re called the Founding Fathers or Mothers.
• Although there are many things we’ve accomplished through science and technology in the physical, material world, there are many things we can’t accomplish in the organic, living world.  We will never have world peace.  We will never have a global society that encourages and makes possible everyone’s individual freedom.  Power is a reality of human nature, not freedom (as much as we Americans value it).  Protecting me and mine against you and yours, or people grabbing what they want is a reality of human nature.
• In response to a question about peaceful, non-violent protest being effective when facing Chinese soldiers with machine guns, the Dali Lama said, about two years ago, that had we stood there and prayed and chanted and reasoned, they simply would have shot us all.  Similarly, the Quakers in Pennsylvania were barred from holding office because their peaceful methods did not protect the colonists they served from Indian attacks.
• History shows that, for the most part, those who succeed practicing non-violence live in caves, deserts, misty mountains or monasteries.  Usually, they live on practically nothing or are supported and taken care of by people who brave the world in which violence is a probability.  For example, Gandhi could live poor and politically active because, in part, he was supported by the efforts and money of one of the richest women in India.

To think that we can have sustainable world peace is to indulge in childhood, magical thinking – very 60’s and 70’s.

So what can we do?  Keep working at it; be strong, skillful and resilient in your efforts; think strategically, being right isn’t enough.

Start with your personal world.  Deal effectively and individually with the bullies you find, whether they be face to face or cyberbullies, bullies at work, home or school.  Help make laws against those behaviors, but if you want society or the government to actively guarantee security, you will create Big Brother and you won’t like the consequences.

Think of non-violent protest and reasoning as initial tactics to employ.  Sometimes they’ll be effective.  Bullies will show you if non-violent protest enough to stop them.  But if non-violent resistance doesn’t stop a bully, you have to be more clever and firm.  History actually shows that usually the best way to prepare for peace is to be strong enough to wage war successfully, despite the seductively catchy bumper sticker to the contrary.  Remember, no method succeeds everywhere and every when.

Prepare yourself to be ecstatic and joyful in the world the way it is, whether you decide to change it or not.  That joy and ecstasy are signs of the saints.  As much as the world is full of all the awful things we can think of, it’s also full of beauty, grace, love and nobility.  Fill yourself with joy in the face of the full range of life.

If you can’t be happy until the world is totally peaceful and all the problems are solved, you’ll have a lousy life.  That would be a waste of your potential for wonder, awe and joy, as well as for effecting change … even knowing that change won’t last beyond your life span.

Beating the CyberBully

In his post on Urban Semiotic, “Beating the CyberBully,” David Boles discusses the hate mail, anonymous and faked comments, and other tactics of cyberbullies.  He lists some cases that have finally been heard by courts with jurisdiction, including the one when a vengeful adult drove a neighboring teenager to commit suicide.  David points out that some states have adopted anti-cyberbullying laws while others don’t It’s so frustrating for parents and kids because we often feel pretty helpless, even when we can see the warning signs of cyberbullying.

I’m glad some states are finally passing laws to outlaw cyberbullying and I hope the Federal government will also.  I’m glad YouTube, MySpace and Facebook also have become part of the policing effort; good for them.  If these social networks don’t take strong action, then parents shouldn’t allow their children to use those sites; whether the kids like it or not.

It’s the only way we’ll have a chance to stop cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

The laws will make it possible to draw the line that outing and prosecuting cyberbullies is more important than the anonymity and privacy that the internet affords … and that we all like.

I don’t let my empathy, sympathy and pity of cyberbullies get in the way of doing what’s necessary to stop their behavior.  Not only put them in prison, but make it illegal for them to get on the net again.  Just like we restrict some activities of convicted felons.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

The signs of cyberbullying

The post on the PC Pandora Blog, “The signs of cyberbullying,” refers to an article by Elizabeth Wasserman, “Warning signs: Is Your Child Having Cyber Issues?”  The original article gives a good list of some of the signs that your child might be having trouble dealing with cyber bullies.  The follow-up post refers to the PC Pandora software that will alert parents if their child is either being the victim of cyberbullying or is even a cyberbully him or herself. The signs they listed were: * Changed work habits, grades slipping, failing tests. * Losing sleep or sleeping too much. * Increased insecurity or irritability.

I would add withdrawal and lack of communication.  These warning signs are really some of the warning signs that teenagers are having problems with any issue they can’t resolve by themselves, not only cyberbullying.  They’re tip-offs that parents need to talk more with their children and find out what’s going on.

However, the solutions suggested by the experts in the article fall short in the real-world.  They all stem from the ideas that kids are experts and parents should not upset or pressure their children too much.  Instead, parents should only make what I think of as weak suggestions.

However, suggestions are nice but are usually not enough.  Most children may be more expert than their parents about technology but: 1. They don’t know what’s best for them.  I hope that as parents with much broader experience, we know a lot that our children don’t and they have already had the opportunity to see that. 2. They’re not more expert than we are about dealing with bullies.  I hope we have many ideas they haven’t thought about, even if that might mean they would have to go outside their comfort zones or we might have to intervene.

We may have to work hard to get our kids to tell us or to problem solve with us.  How many of us told our parents when we had trouble?  But that’s the universal task.  Their liking it or not is not the most important criterion.

I know parents who have even prohibited their children from wasting time on social networks like YouTube, MySpace and Facebook.  They want their children to have face to face social activities with real people they can judge face to face.  How’s that for a concept.

I also think that to put a dent in the amount of cyberbullying, we’ll need Federal laws to make it illegal and then the willingness of social networks to turn over records of cyberbullies.  Writing and enforcing these laws will be as difficult as enforcing the libel laws we already have.  We’ll have to distinguish between an angry exchange and a pattern of on-going attacks.

I learned effective techniques to deal with bullies through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

Should Parents Crack Down on Teasing?

In his post on the Wall Street Journal Blog, “Should Parents Crack Down on Teasing?”, John J. Edwards III asks if parents are cracking down too much on teasing.  Comments ranged from the need for children to learn to fight back to the need for children to learn empathy and tolerance.  Also, there was no clarity about what criteria to use to judge whether teasing was beneficial or bad or wrong. When two people agree to tease and they stay within the limits and boundaries, teasing can be a lot of fun.  And even allow things to be said in a friendly way that might be hard to say or hear in other ways.

But when only the “teaser” wants to tease, and the “teasee” doesn’t want it, then it’s bullying.  Whether the teasing is racist, sexist, focused on disabilities, or because someone is small or smart or different, or the teasers simply enjoy having a scapegoat, or it’s done through cyberbullying – it’s still bullying!

That simple guideline is the same for teasing between adults as well as teasing of and by children or teenagers.  It’s also the same for teasing at work.

The effects on the “teasee” can be very damaging if the “teasee” doesn’t rise up and stop it.  When the “teasee” stops it, he or she grows much stronger in character, courage and skill.

Within our family, we helped the kids see the limits beyond which teasing became hurtful.  When teasing was outside our family, we helped the kids see a continuum from fun teasing, through teasing you might ignore or tolerate, to learning to stop bullying and bullies.  Sometimes you have to move up the scale to fighting back.  If you do, make sure you’re effective.  I wrote about my experiences in my book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and there are other examples in the book and CDs, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”

Bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why we can find ways to stop them.

True bullies will interpret our empathy, kindness and tolerance as weakness.  They’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, it’ll encourage them to attack us more.  The bully will show you how far you need to go to stop them.  Get out of your comfort zone and stop them.

When children learn how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will develop strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real-world bullies they’ll face as adults. I learned effective techniques through growing up in New York City, by watching our six children (three girls and three boys) deal with each other and with bullies at school, and through my experience as a coach, psychotherapist and consultant.

Teach children ways to cope with bullies

In her article in USA Today in December, 2008, “Teach children ways to cope with bullies,” Barbara Cavallo writes, “Parents can help children learn effective techniques that include meditating, reading inspirational stories and performing simple physical exercises to cope with stressful situations such as bullying.” Those are good activities, but I disagree that they’re enough.  I suggest alternative tactics to cope with bullies and to relieve stress.

Yes, meditation, reading inspirational stories and performing simple physical exercises are useful and good for the soul.  But, if children’s energy is totally turned inward, you’ll be teaching them to be merely passive or to follow a faddish idea about saintly behavior.  You’ll help your children handle their stress better by teaching them to deal effectively with the bully, not by withdrawing to make themselves feel better or more virtuous.  The best antidote for stress is strong and firm action to change the situation.

Not getting or not showing hurt feelings is a great first step, but usually not enough.  As I point out in “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies don’t take your acquiescence as kindness.  They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to grab for more.

How about helping children and teenagers convert fear and pain into know-how, even if fueled by the energy of anger.

Schools have never been safe.  I remember a biography of Harpo Marx (remember the Marx Brothers?).  He went to school for one day.  The kids threw him out the window (first floor).  He came back in.  They threw him out again.  After the third time he didn't go back in.  And never did again.

Schools are testing grounds for the real world.  They present us with situations in response to which we can develop strength of character, resilience and skill.  Imagine growing up on a farm, in an Indian village or in the middle ages.  Not safe.  I grew up in New York City.  Not safe.

There are no safe environments.  When I was growing up, that was the lesson I always got from reading great hero stories.  And each tale challenged me to prepare myself for similar dangers.

All bullies are not the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same.  That’s why I’ve found ways to stop them.  If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey.  Like sharks, they’ll simply go after us more.  Sometimes, fighting is the key to success.

When children have learned how to stop bullies in their tracks, they will have developed strength of character, determination, resilience and skill.  They’ll need these qualities to succeed against the real world bullies they’ll face as adults.

Growing up, I saw that for myself and my brothers.  I also saw that with our six children.  And I see that with my clients.

Begin with the books “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” and the10-CD set.  You will probably also need practical, pragmatic coaching and tactics designed to resolve your specific situations.

Holidays bring out many bullies at home

Holidays bring out many bullies at home.  You know; the control-freaks who have to have things their way; the manipulative, guilt-tripping, back-stabbing, super-critical, put-down stealth bullies.  For example, Jane has a mother, brother and two sisters who are masters at these techniques.  She used to dread the holidays with the whole family, until she stopped their behavior. It’s funny how often the family of our hearts and spirits is not the family we grew up in.

What goes on in your family?  Do you have examples for the next posts on the holidays at work and bullying children during the holidays? Jane’s mother had guilt-tripped her all of her life.  Her mother’s voice dripped with hurt and pain when she whined, “You never loved me as much as your sisters did” and “You’re so selfish and uncaring, you won’t do the simple things I want for me, after all I did for you.”

Sister #1 always preened and pointed out how her children, husband and house were better than Jane’s.  At the same time, the sister’s husband hated Christmas.  He sounded just like Scrooge, “Christmas is humbug and fake.  I don’t want to waste my time, I won’t give presents and I won’t have fun.”  He was nasty the whole time.

Jane’s brother insisted that Christmas must be done his way; his way was the RIGHT way.  Jane was supposed to make a big spread for him at her house early in the morning, prepare the food he wanted and make her children do the activities he wanted.

Sister #2 bragged about how much more she gave her children than Jane did, and how much better she took care of their mother than Jane did.  She was the best child and she and her children were mom’s favorites.  Also without telling Jane, she invited extra people to come to Jane’s house.  Her husband was okay until he started drinking.  Then he criticized everything Jane did or had.  And he was relentless.

At least, Jane thought, I don’t have elatives that come to stay when I don’t want them or friends who bully me.  And this year, for the first time, Jane is looking forward to an afternoon with the extended family.  That’s because she won’t allow those old behaviors of theirs in her space.

With coaching and the techniques from the book and CD set, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks,” especially the staircase technique and the guideline of being as firm as she needed, Jane got over her own guilt and self-bullying, and set boundaries and behavioral rules for her family in her house.  She started two years ago by not getting hurt feelings, by calling it like it is and even being a little sarcastic.

She said to her mom, “Stop trying to guilt trip me.”  When he mother complained, “I was not.  I was simply telling you how I felt,” Jane didn’t argue.  Instead she firmly responded, “I never thought I’d have a mother who tries to manipulate me using guilt.  You’re just like grandma and what she used to do with you.”

We know that everyone talks about how wonderful their children are, and Jane was glad to listen to Sister #1 for a while.  But when her sister kept going on, and brought every conversation around to the inevitable comparisons, Jane finally said, with a smile, “Yes, you’ve convinced me again.  Your children are much better than mine.”  When her sister indignantly protested that wasn’t her intention, Jane didn’t argue about intentions.  Each time her sister repeated her nasty comparisons, Jane simply repeated what she had said.

Jane also laid down some rules without asking their opinions.  For example, she wants Christmas Eve and morning with her children, and their protests didn’t sway her.  She’s willing to give them the afternoon.  Also she no longer allows liquor on Christmas day.

Over the past two years, Jane has been steady about her challenges to her family.  She rarely debated or helped them do amateur psychoanalysis on why they behaved the way they did.  Their better behavior was her test.

She decided which values were more important to her and then made clear that her family had to change or she wouldn’t have them for Christmas.  More important than a family gathering with nasty people, was a wonderful time with her children.  And she didn’t argue with their protests and justifications.

Jane’s progress was not as fast and smooth as I’m telling in this short post, but it was steady.  She’s seen her family change over the last two years and she thinks that this Christmas will be a test for them.  She’s pretty sure that if she stands firm, they accept her rules for behavior she allows in her life.  Mostly she’s eager for the challenge.

We all have bullies in our family.  The holidays seem to bring out the best in some people, while they bring out the worst in others.

Of course, we need to design different tactics to fit everyone’s unique circumstances and the bullying patterns in individual families.  That’s what coaching and consulting are for.  Some people will be sweeter and softer than Jane, while others will be even more frank and straightforward.

How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks; 10-CD Set

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The two new bundles bring together all of the elements and resources you need to create a bully-free environment in your professional and in your personal lives.  Listen to the CDs in the car or airplane, and refer back to the sections in the books that you'll want to read over and over.  When you purchase these bundles, you'll receive more that 20% off the price of each resource, if purchased separately.

They’re in plenty of time to help you handle the bullies you face during the holiday season and to give as presents to those in need.  Please see the details, including the Table of Contents and questions for reading groups, on the products and resources page. “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” will show you how to apply lessons from 20 case studies to end bullying in your personal life and at work: * Early warning signs of overt and stealth bullies. * Stop self-bullying before it destroys your life. * The three strategies that will be successful. * Nine ineffective approaches you should stop using. * A five-step process to thwart the most determined bullies. * How to protect your personal ecology.

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“Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” is a companion to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  It shows you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life.

Good parenting requires you to teach them how to use other tactics and techniques to stop bullies in their tracks, as well as to maintain their independence, confidence and self-esteem, and to promote their emotional development. That's necessary preparation for them to succeed in the adult world at work and in personal relationships – e.g., with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

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The Bullies Be Gone system — Professional Life Bundle

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~~~ "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts."  Rabindranath Tagore ~~~

We'll make it easy for you to get copies for everyone on your gift list by shipping directly to them.  Simply order the number of copies you want and immediately send me an e-mail with the addresses of each of your lucky friends.  In addition, if you recently purchased one of the items in the system and want to get the rest now, e-mail me and I'll give you a special discount on “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” and the 10-CD set.

Of course, you can also get the personal coaching you need for your specific situation.

Best wishes for a joyous, bully-free life, Ben

Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks

My new soft cover book, “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks,” is ready to ship.  It’s in plenty of time to help you handle the bullies you face during the holiday season and to give as presents to those in need.  Please see the details, including the Table of Contents and questions for reading groups, on the products and resources page. “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks” is a companion to “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”  It shows you how to guide your children and teenagers to live a bully-free life. Your children and teens will probably face or witness: * Physical violence, verbal abuse and emotional intimidation. * Anger, hate, harassment and hazing. * Name-calling, put-downs, scorn, and ostracism. * Two-faced friends and anonymous cyber-bullies. * Peer pressure and destructive media influences.

Good parenting requires you to teach them how to use other tactics and techniques to stop bullies in their tracks, as well as to maintain their independence, confidence and self-esteem, and to promote their emotional development. That's necessary preparation for them to succeed in the adult world at work and in personal relationships – e.g., with husbands, wives, partners, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends and neighbors.

Six case studies will teach you how to help them deal with: * Taunting, teasing and fighting. * A venomous Queen Bee. * Emotional blackmail. * A manipulative control-freak who pretends to be a friend. * School administrators. * The most important decision for teenagers. * Self-bullying.

Some of the other sections are: * What to do when Peaceful Methods aren’t Effective. * Tactics That Don’t Work. * Success Guidelines and Tactics. * Methods to Deal with Teasing. * Recognizing if Someone is a True Friend. * A Teenager who Won’t Try Hard at School.

~~~ "Create an isle of song in a sea of shouts."  Rabindranath Tagore ~~~

We'll make it easy for you to get copies for everyone on your gift list by shipping directly to them.  Simply order the number of copies you want and immediately send me an e-mail with the addresses of each of your lucky friends.

Of course, you can also get the personal coaching you need for your specific situation.

Best wishes for a joyous, bully-free life, Ben

Facing a two-faced coworker

My advice was asked on this situation on condition that the author remains anonymous.  What would you do if you faced a two-faced coworker or teammate who treated you civilly in public but attacked you when you were alone?  And no one else in the office knew or would believe you. In public, Bart (fictitious name) smiled and seemed helpful to Fran (fictitious name).  Even though he didn’t know her specialty, he started offering polite, detailed suggestions in an authoritative and convincing way about how she could improve her performance.  Fran felt like she was being micro-managed in a way she couldn’t resist or argue back.  It would take too long to show why his suggestions wouldn’t work and she didn’t think everyone else was really interested.  Other members of the team started to think she was pretty incompetent since Bart knew so much more.

In private, Fran asked Bart to stop being so controlling and making her look bad.  He agreed to, but then he continued to subtly demean her in public.  In addition, he started ignoring her, leaving her out of the information loop, and putting her down subtly in front of others.  Fran again asked him to stop.  Bart said he wanted them to have a good working relationship and suggested a meeting to clear the air.  Fran was initially wary, but he persisted and she agreed.

At the private meeting, Bart told Fran she was the worst person he'd ever worked with.  She wasn’t completely bad professionally, but she had the worst personality he’d ever seen.  He wanted her to treat him with as much friendliness as she treated other people in public.  Fran was mystified because he didn't say who these other people were and she thought she already treated everyone politely and professionally.

He said Fran was bullying him, he couldn't sleep at night because of her, she was just as hostile and nasty as another girl he used to work with and his girlfriend agreed that Fran was bullying him, even though Fran had never met her.  He said he’d been verbally cruel to people in the past, but he didn't want to be with her.  He said Fran was the worst person he'd ever worked with and the worst thing about his otherwise perfect job.

Fran felt scared because nothing like this had ever happened to her before and because Bart said everything very quietly and calmly with a twisted look of pure hate on his face.  He seemed to be enjoying it.  Fran had never seen him look or act this particular way before, so she thought others wouldn't believe her.

He carried on this way for an hour and Fran felt like she was in the presence of a psycho.  She apologized profusely.  He kept twisting the knife.  She said she was sorry for “bullying” him.  He kept twisting the knife.  She asked how she could make things better between them.  He kept twisting the knife.

Since she had to work with him closely, Fran pretended to be his friend from that day on.  She followed up two weeks later to see if he was happier.  He said he no longer thought of her at night, but added that he hated her because of the way she treated him.  He didn’t stop correcting her in public and he continued to sabotage her work.

Don’t waste time psychoanalyzing Bart and Fran or thinking that some trust building exercises, communication techniques or skillful conflict resolution will bring them together.  Fran should realize that she and Bart live on different planets.  She thinks she’s okay and he’s a scary psycho.  He hates her guts, thinks she bullies him and that professional behavior allows him to vent his feelings and hatred.

In her world, she’s faced with a relentless, crazy person who blames everything on her and is out to get her.  In that office, she’ll always feel his hatred shooting into her back.  She’s also afraid he might blow and physically harm her.  She must be willing to skillfully fight a work war against a fanatic or have her credibility and reputation destroyed.  Or leave.  For example; see my article in the Denver Business Journal on winning a work-war.

Notice that every time she tried to please him by taking the blame or being nice, he only twisted the knife more.  Fran’s comment that she never met his girlfriend probably shows that she thinks she can prove her case with reasoning, logic and good will because everyone will listen and be objective.

There are many other variants of the two-faced, bullying colleague.  Some stealth bullies spread rumors and lies behind your back.  Some cut you down behind your back.  Some drive a wedge between you and other people by telling them that you said bad things about them.  These back-stabbers always work in the dark and can’t be pinned down

My books, CDs and coaching can help.

What did Fran do?  Fran secretly hated Bart for what he had put her through.  She didn’t want to become buddies with him.  Also, she didn’t want to waste her time proving to everyone how mean and crazy he was.  Three month's later, she secured another job and left.  Since then, she’s been happy at the new job.

That’s one effective solution to deal with people like Bart, but what will Fran do if she encounters another one.  For example, if she’s highly skilled and competent, she’ll make someone else jealous, scared and angry.  If she’s beautiful, she’ll arouse these same feelings in some other women.

What would you do if you were Fran?

Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace

Bullies at work can ruin a culture, destroy productivity and make your life miserable.  Many people focus only on bullying bosses, but I’ve seen just as many coworkers and employees use these bullying methods as I have managers and supervisors.  Before you read the top ten I’ve seen, please think for a moment.  What bullying methods used by whom, have you seen most? Have you seen these techniques ruining your workplace?

1. Yelling, physical threats (overt or subtle) and personal attacks.
2. Verbal abuse, emotional intimidation, personal insults and attacks (in private and in public).  Put-downs and humiliating, demeaning, rude, cruel, insulting, mocking and embarrassing comments.  False accusations (especially outrageous), character assassination.
3. Harassing based on race, religion, gender and physical attributes.  Sexual contact, lewd suggestions, name-calling, teasing and personal jokes (sometimes overtly nasty, or threatening or sometimes given with laughter as in, “I was just kidding” in order to make it hard for you to fight back.
4. Backstabbing, spreading rumors and gossip, manipulating, lying, distorting, evading, hypocrisy and exposing your problems and mistakes.
5. Taking the credit; spreading the blame.  Withholding information and then cutting you down for not knowing or for failing.
6. Anonymous attacks and cyber-bullying – flaming e-mails and porn.  Invading your personal space and privacy – rummaging through your desk, listening to phone calls, asking extremely personal questions, eating your food.
7. Hypersensitive, over-reactions, throwing tantrums (drama queens) – so you walk on egg shells, back off in order to avoid a scene, or beg forgiveness as if you really did something wrong.
8. Dishonest evaluations – praising and promoting favorites, giving slackers good evaluations and destroying careers of people the bully doesn’t like.
9. Demeaning at meetings – interrupting, ignoring, laughing, non-verbal comments behind your back (rude noises, body language, facial gestures, answering phone, working on computer).
10. Forming cliques and ganging up.  Turf wars about budgets, hiring, copiers and coffee machines.

Most bullies use combinations of these methods.

We’ve all seen the effects of bullies and the hostile workplace they create.  There’s increased hostility, tension, selfishness, turf wars, sick leave, stress related disabilities, turn over and legal actions.  People become isolated, do busy work with no important results and waste huge chunks of time talking about the latest episodes.  Effort is diffused instead of aligned.  Promotions are based on sucking up to the most difficult and nasty people, not on merit.

Teamwork, productivity, responsibility, efficiency, creativity and taking reasonable risks are decreased.  The best people leave as soon as they can.

The wrong people or the wrong culture can always find ways to destroy the best operational systems. Your pipeline will leak money and your profits will plummet.

I’ll go into solutions in future posts, but I want to mention one frequently used tactic that does not work to stop dedicated bullies.  It’s based on the false assumption that if we – educate, explain, understand, reason, show the consequences, accept, forgive or make enough attempts to satisfy bullies – then they will become reasonable, civil, professional, friendly and good to work with.  That approach only stops people who are not really bullies, but have forgotten themselves one time and behaved badly.

Determined bullies don’t take your acquiescence as kindness.  They take your giving in as weakness and an invitation to grab for more.  Bullies bully repeatedly and without real remorse.  You won’t get a sincere apology from them.  A sincere apology doesn’t mean anything about how they look.  It means that they change and stop bullying.

I’d like to hear your horror or success stories.

Top 12 Warning Signs of Controlling Husbands

What are the warning signs of controlling husbands?  Here's my list of the top dozen.  Do you have any to add? 1. Overt physical violence - they shove, slap or hit you; force you to have sex; force you to lie or drop the charges if the police were called. 2. You're afraid you'll trigger a violent rage - you walk on eggshells; they intimidate you with weapons; they threaten you, the children, the pets, your favorite things. 3. They make the rules; they control everything - what you do, where you go, who spends the money and what it's spent on. 4. You feel emotionally blackmailed, intimidated and drained. 5. You're told you're incompetent, helpless and would be alone without them. 6. You're told that you're to blame if they hurt you. 7. They push boundaries, argue endlessly and withhold approval and love if you don't do exactly what they want. 8. Their standards rule - your "no" isn't accepted as "no;" they're always right and you're always wrong; their sense of humor is right and they're not abusing you, you're too sensitive. 9. They isolate you - they won't allow you to see you friends or your family, go to school or even work. 10. They control you with their disapproval, name-calling, putdowns, demeaning, blame and guilt - no matter what you do; you're wrong or not good enough. 11. Your concerns generally don't get dealt with - theirs are more important so they can ignore your wishes. 12. They control you with their hyper-sensitive, hurt feelings and threats to commit suicide.

In addition to controlling you by making you afraid, they are the sneaky, manipulative schoolyard bullies who have developed adult ways to dominate, abuse and bully.

Many people allow themselves to be bullied repeatedly because they don't recognize and label the control and abuse as "bullying."  When you recognize and label their tactics and tricks, you'll be empowered to resist them.  When you learn effective skills and techniques, you can resist them successfully.

The same list applies to abusive, controlling, bullying wives, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, teens and friends.

Peaceful methods (understanding, tolerating, logic, reasoning, forgiveness) sometimes stop mild bullying.  But you need firmer, stronger methods to stop relentless, determined husbands.