Sometimes, bullies come to us and apologize in private for their behavior and promise that they won’t do it again. Does that mean that the harassment, abuse and bullying will stop?
When we receive a private confession and apology, it’s natural for us to heave a sigh of relief and relax; to give up our fear and anger. And then share our secrets, fears and hopes, which is often what bullies want. Real-world bullies will simply use this new information to embarrass us or stab us in the back.
A public apology counts for much more, especially from covert, sneaky manipulative bullies.
But the bottom line is behavior. So when we receive a private apology, I’d recommend saying “Thank you.” And not thinking we have a new friend, but also asking, “What will you do to make amends in public?” Or even, “Thank you. I’ll see how you act in the future to know if you’ve really changed.”
Or we might be more gracious in saying nothing but we’ll still keep watching and keeping score. We shouldn’t give them our wallet or car keys. We should test bullies by small steps to see if they’re trustworthy. Be determined and persevering.
For example, see the case study of dieter Tammy being attacked by her false friend Helen in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks,” available fastest from this web site. Or the case studies of Brandi and Lucy with their boyfriends.
With one exception, workplace cliques are bad for business. If you allow them to operate behind the scenes, they’ll destroy morale, teamwork and productivity. Yet, as the economy continues in a recession, people’s fear and stress will lead them to band together to find comfort and scapegoats.
We usually recognize cliques that use bullying tactics to preserve their turf and to get ahead. Let’s focus on one particular type of clique that will become more prevalent and more destructive as the recession deepens – the Whiners’ Club.
Cindy was up again at 2 AM, infuriated at her mother and her older sister. They were so mean and cruel. What they’d said and done hurt so much. It was like she was a child again, subjected to their verbal beatings. The more she thought of what they had done, the angrier she became. She couldn’t stop her racing mind from obsessing on what they’d said.
She linked the episode yesterday afternoon to the thousands of times she’d felt the same pain and frustration. She wanted to beat them, even kill them, or never see them again. But they were her family and she thought she couldn’t talk back or leave them. She felt frustrated and stuck.
As the rage took her over, guilt and shame started growing. How could she feel that hateful about her family? Maybe they really were trying to help her? The more she tried to get back to sleep, the more she jumped back and forth between rage and guilt. She hadn’t seemed to make any progress in becoming a better, more spiritual person.
Cindy is stuck in “The Emotional Motivation Cycle.”
The episode yesterday was like the key that started her emotional motivational engine. And the more she thought about it, the faster ands hotter the engine went.
This cycle can be triggered by external events like Cindy’s mother and sister attacking her, or by thoughts and memories of previous episodes of harassment, blame or put-downs. Once triggered the cycle repeats and builds in intensity and speed until we are taken over by it. At 2 AM, in a half-sleep state we are most vulnerable to simply watching it run, as if on its own, and take over our minds and bodies.
Fear --> Run, Freeze --> Self-Bullying (Blame, shame guilt) --> Frustration --> Anger, Fear -->
Of course, the crucial question for each of us is, “What are the repeating stages in our cycle?” We probably know exactly which thoughts, memories and words will follow in which sequence because we’ve done it to ourselves so many times.
What’s the Purpose of the Cycle?
The purpose of the cycle is not really to make us feel angry and bad, even though it inevitably does. The purpose is to motivate ourselves to make effective action. Feeling is a tool; make us feel bad enough and we’ll finally break out of the iceberg that traps us and do something so they can’t hurt us again.
The major downsides to the Emotional Motivation Cycle method of self-motivation are that:
It can make us too depressed to act. We make ourselves feel like we did when we were children; all our strength, energy, adult wisdom, determination and skill are sucked out of us, and we feel helpless and hopeless again, like we did when we were children.
Two responses, often championed in self-help literature, do not work:
Stop thinking about it. However, ignoring the insistent call of our spirit is not effective, and who would want it to be? Our spirit wants us to do something effective; to stop bullying on our Isle of Song. Nothing less will satisfy our spirit. Why should we settle for less?
Become more spiritual, understanding, forgiving – act like the Golden Rule requires. The assumption here is that our unconditional love and perfection will convert bullies and they’ll stop abusing us. Or we’ll get into heaven faster. That’s simply not true for real-world bullies. Our spirit knows that also; that’s why it won’t stop bringing us back to the problem.
Instead, I recommend:
At 2 AM, wake up so we can be mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong, not weak. Get out of bed, eat a little chocolate, shower if you need and plan what to do to act effectively.
Then we can coach that inner voice to help us by giving us the necessary strength, courage and determination, and by helping create an effective plan.
But what if the bullies won’t like us or will think badly of us?
Who cares what jerks and sociopaths think – just stop them from abusing and harming us? We don’t owe toxic parents or relatives anything, even if they fed us when we were children. Good behavior is the price for admission to our Isle; blood, especially bad blood, doesn’t get them on our Isle. Maybe we can even measure our success by how unhappy they are?
Often, the desire to protect our children from obvious, blatant rotten behavior motivates us to break the cycle and stop the abuse.
We can train ourselves to respond to our spirit when the situation is merely an irritation or frustration. We can develop good habits that function naturally, automatically, easily. The more we start listening to our inner voice, the more we’ll respond effectively in the moment of an assault or at the first self-hating thought.
The Harry Potter series has given us many vivid and compelling images. One of my favorites is the “Dementors.”
Bullies can act like Dementors. They can torment us and suck the joy out of any wonderful moment or out of our plans for a wonderful future.
Some people also have personal, inner Dementors that suck the joy and commitment out of their lives.
In addition to the pain caused by their harassment, abuse and bullying, external Dementors are like energy vampires who can suck our will and determination. They can make us see the world as a hateful place. At home, at school, in friendships or at work, people afflicted by these bullies seem to trudge through life, waiting for the next attack even though they never know when it will come.
Usually overlooked are our personal Dementors that can whisper loudly in our ears or mind at any moment. But they’re most often active around 2 AM. Since they’re part of us, inner Dementors know our every hesitation, weakness, sin, anxiety, fear and self-judgment. They know exactly how to put us down for maximum effect. They know how to best undercut us when we feel good or to cut us down by self-bullying, negative, self-talk.
Even though we can hear those Dementors at 2 AM in our parent’s voices, we eventually discover that it’s we who are holding ourselves back and destroying our lives. It’s like that scene from “Star Wars,” in which Luke Skywalker is being trained by Yoda and he must go into a cave to fight Darth Vader. He wins the fight and rips off Darth’s helmet only to discover his own face behind the mask.
What can we do at 2 AM?
Our personal Dementors tend to come when we’re at our weakest, in that state between sleep and waking. In that fog, we’re less able to gather ourselves and resist. So a good response, when we can’t fall right back to sleep is to wake up completely. Get out of bed, take a shower; wake up.
Our “Monkey Minds” need something to pay attention to all the time so give them something useful to do. When we’re fully awake we can resist more effectively. We can see the lies in all the put-downs. We’re not really that bad. We’re only that bad when viewed through eyes that don’t love us, that hate us, including the hostile eyes many people grew up with. We can talk back to those hostile voices, send them back to the people they really belong to and let our own versions rise up and pop like bubbles in soda.
When we can look at ourselves through eyes of love and understanding, we can connect once again with our strength, courage and determination to do better. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, we can leap out of bed each morning and grab another chance to do better. No matter how many times we’ve failed, if we have another day, we can do better. We can use our caring for ourselves as a springboard to be at our best.
Some people think that fear and anger are always bad. Some people think that fear and anger can’t help stop bullies.
I disagree.
When used and directed appropriately, fear and anger can help us stop bullies in all areas of life – abusive, violent, demeaning spouses; sneaky, manipulative, toxic parents or adult children; taunting, teasing, harassing, predatory school bullies; dangerous and deadly gangs; bullying bosses or coworkers; or even our worry and anxiety about something general and more amorphous like a poor economy and no savings, no insurance and a huge mortgage payments for a house beyond our means.
Fear
Fear is a normal feeling we have in order to warn ourselves of danger. It's our way of telling ourselves to get ready, mobilize ourselves and take precautions - there might be a saber-toothed tiger lurking down the trail.
Our childhood responses were useful when we were growing up. After all, we did survive; we did live to become adults. But those over-the-top responses are no longer effective enough; they’re the down-side of allowing our fear to overwhelm us before we respond.
The key to success is to act when our warning fear is small so we can engage our brain in planning how to respond.
Anger
Anger is simply our effort to mobilize ourselves, to get us in gear to respond, to give us enough strength and power to act effectively. Most people need some amount of anger when they’re small children in order to get the big people to listen. Anger is simply motivational energy.
But if we let anger build up too much we’ll blow up and kill someone. Just like the case for fear, our childhood responses were useful when we were growing up. After all, we did survive; we did live to become adults. But those over-the-top responses are no longer effective enough; they’re the down-side of allowing our anger to overwhelm us before we respond.
If we start acting when our anger is merely irritation or frustration, we can engage our brains to develop smart, effective action. If we wait too long, we’ll make ourselves much too angry; we’ll turn to rage. We’ll explode and create a bigger mess. Or we’ll repress ourselves totally and live with those terrible consequences, such as depression and low confidence and self-esteem.
Of course, if we respond early and effectively to our hesitation, irritation and frustration in stopping bullies, we can respond more effectively. Fear and anger are simply warnings (like smoke detectors) and fuel for our engines so we can get to where we want to be. There’s nothing inherently wrong with those signals or with that fuel. As long as we act before we’re at their mercy.
Of course, our tactics will be different when we stop bullies in different situations. But once our energy, courage, determination and power are hooked up to our brains, we have a much better chance of success than if we’re overcome by fear or anger.
What if our fear or anger seems to become overwhelming instantly and we feel out of control? Actually, you’ll find it’s not instantaneous; it just seems that way because we’ve practiced soften. For some techniques to overcome worry, fear and anger, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.
One of the typical tactics of sly, sneaky, stealthy, manipulative bullies is to work in the dark; to not be seen to be bullies. Then, when a light is shined on their abusive behavior, they claim that they were just having fun; that they were just kidding around; that they didn’t know their target was offended, hurt or minded their attacks.
This tactic is used at home by bullying, toxic spouses, parents or children, and by bullies and their cliques in schools and at work.
In order to stop these bullies you must protest; you must say “No!”
Often, people decide to ignore the bullying. These targets (on their way to becoming victims):
But what if the bullying doesn’t stop? Usually, determined, relentless bullies are only encouraged by lack of resistance. They see a non-resisting target as holding up a “victim” sign and they escalate. They can’t understand the moral impetus behind such kindness. They’re bullies. They interpret our lack of push-back as fear and weakness, no matter how we interpret it. They’re encouraged to organize cliques to demean, mock, attack and hurt us more.
Other people assume that if we’re not protesting, we must know we’re in the wrong; we must deserve the treatment we’re getting. Our society saw that phenomenon when women didn’t cry “rape!”
Of course, we must also protest against abuse by overt bullies, even if that makes them feel proud. But that will get the ball rolling for our resistance.
But, if we protest, won’t the bullying get worse?
Maybe or maybe not. Remember, what happened we tried the test of not protesting? When we didn’t protest, the harassment, abuse and bullying got worse. So we might as well learn to protest effectively; the first step of which is creating records and documentation.
For some techniques to overcome worry, fear and hesitation, see the case studies in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Bullies Below the Radar: How to Wise Up, Stand Up and Stay Up,” available fastest from this web site.
If we protest, will the bullies stop?
Although there’s a guarantee that relentless bullies will escalate if we don’t protest, there’s no guarantee that simply protesting will stop them. Protesting is only the first step in responding effectively. We may need to go up to higher steps to stop a particular bully.
Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes.
But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.
To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
Micromanagers just don’t know when to let up
http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/print-edition/2010/10/29/micromanagers-just-dont-know-when-to.html
Micromanagers rarely have enough time for the important tasks. They’re too busy managing the minutiae. Of course, good managers make sure important tasks are done right. But micromanagers think everything is a priority. They can’t distinguish between what’s crucial for them to be doing with their own hands and what’s a waste of their time. They’re usually nit-picking perfectionists with all-or-none thinking.
Harry defended himself by saying that he was following rules he’d heard in training: to increase
teamwork, bring people together often; review production in your group often so you can keep people on
track; give immediate feedback in public so everyone can learn from one person’s mistakes.
Post #156 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Ignore Their Excuses, Justifications
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/02/28/stop-bullies-ignore-their-excuses-justifications/
Post #194 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop workplace bullies who beat you up with the rules
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/12/stop-workplace-bullies-who-beat-you-up-with-the-rules/
But Harry is a micromanager. Instead of making things better, he made them worse. He created frustration
and dissention and stifled his staff’s initiative.
Post #190 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Be wary of these business animals
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/09/27/be-wary-of-these-business-animals/
Read more
To read the rest of this article from the Philadelphia Business Journal, see:
Micromanagers just don’t know when to let up
http://www.bizjournals.com/philadelphia/print-edition/2010/10/29/micromanagers-just-dont-know-when-to.htm
l
Micromanagers rarely have enough time for the important tasks. They’re too busy managing the minutiae.
Of course, good managers make sure important tasks are done right. But micromanagers think everything is
a priority. They can’t distinguish between what’s crucial for them to be doing with their own hands and
what’s a waste of their time. They’re usually nit-picking perfectionists with all-or-none thinking.
Post #14 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Top ten ways to create a hostile workplace
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/02/26/top-ten-ways-to-create-a-hostile-workplace/
Post #114 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Self-Bullying Perfectionism Can Ruin Your Life
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/04/12/self-bullying-perfectionism-can-ruin-your-life/
Micromanaging is usually driven by narcissism and fear. Harry thought he was the only one who knew how
to do things right. He was afraid that if he let others forge ahead, they’d fail and his career would be
derailed. Also, he was afraid that if he gave his staff freedom, someone might outshine him.
Post #52 – BulliesBeGoneBlog 7 Signs of narcissistic control-freaks
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/02/05/7-signs-of-narcissistic-control-freaks/
Post #19 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop verbal abuse by a know-it-all-boss
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2008/03/19/stop-verbal-abuse-by-a-know-it-all-boss/
Post #117 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies at Work: Control Freaks
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2010/05/04/stop-bullies-at-work-control-freaks/
Breaking the micromanaging habit is difficult. Typically, as in Harry’s case, understanding when and why
he developed the habit didn’t change his behavior.
Post #198 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Micromanagement is a double-edged sword
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2011/10/26/micromanagement-is-a-double-edged-sword/
Post #88 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Stop Bullies: Will Knowing Why Bullies Keep Abusing Us Help Us Stop Them?
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/10/04/stop-bullies-will-knowing-why-bullies-keep-abusing-us-help-us
-stop-them/
But there was a way Harry’s manager could eliminate the high cost of Harry’s addiction to low attitudes.
She could help him change his behavior.
BulliesBeGone Books and CDs
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/products.html
All tactics are situational. Expert coaching and consulting can help you create and implement a plan
that fits you and your organization.
Post #63 – BulliesBeGoneBlog Workplace Bullying and Harassment: Recognize Common Techniques Bullies Use
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/03/25/workplace-bullying-and-harassment-recognize-common-techniques
-bullies-use/
BulliesBeGone Hire Ben
http://www.bulliesbegone.com/hire_ben.html
Everyone has moments that matter: moments when our life can go in either direction; moments when we can choose the strength to soar to heaven or the weakness to fall into hell. You know, those moments in which everything gets absolutely quiet and the air seems to pulse and throb with the power and weight of a choice that will change our life. What will we do? Which path will we choose? What will our life become?
All bullies, all targets and all witnesses have those moments when the rest of their lives hang in the balance. Will they stop bullying? Will they stop being victims of bullies or of their own self-bullying? Will they give up in defeat and despair or will they forge ahead, no matter the consequences?
These are the moments when, if we have the “Will,” we can will ourselves into wonderful futures.
Charles M. Blow reminded me of the moments of truth that I’ve seen in the lives of all the bullies and also all the targets I’ve known. He wrote a wonderful, deep, heart-felt column in the New York Times, “The Bleakness of the Bullied.”
He describes his own experience when he was eight, the subject of “relentless teasing and bullying from all directions – classmates as well as extended family.” In a pit of despair, he contemplated suicide, only to be heartened when a song, often sung by his mother, leapt to his mind, “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.”
He knew he had “to be brave and patient, that this was not to be my last night.”
Every target of bullying I’ve ever coached had a similar moment in their childhood or in our work together: A moment when they faced the bleakness of a future of continuing to be a victim or, alternatively, the brightness of standing up and fighting back in some way. In that moment, they each responded to that choice with a great surge of Will, power and energy. They fanned the spark in their heart into a fierce flame that warmed, strengthened and sustained them.
Once their Will took over their actions, despite a little anxiety, the rest was straightforward.
They would keep that flame alive by daring to protect and defend themselves; by taking the risk of creating a brilliant and wonderful future for themselves, no matter the opinions of their oppressors or the cost to the old, destructive patterns they had been mired in or the people they were related to.
In “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” available fastest from this web site, you can read about the moment I had.
Their action plans were different depending on their circumstances but they had the same Will and they learned the same skills.
I’ve seen the same moment of truth with bullies.
One former bully told me of a moment when he was about nine and was the biggest, toughest angriest kid in his class. He had thought he was simply doing what he had to do to make his place in the world. Then, a principal hauled him into his office, sat him down and told him, in so many words, that he was a bully and he had to stop or he’d be thrown out of school. He was too vicious, nasty and brutal to be allowed to continue harassing and tormenting the kids he was victimizing.
The boy was stunned. He’d never thought of himself as a bully, as vicious and nasty. And he certainly didn’t want to be thrown out of school. In that moment his heart broke open and he vowed never to be a bully again, even if he was the biggest kid in the room.
Why was that bully seeing me? He wanted to learn skills to negotiate his adult life without reverting to bullying in order to get his way. He didn’t want to be a bullying spouse, co-worker or boss. He didn’t want to be a bullying parent.
If you worry that your child will be bullied in school next school year, but you don’t know what to do until bullying happens again in September, you’re missing a golden opportunity this summer. Summer is the best time to organize in order to protect your children on day-one.
Seven tips for what you can do this summer:
Don’t wait until there’s an incident or a history of incidents.
Make sure your district administrators and school principals have clear and strongly worded policies and programs to stop school bullies. Make sure they have emergencies procedures to institute swift and effective investigation and action. Does the program start on day one? What initial assemblies will be held with students? How will they be involved in on-going programs? What training will teachers and all staff get to help them recognize and stop sneaky bullies? How will hot-spots be monitored – buses, bathrooms, lockers, hallways, cafeterias, playgrounds? What support will teachers and staff get to protect them from angry, bullying parents? How will they deal with the first boundary pushers so that the message of zero-tolerance gets out?
Learn what constitutes evidence and how to document it. Learn how to support proactive principals. Learn what you will need to do to motivate lazy, uncaring, colluding or cowardly principals. Do you know what media and legal pressure will stimulate your principal to act? Talk to a lawyer now so you’re prepared.
Publicize the policy and program before school starts. Organize parent-principal-teacher assemblies to gain buy-in to the school’s program and processes. Encourage parents to educate their children about not bullying and about what to do when they witness bullying.
Rather than buy a packaged anti-bullying program that ends up buried in a storeroom, stimulate school and district officials to create their own, based on what will be effective for your specific school situation. Expert consulting and coaching are necessary to implement an effective program.
Many bullies succeed in getting what they want by being angry. Even if they don’t hit physically, they beat their targets verbally, mentally and emotionally. And the threat of physical violence makes other people give in. These bullies have enough control that they haven’t been arrested and sent to prison. That’s why I think of their anger as a tactic.
I’ve coached many of these bullies through the stage of anger management to finally ending anger and creating a different way of Being in the world.
But let’s focus here on what the spouses of these bullies can do in order to have bully-free lives.
For many of these bullies anger is a whole way of life. Their rage is a tactic operating 24/7. No matter what’s going on, no matter what we do to try to please them, they always find something to be angry about. Any moment of peace is just the calm before the storm.
However these bullies got that way – and there are only a small number of typical scenarios – they mastered the use of anger years ago so it feels natural, like that’s who they are, like it’s their identity.
They love “revving their engines.” They feel strong and powerful when they’re angry. They always find good reasons and excuses to be angry, they always find people who are wrong and dumb in the news of the world or in their personal lives. And they always focus on what’s wrong or dumb, and respond to it by getting angry and enraged.
If something in the moment isn’t worth getting angry about, they think of bad things that happened or that might happen so they can get angry. Then they “kick the dog” – whoever happens to be around and does or says something wrong, or does or says nothing and that’s what’s wrong. You or the kids think you’re having an innocent conversation when suddenly you’re attacked for being dumb, stupid, ignorant, wrong, insulting – or simply breathing.
The attack escalates into a listing of all your faults – which loser in the family you’re just like, you’ll always be a loser, you’re lucky to be alive and with them because you’d fail without them. Their anger is never their fault; you’re always to blame. Even if they don’t brutally beat you and the kids, the verbal and emotional abuse takes its toll.
Victims feel blame, shame and guilt. Victims suffer anxiety, fear, frustration, panic and terror. They lose self-confidence and self-esteem. They feel like they have to be perfect in order to deserve good treatment. They feel isolated and helpless. Targeted children often grow up with negative self-talk and self-doubt; they often move on to self-mutilation or rage and revenge of their own. They often grow up playing out the roles of bully or victim in their marriages.
Seven tips to keep anger out of your personal space:
Don’t be an understanding therapist. Your understanding, forgiveness, unconditional love and the Golden Rule won’t change or cure them. And you’re not being paid as a therapist. Those approaches simply prolong the behavior and the typical cycle of anger and rage, followed by guilt and remorse, followed by promises and good behavior temporarily, followed by the next episode of angry and rage. Or the typical escalating spiral of anger, rage and self-righteous justification. The reason the bullying continues is not that those bullies haven’t been loved enough; it’s that the behavior is a success strategy. It’s never been stopped with strong enough consequences that the bully has enough reason to learn a new way of Being in the world.
Don’t minimize, excuse or accept justifications. See anger as a choice. If you accept that anger is a normal or appropriate response to what they’re angry at, if you accept that anger or any emotion is too big to manage (e.g., that they’re in the grips of something bigger than themselves) them you’re right back to “the devil made me do it.” That’s the same excuse, even though the modern words for “the devil” are heredity, brain chemistry, what their parents did to them, how they never learned better.
The best thing you can do to help both of you is to have consequences that matter. That’s the only way to stimulate change.
Face your fears.Don’t be defeated by defeat. Protect yourself. Be a good parent and model for yourself and your children. Emotional control – control of moods, attitudes and actions – and focus of attention are the first things we all must learn. These bullies haven’t learned. Lack of success in this area gets big, painful consequences.
Make your space anger-free. You and the children are targets, not victims. Their anger is not your fault. Dedicate yourself to protecting yourself and the children. Decide that only behavior counts, not psychoanalysis. Clear your space. Don’t give an infinite number of second chances. Either they leave or you and the kids leave, depending on the circumstances.
Promises no longer count. The lesson for your children is that when we’re very young, we get by on a lot of promises and potential, but when we become older than about 10, only performance counts. Let these bullies learn to practice changing on other people’s bodies. How much time do you need before you become convinced that they’ve faced a lot of potential triggers and mastered a different way of dealing with them? A year? Two? Three? Forever? Do this because you want and need to in order to have a chance at the happiness you want, in order to have a chance to find people who treat you the way you want.
Be smart and tactical. Of course, the longer you’ve known them, the harder it will be. Dump angry jerks on the first date; don’t hook up with them. Get legal advice. Get help and support. Get witnesses. Don’t listen to people who want you to be a more understanding therapist. File for divorce. Get custody of the children. Get the police on your side.
Post #176 – How to Know if You’re Bullied and Abused
Men aren’t the only angry bullies. We all know about angry, vicious women on dates or in marriage. There are clichés about venomous wives and mothers-in-law because there are so many. Everything I’ve said applies to them also.
At work, angry, bullying bosses and co-workers are also clichés because there are so many. Anger often succeeds at work. Both the feeling of power and the success at making people do what bullies want function as aphrodisiacs. And the addiction must be fed.
Be strong nside. Ask for what you want. You’ll get what you’re willing to put up with. So only put up with good behavior.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of people commanding themselves, stopping bullying and getting free. For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
During the typical arguing and fighting leading up to deciding to divorce and during the divorce process itself, what should and shouldn’t you tell the kids? When you think there’s still a chance to salvage the marriage, should you tell them nothing is wrong so they don’t worry? Should you re-assure them that you and your spouse will be together forever? In a nasty divorce, should you tell them what a rat your soon-to-be ex-spouse really is? How can you protect the kids from being scarred and totally messed up later?
Whatever you decide, you must deal with each child and situation as unique and design your answer to deal with each child’s questions in an age appropriate way. And keep adjusting as they grow older.
Think of the process as your needing to peel layers off the children’s concerns. One concern will lead to another or maybe you’ll return to a previous one. Saying something one time will not be enough. You’ll have to return to some issues, depending on the individual, many times. But don’t make a problem where the child isn’t.
If it’s an ugly situation, don’t pretend that your ex is perfect. Be truthful and distinguish between what behavior the kids can count on and what’s just your opinion. Always ask them to check things out for themselves; like little scientists. Help them think of reasonable tests; who keeps promises, who’s on time, who are they afraid of, who can they rely on, who blames, shames and guilt-trips?
Some guidelines, not rigid rules:
Don’t allow the “Big Lie.” When the children sense that there’s frustration and tension that sometimes boils over into anger, bullying, abuse or violence don’t deny their kid-radar. Don’t tell them everything’s fine and that they’re wrong. The most important verification they need is that they’re sensing and seeing reality. They must know that there is trouble and that they can sense it. For example, “Yes, you’re very smart, you can sense what’s going on and your radar is accurate. That skill will help you the rest of your life. Sometimes, I don’t tell you what’s happening or why, because I want to keep it private or maybe you’re too young to understand yet or I don’t want to upset you unduly. But I want you to ask me if you worry about anything.”
The most important assurance they need is that they can be fine. For example, “I know this can be scary and hard and you’ll have lots of questions. Over time, I’ll answer them as best I can as we work out our new living arrangements. But the most important thing is that you dedicate yourselves to having great lives. Never let anything get in the way of that. No matter how scared or upset you might get, overcome it. Make sure that you’ll look back on this tough time as just a speed bump in your lives. Make sure that you’re not bothered much by it. Your parents’ fights have nothing to do with you. You’re not the cause of them. You’re fine. We just don’t get along. Your job is to grow up and get independent and find someone you will get along with. And that this tough time isn’t a big deal in your life.”
Help them overcome uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, fear and panic. Assure them that you’ll always care for them and take care of them, in whatever way you can. For example, “We’ll figure out how to be together and be safe and have good times. I’ll always see that you have the things and the opportunities you really need. It’s always hard when we’re in a transition or in limbo waiting to see what will happen and you don’t have control. Your job is to focus on what’s most important for you right now and that’s not the emotional turmoil you’re living in. The turmoil isn’t your doing. Your job is to take charge of what you have control over; your moods and attitudes and efforts, which means school. Make this turmoil as small and colorless in your life as you can. Don’t step into it; stay outside of it. This is good training for you in mental and emotional-control. These are the number one skills you need to learn in order to be successful later in life.”
Help them deal with mean, nasty kids who taunt, harass or cut them out. For example, begin with developing their inner strength, “Not having as much money as we did or having some other kids act mean because your parents are divorcing is not really important. You can be invulnerable. You may feel like you need to be liked or be friends with those kids now, but when you’re out of school, with 70 years of life ahead of you, you won’t care what those kids think. You won’t want to be friends with those kids. More important, you’ll see that they’re acting like jerks and you’ll decide never to care what jerks think. You’ll have the freedom to go anywhere and be with anyone so, of course, you’ll choose to be with people who love and like you, appreciate and respect you, and who treat you better.” Follow up by making sure the school principal stops this bullying.
Some other questions they might have are: Are all marriages doomed, will I choose the wrong person just like you did, will we kids be split up, can I stay at the same school, will my other parent move far away so I never see them again, whose fault is it, do I have to take sides, will I still have grandparents, will I still get birthday and Christmas presents, can I use guilt or my temper tantrums to manipulate you, will I still have to brush my teeth? Don’t give into them or give them everything they want because you feel guilty, want them to like you more or think their lives are too hard.
Don’t use your kids as your best friends, confidants or therapists. Don’t use them to comfort yourself or as pawns in a vicious struggle. They’re your kids; they’re not adults or lovers. Take your emotional pain and baggage somewhere else. You have to be a responsible adult, no matter how difficult that is. If you can’t, you should consider making safer arrangements for them. For example, “This is too painful for me to talk about. Sometimes I get tired and stressed out, and I blow up or lose it. I don’t mean to. When I’m like that, don’t take anything I say seriously. Suggest that I need a time out. Your job, children, is to look away and focus on your own tasks so you can have great lives as you grow up. No matter how hard it is, you have to focus on school and getting skills so you can take care of yourselves when you’re adults. That’s what’s important. Your future is what’s most important to me.”
The big message is about the wonderful future they can have. The big message is that they can/should/must decide to let this roll off their backs. Even though it’s happening to them, they can be resilient. They can move beyond it and create wonderful lives for themselves.
We adults make a mistake if we worry that when bad things happen, the children are automatically guaranteed to have huge problems later in life. Looking at them as too fragile and helpless to resist the effects of a difficulty, divorce or trauma is like giving them a terrible thought virus. It’s easy for them to catch that virus.
Actually, our responsibility is to protect them from that too common virus. For example, they might tend to worry that since a classmate is so traumatized because their parents are divorcing they’ll be messed up also. You might say, “No. You’re strong and wise and brave and you have me to keep reminding you that you’ll be fine. Stop bullying yourself. Take power over yourself. So choose to be fine; dedicate and discipline yourself. Choose to be successful, no matter what. That’s my wish for you.”
Tell them stories about ancestors or great people who overcame the same or even worse situations in childhood. For example, “Don’t be victims of what happens to you. Be one of the ‘Invulnerables.’ Did you know that a study of 400 great people born in the 19th and early 20th centuries found that most of these people had absolutely horrible childhoods? Yet they were not destroyed by what had happened; they were invulnerable. They became much stronger. They had great lives – including wonderful marriages. You too, my beloved children, can choose that path for yourselves. Please do.”
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids” have many examples of kids growing up under very difficult situations and learning to take command of themselves. For personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
Relentless beatings. These instill fear and terror. Children can become convinced they’re always wrong and the price for mistakes is high; maybe even maiming or death. The result can be adults who’re afraid to make decisions, assert or defend themselves, think they’re worthy of respect or good treatment. The result can be adults who expect to be bullied, punished, abused or even tortured.
Relentless and personal criticism, hostility and questioning. The results can be the same as relentless beatings. Kids grow up thinking that no one will help or protect them. Emotional beating can leave even deeper scars. Adults often have mental and emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, personality disorders, self-mutilation and suicide.
The “Big Lie:” “You don’t know what’s really happening.”
The first two seem fairly obvious and much has been written on them. Let’s focus on the Big Lie.
Kids have emotional radar. They’re born with the ability to sense what’s going on. Their survival depends on knowing who’s friendly or hostile, who’s calm or angry, who’s reliable and trustworthy, and who’s liable to explode without obvious provocation. They know who’s nice and who hurts them. They sense when their parents or family are happy or angry.
The effects of being consistently told that they’ve gotten it wrong can be just as devastating as physical or emotional brutality. For example:
When kids sense that their parents are angry at each other, but they’re told that the family is loving and caring they learn to distrust their kid-radar.
When they’re yelled at, teased, taunted or brutalized, when they’re subjected to bullying, they know it hurts. But when they’re told that the parent cares about them or loves them, or that they’re too sensitive, they start to distrust their own opinions.
When they can never predict what’s right or wrong, they can grow up thinking they’re evil, stupid or crazy.
When they’re constantly challenged with, “Prove it. You don’t know what’s really happening. How could you think that; there’s something wrong with you. If you were loving, grateful, caring, you wouldn’t think that way about your parent or family.”
How do you know if you’re a victim of that early treatment? In addition to your history, the tests are your thoughts, feelings and actions now:
Do you consistently doubt yourself? Do you even doubt that you see reality? Do you think that other people know better about you than you know about yourself?
Are you indecisive and insecure? Do you worry, obsess or ruminate forever? Do you solicit all your friends’ opinions about what you should do or just one friend who seems to be sure they know what’s best? Do you consistently look for external standards or experts to tell you what’s right or proper? Do you complete quick tests of ten or twenty questions that will tell you the truth about yourself?
Do you feel bullied but you’re not sure that you are? Do you let other people tell you about what’s too sensitive or what’s reasonable or “normal?”
Do you think you have to deserve or be worthy of good treatment, or that you have to be perfect according to someone else before they should treat you the way you want to be treated? Are you filled with blame, shame and guilt? Do you think that if you were only kinder, nicer, more understanding and more caring, if you asked just right or compromised every time you’d finally get treated the way you want?
Do you struggle to get the respect and appreciation you want?
Of course, we all have moments when we’re unsure, but if you’re consistently insecure or insecure consistently with one or two people then you may have a deep-seated problem.
If you answered “yes” to many of these questions, you may need expert coaching. All tactics are situational, so we’ll have to go into the details of specific situations in order to design tactics that fit you and the other people involved.
We don’t need more research and statistics to know that domestic violence is a travesty and must be stopped. For example, watch the graphic five minute video about the effects of that brutality and the work of one safe house helping women and children. Domestic violence is obvious – you can see the results of physical battering.
On the other hand, even though domestic bullying and mental and emotional abuse are more wide spread than overt beating they’re often hidden from view. Since harassment, bullying and abuse often fly below the bullying-radar of the targets and the public, I want to focus on it here. Targets who accept the bullies’ promises or threats or on-going torture often don’t recognize how bad it is; how demoralizing and defeating it is; how their souls are being eroded over time.
Of course, some men are bullied by women, but notice the patterns of the bullied women who have written these (edited) comments:
“Out of the blue, he started taking control over me (commanding me), which I am not liking. He is not letting me meet my friends or go out with them on weekends. He doesn’t let me wear dresses, saying his parents don’t like it. I am not allowed to do anything; no friends, no meeting people, no phones, nothing. These things were never an issue previously. I tried to work out things during last five months by listening to him and not meeting or talking to my friends. He just keep saying ‘Listen to me and things will work out; otherwise pack your bags and leave.’ He doesn’t let me go out anywhere without him. He doesn’t want to sort it out by talking. Whenever I try, he says, ‘I am not here to listen to you. You have to do whatever I say. I don’t want to hear a ‘No’. Now, I am always depressed and sad and smoke a lot more. I lost my smile. I lost myself in this relation. Shall I give up or keep compromising without any expectations in this relationship?”
“I have been in a four year relationship, and have a two year-old daughter with him. I have been feeling depressed lately and having second thoughts about us being together. He controls me. I can’t go any where without asking him first. Sometimes I feel like a little kid asking for permission, even if it’s to go to the store. My friends ask me to go out for a girls’ night and he gets mad if I mention it, so I stopped asking and him and just tell my friends I’m doing something that night so I can’t go. Now, they don’t even ask me anymore. When his friends are here he acts like he’s so cool and even yells at me in front of them. It’s extremely embarrassing. I feel alone. I tried leaving in the past and he won’t let me take the baby. So I stay because I don’t want to fight and I’m not leaving my child. What do I do? How do I make it an easy break up? How do we get out?”
“At first my husband was the sweetest man I ever met. He complimented me and had such great manners. Then slowly but surely he began changing into the worst thing I could ever imagine. The sick thing is I know I don't deserve it, but I can't leave. It's like he has some strange control over me. He constantly puts me down about my intelligence, appearance and my mothering abilities, which hurts the most. It’s such an everyday obstacle that I find myself questioning why I stay. It's gotten so bad I'm beginning to believe the things he says to me about how I'm useless and no one will ever want me but him. Every bad thing that happens, he takes out on me. Every single thing is my fault. I want to leave but I still find myself staying, feeling bad for him and his feelings. He can't even compliment at all without letting me know that I'm ugly and lucky he even loves me. I'm just so sad anymore. I don't even recognize myself. I'm not allowed to speak to my family or friends. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost.”
“My husband and I have been together for eleven years with four children. We go through the cycle of an abusive relationship. Every time we argue, I get called a ‘bitch,’ which I have asked him many times to not do. We kiss and make up. Then everything's fine and dandy again. He doesn't like to talk about our fights and says he will not name-call me again. But every opportunity he gets, he's right at it again. I guess I keep hoping he'll change, but I know he never will. I don't feel any love from this guy. He has fooled around on me and even went as far as marrying someone else while we were married. Just recently he took my wedding ring away and threatened to pawn it. He also promised my kids that he'll take them on a vacation. He doesn’t even work, so I ended up having to get funds just to take the kids on the vacation. Today, we fought again and he said sorry and he'll start today on not calling me a bitch. Then ten minutes later it happened again. I feel so stuck. I feel as my only way out is suicide. But I don't want to give him that satisfaction. All I did today was cry. And I don't even have anyone to talk to because everyone is sick of hearing me cry over him.”
He commands, bosses and embarrasses her in public. She submits because she wants to avoid bigger fights. She hopes that since she gave in this time, he’ll be nicer next time. But he’s relentless in arguing, bullying and abusing; he never stops. If he doesn’t beat her, the threat is there.
When she’s nice and logical – discussing, asking, compromising, begging, arguing, appeasing – she may get peace because he’s gotten his way, but it’s only momentary. Her good behavior doesn’t buy his in return. He never reciprocates by letting her have her way next time. Eventually, she submits completely and asks permission to do anything. He’s in complete control. When he’s mean, angry or out of control, it’s her fault because she isn’t perfect. It’s as if, “Since he’s angry, you must have done something wrong.”
She’s mocked, criticized, demeaned and humiliated until she doesn’t know what to believe. She thinks she’s helpless and wouldn’t be loved or succeed on her own. He’s so convinced and convincing that she begins to question herself, increasing her self-doubt, stress, anxiety and insecurity. Eventually, the results of emotional and spiritual defeat are physical defeat and sickness. Even though she knows she doesn’t deserve such treatment, she usually has some self-doubt and guilt. She makes many attempts to be perfect according to his standards. She forgets that it’s her standards that should matter to her.
Step by step, she’s isolated – cut off from friends, family and sources of her own income. She loses her old self; she loses her confidence and self-esteem; she becomes depressed, heart-broken and ready to give up.
It’s even worse if there are children she thinks she’ll have to support if she leaves. Eventually, she begins to think like a victim – she can’t see how to get safe house help, legal help or the police on her side.
These targets keep hoping they’ll find some magic wand to change him; he’ll become a loving, caring, nice and reasonable person. But that’s not going to happen.
Or they think that the most important value is making a marriage last even though it’s a marriage of torture. Or that what matters is whether he loves her or not, when what really matters is how he loves her.
Those abusive, bullying control-freaks always interpret their target’s kindness, reasonableness and compromise as weakness and an invitation to take more from them, to control more of their lives, to eat them alive.
Ultimately, these women get the worst that they’re willing to put up with. And eventually, the price they pay is slow erosion of their souls.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of people commanding themselves, stopping bullying and getting free. For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
Theresa Marchetta, Investigative Reporter for Denver ABC-TV station, KMGH-TV reports in an article and video on a two more incidents in different Denver area schools in which principals made the bullied girls (aged 7 and 12) do all the changing while nothing happened to the bullies. They were clear cases of, “Blame the victim, avoid the bully.”
This, parents’ say, despite the clear policies the school districts involved already have to protect their kids
Clearly, even if there are laws (which there often aren’t), even if there are policies (which there often aren’t), even if there are handbooks (which there often aren’t); that’s not enough. Obviously, it takes more than pieces of paper to stop bullying.
Of course, that means that principals must be willing to stop difficult children and often resist their bullying fathers and mothers who threaten to sue the principal and school district administrators. Principals know where bullying kids learned to bully.
The second obvious solution is to require principals and district administrators to stop bullies or be fired. That will give them the impetus to stand up for what they know is right.
We all know the consequences of allowing bullies to get away with maybe a lecture (if even that) and then allowing them continued contact with their targets, the bullying and violence will increase.
Whatever their reasons, excuses and justifications, would you want to pay those principals to be responsible for your children’s safety? I wouldn’t.
Colorado Senate is currently considering a bill to start fighting bullying. According to District 30 House Representative Kevin Priola, “School should be a safe place where kids can go and excel and learn to do reading, writing and math and not have to worry about fear of intimidation.”
Wheat Ridge Rep. Sue Schafer said, “Most importantly, there is research showing that when there is a high level of safety, the CSAP scores go up. Conversely, low safety, CSAP scores go down. This bill is going to raise the awareness of our school boards and our administrators that this has become a serious problem and our bill asks or encourages every school district to do a climate survey.”
The bill doesn’t go far enough or fast enough for the parents of the two girls, who need effective action from their principals right now.
Do we have to decide that a bully is bad, evil and unredeemable in order to stop them or get them out of our lives? Do we have to be judgmental in order to act – to kick someone out of school, to divorce someone, to sever a relationship, to put someone in prison?
Many people think they’d have to be much too judgmental and punitive in order to act. After all, we don’t know the heart of someone since we can’t really walk in their shoes, and we don’t know who can be transformed or redeemed.
But is that way of looking at bullies true or useful?
Do we have to wait until we’re sure that a bully is evil and unredeemable before we can act? Is it wrong to be so judgmental about a person’s character? Can we say that our standards are so much better when someone else has such different ones?
I think that those are the wrong questions. They’re not questions that will help us; instead they get us into unanswerable philosophic discussions.
I think more useful questions are: “What actions from whom are we willing to have in our environment? What are we willing to do to remove people who act in ways that are painful, demeaning, denigrating, abusive and bullying?”
By using these criteria about actions, we’re not making any judgment about the person’s character or identity – are they good or bad, are they evil? We’re not hallucinating about the possibility of their rehabilitation and redemption in the future. We’re simply deciding what behavior we’ll accept in our personal environment.
Doesn’t that change things? What happens to the hesitation, stress and anxiety in trying to figure out what’s the “Right” thing to do? What happens to the fear and worry about misjudging someone?
It’s not a matter of being judgmental; it’s simply a matter of choosing how to live in our personal space. Once we choose our personal standards, we can pay attention to other people’s actions; not their reasons, excuses or justifications; not their character, true identity or the state of their soul; not some grandiose judgment about whose culture is superior.
If or when bullies change their behavior, we can decide how many times we have to see them act decently or over how long a span before we give them more chances to get close. Or maybe, we’ll never let them get close again.
We’re not required to share time and space with anyone now, no matter what our previous relationship was or how much they want to see us now. Their desire to date us doesn’t alter our freedom to say, “Not interested. Go be happy somewhere else.”
We don’t have to have good, logical reasons. We don’t have to figure out what the “Right” action is. We don’t have to justify our decisions. We can just be with the people we feel like because we want to.
It’s not a judgment about them; it’s about how compatible we feel or the dangers and risks we want to take or just because “We wanna or we don’t wanna.” And we get total control over these choices because it’s about us; not them. There are no outside rules or social codes that force us to do what we’re not comfortable with.
So keep it simple. No great philosophical questions; no questions about character, identity or future possibilities, no questions about good or evil, no questions about future possibilities of redemption: only questions about the behavior we want in our personal environment or the behavior we won’t tolerate.
With expert coaching and consulting, we can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying. We can overcome childhood rules and simply take charge of our personal choices. We can become strong and skilled enough to resist being coerced by bullies into doing what we don’t want. We can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of adults getting over their early training and creating the environment and life they want. For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
Sometimes toxic parents think they have us over a barrel even after we’ve grown up, gotten physically and financially independent, and started our own family. They count on our loyalty to some ideal of “family” no matter how badly they treated and still treat us. They count on our self-bullying and guilt. They count on us still trying to jump through their hoops to win their love and approval... They count on our fear that they’ll manipulate the rest of the family into thinking we’re ungrateful and bad. And they often count on our enduring the verbal and emotional abuse so we can inherit our share of their fortune.
Of course, I’m talking about those toxic parents who are still blaming everything on us and abusing us because “It’s your fault” or “You are selfish, ungrateful and don’t deserve any better” or “It’s your duty to do what they want in their old age.” They’re the toxic parents who know our every weakness and sensitivity, and still poke them hard when they want too; still find fault with every little thing we do; still compare us unfavorably to someone else or to their standards; still criticize, belittle and harass us and our spouse and our children in public or they’re the sneaky ones who criticize, demean and denigrate us in private but pretend they love us in public so everyone thinks they’re wonderful, loving parents.
Of course, we’ve tried everything we can think of, but the negativity, harassment, criticism, blame, shame, bullying and abuse haven’t stopped. We’ve tried to do exactly what they want, but it’s never enough. We’ve apologized and pleaded with them to stop, but that just makes them act nastier. We’ve gotten angry and threatened not to see them, but they broke down in such tears of distress we felt guilty or they blamed on us even more or they acted nice for a few minutes but, when we relaxed, they attacked us more about something different they didn’t like.
So what can we do now?
For the sake of peace and quiet in the whole family, we could keep trying to endure the abuse while begging them to stop. After all, we never know; if we only kept trying, if we only did enough, they might change. Also, they might leave us in the will. And it’d be our fault if we quit too soon. Many people fly low until they have children and see their toxic parents either criticizing and emotionally abusing their children or belittling and criticizing them while being sweet to the grandchildren.
We might continue objecting and arguing; enduring our frustration and anger. Usually this tactic repeats endlessly and often spirals out of control. Relentlessly toxic parents won’t admit they’re wrong and give up. Eventually they’ll escalate and cut us out of the will.
We might try withdrawing for a while; not seeing them, telling them we won’t return emails and calls, and then carrying through. People usually shift from the first two tactics to this one when they see the effect of their toxic parents on their own children. This tactic sometimes convinces nasty, mean, bullying parents that they’d better change their ways or they’ll lose contact with their grandchildren. But the relentlessly toxic parents don’t care. They’re sure they’re fine and they’re sure they’ll win if they push hard enough, like they’ve always won in the past. So they don’t change and we go back to arguing or we give up or we finally respond more firmly.
The next step is to withdraw for a long time, maybe forever – no contact. It’s sad but we have to protect the family we’re creating from our own predatory parents. It’s usually both scary and very exciting. Most people, despite any guilt they feel, also feel a huge surge of relief, as if a giant weight or a fire-breathing dragon has been removed from their shoulders. Our spouse and children may celebrate. Get out of town, go on a vacation, turn the phones and email off.
What to expect and how to respond?
They’ll attack when we withdraw. Expect them to make angry calls and send hostile emails. Save these on an external drive or a cheap recorder before deleting them. They want to engage us, so do not engage endlessly and fruitlessly; no return calls or emails, no hateful or vindictive responses. We’ve only gotten to this point because they haven’t changed after many approaches and warnings. We might have to change our phone numbers to unlisted ones and change our email addresses.
They’ll rally the extended family. Prepare by making cue cards of what to say; no excuses or justifications. Just tell the family what you said and did, and what you plan. Ask them not to intervene. Tell them we’d like to see them but only if our toxic parents are not present. We’re sorry they’re caught in the middle but that’s life. They do have to choose who to believe and what behavior to support. Be prepared to withdraw from anyone who attacks or interferes.
They’ll disinherit us. When they can’t manipulate us through love, blame, shame and guilt, they’ll try greed. If we don’t do what our toxic parents want right now, they’ll cut us out of the will. Don’t be a slave to greed; it’s a deadly sin. If we want to have a bully-free family life, we’ll have to make it on our own. The real benefit is not merely ending the brutality, it’s the strength of character and the skills we gain when we make decisions for ourselves and chart our own course in the world. We’ll end the negativity, stress, anxiety and depression usually caused by toxic parents. We’ll develop the strength, courage, determination, perseverance and resilience we all need to make wonderful lives. We’ll be able to express our passion and joy without cringing, waiting for the next blow to fall.
We’ll have an empty space in our lives. Even more than the empty physical space we’ll now have at the times when we used to get together with our toxic parents, we’ll have a huge mental and emotional space. How many hours have we wasted thinking about our parents, worrying about the next episode, dreading what might happen next, agonizing over what to do. We don’t have to do that any more. Of course, being weaned from an old habit takes a little time. We must be gentle with ourselves. Focus on the freedom we now have. Now we can think about the things we want to think about; not about pain and suffering, not about past failures. Now we have space to bring into our lives people who will be part of the tribe of our heart and spirit.
Our children will wonder why. Tell the kids in a way that’s age appropriate. Are we protecting them from the verbal abuse of their toxic grandparents or from lies that paint us as bad people? They’ll want to know what’s going to stay the same. Will they have fun, celebrate holidays, get presents, have extended family?
The most important lessons we offer our children are not through books and lectures. Those are important, but the most important ones are the ones they see in our behavior when we’re models of behavior we want them to learn.
Be a model for them of someone who protects himself and them from anyone who would target them, even someone who’s close by blood. Being close by behavior counts more than blood. Show them not to be victimized even by blood relations.
Show them to how to be the hero of their lives.
With expert coaching and consulting, we can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation. We can overcome the voices of our fears and self-bullying. We can overcome childhood rules to endure whatever bullying and abuse our toxic parents dish out simply because they’re our parents. We can become strong and skilled enough to stop bullies in their tracks – even if those bullies are blood relatives.
“How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” has many examples of children and adults getting over their early training and freeing themselves from toxic relationships. For more personalized coaching call me at 877-8Bullies (877-828-5543).
You may be the target of a bully, but you don’t have to be a victim.
Bullies can go after you in many ways; physically harming you or threatening to hurt you; inflicting emotional pain through harassment, relentless criticism, taunting, put-downs, cutting out, manipulation, controlling, back-stabbing, spreading rumors, telling secrets, embarrassing you or generally mean behavior; cyberbullying.
In all these situations, the first step in defending yourself and in stopping bullies is the same and always has been. This is the first step, even before you use any programs that are designed to stop bullies in schools or at work.
For instance, we can go back to Homer’s “Odyssey.” At the end, after Odysseus and his son, Telemachus, have killed all the abusive suitors, they flee with two faithful servants to the mountain home of Odysseus’ father, Laertes. They know they will pursued by all the older men of the city, the fathers and uncles of the dead suitors.
In the final confrontation, hopelessly outnumbered, Laertes kills the father of the most evil suitor. Odysseus loses control of himself and goes berserk. He advances in a murderous rage to kill all the fathers and uncles.
Athena suddenly appears and speaks the words that that exemplify a central belief of the Greeks about how to face whatever the world throws at you – whether overwhelming odds, verbal and physical abuse, unfairness, your fear and hesitation, your loss of self-control, bullies.
Take Athena’s command out of context – it’s not about the trigger; it’s about your necessary first step in response to any situation.
Athena says, “Odysseus! Command yourself!” And when Athena commands, we best listen.
There it is; the key to all success; the start of everything we must do – “Command yourself.”
Don’t give in to your racing mind – when your reasoning and logic might talk you out of following your accurate intuition, might discourage and depress you into giving up or might spook and panic you into doing something dumb.
Don’t give in to your lust or greed or laziness or any other of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Begin by commanding yourself. In Odysseus’ case, commanding himself meant not starting a bloodbath, which would lead to generations of vendettas that would ruin the country.
In the case of facing a bully, we must take charge of ourselves, gather ourselves and command ourselves. Even when we don’t know how things will turn out, we do know that we want to act bravely, resolutely and greatly. Therefore, command yourself and go for it; 110%.
If we give in to fear, anxiety, perfectionism and self-doubt, we’ll do nothing to protect ourselves – we’ll become victims of our own panic and terror. If we give in to anger and rage, we’ll explode, act unskillfully and do things we’ll regret. If we don’t command ourselves, we’ll lose confidence and self-esteem; we’ll get depressed and become easy victims of the predators.
If we don’t command ourselves, nothing we do will have the power and energy needed to succeed. We’ll be weak, hesitant, vacillating. We’ll become victims. We’ll take our first steps down the path to suicide.
We can become strong and skilled enough to resist being targeted by bullies and to stop bullies in their tracks. We can look at individual situations and plan tactics that are appropriate to us and to the situation.
When we command ourselves, we can overcome whatever confronts us. We will let nothing crush us; our spirits will remain strong. We can plan and take charge of our actions. We can act with strength, courage and skill. We can act with perseverance and resilience. We can get the help we need. We can succeed.
In the first scene of “The Last Samurai,” starring Tom Cruise and Ken Watanabe, the Samurai has a dream in which he sees the tiger coming for him. He doesn’t know what it means, but he knows that it is important.
Later, in the first battle, where the Samurai army overwhelms the poorly trained Imperial troops, the Samurai sees Captain Algren (Tom Cruise) wounded but fighting with the lance holding a flag that has the same tiger on it. The Samurai watches God favor Algren. Algren kills another Samurai who is by far a superior sword fighter. At that moment, the Samurai could let the others kill Algren, which would be the normal course of events. But he stops them.
The Samurai realizes that his destiny has just called to him. He doesn’t know the future, but he senses that his destiny is calling him. He spares Algren’s life and has him taken with them.
At that moment, he can’t know that Algren will come to respect and honor them, he can’t know that Algren will become one of them, he can’t know that Algren will save him from the evil minister’s plot to have him assassinated, he can’t know that Algren will help him fight and die gloriously, he can’t know that Algren will present his sword to the Emperor and that the Emperor will finally listen.
At that moment, all he can know is that his destiny is calling to him. And he chooses to hold the door open for his destiny to be slowly and eventually revealed.
As he says, “A man does what he can until his destiny is revealed to him.”
Whether we refer to it as a call to our destiny or a call for us to take up a quest, a hero’s path, we must hold the door open, we must let our destiny in or we must walk through and follow the path to our destiny. If we don’t open the door to our destiny, if we turn our backs because we don’t recognize it or are afraid to grasp it, our lives will turn into ashes, parched and burned, sifting through our fingers.
And we must follow our destiny even though we can’t know what the future holds. Winston Churchill said, “It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time.”
The Samurai reached for his destiny not knowing what it would be.
Stop for a moment. When has your destiny called, especially in unexpected ways? When have you had a sense that a new and glorious and possibly frightening future has called to you? When have you turned away? When has your reason or your fear turned you away from what your guts and accurate intuition wanted you to heed?
And what might happen now if you started listening for your destiny’s call? What might happen if you vowed to heed the call next time, to reach out and grasp your destiny, one link at a time?
Expert coaching can help you distinguish your destiny, the call of your accurate intuition from the call of your fears or your wishful thinking or other peoples “purpose” for you. Expert coaching can help you overcome the voices of your fears, guilt and self-bullying. Expert coaching can help you develop a plan that honors the commitments and responsibilities you still want to honor.
Reach for your destiny; reach all the way. Choose whether to live a selfish, shabby, sordid story or a great and worthy story. Be the hero of your life.
In their New York Times column, “From Dangerous Home to Safe House,” Amelia Duchon-Voyles, with Liz Welch, describes how Amilia helped a woman and child escape from a bullying and domestic violence situation. They also described the mother’s progress toward standing up to her batterer and to establishing a steady life for her and her son.
Good for all of them. Their individual efforts, in emergencies, under duress, save lives.
Some ideas for the targets of domestic violence are:
Don’t remain a victim. Whatever your second thoughts, stop the harassment, bullying, abuse and domestic violence by getting away safely. If you’re threatened, beaten, terrorized or abused, get away. Don’t live in fear. Don’t allow your children to grow up in fear. In your heart of hearts you know that if you stay, you’re dooming your babies to a life of pain, stress and anxiety; negativity and depression; low self-confidence and self-esteem; increased chance of addiction, alcoholism and suicide.
Find a safe house and helpers to get you away and to start a new and better life. Seize any window of opportunity; you don’t need a plan with all the details worked out. From a safe house you can make and carry out a better plan than you can when you’re terrified.
Don’t worry about the stuff you leave behind. It’s got his cooties on them. You’ll get new. More important than any attachment you or your children might have to the stuff, is the value of being free to breathe deeply again, to laugh and sing and dance with abandon, and to plan for a great future.
Your children need your good example more than they need his bullying, abusive presence and any benefits you imagine of growing up with a bully for a father. They need to be away from the fear. The boys need to learn that bullying and violence won’t be tolerated or get them what they want. The girls need to learn that they don’t have to tolerate abuse and battering.
Get stable over time. You can get education, skills and a job or career to make a life in which you can get your own place. Start stable routines for the kids. Convince them that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Tell them hero/heroine stories. Even though it takes time and hard work, they can be fine as adults – successful people and good parents.
Be courageous, take the risk. Your future, your children’s future is calling to you to make your lives better. No matter what you say, if you stay your babies will believe your example. They’ll think that being a bully or being a victim are acceptable ways to go through life. Set a good example for your children.
Parents who bully children, and parents who bully and abuse each other are all too common, but an often unrecognized bullying situation is teenagers who bully their parents, especially their single parents.
Of course, teenage girls can be manipulative bullies, but for a typical example, let’s focus on a 19 year-old boy who is mentally and physically capable of being independent but who’d rather sponge off his mother and lead an easy life at home. He’s not working enough to support himself, he’s not succeeding in full-time school and he’s not struggling sixteen hours a day to become an Olympic champion. He’s merely hanging out trying to have a good time every moment.
They’re good at arguing. They want to convince you that “love” and “support” mean that you give them money. You have to love and give to them, but they don’t have to give anything in return. Their hidden assumption is that if you can’t make them agree with any changes, they don’t have to change. They’re masters of whining, complaining and blaming others, especially you, for their problems.
They’re great emotional blackmailers: “A good, loving mother would take care of me while I’m getting it together. A caring mom would help me.” They’re also master manipulators of your fear that, if you don’t cater to them, they’ll fail in life and it’ll be your fault, not theirs: “I need your love to keep me away from bad company. If you kick me out, I’ll be emotionally damaged.” They’ll subtly hint that they’ll commit suicide if you don’t coddle them. They always have a friend who has a “good mother” taking care of him.
Your caring and fear make their arguments seductive. No matter how much you had to struggle on your own to be successful, it’s easy to think that if you only give them one more chance, they’ll finally wake up and get it. So you give him one more chance – over and over and over.
Popular culture also makes their arguments seductive. Most people have been raised to think that loving your child (“mother’s love”) means giving them what they want.
In my experience, one path in dealing with healthy, intelligent teenage boys almost guarantees failure. That’s the path of giving them what they want. The more you let them leech off your energy, wallet and good will, the softer they’ll become, the harder it will be for them to become strong and independent, the greater the chances that they’ll fall in with other lazy losers. The more you give them, the more lazy, entitled and spoiled they’ll become.
In my experience, the path that has the greatest probability of success is to kick those little birds out of the nest before they grow too big for their fledgling wings. They’ve already grown too big for the nest. In order to fly, they need to strengthen their wings by use under pressure and stress.
Of course there’s a risk. They might fail and turn to drugs, booze or burglary to support themselves. They might give in to depression. But, in my experience, staying home wouldn’t prevent that. Leeching off you will only make them weaker.
Confidence and self-esteem are developed by succeeding at real and difficult challenges in which there’s a chance of failing. Staying at home avoids important, meaningful challenges.
Some of the things to say to them when you tell them they’re moving out, depending on the circumstances, are:
“I know that inside you, you have this great one of you struggling to take charge of your life. Now’s your chance for that ‘you’ to take over. Struggle and succeed. I’d rather you struggle and prove me wrong while hating me, than that you love me and stay here as a whining, complaining loser.” Use the word “loser” a lot. Challenge them to prove you wrong.
“This is not a discussion or a debate; you don’t get to vote. This is definitely not fair according to you. I know you think I don’t understand your side of it or how hard it is in today’s economy, but that’s the way it is. I’m protecting myself from my own flesh and blood, who’d suck me dry if I let him. You can try to argue but it won’t change anything. It’ll just waste your time. If you threaten me or damage the house, I’ll call the police and there’ll be no going back.” Don’t engage in debate. Walk away.
“I love you and this is scary for me, but that fear won’t stop me. If you become a loser, just like (fill in the blank), I’ll be sad and cry that you wasted your life, but I won’t feel guilty. I won’t regret what I’m doing.” Then walk away.
“I’m going to have a joyous, good time in my life. After you move out, if you make it fun for me, I’ll take you out to a restaurant sometimes or have you over for a good meal. But if you nag at me and make it a rotten time, I won’t want to waste my time with you. Your job is to make it fun for me to be with you. Yes, that’s blackmail. You pay for my attention, kindness and money. Be the nicest to people who are closest. Be nicer and sweeter to me than you would be to a stranger. Suck up to me as if you want something from me. You do. Even if you can prove to me logically that it’s not fair, that’s the way it is.”
“You, my beloved son, are now facing the choice we all face in life at this age. Will you settle for being a loser with a good excuse – your mother didn’t love or suckle you enough – or will you be a winner despite your mother? Every one of your ancestors faced this. Your ancestors lived through plague, famine, flood, war and slavery. They lived through worse than you. I know you have the stuff of a hero in you. Your choice is whether you bring that out and succeed, or to be a whining, petulant, blaming loser.”
You have the body and mind of an adult. You want to make adult choices in living the life you want. Now you’re being tested. Being an adult means taking care of yourself financially and physically. You probably didn’t prepare yourself. That’s your problem. I could never teach you anything because you never listened to me when I gave you good advice. We both know that. You think you know everything. You think you know what’s best for you. Now prove it. The less you learned useful skills, the more you’ll have to struggle now. So what? That’s just struggle. I hope you’ll grow strong by struggling.”
Mom, make a specific plan. For example, “You must be out by (date). If not, I’ll throw your stuff out the window and call the police if I have to. No negotiation. No promises. We allow little children to get by on promises and potential. When they’re 13 or so, we start demanding performance. Now that you’re 19, I demand performance. Your performance earns what you get.” Mom, don’t give in to satisfy one more promise. Think through what you’ll give, if anything, and under what conditions. My bottom line is, “Make me enjoy it and I’ll consider it. Beat me up, physically or verbally, and you get nothing.” The more calm you are, the better. If he can get you upset, he’ll think he can win again…as usual.
Single parents are often easier to bully than couples. For example, see the case study of Paula bullied by her daughter, Stacy, in “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks.”
Stepchildren can jerk your chain more. A couple that disagrees strongly (one stern and one permissive) can be the worst case scenario.
This is a start. Because all solutions depend on the specifics of the situation, you will need coaching. Some circumstances that might alter your plans are if your teenager is not physically or mentally competent or needs extensive mental health counseling or is 13-16 or is a girl or there are drugs or alcohol involved or there are younger children at home?
Stay strong and firm. Don’t let him move back in even for a just week or month. It’ll reinforce the laziest in them and it’ll become permanent.
